| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
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| 79.1 | | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Why not ask why? | Mon Sep 12 1994 14:29 | 22 |
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Re .anon
From my experience, it's natural for insecurity and self-doubt to
arise when a couple's "sex life lately has been pretty much
nonexistent". The cause of this needs to be investigated, IMHO, and
there maybe unfortunate consequences if you're each too "exhausted"
to do so.
One thing you can try is simply tell him: "I'm finding myself getting
more jealous and insecure about this". Hopefully, he'll say "what's
*this*?" - and you can explain perhaps "We'll, we have this nonexistant
sex life and there's this woman at work that you dont mention and it
seems like you're hiding something and I dont know what going on PLEASE
TELL ME!" The, er, beginnings of working it out. Hopefully he'll be
interested in how you feel and not say "Everything's FINE - I dont know
what you're talking about...girl at work...hiding something...go away,
lemme read my paper."
Rooting for you,
Joe
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| 79.2 | It is hard but worth it! | MROA::MAHONEY | | Mon Sep 12 1994 16:46 | 28 |
| Yes... that is normal, specially around the 7 years itch... I wouldn't
let jealousy take the best part of me though, it is quite normal to be
tired after all daily chores and responsibilities of every day living
and "neglet" a little bit those intimate moments that any couple is
entitled to... just make sure you FIND some free time for your spouse
in which freely talk and discuss your daily concerns, and express the
real you, without interruptions... there is always ways to attain this.
Talk to your husband clearly and frankly about how you feel regarding
jealousy and how devastating "that" would be for you... I am sure that
no one really wants to hurt a spouse if the person knows the hurt that
it could bring... If you set your standards HIGH from day one you have
a high possibility that your husband's will match yours, but, we are
all humans, and if a person knows that "can get away" with a little
excitement in life... he/she "might" be tempted, but if that same
person knows that the marriage and the family will dissappear as a
result of that... he MIGHT reconsider and give plenty of "thought"
before doing something foolish... Honesty is paramount in a marriage,
and trust is too, but as I said... we are humans and we tend to committ
many mistakes... just make sure that your husband knows the way you
feel and... just as a second thought... always keep your eyes open on
young co-workers... You'll be amazed at the amount of young kids who do
NOT MIND fooling around with married people, just make sure your
husband is not one of them.
Cheers and keep up a possitive aptitude, marriage and kids is a lot of
work, but totally WORTH IT.
Ana
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| 79.3 | | ASDG::CALL | | Mon Sep 12 1994 16:56 | 18 |
| I guess my question is 'Do you have any other reasons to suspect him'?
Has something happened or has someone said something to you?
Jealousy if not warrented can damage a relationship...however if he's
doing something to cause you to be jealous then it needs to be brought
to the surface.
These are the kinds of things that if not checked...can and will cause
divorce.
You have to have trust in a marriage or you have nothing.
Do you have a counselor or a minister or someone who is willing to
mediate if things get out of hand?
Please remember that no-one is immune from having problems from time to
time in a marriage.
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| 79.4 | | WRKSYS::MACKAY_E | | Wed Sep 14 1994 18:52 | 43 |
|
re .0
I've been there and this is what I have learnt.
- people got married, have children, and they put their
own emotional needs at the bottom of the priority lists.
- unfulfilled emotional needs exhibit itself in all different
ways like jealousy for one, etc
- it is not healthy for children to grow up not knowing
how to take care of their emotional needs in a relationship.
We as parents have a responsibility to teach them how to
live a balanced life.
- chores will always be there. it is more important to set
aside time for intimacy than to mow the lawn or do the
laundry.
- it is important to remember who you and your spouse really
are, before you guys became someone's mommy and daddy.
Go out on dates, as lovers, on a regular basis, not occasionally,
AND forget you have kids for a few hours.
- poeple don't have affairs if their needs are taken care of at
home.
- young people are "attractive" not because they are fresher
looking, but because they are carefree and spontaneous.
Being a parent does not mean we have to lose these youthful
qualities!!! At least, once a week or so, for a few hours
you could be as reckless, silly, sexy, or whatever you were
before you started changing diapers.
- don't worry about the young woman, think about where you would
like to go or do on your next evening out, instead.
