Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Hello,
    
    
    The person who tells you that you were asking for it is not worth a
    dime, he sounds super insensative. Show him the door. What happened to
    you is very traumatic and he should have handled it on a sesative
    manner instead of saying things to hurt.  By going to trial hopefully
    something will be done to put that man behind bars where he belongs.
    You are seeing a nice guy, go for it, it seems like you have a solid
    relationship to start since you have been freinds with this man for a
    while, and with someone to care about , the hurt wont be as great.
    
    
    Best of luck!
    
    
    Lynne

    First>  It's hard enough to go through everything that you are without
    standing by and accepting someone else's flack concerning it.  About
    your boyfriend at the time, you could spend lots of time and rational
    energy attempting to interpret his motives for saying what he did BUT
    as far  as I can tell you are NOT HIS court appointed interpretter of
    feelings? Capice?  Again, interpretting his responses is not your
    problem. (Your reaction was right on target--Good Bye and Good
    Riddance.)**
    
    Second>  It's always easier to run and hide than to be open and honest. 
    I am proud to hear that you are going to testify.  It is the only way
    the American justice system will ever work, even though it is a second
    assault of a kind for you.
    
    **As a side note, his behavior bears the markings of classic denial. 
    The logic goes something like this:  If someone I care about was
    attacked, she must have deserved it, otherwise, I will have to realize
    that the world can be cruel and that myself, as a good person, will
    also be open to attack.
    
    **Another secratary believes in her humble opinion:  He cared for you
    and believed that he would always be there to protect you.  In this
    case however he was unable to do this so he blamed you.  This enabled
    him to relieve himself of his own guilt.  (Take this with a grain of
    salt, I am no Freud!!)
    
    Hope everything works out for the best!!
    
    Marie & psuedo-Freud.
    
    

Is there some sort of victims assistance/rights group in your town?  They
should be able to help you through this very trying time.

Remember, YOU are the victim.  YOU did nothing wrong.

Bob

    You are *not* at *fault*!  You did nothing to deserve what happened
    to you, and anyone who would tell you otherwise is insensitive at best.
    I'm glad you are going to testify, and that the person was caught.
    That may help very much with closure for you in this trying time.
    I'm also glad to hear you seem to have found someone who will be
    supportive to you though all of this.   See if you can find a victim's
    assistance group as well, see if they can point you towards some
    recovery groups, they can prove to be very helpful.  Take care.
    
    bright blessings,
    -HA

    
    	It also sounded to me like he's acting out his insecurity
    	about not having been there to protect you. That does not
    	excuse his behavior and I'm glad you dumped him. 

    
    	Re - anonymous basenoter,
    
    	Sounds as if the man you were dating is quite the old fashioned
    thinker. He probably is of the ilk that believe if a woman is wearing
    flattering clothing, then "she's asking for it". Obviously, he *is*
    of the ilk that if a woman is even "out" instead of working somewhere,
    then "she's asking for it". 
    
    	Projecting here a bit, he probably also believes that children are 
    their "parent's property" and need to have "the devil beaten out of
    them at an early age" for them to grow up "properly".

    	You did yourself a service to dump him. He sounds like he most
    certainly *could* be capable of causing you much more pain than he has 
    already, given a choice made to stay with him. I'm sorry to hear
    about what happened to you.
    
    	 I'd just let what he said to you go. Maybe you can shake it
    by understanding that it was the product of a very sick kind of
    thinking, one that is substantially beneath what is almost general 
    knowledge in this day and age and that the man who spoke the words
    is quite possibly a very emotionally sick person. Though he probably
    doesnt think so, I think there's a very good chance he needs help 
    for his condition.
    
    	I Hope this helps. Good luck with going through your testimony!
    
    	Joe  

    Just out of curiosity...was the guy with no sympathy dropped on his
    head when he was a baby??  Forget what he said hun...it's not worth the
    effort of getting upset over.
    
    Testifying can be scary...but do it.  Don't let this jerks lawyer
    rattle your cage.  Tell it like it was.  As was said earlier - YOU are
    the victim - not the @$$#&!^ who did it to you.  You have the chance to
    put this guy behind bars...  I went through something similar...and
    worse.  If you want details, mail me.  Just remember - you really will
    be okay...life will eventually return to normal...just hang in there.
    
