Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	B,
    
    	There are so many social and support groups out there.  Perhaps
    	joining a women's group would help you realize that being a 50+
    	year-old woman is a joyous thing.  Just think of the experience
    	and wisdom you have over flighty 20 year-olds!
    
    	It's sometimes easy to allow someone to shatter our self-image.
    	The first step to regain respect and love for what and who you
    	are is to believe in your positiveness and reaffirm all of your
    	good points.  Just from the feel of your writing style, I'd bet
    	you have a lot.
    
    	Take care,
    
    	Carla
    

    (I haven't done well on the sensitivity index lately, but this issue is
    an important one for me...)
    
    I think it's impossible to avoid getting hurt once you've decided to
    start romancing again.  One has to decide whether the chance of hurt is
    worth what one gets by throwing caution to the wind.  I've always ended
    up deciding that it was (although there are times, like now, that the
    hurt is temporarily too dangerous to risk).
    
    I get the impression from your note that you feel a general sterility
    in your life.  Just because this spark of life came from an unhappy
    Relationship doesn't mean that Relationships are the only route to
    human warmth and spontanaity.  Most of the people I know depend heavily
    on friendship and family as well - certainly, that was my impression at
    the H_R party!  Try to meet people in ways that don't involve pressure
    to become a couple.  (This is NOT the same as giving up all idea of
    ever getting "involved" again; just don't stake your entire emotional
    life on that goal.)
    
    Most of all, I think you're right in wanting to reach out again.  You
    may have to live with the pain and frustration for a while yet, but try
    to recognize that it _can_ be lived with.  It doesn't make you a
    monster.  (Maybe cranky sometimes... (: >,)
    
    About the age - Try not to give so much importance to it.  It's just a
    convenient handle for your self-hatred to grab.  Early 50s is not that
    old.  But even if you were in your 70s, age seems like a digression
    from the real issues you're talking about.
    
    A good many of the H_R and FRIENDS noters pride themselves on hugs,
    BTW.  You might get some offers quicker than you think!  (I hope you're
    braver than me in accepting them.)  You might also be surprised by how
    absolutely normally those jetsetting H_R noters look, act, and age. 
    
    All the best,
    Ray

    To find that special someone, you have to be willing to take a chance.
    The fact that this time around it didn't work doesn't mean it will
    always end this way.
    
    How lucky of you to have found someone who made you feel alive!!!
    Even though you've lost that person, at least now you know you
    are capable of loving and being loved.
    
    Prehaps you have to change the parameters around what you're looking
    for. Age doesn't have anything to do with loving, caring, sex, etc.
    ect.. I've known many young people who were very immature when it
    came to those things.
    
    Take a chance, the hurts you feel on the way will all be forgotten
    when you find that special someone.
    
    Nils

    Cultivate friendships.  Even if you never find "that special someone"
    you'll still have friends for companionship and sharing.  Friends can
    give you added security so you're more able to take a few risks, too.

         What she said.  Friends are the best bet.  Most of the romances of 
    life will come to an end, but few real friends will ever leave you.
    
                                        Greg

    Hi,  
    
    I agree with .4.  It isn't the age, but the actions and to some extent
    the image (of course it matters, different to different people).  You
    sound like you licked the 'being elderly problem' once so don't give
    up now.  In my case the big problem was noticing in the first
    place...getting out and fixing it had its low points too of course.
    
    It also sounds like you gained a lot from your most recent
    relationship; 'living' someone else called it above.  Try, try again.
    
    I've dated women from late 20's to early 50's (I'm 46) and am not sure
    that I really have a preference, though I have to admit they were all
    'young and lively' (that's not ...and crazy so to speak).  
    
    As for image:  I recently met a lady in her early forties who reminded
    me of my mother (dress style etc.) which didn't help at all...so even
    though she was interesting, she made me think 70 or?
    
    Join something, take up a sport (yes you can, I did after being a clutz
    for a loong time), etc.  Make's friends well.
    
    Good luck

    Actually, she reminded me of a 'generic mother in her 70's'.  Mine is
    quite active/vital and looks it in manner/style etc (ie the
    adjustables).
    
    Guess I was just easy on her?  

    Don't let the memory of some departed youngster stand in your way -
    go right on and back up 13 years and BE younger and better than ever!
    
    One of the things I did when I was divorced was to pursue my own 
    interests, and satisfy some of my curiosities - these were things
    I rarely did when married.  For example, at one point I wondered how
    to make leather - tanning, and all that.  So, I got some rabbit hides
    from a friend, some reference books, and tanned them myself.  Once you
    start researching something, it's amazing how simple they are.  I also
    learned how to file a mining claim on national forest land, and bought
    some land in a ghost town.  I learned how to camp and hike comfortably
    in the high mountain country, and explored all over Colorado, Wyoming,
    and into Montana.  I learned a LOT of things I never would have pursued 
    while married, because I let my husband hold me back.  Admittedly, I
    got a push from a friend who wanted to pursue the mining issue, but the
    other things I did on my own.  I even put up a chain link fence all by
    myself - and was very proud of the results - though when I started I
    hadn't the faintest idea how to do it.  And started growing roses.
    Oh, I also went back to college.  The mistake I made was to neglect
    keeping friends while running around doing all these things.
    
