Conference quark::mennotes-v1

     I knew I wanted kids even before I was married. It just seemed
    natural. I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to have kids. I dunno-
    it seems kinda selfish (in most cases).
    
     When I got married, the package included two teenage step-kids.
    (Obviously not the general situation). This eliminated any questions.
    
     We now have a baby as well. It was sort of an accident. After the IUD
    was removed, we had just decided to wait another year, and you guessed
    it, my wife "became" pregnant. I, of course, had nothing to do with it.
    :-)
    
    So now the baby's almost 7 months old and she's a real terror! What a
    bundle of energy. I love her. :-) 
    
    Things to think about:
    
     Having children is alot of work.
    
     Having children is a tremendous responsibility. They trust you
    implicitly. they depend on you totally. They love you unconditionally.
    
     Your lifestyle _will_ change.
    
     You will become aware of many things that you just didn't think about
    before.
    
     Make sure you aren't worried about yourself too much. If you want to
    be selfish, do it before (instead?) you have kids. When you have kids,
    you come second (third if you have animals :-)
    
     It's a big step. You want to be sure you're ready, but if you wait
    until you're sure, you may never have them.
    
     It's a big decision. Take your time and make it wisely.
    
     The Doctah

    re .1:
    
    > ...it, my wife "became" pregnant. I, of course, had nothing to do
    > with it.
    
    Ok... So who's are they?
    
    :-)
    
    - M
 

    
    Some are born to fatherhood, others have fatherhood thrust
    upon them...
    
    I was in the latter category.  (Helpful hint: don't ever rely
    on just a diaphragm for birth control).    The decision then became
    one of "why not" rather than "why."   I asked myself many questions:
    Would I ever have another chance to become a father?  Would it be
    wrong to end this new life that I'd taken part in creating?   Did
    I have the right to deny this new life a chance, given that I had
    a good education and a good job and could give it a decent shot
    at a life worth living?   We asked each other many questions:  Would
    we have enough money?   Were we ready to become parents?   Could
    we handle it?
    
    The decision was made to make it official.  In the course of one
    year, I got married, became a father, changed jobs, bought a home,
    and turned thirty.
    
    The marriage didn't last as long as a typical car loan.  So after
    a marriage from hell, endless counselling sessions, and an ugly
    divorce, here I am.  My primary goal in life now is to try to make
    my daughter feel as wanted and loved as a child possibly can when
    they're dumped into day care for 60+ hours per week and split between
    two homes, one with Mommy, and one with Daddy, the rest of the time.
    
    Yet, despite it all, even if I had known what would happen, I'd
    say that I would still stick by my original decision.  The joy of
    becoming, and being, a father make the rest of it worthwhile.

    Unlike many, I became a father by careful and planned choice.  I had
    not thought much about having children before, but I knew deep inside
    that someday I would want to help bring a child into the world.  After
    we had been married for four years, and had shrugged off constant
    inquiries about when we were going to have children ("Not in the next
    nine months, Mom!"), we started talking about it and made THE
    decision one night (on our way to square dancing, I recall).  But
    we also agreed that we would wait a year and a half.  We told no one.
    
    A year and a half came and went, and we started "trying".  We were both
    enthusiastic about it, though it started to wear on us when nothing
    happened for a long time.  We did not understand that delays are
    typical.  After nine months of trying, "we" were pregnant.  (And I
    don't mean that as humor - though she was the one physically pregnant,
    I was emotionally involved and elated - I think I was floating on the
    ceiling when I heard the good news.)
    
    Nine months after that, our son Tommy was born.  I remember the event
    as if it were yesterday.  It was the happiest moment of my life.  I
    couldn't stop smiling, and I was thrilled to be able to hold my new
    son within moments after he was born. 
    
    Tommy will be six this fall.  I've been divorced for three years now.
    But my involvement and delight as a father has continued to this day.
    The feeling of love when I held him in my lap at story-time tonight
    was indescribable.  I love being a Daddy, and cannot even think of
    what life would be like without Tommy in it.
    
    Yes, your life will change, and there will be some "sacrifices".  But
    the love you get in return will repay you a thousandfold.
    
    
    Pardon me if the following sounds a bit harsh, but I strenuously
    disagree with those who say "just wait till the baby is born, you'll
    love it!"  If you don't love it now, if you don't want the baby now,
    even before it is born, it will be orders of magnitude more difficult
    for you to find the love deep inside you that a child needs and 
    deserves.  I think that all babies should be wanted, and those who
    don't want children shouldn't have them.  Parenting isn't for
    everyone.
    
    But if you can find the love within you, you'll never regret it for
    a moment.
    
    					Steve

    
    I hated children with a passion for years. Just couldn't stand em
    and was determined not to have any.
    
