Conference quark::human_relations

    19.0
    
    I have the same type of family. Although they don't asked it anymore, 
    that was a big question always. I'm the last of six children and my 
    oldest niece is only 4years younger than me, she's married to a 
    jerk, but "has a house and is expecting a baby". Well, my anwser to 
    all that ask is..."...it's not a priority in my life right now, I 
    have other goals that I would like to achieve before I take that 
    step..." usually fends them off.   If they persist, kindly let them
    know it's not a subject open for comment....
    
    hope this helps a bit....

    "I'm still screening applicants."
    
    Leslie

    <Gesture of self-exasperation>  "I *knew* there was something I'd
    forgotten!"
    
    						Ann B.

	Oh, I am very fussy!


	I'm in a similar situation though I'm a few years younger. My parents 
	are quite good at laying off the marriage pressure but I do get a lot
    	of "Who did you go with?" questions when I tell them about some
	concert or whatever I saw, which gets the reply "Me".

	Linda

Miss Manners would first suggest something on the order of "Why would you
ask something like that?", said in a properly astonished tone which is
meant to provide a suggestion that the question should perhaps not have been
asked.

Though I do admit a fondness for Ann's suggestion - I think the T-shirt
she is referring to actually says "Oh my God!  I forgot to have children!",
but the idea is the same.

Of course if you DO get married, the question then shifts to "Why don't you
have children yet?" 

				Steve

On one hand, I can understand how you might feel like telling the person
"it's none of your business" why you're not married.

However, I've had an opposite experience.  At family gatherings, I *hate* to
have people ask me about my work here at Digital.  I'd much rather talk about
interesting stuff, like their and my spiritual experiences, or our relationships,
or our marriages, or lack thereof.

I just find the "so, what are you doing now, still at Digital" question
quite boring.  (Yes, I'm still at Digital, my first 20 years are over next year).

/Eric

    I say you gander over to the persons spouse who asked you and say,
    "Well you know, you get what you settle for, and I haven't found anyone
    worth settling for."

    The snappy remarks are a lot of fun to think up, and sometimes might
    even be useful for sending a message to an especially persistent and
    nosy person - but in general, and especially at family gatherings, I
    don't see much to be gained by being snippy to (probably) well-meaning
    people. [That said, the temptation to reply to such a query with "Oh, I
    think marriage is an archaic tool of repression by the patriarchy" is
    sometimes almost overwhelming. ;-)]
    
    Since I've been blessed with a bunch of wonderful relatives who don't
    generally ask such questions (and never ask them more than once), and
    who can think of more interesting topics for conversation, I haven't
    had to respond to such questions. If I did, I suppose the first
    response would be, "Oh, I dunno. Why do you ask?" (if I wanted to be
    pointed) or "I dunno. Hey, how about those Celtics?" (if I wanted to
    continue talking with that person, but about something else).
    
    [How about, "I was married in a previous life and I've never gotten
    over it"?]
    
    -b

    
>    Since I know it's going to happen, I thought I'd "prepare" myself.  
>    You see, I'll be at a family reunion this summer and I just *know*
>    I'll be asked the inevitable questions, "Why aren't you married?,"
>    "How come you're not married yet?," "So, when are *you* going to 
>    get married?".....and every other variation possible.


    	<Sigh>.  How well I know this!  With my parents, I've simply sat
    down and *told* them that my goal in life is to be happy, not
    necessarily married.  I will marry when doing so doesn't change my
    happiness factor (in a negative way).  I then point out my cousins who
    got married very early, and are now both divorced after pretty
    miserable marriages.


    	But that's probably not too convenient to say to relatives.  I
    liked Ann's response too; I'll have to remember that one!  If I come up
    with anything else (can't seem to just now) I'll post it.



    Brian
    

    My mother's family is planning a family reunion this summer too - I
    haven't seen most of those folks since I was a kid.  I wonder what
    kinds of wierd questions I'll get?  Apparently most of the attendees
    are going to be the numerous descendants of one of my mother's uncles
    (my Great Uncle Chester); the affair is being organized by one of my
    mother's first-cousins-once-removed.  So I won't even have met a lot of
    them, probably.  My mother was a bit put off, when she sent me the info
    about the reunion, that the organizers had listed my younger brother
    as someone to invite, but not me, anyhow (she is not too pleased with
    Brother since he is a very poor correspondent whom she never hears from
    except when he needs money.)
    
    /Charlotte

    You may be worrying for nothing...I was only dating someone for 3
    months when I was dragged to a family wedding...I anticipated the
    looks, the questions, the nudging, the wink-winks, and not ONE person
    asked anything about us...what may actually fuel any discussion at your
    family gathering is if YOUR immediate family brings it up. If your
    family says nothing then most relatives will ask them first before
    approaching you. I don't envy you! Good luck,

    	I get the "so when are you getting married?" line since I've 
    been in a relationship for more than a year now.  I think my
    grandmothers are the worst! :^)  But even others in my family
    periodically bring it up.  I just look exasperated and reply that
    *if* it happens, it won't be for quite some time, and maybe I 
    don't even *want* to be married!  (I think my folks finally know 
    better at this point!)

    	Sometimes I think about replying, "why ruin a perfectly good
    relationship?" :^)  

    	amy

    
    		I thought about this because my relative sometimes 
	come up with questions that I don't want to discuss.  I couldn't 
	come up with any good answers to this real problem.  Sorry I 
	can't help.  Good luck.  If you get really stuck,  feel free
	to use the following nonsense answers to, "Why aren't you married?"
	