Eva
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| 79.5 | Jealousy will hurt you! | NSTG::SHEEHAN | | Mon Sep 26 1994 14:19 | 31 |
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Reply .0
Jealousy even if warranted will hurt you! Jealousy can cause more problems
with you emotionaly and has caused the death of many a relationship as well
as in extreme cases the people involved. Jealousy in a relationship is the
fear/anger of the percieved or apparent loss of control of another persons
love for you.
In your case your jealous feelings are normal albeit still unhealthy. If you
fear losing your husbands love to another try to think back to what it is, or
was, that attracted you to him and him to you when you were younger. If he is
attracted by a young woman that is normal. It doesn't mean that he does'nt
love you! However it may mean that he misses his youth and is longing for
a youthful lifestyle. Maybe you could try to give him his youth back and
give yourself a taste of youth as well. I'm sure you also must long for those
days of freedom from pressures of raising children, work, maintaining a home
etc. If you spend some time making yourself look and feel young you may find
that his eyes for you and the youth you portray is all that he needs at this
point to stimulate his youthful longings. Not to mention the boost in your
self esteem from the positive comments from friends and co-workers about your
youthful apearance. Be careful though not to try to be the youth of today,
instead be of the younger generations you both know or somewhere in between
Ie. 5-7 years younger than your present ages. Otherwise it may be very
confusing and foriegn to him and you as well.
Best Wishes!
Neil....
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| 79.6 | Reply from anonymous author of base note | QUARK::MODERATOR | | Thu Sep 29 1994 16:31 | 65 |
| At this point I am becoming perhaps more disappointed in myself than in
my spouse. I have resorted to "snooping" and am disgusted by it -
because it is so out of character for me. My distrust has become all
consuming and I just hate it. I find myself looking in his calendar,
coat pockets, wallet each and every day for any "clue".
I have not come out and point blank asked my spouse if something is
going on with "x" (insert name here). I believe the reason is twofold.
First, I'm scared as hell of the answer - not to mention that I'm even
uncertain if he'd lie. Secondly, I'm afraid to ask because I feel so
damn ashamed and guilty about this snooping that I've done and am afraid
that if he knew, his disappointment in me would be devastating. But
what bugs me is that I'm usually a very intuitive person and as I said
in my basenote I keep getting this gut feel that I can't shake. When I
ask if he has interest in someone else he completely denies it.
The guilt I feel though has just compounded things and has me perhaps
even blowing it out of proportion. When my husband is holding me for
example I can't help but think he is perhaps wishing he were holding
"x", yet in the back of my mind I try to dismiss such thoughts and say
of course he'd rather be with me. For me, snooping has clearly not been
a good situation. And for those that are curious all I found was her
home phone number in his planner (I called it and got her machine) and
the number was on our phone bill once or twice too (calls recorded late
PM - after the kids were down and long after I crashed). He's the night
owl. The calls were of fairly short duration.
On the other hand, he still mentions her much less frequently than
others, in fact I am CERTAIN he even lied just this week about her
supposed lack of activity in a work function - I KNOW she participated.
I've read the replys to the basenote in an attempt to understand what it
is that he'd find attractive in someone else such as this. I think
most hit the nail on the head when they mentioned that perhaps she is an
example of some lost youth on our part, "freedom" if you will and
although he hasn't come out and said it, from comments that she made
(i.e, "bubbly", "vivacious") I assume she is likely physically
attractive as well.
This may seem petty but often times we'd leave one another cards, little
love notes, etc just to let the other one know we are thinking of them.
Granted this has greatly diminished in the years but for the last couple
of months I have made a conscious effort to do so. My spouse knows how
much those goofy little things mean to me (cards, flowers for no reason,
etc), but never once has it been reciprocated as of late. In fact twice
in the last few weeks I've slipped a card in his briefcase and will get
a voice mail something to the effect "Hi, just thought I'd let you know
that ....(nothing special here), and oh yeah, thanks for the card.
Nice. See ya". Geez, I just thought he'd react how he use to. Again,
perhaps my paranoia is getting a tighter hold of me.
I do know two things. One is that until I totally confront him, things
just won't improve. Because even if we do improve our intimacy, time
together, etc., I'm still going to have some "gut" feels and I need to
bring those to the table. Secondly, I think regardless, I need to talk
to a professional at least singularly, and then perhaps as a couple. I
just don't know when or how I'm going to start this whole process. I'm
quite confused and scared.