    But as time went on I changed quite a bit about my feelings
    toward children. This may have coincided with how I was feeling
    about myself also, not quite sure. Anyhow, after 10 years of
    marriage I finally felt mature enough and was financially capable
    of providing for a child. My wife and I had (and have) a terrific
    marriage so we decided the time had come. We had a hell of a time
    but eventually those things worked out and we now have two boys,
    one two, one two months old.
    
    And to second Steve's sentiments; it is undeniably the best thing
    to ever happen to me with the singular exception of having married
    Lynn. Sitting with em reading, watching the tube, playing, having
    em greet you when you get home; these are all times to treasure.
    
    I might suggest though that we all update our answers when the
    children enter their teen years :-)
    
    								Hank

    The first time my wife got pregnant it was unplanned. We knew we
    wanted children but had not decided when the time would be right.
    The first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage but my wife had been
    pregnant long enough that we "knew" the time was right for us.
    She was pregnant again very quickly and we now have an 11 year
    old son. We've been waiting for everything to be "right" before
    having the next one. Lesson #1: If you wait until everything is
    "right" you may never have kids.

    I always knew I wanted at least one child. I am one of four, my
    wife is an only child. Before we got married my wife thought she
    wanted 6 kids. If it hadn't been for our son being born via C-section
    we probably would have had more by now but my wife had a bad scare
    and does not want to go though an other C-section. Kids are easier
    to come by then women like my wife so I'm not about to push her. I
    firmly believe that both partners have to want kids, be willing to
    put up with pregnancy (pregnant women are not always easy to live
    with :-)), and work together to raise the children for it to really
    work.
    			Alfred

>    I might suggest though that we all update our answers when the
>    children enter their teen years :-)
    
    Oh, that's a hot one, Hank. :-)
    
    My two oldest are in their teens (going on 30). Yes, the one thing they
    forget to tell you about the "terrible two's" is that they don't end
    until the kids are 18 (at least). :-)
    
     The Doctah

    
    Ahh, so the "two" in terrible two's refers the the decades eh?
    
    I imagine I'll be bald for sure by then.
    
    							Hank

    Bonnie asked me to reply to this one so here goes.
    
    I had always wanted kids, but to be honest I have had ambivalent
    feelings about both children that we have had since we've been
    married.  I have enjoyed all of our children and would not have
    changed the decision to have any of them (even though 2 out of 3
    were not planned), but I never felt that any particular time  was the 
    right time to have children.  
    
    So for me I could never honestly say that I was ready for
    children, just that they are another aspect of life that you don't
    know how you will react to till they exist.
    
    Neil Schutzman
    
    

    I hear Jackson Browne in the background..
    
    "She's gonna be a mother
      Take a look in my eyes and tell me brother
       Do I look like I'm ready ?"

    It helps a lot if you have the right woman to do it with.  Before
    I got married, I didn't think I wanted kids.  It was a lot of
    self-doubt, I think; "I can't be a good Dad."
    After I got married, the idea became more plausible because I
    had (have) such great faith in my wife's abilities; I thought
    if I wasn't quite up to it, at least she was and I'd do the
    best I could.  But I still wasn't sure it was for me.  
    My son is now 17 months old, and a delight past all imagination.
    There is no way to describe what being a parent is like.  How
    much a smile from a kid can overwhelm you with joy.  There is
    also no way to describe how hellish it can be to HAVE to get up
    at 3am out of a sound sleep, for months on end, when the kid
    is first born.  But it's somehow worth it.  For me, at least.
    
    There is no way to know for sure except by trying it, and it's an
    irreversible choice.  Once you have a kid, you are a parent FOREVER.
    You can always get a new job; you can always get a new house; you
    can always get a new wife (with great trauma sometimes, but it
    CAN be done); but you can NEVER get out of being a parent once
    you are one.  (I guess some people run away and get out of it
    that way, but I don't consider that sort of behavior very highly.)
    Being a parent is like jumping off a cliff and hoping your wings
    work.
    
    It helps to be older and (in theory) wiser.  I can't imagine having
    kids at the age of 21.  It helps to be secure in yourself; have
    your own issues taken care of.  
    
    It is a *LOT* of work.  
    Forget about the concepts of "free time" and "time to yourself,"
    at least for a while.
    Your life *WILL* change...if you are doing any kind of job of being
    a parent at all.
    The rewards (at least for me) are immeasurable.
    There is no way to know for sure.  At some point you have to have
    faith in yourself (and in your wife) and jump off the cliff.
    

    
    Re: .11
    
    Nice note Steve. I've also enjoyed the others you've been entering
    in some older topics.
    
    							Hank

    Re: .11
    
    Interesting approach: jumping off a cliff and hoping someone else's
    wings were working ;^).
    
    I'm not sure I could ever be comfortable hoping that the other person
    knew what they were doing, since the odds are they're winging it just
    as much.
    
    I still think there should be a 90-day money-back guarantee on kids.