    Lynne
    

    There are some notes in an earlier versionof WOMANNOTES which talk
    about testifying against various attackers. You might want to read that
    to understand that there are other people who've been through this and
    who could possibly lend an ear and offer support.

    ditto what everyone else said!!
    
    cindy

    
    
    First off, congrats for taking a stand.  The courage you have
    shown merely by writing in here and by pressing charges shows
    a true character in you.  I agree with everyone eles in here.
    Ignore your ex's remark.  Do what you need to do for You!!
    
    One suggestion on testifying.  It may be helpful if you take
    some time before the trial and sit in on a similar case 
    preferably with the lawyer you have and if possible with the
    lawyer for the attacker.  It will get you a little bit familiar
    with the process and what you might be in for.  Even just getting
    yourself familiar with the courtroom may ease some fears and
    help  you concentrate on what you need to do.  I hope all goes
    well for you!
    
    Michele

    Re. basenote
    
    I salute you for your courage in standing up for your rights; I hope
    your appearance in court goes well.  My prayers are with you.
    
    And the replies are correct: it is NOT your fault - someone ELSE
    attacked you, and they are entirely culpable for their actions.
    
    Be strong, and be happy today.
    
    						--Eric--
    
    P.S.  ....and a LOUD raspberry for your ex-boyfriend! ;^)

    This may be out of left field, but if there is a rape crisis center
    near you, you might be able to talk with someone there about having
    someone supportive with you in court.  Even if your attack didn't
    include rape, I'd think the people that staff a rape crisis center
    would be sensitive to the apprehension you feel toward going to court
    and might be able to offer an informed/supportive/comforting shoulder
    while you go through it.
    
    If over-the-tube moral support is helpful to you, you certainly have
    mine!  My thoughts will be with you on Monday.  And do get back to us
    afterward and let us know how you're doing, OK?
    
    Regards,
    Karen

First of all I want to thank everyone that replied for their kind words and 
encouragement, it really means a lot to me.

I still don't know when the trial is going to be, I am waiting for the D.A. to 
call and let me know.  I'm getting really tense about the whole thing.  I am 
really cared, have a million feelings doing through me.

To top it off, I need to move as my rent is going up and I can't afford it, I 
will need to give away my beloved cat as I can't give him what he needs.  And 
then last night I had a misunderstanding with my Beau that I'm still trying to 
figure out.  He showed up with a girl from home (Maine) and told me that they 
were friends having a few beers together...not a problem, as I have men friends 
also.....It's just that they told me to meet them (my guy, her and our friend) 
at my guys house only they went to our friends house instead and they told me 
that I knew that....My guy told me that I worry to much.   She is very pretty,
they dated before, and he never told me that she would be in town... I probably 
am making too much a deal out of this but....I am just sooooooo emotionally 
drained that I can't do much but cry today....

Please tell me it will get better.

Thanks

    I'm going through a couple of things right now that make me feel like
    I'm getting kicked in the teeth....BUT...deep down, I know it'll pass
    and THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
    
    Just believe it hun...and if ya can't, believe that I believe.
    
    Lynne
    

It does and will get better. You are a survivor and will make it through this.
Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

Laura

          re: .0 (anon)

          I'm sorry this happened to you.

          Someone pointed me to this note.  I went through something
          similar a long time ago...

          Below are some of the things I would do with regards
          to the upcoming trial, and my perspective on the situation 
          with your ex-:
          
          [ps:   What was true for me might not be appropriate for you.
          Evaluate this in the context of your situation.   Also, I am not
          a lawyer, and please do not take the following as legal
          advice...]


          Regarding the man you were dating and his reaction -
          --------------------------------------------------

          > told me that it was my fault as I should not have been out
          > because I was unemployed (I can't figure that one out) and that

          Sounds like he believes in the "Just-World" theory:

          The rationale behind this insidious delusion is that  for them to
          admit that it could happen to you... a "good person", _without
          your being culpable_,  would be to admit that it could happen to
          them.  It's very difficult for someone to accept this, and denial
          kicks in.   In a "just-world" these things don't happen.  It's
          rationalized that you must have done something that _caused_ this
          to happen to you.  Something that a normal "good person" wouldn't
          do.  So in their mind they are still "safe".

          > The problem is that I can't seem to shake what he said to me..
          > This person told me that he cared very much for me.

          It also sounds like your being assaulted really changed the way
          he thought of you.

