Conference quark::human_relations

    
>    My question is, do I have the right to be bulls$#t about this? Is there
>    anything I can do to get my ex to butt out? Has anyone ever been in a
>    similar situation? I guess I have to just let go and accept whatever
>    happens, but I sure would like to get my ex out of the loop. I feel
>    like he's taking a nasty little passive-aggressive stab at me, as well
>    as helping my daughter. he never once mentioned this plan to me, I just
>    heard about it from my daughter. He has his own baby daughter now--I'm
>    not sure if he married her mother or not. But he's got his own family
>    out there, so why does he have to tear mine apart? I know I'm not
>    supposed to hang on to my daughter, but I'll be heartbroken if she
>    moves to the opposite side of the country. It will be very hard to stay
>    in touch. And people have a way of just winding up in places, for
>    years, if not a lifetime. Is there anything I can do?
    

    	It's always, always, *always* okay to feel *whatever* you feel.
    Your feelings are not up for judgement or validation from ANYONE.  So
    yes, you have the right to feel the way you do.  I think I'd probably
    feel the same way.


    	As for what to do...that's a lot tougher.  It's hard to know
    without knowing the reasons behind why your ex suddenly became so
    interested in your daughter.  It may be that he simply wants to help
    them out, or it may be that it is some sort of stab at you.  If it's
    the former, and you were to talk to him and explain your feelings and
    why you'd rather he hadn't made this offer (hard to take it back NOW
    though in any case), he might be in a place to actually listen.  If on
    the other hand it's the latter case, it will probably just incite him
    further.  I generally advocate good open communication, but it could be
    risky to do so with him.


    	It sounds like your daughter doesn't want to move either if she's
    *trying* to find something here.  However, have you talked to her and
    let her know how hard this would be on you?  No doubt she knows, but
    there's nothing like a good chat to reinforce those feelings.


    	And you have to take into consideration what's best for *her*.  A
    guaranteed job for one of them *and* a free place to stay are very
    appealing.  Of course, if one of them got hurt or in trouble because
    your ex is too much of a weheeler-dealer then it may not be such a
    great deal after all.  There are very few free lunches these days.


    	In the end, perhaps the most constructive things you can do are to
    try and help your daughter find a job and a place to stay here.  With
    those in hand, it sounds like your ex's offer pales very rapidly in
    your daughter's eyes, probably eliminating the need for a move.  I
    really can't think of what else you might DO.


    	Good luck,



    Brian

    ouch...that's a tough one...
    
    I think that you need to communicate with your daughter and her SO.
    Tell her what's on your mind and your judgement and your fears.
    
    Then you have to step back and let her make her own choices. She
    is an adult now who has to make her own life choices now.
    
    It must infuriate you that he would step in. Maybe he really does care
    and wants to help. You know him better than any of us and you what what
    is going on under the surface.
    
    This is a hard time for you when they grow up and leave. It's going to
    be somewhat of a loss either way.
    
    You need to focus on building your own life now more than ever.
    
    Try to detach your emotions...let go and let god. Let your daughter
    know that whatever happens that you love her and want to be a part
    of her life. Then trust her to make her life choices. Some will be
    good and some won't.
    
    

    One point that you might want to raise with your daughter is that when
    you get out of school and have to start building a life for yourself,
    that's when your education REALLY begins!  She'll learn valuable life
    skills finding an apartment and a job on her own, REGARDLESS of who's
    offering her the free ride.
    
    In addition, things can get REALLY sticky when "family" is involved. 
    Because "family" are typically entitled to invade our personal space to
    some extent, she may find herself with unusual terms for the apartment,
    strange job expectations, whatever.  I'm not even talking hanky-panky
    here; I used to work at my parents' business, and I couldn't WAIT to
    get out after a while.  They could make me do things you'd NEVER be
    able to ask an employee to do (work overtime, sacrifice my social life,
    pull parental guilt-trips when I asked for improved working conditions,
    etc).
    
