Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	re .0 -

>The problem lies 
>(which ultimately caused us to separate) was that I was totally 
>incapable of showing any emotion towards him.  He did try very hard in 
>the beginning and did take many rejections, but eventually he gave up 
>trying.

>I'm the type of person who needs lots of hugs and reassurance, yet I 
>have to feel totally secure in order to return such gestures.

    What you describe sounds like adult symptoms or the "life damaging 
    consequences" of early childhood trauma, or growing up in a
    dysfunctional family. I'd ask, if I were a professional counselor 
    helping you out with this, "what happened to you?" that 
    has caused you to be "incapable of showing any emotion" to a man
    you're with and in need of "total security" in order to do so. 
    
    For example, an uncompromising need for security in adult life is 
    symptomatic of an "abandonment" of some sort in ones childhood.
    
    Since I'm not a professional counselor, I could be all wet with
    this. However, it's something to consider, as you look to understand
    the situation you've described here.
    
    Hope this helps you!
    
    Joe
           

    for those who don't know what "adult symptoms" are, could you expand
    that phrase. (I know it's complementary phrase is NOT 'childlike
    symptoms')
    Has to do with ACOA stuff I imagine (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

    
    	An "adult symptom" is something like "you find that you just
    dont ever seem to have a successful relationship, no matter how hard 
    you try" or "you live your life in such a way that nobody ever really 
    knows you or who you are; what you're all about". I realize these
    are fairly broad descriptions...
    
    	More specific "adult symptoms" are the need for absolute control 
    in all situations, a marked insensitivity to other's needs, being in a 
    state of chronic neediness or chronic pain or chronic sickness all the 
    time, an inability to ask for what you want and to depend on others when 
    it's appropriate, having no idea when it *is* appropriate to depend on 
    someone, having no idea what it *is you even do want*, an inability to 
    recognize feelings like anger, sorrow, or fear that you have or those 
    in another person, an marked intolerance to being exposed to these
    feelings, staying up in your head all the time, obsessing
    on figuring out everything, being an emotional "dry well", trying
    to handle someone's feelings (like "I feel bad") through a logical
    explanation, not feeling secure enough to express a disagreement 
    with someone else, an apparent disorder of the will, an inability
    to discern if another persons expectations are reasonable, having
    no idea of what the things are can be changed and what must be accepted
    in the course of life, specifically re-inacting some long past situation
    over and over and not know why, having no idea where your
    responsibility begins and another person's ends off, agreeing to
    things all the time that you really dont want to do, then manipulating
    your way out of it, repeatedly creating fantasy bonds in relationships 
    and then finding out the person is nothing like you'd hoped, a marked
    inability to have an open mind toward ideas which conflict with
    beliefs that keep you safe (and stuck), having no ability or skills
    to successfully negotiate conflict, etc.
    
    	Hope this helps!
    
    	Joe    

    re .3 thnx much, that's what I thought but could not have said it
    nearly as well. To repeat:
    Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) is an organization/self-help group
    that was set up originally for the grown-up children of Alcoholics; who
    came together in a shared sense of missing important developmental
    influences (sort of akin to ALANON, OR ALATEEN ? etc). 
    It became apparent that there are lots of kinds of dysfunctional
    families that 'nurture' the kind of attributes mentioned in .3. But by
    then the name of the organization had become ACOA and has stuck. To
    reflect more nearly its actual membership the acronym would probably be
    something like ACODF.
    I'm sorry if this is belaboring the point, but it was only about 2
    years ago I learned what ACOA meant after it had confused me for some
    time. I mean OF COURSE i'm an adult. Aren't _we all_. (Well i'm
    actually one of the 'bad' kind of 'adults' too)  	:-)
			    				herb

    re:.0
    You wrote :
    
.0>response and handled the situation with great confidence and success.  
    
.0>(which ultimately caused us to separate) was that I was totally 
.0>incapable of showing any emotion towards him.  He did try very hard in 
    
.0>I'm the type of person who needs lots of hugs and reassurance, yet I 
.0>have to feel totally secure in order to return such gestures.
    
.0>hugged and my ego was getting a serious kicking.
    
    This sounds to me like you have a problem with self-confidence or self-
    assuredness.

    
    Look at what you said, lots of hugs, reassurance, must be secure.
    People who need the emotional support all the time are sometimes
    referred to as "emotional vampires". They need more than any one
    individual can provide and when all the support, reassurance, love and
    emotion comes from one person, that individual becomes drained and they
    eventually give up.
    
    You must try to look at the reasons why you need all these things and
    then maybe you will find your answer. 
    
    Mary
    

    
    
    or it could be that you are just scared.  you might have your
    walls up and do not trust him enough yet to let them down.
    Im an acoa but am very self confident.  I know my abilities
    and honestly believe in myself.  However, when it comes to 
    letting other people in, its tough.  I was raised to be very
    self sufficent and independent.  So the thought of letting
    someone else into my space (be it either in my heart or my
    mind) is frightening.  It takes a long time to break those
    walls down, and it takes a leap of faith too.  But once you've
    broken through, it's great.

Has the author of reply .7 got any suggestions as to how to break down the walls 
around the heart?

I too was raised to be very self sufficient and independent.