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Conference quark::mennotes-v1

Title:	Topics Pertaining to Men
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current file is QUARK::MENNOTES
Moderator:	QUARK::LIONEL

Created:	Fri Nov 07 1986
Last Modified:	Tue Jan 26 1993
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	867
Total number of notes:	32923

36.0. "Perception Vs Reality: In relationships ???" by TONTO::EARLY (Winter is for Hiking/Backpacking -Bob) Wed Nov 26 1986 13:07

    I'm not sure how to articulate this thought and feeling into words,
    so please bear with me, while I stumble through (further clarification
    may be necessary after the first few responses help me to clarify
    what I mean).
    
    People, in their finite wisdom, have the ability to rationalize,
    imagine, hope, wish, visualize, and even pray to some deity, for
    the things they want and desire.
    
    Many can even "ignore" certain negative attributes in other people.
    
    ***** B U T  ***** what happens when people get infatuated ? "Fall
    in love after their <#nth> physio-emotional encounter ?
    
    The scenario I would descibe, is that two people meet; some chemistry,
    some time, some "magic" happens. Over some lengthy period of time
    thye make a "committment" to be exclusively for each other (for
    romantic/living together purposes) because ... well, because that's
    what they "feel" is the right thing for them.
    
    Even for those case where "friends' don't advise against their plans,
    something gets buried ... something small .. which later ..sooner
    or later surfaces and forms a WALL between thse two somewhat less
    than happy people.
    
    How much went on in these peoples heads to rationalize, somehow
    even "embellish" the reality in their minds, so that the "other"
    person 'appeared' more compatible than in reality ?
    
    The result of such embellishment is disappointment, frustration,
    abject misery, and so many other things (even death at its extreme)
    which contribut to a "separation" (minimaly.. disappoinment, maximaly
    hatred and fighting).
    
    This is not to create a divorce/married note, but rather the
    implications what we "create" and "choose" to percieve, because
    that is WHAT WE WANT so much, that THAT is what we allow ourselves
    to believe.
    
    Bob_still_trying_to_learn_the_ropes_with_out_getting_tangled

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
36.1	Making what seems to be the right choice	CSC32::C_BESSANT		`Wed Nov 26 1986 14:40`	42
	What was right yesterday may not be right for you tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. New insights and feelings may surface that were unknown or buried previously. I don't think it is wrong to be in this type of situation. What is wrong is to be in this situation and not do what is right when the time is right. To hang on for the sake of hanging on is not the answer. The answer seems to be to do what is right at the time and not beat yourself for what seems to be a poor decision in the past. Get on with the present and remember the past so similar situations do not reoccur. Even being in love at one time can dissolve into dissolution later on. Everyone has 2 choices and the best choice is usually taken based on information at hand. Kind of like at the horse track. you pick 3 to win and it winds up placing. Based on what you had to go on, you made a choice. Later on the results are final and either you made a good choice or you made not so good choice, but you made it on given information. There is never any guarentees except taxes and death. The first one you can sometimes work around, but the second one is going to happen. Just like marrying someone or living with someone, it may work out or it may not. Either way you had a choice and at the time you pick what appears to be the best one, especially one as serious as living with someone (not just a roommate) or marrying someone. Wouldn't it be great if we had a crystal ball we could look into and see what the future holds for us so we can make the right choices. ANybody know of one??? If so, let me know. I make choices based on information at hand and I make what I feel is the best decision at the time. Later on that may not be true, but if I really believe what I am doing is correct then I can not blame myself for making a bad decision. This got a lot longer than I planned and I may have rambled on too long. Hope you got what my impression is on this NOTE, it is a real situation that happens to a lot of people and they sometimes beat themselves for making a mistake later on. Chuck
36.2	That's Life	APEHUB::STHILAIRE		`Wed Nov 26 1986 17:51`	8
	This reminds me of a line from an Edna St.Vincent Millay poem, "Need we say it was not love just because it perished". I agree pretty much with what .1 has to say. Lorna
36.3	Tomorrow may not come	PERCH::SCOTT		`Fri Nov 28 1986 02:44`	6
	If it feels good, do it, because you may not get the chance again. We can't spend our lives holding back, worrying about what the future might bring. Keep one eye on tomorrow but live for today. Roland
36.4	live for today ;-)	VORTEX::JOVAN	the closer i get to you...	`Fri Nov 28 1986 03:00`	4
	I heard once... that if you keep one foot in the past and the other in the future you're p*ssing all over today!
36.5	too many reasons why	KALKIN::BUTENHOF	Approachable Systems	`Tue Dec 02 1986 12:29`	22
	People change and grow all the time. If you pick a partner who doesn't change and grow at the same rate, and in the same direction, as you, you'll slowly but steadily lose your compatibility. That's primarily why teen marriages generally don't last... teens are still growing rapidly, even though they might not realize it. Adults usually change much less, and much less rapidly; but they do change. People living together who care about each other will usually tend to adjust to the other, and become more compatible... but it doesn't always work that way. People can also start out with misconceptions and rationalizations, but there are probably too many possible forms and reasons to discuss generally. Additionally, you can't really ever know everything about someone... and generally you know fairly little before making a real commitment; you may learn something later which changes your perception towards the other. /dave
36.6	worst case	CGHUB::CONNELLY	Eye Dr3 - Regnad Kcin	`Sat Dec 06 1986 23:17`	13
	There are a couple of things that can make you think you're more compatible with each other than you are: o neither person has stopped to think about what s/he is looking for beforehand, so the choice is between "this relationship or nothing" o "blazing hormones": things are too driven by sex, so all the other important considerations get crowded out o one or both persons is lying/dissembling/covering-up to appear more desirable as a mate These have a more immediate impact than "growing apart", since you probably won't make it beyond the infatuation stage at all.
36.7	Love is quick.	AKOV04::WILLIAMS		`Mon Dec 22 1986 18:57`	8
	It is the nature of rope to tangle. In order to learn it you must fathom the tangles. Love is as fleeting as a Spring day. Friendship and compassion last. Most people fall in and out of love a hundred times in their lives with a hundred different people but develop very few friends. Enjoy the love and work on the friendship. Tomorrow will yake care of itself, if you work hard enough.