          The man I was in love with at the time reacted similarly.  His
          friends couldn't understand why he reacted the way he did either.
          He wouldn't do anything physical with me at a time when I
          desparately wanted to be touched and loved and reassured.  A
          wonderful 2 year relationship was over within a month, and I
          consequently lost faith in my ability to judge character in men.
          Not to mention trust.  It's so weird how you think you know
          someone and you don't.


          Regarding the upcoming trial -
          ----------------------------

          >    The second problem is that the trial is coming up and

          Have you given your deposition yet?  Also, it sounds from your
          description that the charges would necessitate a grand jury
          hearing first; if so, has this happened?  What were the charges
          filed?

          >   I guess I just need some help understanding it all.

          First, keep in mind that the prosecutor (D.A.) for your case is a
          lawyer that works for The State, not for you.  They have the
          state's interests in mind, not necessarily yours.  Be assertive
          about your needs with the prosecutor.

          Until the trial is over, don't talk to ANY psychologist or
          counselor about what happened or what you're feeling, including
          anyone from the state's victim/witness advocates office.  Your
          statements could be subpeonaed, and introduced as evidence.  This
          could look very bad in court, especially if you said negative
          things about yourself to the psych.  If you have already done
          this, tell your prosecutor everything you have told the psych so
          that s/he could prepare a response if one is needed.

          Close friends can also be called to testify under oath about your
          character and/or statements you've made relating to the case.

          Only use the victim/witness advocate office to answer questions
          about what you're going to be going through.  As Karen (hi
          Karen!) said, they might also provide someone to be with you
          during the trial.

          Next, get a copy of any statements you've made to the police that
          are in your file. Try to remember anything you told the
          responding police officers that didn't make it into the
          statement.

          Expounding on the above, write out *everything* that happened
          during the assault +/- 2 hours in the exact sequence you
          remember.  Include *all* detail you remember... all actions and
          dialog of course, but also any other sensory input you remember.

          Write any specific time you are absolutely certain of next to the
          event description. If you aren't absolutely certain of a specific
          time, but are certain it was [time] +/- 15 minutes, or 30
          minutes, include that.  If not certain of this, write which part
          of the day it happened (early evening, late afternoon, etc...)

          A day or 2 later, review what you wrote and add any further
          detail you can.

          Memorize, word-for-word, what you wrote.

          Memorize the order of what happened.

          Recite out loud what you wrote.

          Have someone play lawyer and ask you questions about the order of
          when something happened relative to something else.

          Consider if you might get shaken by something the defendant does
          or says during the trial.  Decide if you are going to look at him
          when you testify (you will have to at least once during the
          questioning, but beyond that...)

          This may sound really strange, but the more you were injured from
          the assault, the easier it will be on you in general, and in the
          courtroom, especially since you are female.

          I was beaten up pretty badly, needed hospitalization, and I
          believe this alone resulted in the courtroom focus shifting from
          "did I want it" to  exactly what happened and proving who did it.
          And I think I received more sympathy and understanding from the
          police and everyone involved (except for my ex-) because of it.
          Which can mean a lot when you're going through something like
          this.

          I know one woman who was raped by someone she knew and only had
          red marks on her wrists as evidence.  I think the mental impact
          of some of her friends and most of the police, etc., not
          believing her has had a much greater negative effect on her life
          than the rape itself.  They physical stuff is much easier to heal
          from than the mental stuff anyway.

          The defense lawyers will try to bring out any inconsistencies you
          have in your story while trying to discredit you in any way
          possible.  There may be actual inconsistencies in what you
          remember.  Having some inconsistencies in what you remember is
          actually _very_ consistent (highly correlated) with surviving a
          traumatic experience.  But I don't think juries know this.  And
          any "good" lawyer can make even the truth look inconsistent.

          It's also a good idea to guess at how the defense lawyer will try
          to rattle you.  Think of how based on your circumstances.
          Something along the lines of:
          (potential [slimy] lawyer questions...)

          [to discredit you]
          "How could you remember  [weird detail]  and not  [obvious
          thing]?"
          (if this is the case, and you can't remember something that
          seem's obvious, the DA should work it into their statements that
          this is a classic symptom - auditory exclusion/tunnel vision, etc
          - of someone in a fight-or-flight adrenaline rush situation)

          [to unnerve you]
          "So how did it feel to be strangled?"

