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Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Title:Topics Pertaining to Men
Notice:Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES
Moderator:QUARK::LIONEL
Created:Fri Nov 07 1986
Last Modified:Tue Jan 26 1993
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:867
Total number of notes:32923

199.0. "Male victims of sexual abuse" by SSDEVO::YOUNGER (God is nobody. Nobody loves you.) Wed Dec 16 1987 12:07

    This is kind of an off-shoot of a topic in Womannotes.
    
    How should someone deal with a (male) SO who has been in the distant
    past (or not so distant) raped or molested?  Like women who have been
    sexually abused, men seem to have the same kinds of anger and
    self-blame that women do.  It somehow seems different to me.  I once
    had an SO who told me of something like this that had happened to him
    long ago.  He was blaming himself and angry at the guy.  This was
    compounded by the responsible adults that were told of this not
    believing the story.  I had the reaction that some men expressed in
    Womannotes - wanted to go and rearrange the guys face - and any other
    parts of his anatomy that came in handy.  However, I have never met
    this person - it was very long ago. 
    
    My question is, if this ever happens to me again, how can I help?
    
    Elizabeth
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199.1".......... with Love."BETA::EARLYBob_the_HikerThu Dec 17 1987 15:2124
    re: .1
    
    How could you can help a rape victim ?
    
    The same you would help any other rape victim. TLC, and lots of
    it. In some ways, I think its more difficult for male rape victims
    because "most" people take the attitude "Aw, a big guy like you
    was raped by a <insert assailant>. What were you doing there ,anyway?"
    
    Hmm if the victim has a 'class action hostile' attitude, they might
    be able to talk with 'responsible' people of that particular class;
    and learn that what they experienced was not the 'norm' for those
    people, but ; just like women who get raped by men; these men form
    a minority of the whole class; just any other form of criminal
    represents a minority of any class of people.
    
    Hmmm yeh, TLC ... lots of it. Like divorce ... forget the questions.If
    you love them/ like them ... just care like you'd want them to care
    for you ... with Love .
    
    Bob+3
    
    
    
199.2MoreAIMHI::RAUHWed Jun 15 1988 15:028
    Find out how long ago this happened. Talk to a lawyer, if this
    person knows who were these folks are you may get some monatary
    satasfaction for pain and suffering through the years. It could
    be interesting to even see these what evers go to the big house.
    Could be even more satasfaction. Its a tough call, I am a believer
    of TLC as well. But nothing wrong with alittle vengence.
    
    
199.3Reluctance to talk about itSSDEVO::YOUNGERJust remember one thingWed Jul 27 1988 17:2810
    The problem that I've seen with male victims of sexual abuse is
    they tend to try to minimize the problem to the outside world. 
    I've suggested legal action to a friend who was sexually assulted
    recently - he won't hear of it.  It seems that both people that
    I'm now close to who have been asulted would feel like less of a
    man if it ever "got out".  *sigh*  A shame.  These &^%$#@&#s are
    out loose to damage more people this way.  Still, I realize that
    a rape/sexual assult trial is not easy for the victim either.
    
    Elizabeth
199.4RANCHO::HOLTRobert A HoltFri Jul 29 1988 02:199
    
    People should give such persons the space they need to deal with
    it in their own way. 
    
    Identifying as a 'victim' can prolong and complicate getting 
    over it. 
    
    A good human potential course can assist in working through the
    experience and putting it firmly behind one's self.
199.5Regarding .3BETSY::WATSONNo_MadFri Jul 29 1988 12:489
re: .3 (Elizabeth)
>    I've suggested legal action to a friend who was sexually assulted
>    recently - he won't hear of it.

A grown man was sexually assaulted?  By another man or by a woman?

Seriously,

Kip
199.6SSDEVO::YOUNGERHeisenburg might have been hereFri Jul 29 1988 21:389
    Re .5
    
    >>    I've suggested legal action to a friend who was sexually assulted
    >>    recently - he won't hear of it.

    >A grown man was sexually assaulted?  By another man or by a woman?
    
    Another man.

199.7QUARK::LIONELMay you live in interesting timesSat Jul 30 1988 03:224
    There are cases of adult men being sexually assaulted by women.
    You don't hear of them too often.
    
    				Steve
199.8NO! Really??SALEM::AMARTINMy AHDEDAHZZ REmix, by uLtRaVeRsESat Jul 30 1988 03:271
    NO WAY!!! it jes dont happen!  :-{
199.9Oh, yes, it doSTARCH::MARVINLife is process, not a productSun Jan 29 1989 15:1620
    .7,.8
    
    Oh yes, it does happen.  One of the networks had a special on sexual
    and physical abuse of men.  One authority on incarcerated male sex
    offenders found that the most chronic offenders had been sexually
    abused as children and 20% of the population had been first abused
    by women, frequently mothers.
    
    A tell-tale sign of chronic sexual abuse in men is a tendency to
    cut themselves, intentionally, on various parts of their bodies,
    particularly arms.
    
    Children in boarding schools and Scouts really do have those things
    happen to them.  I've met several who have been gang-raped by older
    boys and several others seduced by leaders.  I am not suggesting
    that all or even most leaders are pedophiles, however, I've heard
    enough complaints for me to conclude that this is a much more common
    phenomenom than person-in-the-street thinks.
    
    Jack
199.10Anonymous - father being abused by partnerQUARK::LIONELAd AstraThu Feb 02 1989 22:4920
    The following note has been entered on behalf of a member of our
    community who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to reply
    by mail, please send your message to me, indicating the note number
    and whether or not you wish your name to be attached to the
    message.
    
    

		My problem is that I think my father is being abused physically
	by his partner.  When they fight, she does all the yelling, and the
	next day he sometimes has a contusion on his face.  I suspect that he 
	was physically abused (beat up) as a child even though he has never 
	said so.

		I want so much to ask him about this, but am afraid of him
	feeling humiliated, or of forcing him to deal with the knowledge that
	others know.  This relationship is very important to him, and I think
	he is afraid of losing her.  But it hurts me so much that he feels he
	has to tolerate this treatment, if indeed that is what is going on.  
	How can I help him?