Conference quark::human_relations

 It saddens me to hear of so many people ending their marriages especially
 when there are children. If your friend truly wants whats best for his
 children then I'd suggest trying every possible means to make the marriage
 work. However if that is something that is no longer an option then I'd
 highly recomend Joint Physical Custody as the least painful alternative
 for his children. There are plenty of books on Joint Parenting in a lot
 of local libraries. I've found the public library in Salem NH to be a good
 source. Depending on the ages of his children here are a few suggestions
 on a joint physical custody schedule.

 Ages 1-5

 2 consecutive days with each parent alternate weekends

 Ages 6-9

 1/2 week with each parent

 Ages 10 - 14

 1 week with each parent

 Ages 15 - 18

 2 weeks with each parent

 These are guidelines only and no matter what is tried the children need
 time to adjust and must be monitored for any problems which arise.

 My ex and I have Joint Physical custody of our two daughters ages 8 & 9 and
 have kept a regular schedule since the time we seperated 2 1/2 years ago.
 Our schedule is Sunday evening 6pm thru Wednesday 3pm with DAD and Wednesday
 3pm thru Saturday 9am with Mom. Then we alternate Saturday 9am thru Sunday 6pm.
 This schedule has worked well for us and our children have had very little
 problems switching houses.

 Neil....

 Feel free to contact me offline if you'd like a reading list or to discuss
 joint parenting and its pros and cons
  

If he's not willing to accept negative feedback, then he's not looking for 
support, he's looking for someone to "validate" his choice and tell him
he's "doing the right thing."

When he made the choice to get married, there was obviously something special
about the woman he was seeing.  Have they worked with each other to see 
what they can do to bring back the "spark"?  How receptive is she to 
working on the relationship...in fact, how receptive is HE to working on it?
It's really unclear from the basenote what the situation is...

From the way it's presented, it sounds like the wife isn't even a factor 
in this ("he's about to leave his wife...").  

Just because their relationship is the way it is right now, doesn't mean
it can't change if she (the wife) knows the potential cost of what she's
going to lose.  However, what incentive is there for her to change if she
doesn't even know he's considering leaving (does she?).

Anyway....maybe he is making the best choice, maybe he's not, but he's 
got to be 100% sure, and having someone else (a peer group) validate that
choice without presenting his options to him, is not going to help his
children.

If he's truly interested in his children and their well-being, he will 
look for SUPPORT in this area, not just VALIDATION.  If he truly knows
what he wants to do, then he should do it, but if he's concerned and unsure,
then he should listen to ALL support, not just the kind that he wants to hear.

I do know of (and have participated in) am organized peer group of women (there
are groups for men too) focussing on the Relationship, what's good/bad for 
the children, the ramifications to children of the choices we make, etc.  These
groups operate on supporting people to handle what's going on in their lives,
but they are more concerned with providing REAL support, not simple validation.
They want people to have successful lives for them and for their children...
not just to make someone feel "comfortable" with the choice they've made.

I could put him in touch with a man in one of the men's groups if he's
interested.  You would need to contact me off-line.    

Concerned....

kath

    
    There are a number of men's groups in the Metrowest area:
       		Parents Without Partners
        	Divorced Fathers Group(Meets in Brookline)
    		Concerned Fathers Group
    		A Gathering of Men(Brighton but has branches in Metrowest)
    I am involved in a couple of the groups mentioned and I would be glad
    to give you or your friend a synopsis of the aims of each group and the
    benefits I've come to experience from each group. Much of the benefits
    are particular to each person; he may need to sample what each group
    offers. 
    One bit of advice I would offer is that he does connect with a divorce
    group for advice on the legal and tax ramifications of the decision he
    is about to make. There are heavy penalties one pays in a divorce.
    Enough said! Feel free to contact me off line.
    
    Hal
    

    re: .2
    
    It's not that he's not willing to accept negative feedback.  He wants
    all information on all points, he's just not looking for people to tell
    him  mostly negative things.  Does that make sense?  There is a very
    long history behind all this, much too long to go into here and I don't
    really feel it's my place to air all his dirty laundry.  Suffice it to
    say that he is by no means taking this decision lightly.  He doesn't
    want to cause any more pain than is necessary and he doesn't hate his
    wife.  He just knows that he is not in love with her anymore and hasn't
    been for years.  Yes, she knew that there were problems in the past and
    I would think (but can't know for sure) that she must suspect that
    things still aren't quite right because of his actions (or lack
    thereof) at home but isn't willing to face up to it.  They have gone to
    counseling together in the past also.  He's told her that he doesn't
    love her but she denies it. He knows he needs to be 100% sure which is
    why he hasn't made any clear cut decisions right now.  He knows what
    his owns personal wants and needs are but he's worried about how those
    wants and needs are going to affect his children. He's accepted the
    fact that his family and friends are going to be upset and some may
    turn against him.  That was a big step for him.  Now he's trying to get
    to the next one.
    
    re: .3
    
    Thank you for the group suggestions.  I'll forward them along to my
    friend  along with your name if that's ok.  Maybe he'll get in touch
    with you himself.