          [to upset you]
          "Could you demonstrate to the court how loudly you screamed?"

          [to discredit you]
          "I'll remind you that you are under oath...."
          You respond:
          "I am aware that I am under oath, just as I am aware that you are
          _not_."

          Will probably think of more later.  I haven't had to think about
          this in a while...

                                             nancy b.

          p.s.:

          re: .0  (Steve Lionel)

          > However, the option of responding to the author by mail through
          > the moderator is not available.
                             ---

          Steve, please give her my work number, 508-486-2424.  (DTN 226-)

Another update,  I just spoke with the D.A.'s office and it has been continued 
yet again until the beginning of June.  At that time they will decide if we go 
to the Grand Jury or have a Probable cause Hearing.  It is strange I want it to 
get over with and then again I dread the thought of doing it.

Yesterday I saw him drive by my house slowing as he proceeded....needless to 
say I am a complete basketcase at the moment.  I slept about 2 minutes last 
night and can't seem to hold anything down except water.   Tonight there is no 
way that I a am even staying in the apartment.  I will go to my boyfriends 
(once we make up ;-)  ) or a friends...I need some sleep..   Since this 
happened I have lost 18 pounds and believe me I don't need to.  I'm 5'3" and am 
a whopping 105.

I am looking into counseling they are supposed to be calling me back with some 
info either today or tomorrow.

Thanks again for all your support, it is so nice to know that people who don't 
even know me care.   It is very appreciated!!!

    re.16
    
    Quite nice and decent of you to enter such a fine note.  I've never
    been through such an experience, but if I had, I'd find your note very
    human indeed!
    
    cindy

          re: .17 (anon)

          > At that time they will decide if we go to the Grand Jury or
          > have a Probable cause Hearing.

          Hmm.  I hope you go directly to the Grand Jury, since grand
          juries typically indict exactly as the prosecutors request.

          If it's decided to hold a Probable Cause Hearing first, this
          could mean that the prosecutor is having trouble making an
          airtight case against the defendant.  Which means that it's
          likely the charges against the defendant will be reduced.

          > Yesterday I saw him drive by my house slowing as he
          > proceeded....needless to say I am a complete basketcase at the

          _Not good_.

          If you haven't already, inform the prosecutor immediately of
          this.

          Staying away from your apartment is a good idea. I am glad you
          are taking this seriously.  The person that attacked you has a
          _lot_ to lose by getting convicted.  It's well known that prisons
          don't protect inmates from violence by other inmates; the system
          looks the other way.  Despite what happened to me, there is no
          satisfaction in knowing this.  The violence chain is reinforced.
          I think it's criminal.

          Now is the time to start seriously thinking about your self-
          defense measures that you need in the short and long term.
          (Thinking that someone will be always be around to rescue you is
          a wonderful fairy tale - as you know!.)

          Short term:
          ----------

          This will not stop him from hurting you if he wants to, but try
          to get a restraining order anyway (or is there one in effect?).
          This way, if he gets within x distance from you, he can be jailed
          on that reason alone. But again, if he decides to try to hurt
          you, a restraining order will be worthless.

          See what the DA can offer you in the form of armed protection
          between now and June.  But this is a long shot...

          Does he know where your boyfriend lives?  This is the next
          logical place to look for you.  If so, consider staying at
          another friend's house.

          Do you have training in any kind of self-defense?

                                             nancy b.

          >   I am petrified to go and testify...

          I hope what I have written doesn't worsen that... But I'm
          certainly not going to say "don't be afraid."

          Look at it as partly an opportunity for some healing and closure,
          even though it will be a scary experience.   Take pride in that
          you _might_ beat some heavy odds -- I'm not sure what the odds
          are in kidnapping and A&B/attempted murder, but to put it in
          perspective, the chance of a rapist getting caught and convicted
          is 1 in 605.  You are doing something that not a lot of people
          have the courage to do. Also, you have already beaten the odds in
          just surviving the type of crime you experienced.  I don't recall
          the exact numbers, but female adults that are kidnapped usually
          don't live to talk about it (at a rate much higher than robbery
          or A&B or rape victims.)

          Regardless of the verdict, if you survive this you can survive
          anything.  You will be stronger.

                                                  nancy b.

    Yes.  Since the person she accused is not screaming "mistaken
    identity", I personally feel no qualms about using the uncompromised
    "your assailant".
    
    						Ann B.