| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 167.1 | Well, it's important to me. | COMET3::BRUNO | Javelin Catcher | Sun Oct 11 1987 01:54 | 8 |
|
Another important question might be:
Would you marry a woman who already has kids (why or why not)?
Greg
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| 167.2 | No experience with 'em | STAR::BECK | Paul Beck | Sun Oct 11 1987 02:27 | 40 |
| 1. how important are they?
Unimportant. (As you might infer, I don't have any.)
2. would you begin a relationship with a girl you knew
couldn't or wouldn't conceive?
I assume you mean "woman" there. Since I'm married, moot question,
though the answer to #1 above should give some insight into what
the answer would likely be were I not married.
3. what are your thoughts on women that won't give up
their career for kids?
Loaded question, as worded.
My intellectual position is that it's a strictly personal matter for
the woman to decide within the context of her own family, and not a
subject for my judgement. My gut reaction is somewhat negative
towards women who DO give up their careers for kids. Not entirely
fair, but you can't always control gut reactions (only how you
deal with them).
A couple's decision to have children should be made only after
working out how careers and childrearing are to interact. There
seems to be a hidden facet to question #3 as stated, having to do
with the origin of the imperative to "give up" the career. NEITHER
spouse has a right to demand that the other give up a career to take
up childrearing. The structure the family will take on once children
arrive should be agreed to (i.e. who works, who doesn't, who
nurtures, etc.) before any children are started. If a mutually
agreeable arrangement can't be developed up front, the couple
shouldn't be having children in the first place.
4. would adoptive kids be a feasible alternative?
Only if you want children. As I don't, moot question. (Unless you're
really talking about kids, in which case it depends how much land
you have that they can graze on, and if you're getting them as an
alternative to mowing the lawn.)
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| 167.3 | and if thy're good it's only luck | CEODEV::FAULKNER | t | Sun Oct 11 1987 23:26 | 13 |
| great base note
how important are kids ,,,,,,,,,, nothing much ,,,,,, they are the
world in a few years ,,,,,,,,,, i suppose that means something ,
duh !
two people love each other kids are like an off-shootof that love
wether wanted /planned /nonplanned or not and all children deserve
the same amount of love if that cannot be accepted as the only real
need that kids need then you had better go reevaluate your set of
principles cause kids only need love food and a roof
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| 167.4 | Just my opinion(s) | AXEL::FOLEY | Rebel without a cold (YEA!) | Mon Oct 12 1987 03:02 | 15 |
|
1. Very. When that day comes that I have them, then they and
my wife will be my life.
2. That's what adoption is for.
3. Like Paul mentioned, you really should plan such things.
Myself, I wouldn't mind sharing the upbringing. Whenever
the day comes, I plan on taking advantage of the new
paternity leave plan mentioned in DTW this week. I'm
not going to ask anyone to give up their career.
4. See above.
mike
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| 167.5 | | VCQUAL::THOMPSON | Noter at large | Mon Oct 12 1987 12:02 | 33 |
| > 1. how important are they?
Well, my son is extremely important to me. Having lots of (or any)
kids was not a goal in getting married but I wouldn't not do it.
> 2. would you begin a relationship with a girl you knew
> couldn't or wouldn't conceive?
Sure. Marriage isn't isn't just to have children.
> 3. what are your thoughts on women that won't give up
> their career for kids?
I don't see this as an either or proposition. My father (as a single
parent) raised 4 children from age 4-10 with out any negative impact
on his career. My mother-in-law raised my wife (alone from age 2)
and had a career. I see no reason why a wife can't have a career
and kids both. Especially if she has a helping husband who does
his share of the work. Separately, I don't think I'd be as happy with
a woman who didn't work outside the home.
For what it's worth, at one point my wife and I decided (for reasons
I'll not go into now) that one of us should stay home with our son
for a year or two. I thought we should decide based on the one who
made the most money working. She thought that the most patient person
should stay home. I lost. She stayed home.
> 4. would adoptive kids be a feasible alternative?
Alternative to what? In the case of 2 above sure. I don't think
it relates to question 3 though.
Alfred
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| 167.6 | | AKOV04::WILLIAMS | | Mon Oct 12 1987 12:55 | 14 |
| Children can be important to a relationship. I have no desire
to be a parent, and neither does my wife (it's too late for her
now anyway). We decided before we were married we would not have
children and have never questioned the validity of our decision
(though we have had some difficulty finding people of our age and
values who have remained childless by choice).
I believe one of the parents should stay home with the children,
don't care which one.
I would not marry a woman with children or one who wanted children.
I would not adopt a child - because I don't want the role of parent.