		10. Wouldn't feel right about it 'til the company 
		    returns to profitability.

		9. Tax reasons.

		8. Prefer a good book in bed.

		7. Concern over global warming.

		6. Can't marry due to rare psychological disorder
		   caused by watching too many Bruce Lee films;  
		   perform karate in my sleep.

		5. Married but husband in FBI witness protection 
		   program.

		4. Don't want my relatives to stop asking this question.

		3. Fiance hasn't completed drug rehab program.

		2. Didn't read the fine print in a pre-nuptual agreement 
		   which prevents me from ever marrying.

		1. Guys lose interest when I tell them about my relatives.

    "Well if the Supreme Court overturns his conviction or the
    Governor grants him a pardon, we'll be married in June, but
    at the moment the prospects are not too good."
    
    ed

    I like the pseudo-quote from the couple who are asked why they only
    have one child...
    
    "... tried it once, and didn't like it"
    
    Richard

    With my relatives, I have found that the most effective response is:
    "It's none of your f______ business" with the expletive included.
    
    My relatives think nothing of pushing past my boundaries, and the
    vulgarity is neccessary to get their attention.  
    
    Having used this response a few times, my relatives have stopped asking
    me personal questions.
    
    					andrew

    re:.0
    
    I'm going to family reunion in Florida in 2 weeks.
    
    I'm sure that the first thing my Aunt Antonetta will ask me, right
    after she pinches my cheek and proclaims how cute I am at 90 decibels,
    is : "Michael, have you found a nice girl yet?"
    
    I love Auntie dearly and would never dream of being nasty to her or any
    other relatives who would ask me that.  I'll simply tell her "No, auntie,
    not yet."
    
    I don't see any reason to get bent out of shape over a question like
    "Why aren't you married?"  I certainly can't see a reason to be nasty
    to family members who ask the question, except, maybe, if I knew for
    sure they were being mean-spirited.

.16> With my relatives, I have found that the most effective response is:
.16> "It's none of your f______ business" with the expletive included.
    
    You must be a real joy at family reunion time.

>.16> With my relatives, I have found that the most effective response is:
>.16> "It's none of your f______ business" with the expletive included.
>    
>    You must be a real joy at family reunion time.
    
    I am -- I smile when I say it.
    
    					andrew

Mike, you should then ask Auntie if she has also found a nice motel nearby
for you and the nice girl.... :-)

			Steve

    How about something simple, honest and direct.
    
    "I don't wanna be at this time."
    
    Or, "Currently that isn't on my list of 'top ten goals to achieve by
    the 21 century".
    
    Skip

    Yes, delivery is everything.  A lot of the answers in here, if
    delivered in a nice tone of voice, with a big smile on the face and no
    trace of bitterness, are perfectly polite-sounding.  Similarly, "No, 
    auntie, not yet" could sound very rude if delivered in a snide tone.
    
    I like your aunt's phrasing of the question, though, Mike.  The way
    I've heard it, it's usually more like "when are you going to get
    married and give your parents some grandchildren?", which is a little
    harder to answer.
    
    	Sharon
    

    Marlene and others, 
    
    > The one I like so far is, "Why?  Should I be?"    :)
    
    You might get the answer of something to the effect:
    
    Isn't this something you would like? 
    
    
    I think the real problem with these questions is that they hit on
    a very vulnerable part of the the emotions. 
    
    All the answers that say something to the effect, "It's none of your 
    businness" say, 
    
    - I don't want to talk of this
    - this is something I do not feel comfortable talking about
    - I'm hurt so leave me alone
    - this is something that I'm not prepared to open up myself about
    
    The knowledge of this also makes it difficult for a person to ask
    when they are truely concerned for the person or would like to help
    

    >All the answers that say something to the effect, "It's none of your 
    >business" say, 
    >
    >- I don't want to talk of this
    >- this is something I do not feel comfortable talking about
    >- I'm hurt so leave me alone
    >- this is something that I'm not prepared to open up myself about
    
    No, for me "It's none of your f______ business" means precisely
    that.  If somebody asked me how much I was paid, I'd use exactly 
    the same answer, for exactly the same reasons.
    
    					andrew

    re:.20
    
    First I would have to make a preparatory call to the nearest ambulance
    service.  ;')
    

    Well for me it's this " I am but right now I'm trying to get out of it"
    Actually very true!
    
    dlh

    My boyfriends mother is always asking me "When are you going to marry
    my son?" -- I think it is kind of cute.  I just answer her with "Why
    buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and "I feel that
    marriage is an institution, and I am much too young to go into an
    institution".  Now, if one of my nosy relatives were to ask me, I would
    just say "If I got married, then you would have nothing to gossip
    about".
    
    Hope this helps,
    
    Debby
    

.27>  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
    
    Al Bundy says "Peg, why would I go out for milk when I have a cow at
    home?"

You could always do something really radical like tell
the truth.

> You could always do something really radical like tell
> the truth.

  People who ask prying questions are usually not doing it because they really
  care, but because they want gossip. So, they probably don't deserve the
  truth.

  - Jim

    re:.29
    Why be truthful and pleasant when you can be mean and nasty?
    
    re:.30
    Nice, broad brush you've got there, Jim.

  RE: .31, Mike
 
  > Nice, broad brush you've got there, Jim.

  Mike, I said "People who ask prying questions are USUALLY not doing it
  because they care."

  I said "USUALLY", not "ALWAYS". Would it have better if I said "often" of
  "sometimes"?

  Also, would it have been less offensive to you if I started the sentence
  with "In my experience,"?

  Get a grip!

  - Jim

  P.S. In my experience, people who constantly argue and correct everyone
  in sight are sometimes not doing it because they want the truth to come out,
  but rather because it's the only way they can get people's attention.

    I didn't find it offensive, Jim.