| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 230.1 | Some people only respect force. | TSECAD::HEALY | Life is Perfectly Fair. | Thu May 19 1988 16:15 | 9 |
|
I would be blunt and forceful. Tell him to keep his nosey *ss
out of your business. (Your kids aren't his business!)
MATT
|
| 230.2 | He has no business there | EJMVII::GERMAIN | Down to the Sea in Ships | Thu May 19 1988 17:52 | 15 |
| I agree with .1.
From a legal standpoint, this guy has NOTHING to say about how
you and your ex raise YOUR children.
From a more practical side, he may have his own opinions, and he
may even voice them to your ex. But the decisions are between the
two of you. This extended family business is really tough on everybody,
and a new player can really gum up the works. If he really cares
for those kids, he;ll butt out.
Also, what do you have down in writing in the divorce decree? Do
you have joint custody?
Gregg
|
| 230.3 | | ANGORA::BUSHEE | Living on Blues Power | Fri May 20 1988 13:44 | 34 |
|
RE: .1 & .2
Hold on a second... What do you mean he has no business?
If he is in a serious relationship with his ex-wife, then he
sure in heck does have some say in the matter! Let's face it,
he is not the father, but if they start to live together,
do you mean to tell me he has no say in how the kids act?
Is it right to demand him to not have any contact with the
kids? Have you ever dated a divorced woman with kids? Did
you have any kind of a relationship with them? If you did,
how can you say that's okay, but not for someone else with
your kids?
My ex is remarried and both of my kids likes their mom's
new husband, what is wrong with this? Does he ever lay down
the law as to what he expects in his home, you bet! Is that
wrong, no way, just cause they are my kids doesn't mean he
can't have some say in their behaviour. Making sure the kids
stay within the rules is not the same as trying to replace
their father. My kids never called him dad, and he never tried
to be. Like it or not, he is a part of your ex's life and by
default part of the kids also. You are being unreasonable if
you think the kids should have no part of him. As long as he
doesn't try to interfere with your realtionship with the kids
it really is none of your business. Sorry to sound this way,
but any man worth while will try to form some sort of relationship
with the kids of an SO.
If, what you really meant was he is trying to force you out
of the kids lives, then that's another matter. He has no business
saying when you can or can not see the kids, that's between
you and your ex.
|
| 230.4 | Check .0 for the issues at hand | MERIDN::GERMAIN | Down to the Sea in Ships | Fri May 20 1988 15:05 | 49 |
|
re: .3
If you reread the originating note, you'll notice that the topics
of conflict are such things as "....visitation times, paperwork
for child's special needs, etc....."
I don't know what the etc includes, but I DO know that the new
SO CANNOT REPEAT CANNOT have a say in visitation times. Unless the
court specifically states otherwise (which they do in certain cases)
neither parent can deny access to the child. Most divorce decrees
include this statement. (Sometimes it is in the interest of the
child to keep a parent away, and the court so states.)
Not only can't the stepparent change the visitation times as specified
in the decree, but neither can the parents. Also, the "special
paperwork" (whatever that is) seems to be the business of the parents.
The originator spoke of competitiveness. Now this is less objective
than the visitation times, and harder to comment on.
I agree that the new step parent has lots of say concerning the
rules of their house. BUT major decisions concerning the welfare
of the child are BY LAW (if the custody is joint) soley the perogatives
of the natural parents. The step person gets NO VOTE.
As to the step parent forming a relationship with the step child
- of course that is important - I never said otherwise. I am a father
with custody of my daughter about to get married, so I have some
familiarity with the situation. My SO and I discuss these issues
regularly. The issues confronting everybody in this situation are
enormously complex, and, I am proud to say, my SO has taken great
pains not to try to compete with my daughter's natural mother. But
house rules, how my daughter "treats" my SO - things like that,
my SO has complete freedom to shape with my daughter. One of the
tough jobs of the new step person is to tread the fine line of
discipline without trying to replace the natural parent.
Their relationship is their business. But, when it comes to major
decisions concerning my daughters life, my SO does not have a vote.
Try putting yourself in the shoes of the natural parent who is
not getting married. How would you feel if a total stranger now
had a vote concerning the major issues in your childs life. I would
not like it one bit. I have no problem with the two of them discussing
the issues between themselves - or even my ex's SO offering his
opinion. But that is the extent of his perogatives.
Gregg
|
| 230.5 | another point..... | MERIDN::GERMAIN | Down to the Sea in Ships | Fri May 20 1988 15:20 | 19 |
| When I say that "major decisions" are soley the perogatives of the
parents, I realize that this is one of the more tangled areas -
just what constitutes a "major decision"?
Health decisions, for one. Only the natural parents have a say
in important medical decisions like whether or not to have an operation
performed on the child.
School decisions. Both as to which school, and how to deal with
any problems that crop up (scholastic and/or disciplinary). Here
also, the step parent has no vote.
You descend one level into complexity when you get to the issue
of punishment. What if the natural parent does not choose to spank
the child, but the step parent does? I say that the wishes of the
natural parent prevail.
Gregg
|
| 230.6 | Specific scenario | SALEM::MELANSON | | Fri May 20 1988 17:19 | 42 |
| thanks for the input from all here,
The situation that were most disturbing were as follows:
1. I was 12 minutes late bringing Jamie home one night and
her SO gave me considerable feedback about it.-
feedback covered, me haveing jamie call his mom and not me,
being late and out of an agreement, effecting SO and her
life etc.