    Believe me; when you're an adult, it's MUCH better to have your housing
    ane employment be arms-length transactions than family affairs!
    
    Here's a thought... if your ex is REALLY having trouble renting that
    apartment, maybe she could offer to help by putting up flyers on
    campus: "Free Rent in Seattle!"  I'm sure he could get quite a few
    takers there! 8-)
    
    Then again, maybe he "can't rent" the apartment because it doesn't meet
    code.....
    
    --jim
    

    
    	Hi, Anne
    
    	Do you have a right to be bull..sure. It hurts. I feel the way the
    	first reply did..you have a right to feel whatever you're feeling.
    	What to do ?? I gues I would say..be honest. You can talk about
    	it...tell her what you think and feel. But..then..there's the
    	letting go thing. SHe's going to..and has to..do what she
    	has to do.
    
    	My sister..and her daughter..went through a lot of stuff..your
    	story reminds me of them. They went through all the
    	stuff together..the single mom in and out of relationship..
    	the tough stuff during the teen years. And..Dad was
    	non-existant except for a couple visits over a 20 year
    	period. a couple years ago..when the daughter
    	was 20...her dad offered her help if she came
    	and lived in FLA...and she did. My sister was really broken up...
    	but, what can you do ? For her, I think there was a couple things
    	happening..one was the loss of her "role" as mom..it was
    	time for Jessica to go find out about her own life and there
    	wasn't a place for the Mom role my sister had been playing up
    	to that point. A big loss..a big good bye to that "era". The
    	second part was the unresolved anger at the EX. There was
    	the "losing" of her little girl..but...then "losing" her to
    	an A&&hole (her viewpoint ((and mine;-))  It was a really
    	rough time. But..there wasn't much for her to do ..excpet
    	be honest about her feelings...talk about it..with me and other
    	family members...pray..and let go. 
    
    	The outcome...so far...Jessica had to go find out how SHE felt
    	about her dad. She found out..he offered help..but, it was
    	offered to make him look good. He never anticipated she'd GO !
    	He gave her NO HELP. There were things she got from it..like, she
    	got to have a relationship with her half-sister and brother ...
    	and she got to find out who her father was. She got to de-mystify
    	him...which was important. She has a closer relationship with her
        mom now..on a different level..different plane. Actually..my sister
    	ended up going to FLA herself after a year and half..and
    	they have traveled and lived together down there and lived together
    	now and then. 
    
    	I have gone off on a total tangent (as usual) but, I guess the
    	key point is that we can't stop people from doing what they have
    	to do. I once heard that "saving" people from making their
    	mistakes robs them of the dignity of learning from them.
    
    
    	This has got to be really tough..I wish you the best
    	hugs..
    	dotty 

    
    	It sounds like there's some unresolved stuff between you and your EX
    that this situation is bringing up for you. Might be an opportunity to
    take a look at that, go through it and let it go.
    
    	Perhaps it is to your daughters fortune that this fellow is
    interested in her now, and was interested in her enough to at least
    invite her out for a week every year. Does she have any other father
    figure type in her life, that cares for her at all?
    
    	Cant really say whether his offering will be beneficial or
    deleterious to her starting out in the real world for the first time.
    However, at least it's something and she needs a clear slate upon
    which to decide if it's for her or not; if that's all cluttered up with
    your feelings about your EX that this has brought about (and have
    nothing to do with her) she might lose an opportunity and become
    resentful towards you later in her life.
    
    	So, you can have your feelings about this and work through them,
    like, by writing this note, but you may want to keep them seperated
    from your daughter's processing of his offer. It'd be unfair to her
    to contaminate that with your feelings about him, because those are
    between you and him. Her feelings about him may be totally different.
    Of course, you want her to be "loyal" to you, given the choice, but be
    careful to whom that serves.
    
    	Hope these ideas help,
    
    	Joe