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Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Title:	Topics Pertaining to Men
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES
Moderator:	QUARK::LIONEL

Created:	Fri Nov 07 1986
Last Modified:	Tue Jan 26 1993
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	867
Total number of notes:	32923

360.0. "destructive relationships..why???" by SALEM::MELANSON (nut at work) Mon Jul 10 1989 18:25

    
    scenario:
    A friend of mine who is married has had for some time now major
    problems with his mate.  He stays in the relationship primarily
    for fear of losing his kids and also financial stability.

    scenario:
    my sister has been separated from her husband for 5 years and
    is afraid to divorce him for fear of violence and kids being
    kidnapped.  I keep telling her that the law protects her and
    she is not helping her kids by alienation from their father.  
    
    scenario:
    an aquaintance has been separted for 8 years from her husband,
    she says she does not want to get involved again.  The divorce
    makes here vulnerable so she hides behind a separation.
                       
    scenario:
    a friend is involved in an afair, her husband is not giving her
    what she wants so she goes out, but wont leave the situation she
    is in.
    
    Why do people stay in relationships that are destrucive to themselves
    and their families?  Why do people throw obsticals in the way of
    what they really want?
    
    jim

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
360.1	? an insight ?	FIONN::DRYAN	Well...The rates HAVE gone up	`Tue Jul 11 1989 09:56`	51
360.2		HANDY::MALLETT	Barking Spider Industries	`Tue Jul 11 1989 12:49`	5
	For some, the devil they know is easier to live with than the the one they don't. It seems to me that a fear of the unknown is one of the most common to humankind. Steve
360.3	thanks!	SALEM::MELANSON	nut at work	`Wed Jul 12 1989 13:38`	6
	re: .1 thanks, I think it applies - nice piece. re: .2 fear does strange things to us all, thanks. jim
360.4	Untill you walk in their shoes...	ERLANG::TEMP_SEC		`Tue Aug 01 1989 17:33`	25
	RE: 0 Scenario #1: He is right. He probably would lose his kids and may end up with far less than he has now! Why doesn't he try marital counseling?? Scenario #2: The law does not always protect a woman from a violent spouse. She may be protecting her children from an abusive man. She most likely has a valid point! Scenario #3: She may be fine. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship. Why do people have to have relationshiips, anyway? Scenario #4: Again, why don't they try marital counseling? I would say that until you have lived in a certain situation, you can't understand thruough personal experience. These situations have been happening over time. They aren't easy to get out of. Sure, you may think this way now, and I would wager to bet that any number of these people would not advise others to take the same route, but once you're in, it is very difficult to get out! Like another noter said, they are living with familiarity. Their self esteems may be bruised, also. They may believe that they cannot do better than the life that they are leading.
360.5	Some thoughts	TLE::FISHER	Work that dream and love your life.	`Wed Aug 02 1989 14:37`	31
	> I would say that until you have lived in a certain situation, you can't > understand thruough personal experience. I agree with this. However, I think it's important not to overlook empathy as a means of "walking in someone else's shoes." To empathize, I believe that a person has to _really_ listen to someone, spend significant amount of time with that person, and to open up to that personally emotionally. I can't understand what it is like to be a woman. However, I think that, after spending lots of time with women, really listening to them and opening up to them emotionally, I have a great empathy for what it is like to be a (white) woman in this country during this time. As for bad relationships, the secret for me has been to look at the "good intentions" behind my own compulsive self-destructive behavior. Sometimes it is hard to see, but self-destructive behavior is often a misguided attempt to satisfy a real need. If a person can identify the actual need, then the person can redirect the efforts to meet the need in healthy as opposed to a self-destructive way that never really meets the need anyway (if the self-destructive behavior truly met the need, then the peson would not have to repeat the behavior again and again and again in desperate compulsion). Sound simple? The theory is. Try putting it into practice. I offer my shoulder to cry on for anyone trying to beat compulsive, self-destructive behavior. It is looooong term work (for most). --Ger
360.6	?	MEMIT::MAHONEY	ANA MAHONEY DTN 223-4189	`Thu Nov 02 1989 12:11`	13
	My answer to most of scenerios...because the main theme is financial arrangements, fear of unknown, etc, but the main ingredient missing in all is...LOVE. If a person is in love with the partner...is hard to be violent, or mean. There are many couples who get into "relationships" for monetary reasons, plain physical attraction (that fades away after a certain time...)and things like that. There is no strong base to support future problems/pressures that a family normally goes thrugh... so it breaks. Believe me, it is very hard, if not impossible, to be mean to the person you love... I am sure that the persons in those scenarios started with fond feelings for each other...what made them become hostile? could it be selfishness? thinking "I WANT" instead of "YOU" want? If we chose more of the later we could have less problems... (this is my humble, personal opinion, I stick to it)