| Title: | Topics Pertaining to Men |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES |
| Moderator: | QUARK::LIONEL |
| Created: | Fri Nov 07 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Tue Jan 26 1993 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 867 |
| Total number of notes: | 32923 |
The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
who wishes to remain anonymous. If you wish to contact the author by
mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
your name attached unless you request otherwise.
Steve
In a sports accident a few years back, I was kicked severly in the
groin. I later developed a hemorage in one testicle which had to be
surgically removed. It was never a very serious thing for me as I was
assured by the doctor involved that I would still be a normal healthy
male. I have since led a normal life and have not thought about the
accident for a long time.
Recently however,I have experienced pain in the groin, similar to that
I had prior to the hemorage. I consulted a doctor who arranged for me
to have a few tests taken, including a fertility test.
This morning I recieved the results; I am a normal healthy male with
one exception; I am sterile. I do not know if I have been sterile since
birth or if sterility occured after the accident. But I am feeling
terribly confused right now.
Part of me says that it's not a problem. If I want to be a parent in
the future I can apply for adoption. I have a good job, make a
reasonable amount of money, have been in the same jobs for almost 2 1/2
years and have got married recently.The same part of me says that the
love a parent can give a child is the same; regardless of whether the
parent is the natural or adopted parent of the child concerned. It also
says "there are plenty of people out there who are a helluva lot worse
off that me - count my blessings; I still have my health etc"
But another part of me is going through quite a turmoil. I feel angry
sad, disapointed and guilty. I am angry in the sense of "Why ME???" I
am sad because I know I will never experience the birth of our
children. I am disapointed and upset because I feel "less than a man"
however illogical this may seem, and I feel guilty because I have
denied my wife, whom I love more than anything in this world, the
chance to experience a part of motherhood. We have discussed the issue
of children and I am trying to put the words together to tell her that
I am sterile.
Then there is the issue of my parents. My younger brother (I am the
eldest of 2 children) has a genitic disease which rendered him sterile
at birth. My dad I think is quite keen on the idea of a
grandson/grandaughter and for some unexplained reason I feel like I am
going to disapoint him to.
I know that it's not my fault and in time I will have to come to terms
with this fact but this seems small consolation at the moment for what
I feel. Suddenly the day doesnt seem as sunny as it did this
morning...
I suddenly feel very different...
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 386.1 | RUTLND::KUPTON | Baby Lou | Mon Nov 06 1989 17:41 | 14 | |
I think I'd have another battery of tests and be absolutely sure.
You should ask if it's sterility or an extremely low sperm count. In
some cases, hormonal treatment can help. Unless you have a
non-functioning testicle, there is a glimmer of hope.
You should discuss it with your wife ASAP. Nothing will be gained by
waiting. Be honest.
My brother just adopted a son. He says that the boy is not his own,
but he is his son. I think that says it all.
I hope that tomorrow's sun shines brighter for you. Good Luck.
Ken
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| 386.2 | Anonymous reply | QUARK::MODERATOR | Mon Nov 06 1989 17:45 | 68 | |
The following reply has been contributed by a member of our community
who wishes to remain anonymous. If you wish to contact the author by
mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
your name attached unless you request otherwise.
Steve
To the author of base note 386.0:
I feel so much for your pain and confusion at this time. I know
what you are feeling *exactly*.
I have been told that I cannot bear children, and it hurts inside
very much. I'm not married, and I'm also female, but I can relate
to your situation.
It's a matter of acceptance and alternatives. I have known for
a while that it may be impossible for me to have children, the result
of cervical cancer and a near-fatal ectopic pregnancy when I was
21. At first, I was *so* upset. I thought I was going to let my
family down as well, and what man would want a woman who cannot
bear them children? Then I started thinking of the good things.
I thought of alternatives, I thought of the things I offer my family
and the men in my life. The family must accept this, you were not
put on this earth to produce an heir! You were put here to provide
love, support, stability, comfort, and all the good things you now
provide to both your wife *and* family!
I am the oldest, my younger sister is handicapped mentally and can
*NEVER* have children. My other sister does not wish to have children.
A lot of pressure was put on me to marry and start "banging out
the babies", but once I lost my baby and got sick, everyone realised
it wasn't meant to be and now the whole family talks about my
"alternatives" when the time comes (if it ever does!).
My boyfriends in the past have been told at a certain point in the
relationship when it becomes necessary. All of them have accepted
me as I am, that is love! My current sweetheart is very supportive
and makes me still feel like a woman, even though sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I see mothers and fathers strolling and playing with
babies and wish it could be so. Sometimes I feel like a failure
too, after all, it's stressed "marriage and family". Well, you
can have the family without having to bear the baby or impregnate
the one you love!
I'm sure if you sit your wife down and are honest with her and also
tell her how you feel in your heart, voice your fears and stress that
you are willing to look into alternatives -- she will be there for
you and support you during this time.
I wish you the best of luck. You may want to seek counseling.
When I first found out about my possible infertility, I saw a counselor
who helped me deal with my fears and helped me learn to face a possible
childess future with confidence and inner peace. Now those fears
are confirmed and I have accepted it.
By the way, I'm only 27 and have known for about 6 years. It takes
time to learn the acceptance part but it will come because you really
have no choice ....
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| 386.3 | nit altert on word usage | WMOIS::B_REINKE | if you are a dreamer, come in.. | Mon Nov 06 1989 18:07 | 9 |
Small nit here,
as an adoptive mother it always makes me wince when I see adopted
kids refered to as not one's 'own'. All my kids are my 'own' whether
I was pregnant with them or not. One is my biological child (or
'homegrown' - an expression he coined at age 8) and four are adopted
but they are all my kids, my own kids.
Bonnie
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