Conference quark::human_relations

    
    	Re .0 -
    
>	Most recently,  in a fit of temper,  Jill destroyed some 
>	wastebaskets and glass goblets.  The wastebaskets were 
>	cloth-covered with decorations made by his late grandmother.
>	Jill explained her actions,  saying that she didn't want
>	another woman having control of her space.
    
    	Jill's psychotic. She's losing touch with reality; She cant deal with 
    with the fact that she doesnt have what she wants right now. At least 
    not in a way that's appropriate - 
    
    	It's my guess that her form of "acting out" is connected to what
    happened to her; the parental insensitivity to her needs getting met.
    Your friend will not be able to fill that hole - no matter how much
    material and expense he dumps into it.
    
    	Jill has to be accountable to that part of her. She's certainly not
    responsible for what happened during her childhood, but she _is_
    accountable to her reactions in her life today because of it. *She*
    has to fill that hole and that is a process which happens irrespective
    of "outside appearance" things like "nice house, late model cars, and
    fashionable clothing". Because it has nothing to do with any of that
    stuff.
    
    	From the bit I read around her tendency to "quit" her counseling,
    Jill is not willing to do this. She wants it given to her; she wants
    now what she didnt get then. The reality is that it's too late for her
    to have a happy childhood; that calls for acceptance. It's not too late
    for her to have a happy adulthood - she's just going to have to work on
    herself some to get herself there. 
    
    	Your friend can certainly be supportive and give her the kinds of
    things she needs in order for her to be able to transform those part of
    herself that are so wounded. Stuff like compassion, presence, attention,
    and caring come to mind. You know that...priceless non-materialistic 
    stuff.
    
    	Hope this helps,
    
    	Joe

    Sounds like a sad situation, and if Jill does not get what she wants
    she throws a fit and acts like a spoiled brat. She has to grow up, she
    is an adult. I can see a three year old throwing things in a fit of
    rage but not an adult. She has to learn to control her temper, not to
    mention those fits can do a number on her heart.  
    
    About the wastepaper basket, destroying it because she did not want
    another woman having control of her space?It is his grandmother for
    gawd sakes!! And she made those decorations out of the goodness of her
    heart. That was her way of hurting him for not giving her the toys she
    wants.
    
    There is quite an age gap between them. Does he treat her like a child
    instead of an adult, maybe that is another reason why she gets
    frustrated and throws fits like a child.
    
    She should keep on going for counseling and learn to control that
    temper that can do a number on her health down the road. She should
    realize that she cant have everything she wants when she wants, it is
    sacrificing for a person that you love.

    Jack sounds like an enabler and should get some counseling himself. 
    Somewhere, he lost some self esteem and he's letting her destroy things
    that are theirs/his/hers.  Why is he putting things in storage?  To me,
    that's just prolonging the inevitable - when he eventually takes them
    back out she'll just smash them again.
    

    Since there is a good 14 year age gap between Jack and Jill, I am sure
    Jack likes the fact he has a young gal on his arm. That could be the
    reason why he does not want to loose her,  who is spoiled and does
    not care what she destroys cause she does not have the room for it. Boo
    hoo hoo on her part ;'/
    
    I think they should both go to counseling, get a third neutral party in
    there and stick with it until the problem is resolved.  If it does not
    work he is better off getting a divorce and marrying someone with more
    maturity and respect for his possessions and for him.  And someone who
    is going to love him for him and not for what kind of car, house,
    jewelry, furs and dream house he can provide for her.
    
    Tell your friend to give counseling a shot and if it does not help he
    is better off without her.
    
    Lynne

    
    Wow! All of you are right. Jill sounds scary, but is getting
    away with it. Definitely some unmet childhood need, which can
    be helped if jill wants it.
    Poor Jack, he must really love her, and that's hard.
    
    Good luck and I hope it works out.
    
    Bob R.

    If Jill has not worked out her own childhood issues, then having a
    child will make her tantrums worse, as Jack focuses his attention
    on the child. I think Jill is giving clear indications that she no
    longer wishes th marriage to continue. To ignore this puts everyone
    including Jill in danger. It is easy to sit and write words about
    these problems, but I really feel for people in this situation
    
    
    P.J.

       Jill is just a spoiled child.
    

    If you really love someone, material stuff should not matter. Real love
    is loving the person for who he/she is not what he/she can buy for you.