I do have one burning question though for you readers out there.
Knowing what I've revealed here (and realizing you are only hearing
"one" side), do you think something is going on? I'm curious to know if
others think so. I've yet to mention this to ANYONE, not family,
coworker, friend, etc. Seems like such a burden. And I know, I
know..it doesn't have to be that way.
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| 79.7 | oh dear | ASDG::CALL | | Thu Sep 29 1994 18:03 | 27 |
| I wish there was something someone could do to take away your anxiety.
If your husband is stepping out on you then chances are you will find
out. If he is then you will have to take a step back and make a few
choices yourself. It seems to me that your marriage is already in
trouble if you are in such a state of distrust.
Are you taking any steps to take care of yourself in the event that he
should leave you. Do you have options available? If you do confront him
and you don't like the answer then it could be over in a flash.
Is that why you haven't asked him about the late night phone calls?
Are you going to bed toooo early and neglecting him? I've seen that
happen in a marriage. If the spark is gone is there anything that you
can do to bring it back? Is your husband treating you badly. I think
that is one of the signs.
Some marriages do survive this. Are you willing to go the distance?
Also I think you should know that is one is 'out' then you both are
'out'. You can't 'make' someone be 'in' if they don't 'want' to be.
My sister and her husband recently went through something like this. It
wasn't that she was stepping out...it was that she was interested in
another man. Everything came out into the open and they came close to
splitting up. My parents and his parents were involved. I guess it got
very emotional on both sides. They are still together.
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| 79.8 | | GEEWIZ::BOURQUARD | Deb | Thu Sep 29 1994 19:42 | 18 |
| > I do know two things. One is that until I totally confront him, things
> just won't improve. Because even if we do improve our intimacy, time
> together, etc., I'm still going to have some "gut" feels and I need to
> bring those to the table. Secondly, I think regardless, I need to talk
> to a professional at least singularly, and then perhaps as a couple. I
> just don't know when or how I'm going to start this whole process. I'm
> quite confused and scared.
I can't tell you when, but I can tell you how. Call EAP. Use VTX EAP
to find the contact in your geographical area. This is a benefit provided
by Digital and it is free.
I had one other thought... If it's too scary right now to confront your
husband about his interest in another woman, can you confront him about
the state of your marriage? Say to him something like "Gee, dear, it seems
like we've lost something somewhere over the past <however long>, and I
really miss <state some specific things that you used to do/have together
that is missing now>. And then just see how he responds???
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| 79.10 | Been there | POWDML::FLEURENT | | Fri Sep 30 1994 15:30 | 25 |
|
I agree with .8 - please for your own sake and well being, please
find a professional that can help you sort out all of these feelings.
EAP is a good place to start. You owe it to yourself and to your
children. I can tell you from past and painful experience that you
cannot control or change how your husband feels - but you can gain
control over your own life.
I have to say that insecurity in a relationship and the jealously that
results - is the worst of feelings, I remember going through that
panic struck snooping stage. I feel for you.
All relationships go though funks, do not assume the absolute worst.
Try talking with him, try to be calm - hopefully he'll talk back. She
(the co-worker) may just be a good friend - who listens.
Remember back to when you were "courting" - the little extra effort
that you put into your appearance before a date - or to laugh at that
interesting (or not so interesting or funny) story or joke. Men's egos
like peaches - bruise easily ... That co-worker may be filling that
void.
Been there,
Holly
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| 79.9 | Anonymous reply | QUARK::MODERATOR | | Fri Sep 30 1994 19:05 | 73 |
| The following entry has been contributed by a member of our community
who wishes to remain anonymous. If you wish to contact the author by
mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
your name attached unless you request otherwise.
Steve
Response to anon,,
I have went through the same things you are going through....It's
like a private hell. I can only tell you how I feel. I felt the same
way way you do in my marriage. I felt it was my place to stand by him
because it was my job as a good wife. Anon, your not to blame for this
there is surely a reason you feel this way. I too, put the blame on me
and felt awful because I didn't trust him...Because I too would snoop
in every area of the house and his belongins..I'm not saying it's right
either...But I too had to know the truth. Sometimes even if you asked
for the truth in knowing doesn't mean he'll tell you. So, just let me
tell you my story.......