The Scenario:
Jamie wanted to stay at my house and finish a movie we
were watching on the video and I told him to call his
mom and ask her if it was ok, she agreed and set a time
I was late on that time.
I take ownership of being late, and effecting his life but
telling me it was not ok to have Jamie call and ask permission...
2. I had been trying to get Sue to write a letter as she had
volunteered for sometime for Justin. She dragged her feet
for several days and I got a bit angry and pushed the issue
with her. I realized anger would not produce results so when
I went to her place I left the anger and frustration outside
the door. When I walked in he swore at me (kids present) and
told me "He would not have me disturbing the household", I
told him I just wanted to get the paperwork out of the way
and wanted to leave, he kept on the same rails like he wanted
to provoke a fight or something...I just shut him out and told
Sue I wanted to wrap up the letter and leave, and stated to
him that I wasnt listening to him, to which he replied "Ok Daddy".
His final comment was "getting the work done at the last minute"
to which he had no idea what was going on with counselors and
the rest of it before we made a decision to take action on the
paperwork.
3. Other times Sue says she gets feedback about me having the kids
other than stated on the agreement. I feel this is between
her and I, but I'm open is someone else has experience with
this.
He's a nice guy, he mean's well, but sometimes he just seems
to cross where I feel comfortable about it.
|
| 230.7 | Sounds screwy to me..... | OZZAIB::GERMAIN | Down to the Sea in Ships | Fri May 20 1988 18:15 | 21 |
| Well, as to being 12 minutes late, this seems like a small thing
to me, as a regular rule (though there can be times when the child
needs to be home at an exact time). If they get bent over 12 minutes,
there is more going on than the 12 minutes. A deeper issue.
When he swore at you in front of the kids, he, to put it mildly,
made a grave error.
To put it the way I feel about it: WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!! Endless,
negative consequences arise from this. Tough as it is, the adults
must behave themselves in front of the kids.
If you have the kids during times other than written in the agreement,
and if your ex did not give her permission, then I think you
overstepped your limits. BUT THAT IS AN ISSUE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR
EX.
What was wrong in letting your kid call for permission to stay
later and watch the movie? Why must it be you? Did they give a reason?
Gregg
|
| 230.8 | | TSECAD::HEALY | Life is Perfectly Fair. | Tue May 24 1988 15:34 | 12 |
|
RE: .6 If what you say is true, they are being intentionally
mean. Your EX seems to be encouraging/condoning his
actions. He seems to be doing what I would compare to
an immature woman doing; he is attempting to play head
games with you. You are seeing a down side to human
nature, and keeping that in mind, remember, the more
crap you take - the more crap he'll give.
MATT
|
| 230.9 | For what it's worth. | GRANMA::MWANNEMACHER | | Wed May 25 1988 13:04 | 33 |
| I think you have to make a stand against this bozo. From the
situations you described it is apparent to me that he is trying
to undermine your authority and replace you as the authority figure
in your kids eyes. When he swears in front of your kids, it should
be addressed in front of your kids. It shouldn't be done in a nasty
manner, however, it should be done. I wouldn't let him reprimand
you either. You call it feedback, but the way it was presented
in your note it sounds more like a reprimand. I would say something
like, " I don't have to (and won't) listen to you tell me what to
do with MY children."
Something else you may want to do is take him aside somewhere and
tell him how you feel about your kids and try to come to some kind
of understanding. If this doesn't work I think it imperative that
you make it known that you will not put up with his interfering
in the relationship between you and your children.
I hope that everything works itself out in a peaceful manner. I
hope that the attempt to reason things out works. If he is a
reasonable man, maybe, if he could see himself in your situation,
he will be more understanding. Another thing; the reason for his
contempt may be that he feels threatened when you are around. It
may not have anything to do with your kids rather your EX. Sorry
I got so long winded, I think I would be beside myself in your
situation. I think if the peaceful approach does not work you will
have to lay down the law. I think that this approach would be good
for two reasons. 1) It would show him that you mean business and
2) It would show your children that you care about them and you
are not going to let anyone stand in the way of you and them.
Good luck,
Mike
|
| 230.10 | | FSLENG::HEFFERN | we make it harder than it has to be | Fri May 27 1988 05:02 | 8 |
| I wonder, how does your ex feel about the way he treated you.
Is she apologetic that he is over stepping his bounds? Sometimes
you get stuck between two people and seeing as he is the one she's
living with now (I'm assuming that), is she just taking the easy
way out?
cj
|
| 230.11 | Same shoe different sex | NRADM::PLAMONDON | | Sat Jun 04 1988 03:14 | 25 |
| I am in somewhat the same situation you are. I have been divorced
for 4 years, I have legal custody of my children but my x hubby
has them live in for about a year ( another story ). Anyway, he
has been seeing the same girl for 4 years, he is now engaged to
her. She is the one that takes care of my children. She makes dinner,
etc... makes them clean there rooms, punishes then when needed,
gives them good values. When he first started seeing her it was
a whole different story. I wanted to kill her, literallty.... But
now, I guess I couldn't ask for a better step mother for my children.
Sure there are times that I do still disagree with her and we do
have it out. When I do disagree with her I try not to step in because
it is her that has then 5 days a week and takes care of them. my
kids love her.
The point I am trying to make is that as long as the children
are well cared for I can put up with some sh*t from her every now
and then, and she puts up with my sh*t to... the children are the
most important thing here not the fact that you like the person
your x is living with, they live with them, not us. just make sure
you do stand your ground, after all if I were 10 minutes late and
she were to give me hel*, well she would know better after all this
time that she wouldn't even think about it... (know what I mean)
Julie
|