Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I don't think this person is the right one for you!  You may like her
    too much and you don't want her to leave.  But that's probably exactly
    what you need to do.

    a question you might consider asking yourself ...
    
    'why do I keep getting into failing relationships?"
    
    
    
    			herb
    

    It's apparent that this woman does not value your relationship
    as you do.  This will do nothing but bring even larger problems
    down the road if you stay in this unhappy relationship.
    
    Life's too short to be miserable, you know.
    
    

    I think you need to understand that you can't control people, it is 
    amazing listening to this story it sounds like a page out of my life
    story.  I know it's hard but have a little pride and demand better 
    treatment, by this I mean tell her to take a hike, demand this from
    yourself.  I now can make decisions about how I want to be treated 
    rather than letting them decide when they will come home at four 
    o'clock in the morning.  Something to think about, you only have one
    thing in this life and it's control over yourself,  right now you don't
    even have that.  She doesn't have your best interest in mind.  I only
    reply this firm because your story note for notes mine.

    
    I'm very sorry to hear about this, it sounds to me like you really care
    about this person.  A few questions that come to mind that I would like
    to share with you, and you may want to just think about (respond only
    to your self) are:
    
    Why hasn't a real commitment (marriage) from both of you not taken
    place after such a lengthy period of time?  Do you really want a total
    commitment?
    
    If you have on occassion, flirted, how do you honestly feel about that?
    
    Perhaps taking the time to sit down with your SO and discussing each
    others expectations of the situation your involved in could add some
    value to your delima.  You may not want the same things from a
    relationship.
    
    How do you feel about spending the rest of your life wondering where
    your SO really is and how is this going to affect your relationship?
    
    I think the most important question I would want to answer for myself
    would be what can I do (for myself) to participate in a "Healthy 
    Relationship" the answer may indicate that perhaps some private
    counseling for yourself may be in order.
    
    My final comment is just a question that I frequently ask of myself.
    "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
    
    Hope this helps,
    
    Ellen

The one thing that I think can clearly be stated is that you want to be with
her much more than she wants to be with you.  At least that's the conclusion
I've drawn from your narrative.

However, why is that?  Your use of the phrase, "forsake everyone else" leaves
me with an uneasy feeling.  When I'm dating someone, there's no *way* I'm going
to forsake everyone else in my life!  I will generally put that person a little
above many other folks, but that's not always true either.  If I had a friend
who really needed me and my girlfriend just wanted to go see a movie or some-
thing, there's no question about where my first priority would lie.

It's possible that you clutch at people you're dating a bit too tightly and
expect a bit too much.  It occurs to me that your girlfriend is doing what comes
naturally -- rebel against outside forces trying to control her life.  One thing
I've learned and try to remember, the tighter you grip someone the more they
want to get away.  You can't force someone to want to be with you.

I would look at why you want to be with her.  Do you *want* to be with her, or
do you *need* to be with her?  Very different questions, with very different
ramifications.  When strong emotions come up (anger, sadness, etc) in the context
of your relationship, examine why you're feeling them.  The results may sometimes
surprise you (you must be truly honest with yourself for this to work).

In any case, instead of focusing on her focus on yourself.  Most likely you were
happy before this person came.  You can do so again if you choose to.  Your power
in life lies in the *choices* you MAKE.  You lose power in life when you let
others make choices for you.

And while you're getting back to being happy again, loosen up on her a bit.  It
may be that she really cares about you, but finds the bonds of your relationship
too constricting.  If you free her, she may choose to come back.  Or she may
decide she likes her freedom.  In either case what to do would at least be more
clear.


Brian

    She doesn't sound like she's matured very much.  She's 25 and you're
    33?  Sometimes some people take others for granted to the point of
    thinking "they'll always be there when I want them", and so they do
    what they want to do, and it appears that it's "to heck with this
    realtionship".
    
    I don't like to judge people that I don't know...but from what you've
    said, it sounds like she REALLY needs to do some growing up.  Her
    "priorities" aren't in the right spots.
    
    I hope things work out for you...good luck.
    
    Lynne
    

    Yep. 8 years difference between the two of you. Nothing wrong with that
    mind you. But understand, you might be looking to walk, and she is to
    run. 

    Some time ago, when I had broken up with a relationship that I thought
    was going to last till the end of all times. Crushed, my mom sat down
    with me and said that relationships are like a pair of shoes..... ?? 
    When they are new, they are stiff, untried, and very shinny. As they
    get older, they become comfortable, proven, and not so shinny.
    And there will be a point in that relationship, if it last that long,
    that if one shoe is gone, the other is totally lost. 

    Smart mom I got.....:)

I shuffled things around so that the accidentally deleted base note
reappeared as the base note.

			Steve

    From my experience, relationships that you spend more time working on
    and less time enjoying are not worth it. It is difficult to leave a
    relationship that you are used to (or vested in), but think about it.
    If you have to agonize about a persons character etc why would you
    contemplate marriage? It's no cure all for relationship blues. 

    If your friends that are closer to this scene than we are, tell you 
    deserve better, start listening to them and stop making excuses
    (justifications) for how your partner is acting. You don't need this
    aggravation, no one does.

    Gail 

    If her "freinds" are more important then you.....I just hope she does
    not say she is going to the "Mall" case they are not open till 2:00 am
    ;-}!! Time to start "shopping"for a new relationship.

    
    
    What is it that YOU want to do?  For a moment just think of
    what you want and if that is realistic.  Be honest with yourself.
    Most of your last note spoke of what she was doing and how it
    hurt you.  You can not change her or make her do what you want
    her to do.  It's time to decide what you will accept and
    will not accept.  And go from there.

.11>    From my experience, relationships that you spend more time working on
.11>    and less time enjoying are not worth it.
    
    Exactly.
    
    There are people who are in relationships who don't have to walk on
    eggshells to keep it alive and enjoyable. There are relationships that
    work out, all on their own, for years and years.

    Myself I'd dump her and let her do some work at getting me back
    if she diden't try I'd consider myself better off without her.
    
    -j
    

    
    Steve,
    
    The base note still does not appear.......from the feedback, this 
    sounds alot like what I'm going through.  Can you re-instate the
    base note?
    
    -Lynn
    

Fascinating.  It looks as if the base note author deleted the base note (again)
and their reply.  I'm going to assume it was deliberate this time.  Sigh.

I don't think it would be appropriate for me to recover the text from my
journal file.

					Steve

    Steve,
    
       When the base noter entered a new note in 1261 and I replied in
    1261.1, it was deleted within a few days and replaced with another note
    by a different author.  I haven't moderated a conference in some time,
    but I thought you needed privs to delete (other people's) replies to a
    note you created?
    
       Cheers,
          Larry
    

Re: .18

When the basenoter entered the original 1261, it was as a replacement for
1260.0 which they had accidentally deleted.  I put things back together,
so that the base note was restored.  At the time I did so, there were no
replies to 1261, so I don't know what happened to your reply.  Since then,
a new 1261 was created which has no connection to the old one.

The author of a note can delete their own notes, including a base note.
I wish there was some protection at least against deleting base notes for
which their are replies, but there isn't.

				Steve

    Steve,
    
       Thanks for update.  I know I was writing a reply, but I must have
    left my terminal without saving it.
    
        - Larry