It began about 15 years ago..,,,,,
I had 4 children at the time...and I knew something was wrong I just
felt it in my guts....I tried to pretend it was all me .....but I knew
in time it wasn't. I couldn't get people to help me understand why I
was feeling this way....They would just say....no he wouldn't do that
to you.....he loves you....and there was times he really showed me and
told me he did,.....so, who was I to say he didn't...anyway this went
on for about "7" years....on and off......
Well, one day I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he would tell me
no.....of course not I love you...But I would see telephone numbers
that I wouldn't know and ask him about it....course he didn't have the
any idea who's they were....so, one day I called and I asked the other
person on the line if she knew ( so an so) and why was he calling her.
She said they were just friends....well I confronted him all about this
and he finally told me the true about everything......not without
denying everything......
This has been a looooooooong rode for the both of us......but it's been
a rode traveled. This May I will be married to the same man for "20"
years.....!!! i have faith and love in him because I learned to forgive
and "try" and forget about the pass pain. He's worth it to me.
I know he'llnever do this again because of the pain that I went through
wasn't worth it in the end......
The best advise I could give you anon is get help for yourself first
then get help for the both of you....Your both worth it!!
Please, Please .,,,,don't blame yourself....these things can be worked
out they really can......believe me I am living proof of that. I know
too well that pain......If I can be of any help to you let me know and
I'll give my name to the moderator..
I pray for you...,,,,,,anon.......
I'm not here to hurt you even more I'm just
being honest in what you were asking....about what we thought about
what was going on.
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| 79.11 | it happens very often | MROA::MAHONEY | | Thu Oct 06 1994 12:38 | 25 |
| I always thought that a marriage is like a fireplace in a winter
night... you have a nice fire that wamms you and keep you confortable
but... you have to feed it with a log from time to time to keep it
going... if not, the best of fires will die out. ("a funk" is a sure
sign that the fire needs a log to keep it going and make it brighter
and warmer).
We are humans and have lots of insecurities, wishes, dreams... and it
is very normal to have those. We have to be sensitive and understanding
to "the hother half" and understand those feelings and "share" those
dreams, wishes, etc. and not act against them, but understand them.
Only then we can learn to grow together and not apart... a marriage is
a constant learning process, a constant sharing of everything, and very
fulfilling when we attain that stage in life...
Hang on to it, share "your" feelings with your spouse, make him
participant of all your wishes, dreams, etc, etc, he will like to be in
it with you. And still, hang on, it takes a lifetime to make a lifetime
marriage...full of good things and less good things but BOTH are
indispensable to make it work. (even the most beautiful rose has a few
"thorns" hidden here and there!)
Hang on, it is quite worth it.
Best wishes, Ana
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| 79.12 | | WRKSYS::MACKAY_E | | Thu Oct 06 1994 18:24 | 37 |
|
I would definitely suggest professional help for yourself first.
Focus on your needs first.
I think you need to talk to your husband about your feelings and
concerns. If he is not seeing someone else, ie. he loves you,
he will understand your problems and "forgive you" for the snooping
*IF* he finds out, I don't think you need to tell him that part. If
he is seeing someone, he'll either lie or admit it. If he admits it,
it'll be very painful for you, but it is better for you to find out
sooner than later. If he lies about it, at least he knows you are on
the alert, and he may even stop the affair, since it will jeopardize
your relationship. All in all, I don't think you can lose by talking
to him, you just need to be prepared for the answer.
I believe honesty is the most important thing in a marriage, you need
to be honest about your feelings. Also remember that if one keeps
looking for evidence for wrongdoings, one will eventually find it,
self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also think that we were taught to believe in cinderella type of
marriage - happily ever after. Marriage is like anything else in
life, it goes up and down. Sometime work is great and sometimes it
s*cks. Sometimes the kids are wonderful and sometimes they are
unbearable. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women from
Venus, uses a garden as analogy to describe love and relationships.
When a couple are dating, it is like spring, everything is rosy.
When a couple have to deal with each other on a daily basis,
it is like summer, it takes hard work. When the relationship matures,
it is like fall, harvest time. When the couple gets stressed out,
it is like winter, it hits bottom and things don't like good. But then,
if you hang in there, spring will come around again!!! We just need
to undestand these cycles and ride out the winters and not lose hope.
Eva
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