Douglas
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| 167.7 | | RANCHO::HOLT | Don't see any points on those ears.. | Mon Oct 12 1987 15:38 | 15 |
|
re .6
I remember feeling that same way - not wanting the role of
parent. Since my divorce 4 years ago, I have continued the
parenting role (albeit on alternate weekends and holidays)
and lately have found it a rewarding role. My son, who is
7, is very good company and loves getting me to take him places.
The single life is quite unrewarding and sterile, especially for
men. I feel uplifted and somehow, decent, when in parent mode.
He makes a great date - except when he's cranky.
Don't think I'd do it again with an infant though... but after
they turn 7 they are a lot of fun.
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| 167.8 | Adopt, if any kid'll have us.... | QBUS::FINK | Time for a Dandelion Break!! | Mon Oct 12 1987 21:47 | 28 |
|
Well, I'm not married yet, but probably will be in the next
year or so. Anyhow, my SO and I have discussed this a lot.
Here's what we've come up with.
I would like to have a child, maybe more than 1. But I'm not
ready right now. Maybe in a few years, after we're settled
and have a more substantial income....
She does not want any now, and doesn't think she'll want to
*bear* any children. She is only 5' tall, and weighs about
91 lbs. Her mother was about the same size, and had a rough
pregnancy. Also, she's not sure if she wants an infant running
around all over the place.
So, what we've considered doing is adopting an older child when
we feel we want a family. Since it seems that most adoptive
parents only want babies, we feel we'd be doing some real good
for an older child.
Whatever the outcome, it seems important to me that we've discussed
this *before* we're married. We may change our minds later,
but neither one of us is entering a relationship thinking "I
*know* I can get him/her to change his/her mind".
-Rich
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| 167.9 | I'd Rather Not | HPSCAD::WALL | I see the middle kingdom... | Tue Oct 13 1987 15:11 | 19 |
|
1. How important are they.
If I had to choose today, I think I could spend my life without
being a father. I don't deal with children very well, and I think
they are too important to be left under the guidance of someone
like me.
2. In a second. As I'm not planning on fatherhood, that would suit
my particular feelings now much better than a woman set on having
a family.
3. That's too vague a question, in fact, I think as worded it's
meaningless.
4. Hmmm. If I had this urge to be a father and couldn't, I suppose,
but I don't have the urge.
DFW
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| 167.10 | life with kids IMPORTANT to me ! | JENEVR::CATE | Father to/of eight | Wed Oct 14 1987 18:25 | 33 |
| 1. For me personally, raising a family was a primary reason for getting
married. I was (and am) willing to devote the time, energy, and money
into fathering. However, I think that it's not for every man. What's
most important is to identify what your fundamental values are and be
honest about them in starting a relationship.
2. No, once I had identified how important a family was to me, I didn't
pursue a relationship with a woman who wasn't interested in having and
raising children.
3. The "give up" wording of your question denotes a bias to me. I view
parenting as a career ! I'll always be a father !
If a woman wants to pursue a career and not have children, that's fine !
Many people have done both - you need to assess whether you have the
energy, the stamina, the organization, the patience to do both.
However, both parents need to share in loving and caring for the children
especially in those pre-school years when they need so much attention.
It's a joint responsibility, even if one stays at home for a while.
4. Yes, it certainly is an alternative to having your own !
Also, see note #8 about a ready-made family, too !
My wife and I are good friends with a couple who've adopted three babies
after they weren't able to have any. They certainly have grown into as
"natural" a family as the others I know.
I also know a couple who've adopted older children and that's worked
well due to their experience with their own children. I'm also convinced
that one can become skilled at parenting older children wihout having
any of your own, but that's another topic - see the PARENTING notes
conference !
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| 167.11 | | VLS8::COSTA | | Thu Oct 29 1987 20:41 | 21 |
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1. There isn't much in life that isn't done for my kids.
2. (pretending I'm single) If I met a woman who could not conceive
and we loved each other and wanted to wed-- absolutely!!
3. Too vague for me. Right after birth, 2, 3 or 4 yrs later?
what? If a couple were in their thirties and having a first child
with both of them about ten yrs in a career and she said "I'm not
giving up my job, no way" and then he said "Well, don't think I
gonna stay here all day" (SPLATT!!==>shit hitting fan) I would say
that this conversation was probably discussed prior to the wedding
day (at least it was for me and mine) and the original decision
should be upheld.
4. Adoption was feasible many yrs ago but in my opinion it isn't
in this day and age. It is much too frustrating- the wait, the pain,
the let downs and too much disease even in these U.S. I could elaborate
but remember that's just my opinion. :*)
see ya, pisano
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