    But between making friends and pursuing your interests, you can keep
    pretty busy and happy with yourself. 
    
    Don't let what someone else did make you feel old!  Maybe we should
    put in a separate note on what to do to keep feeling young - I could
    sure use some advice on that one!  Any suggestions?
    
    Regards and best wishes,
    Paula

    To the base note author, may I extend an invitation to read in
    womannotes and to come to our parties as well? (mosaic:: or
    rainbo::womannotes-v2). There are a number of women in the over
    40 and over 50 group that frequent the file and come to our parties
    (and men as well) and I'm sure you'd enjoy getting to know us
    as well. (heck I go to  both =wn= and h_r parties :-) ).
    
    Hit the 7 key on your key pad if you want to add womannotes to
    your note book.
    
    Bonnie
    
    p.s. and I'd be more than glad to write to you by e-mail if you'd
    like.

    B
    
    Hopefully it will help you to know that I feel the way you do on a
    daily basis.  And yet I am relatively happy.  I am your age and find
    that the way we do relationships in Singles and introductions that are
    initiated via an electronic communication is the common denominator not
    our ages.
    
    Logically the process should work.  But in reality the getting to know
    an individual happens at such a rapid rate that often times one or
    another of the parties gets overwhelmed with data and can't process the
    whole personality at that speed and has to back or call a halt.
    
    What I try to do is emphasize to the men I meet that the primary
    expectation I have is to develop friendships.  And then I try to curb
    my desire to forge ahead.  I 'try' sometimes with great difficulty to
    hold back and not dump a lot of my past experiences.
    
    And then I look at what I really want in a relationship and find that
    although some of the experiences I have had are disappointing in that I
    would have liked to continue the relationship a little longer then the
    other individual things really weren't right.
    
    When I noticed that a lot of folks younger then us were so casual about
    relationships I was appalled.  A variety of thoughts came to mind and
    my 50's mentality came out.  But I realized if I am going to find that
    one meaningful relationship that I want I am going to have to work at
    it, suffer some pain and keep on trying.
    
    Feel free to send mail...

    There's another conference called FRIENDS (I'm not sure of the node
    name, sorry) that's really great -- they even have a topic called
    "Hugs"!
    
    Age is just a state of mind, I think.  I'm 27 and have friends who
    range from 18 through their 50's.  Some of the most fun people I've
    ever gone out with are the older women in the office.
    
    You'd be surprised at how many older women here in the office who
    are divorced/widowed/separated (and yes, younger ones too!) who
    are lonely and just want to meet people.  I myself was in a similar
    situation, I moved down to DC from MA and I was lonely.  I reached
    out and "made myself" make friends.  Once I started, it was EASY,
    and now I have this network of friends within DEC (and outside too)
    who I can count on always ....
    
    One woman in particular is older and she lamented to me that she
    wanted to meet someone her age to go out and do things with.  I
    happened to know another woman who was in her situation, and
    "re-introduced" them in the smoking area!  The other woman was really
    active, she was involved in a lot of clubs and played bridge, etc.
    By introducing my older friend to this new person (they had already
    met before but never knew they were in a similar situation ...),
    she found that there are many people who have the same problem.
    
    Guess what I'm saying is if you want something, sometimes you have
    to make a real effort to go get it, but it's worth it in the long
    run.
    
    As for your younger man, it doesn't matter about your age, these
    things happen all the time.  It's a matter of accepting the situation,
    and going on with your life.  You learn from every single relationship,
    good or bad.  Start with yourself.  Make peace with yourself.  It
    gets lonely out there with no man to share things with, but the
    happier you are with yourself, the more people are drawn to you.
    Then the good things start happening!
    
    Good luck to you!
    
    Tammi (just-another-outspoken-one!)
    

Well, here it is two days later than my original Base Note and I feel as if I
am a new person writing today.  In essence, I am!!!!!!

With the help and friendship of so many of you, I have been able to stop beating
myself up and start looking at all the positive things that have come out of 
this "failed" relationship.  It has made me realize that there has been, indeed,
much more "success" than "failure" about it.  What a good feeling!  It has
brought me a few wonderful, writing relationships already, and they in them-
selves are bolstering my courage, my feelings of self-esteem and my resolve to
do something about my situation.  I will be attending a "FUNCTION" this
weekend, and am looking forward to it.  There is much good, interesting, fun
and happiness in me, and all I need is to share it with others, and then life
will be much fuller.  

Take a chance?    You betcha!!!!!  Someone out there might even recognize that
I like myself again, and thereby might like me too.  Voila!  A new friend and
then I'll already be less lonely and less alone.

Thanks to all of you.  Watch out world!!!!!  Here I come!!!!!

B

    Dear B,
    
    Way to go!  I'm sure there are times when it won't be easy but
    taking that first step is the most difficult.  Your friends will
    be cheering you on!
    
    I think you'll see that with each new day, it will become a little
    bit easier.
    
    Just remember:  we're here in your corner!!!
    
    Wishing you the best!!
    
    Kris/Krash/K2/ - Time for a new name???
           

    Glad to see you're feeling better!
    
    Paula