| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 855.1 | | WAHOO::LEVESQUE | You've crossed over the river... | Thu Oct 05 1989 13:25 | 30 |
| I don't think that there is any way to force Jr. to deal with his
anger. He will eventually have to deal with or it will consume him, BUT
he is probably to young to realize that. Not knowing what the cause of
the resentment in Jr is, it is difficult to tell you exactly which way
to turn. I guess the first order question is "Do you know exactly what
the cause of the problem is?" A side question is whether Jr himself
knows what the root cause is.
If you aren't sure or think there may be more to the situation than
meets the eye, you'll have to use other methods to fight the problem. I
would think that it may be possible to get some information (if not
downright communication) via the oldest son or perhaps other family
member that Jr is comfortable with. Oftentimes the same words expressed
by a person perceived to be a peer has a better impact than one coming
from an authority figure. Anothe possible avenue if getting information
from the grandparents.
One thing to keep in mind is that despite the fact that Jr is a child,
as a parent you (and your husband) only have limited control over them.
As a teenager, Jr is finding out that your ability to control is
limited by his ability to withstand the consequences of his
disobediance. There was only so much you and he could have done-
suffice it to say that if you did what you could, your ability to
control the outcome met its limit there. In short, there was probably
nothing else you could do. And while your husband may feel the guilt
for the situation, he must make peace with himself and allow his son to
heal his own wounds- or at least accept help in healing their mutual
wounds.
the Doctah
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| 855.2 | Get prof. help. | SALEM::MELANSON | nut at work | Thu Oct 05 1989 18:02 | 11 |
| Have you or your husband thought about professional help here?
It could be if you were involved in couseling the counselor could
get him to come. It sound like there is some very deep rooted
problems with anger that if not dealt with now could be a lot
mor serious later.
Contact a family counselor, it cant hurt..
god bless and good luck.
jim
|
| 855.3 | I'd be *very* careful | SKYLRK::OLSON | Partner in the Almaden Train Wreck | Thu Oct 05 1989 20:15 | 19 |
| Jr isn't responding when spoken to, at grandmother's house?
Observation: rude. Were I granny, I'd throw him out if he exhibited
such rudeness in my house.
Jr is threatening the other minor children of your family?
Observation: unacceptable.
Jr is harboring deep-seated hate, to the point where you suspect he is
throwing bricks through your windows?
Observations: your family is under assault. Whatever the cause,
whatever the guilt, a 16-yr old hateful young man is capable of doing
you real, permanent, lasting damage. You may not be able to salvage
a relationship with Jr, but you owe yourselves defense; don't let him
hurt the rest of you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, however: I
think you should take care of your family first. His needs are second
to yours.
DougO
|
| 855.4 | | SNOC01::MYNOTT | I'll have what she's having | Thu Oct 05 1989 21:52 | 41 |
|
My oldest daughter has given me similar problems to jr. Up until
last weekend, I hadn't seen or spoken to her in two years. She
will be 21 in December.
She not only threatened, but attacked her sister when I was away
on business, and has attacked me on occasion. After two suicide
attempts, she still will not seek help, nor talk to anybody. She
has been like this since she was fourteen.
At first over the weekend, she avoided me, didn't talk to me, and
not until the last day, would actually be in the same room as me.
It hasn't worried me at all. That may sound cold, but she has to
make peace with herself. I have. She too, is living with my parents.
As much as we would like to, we can't live their lives for them.
Nor should we feel guilt.
My ex husband made no moves to see either of his daughters for seven
years, then suddenly was back in their lives. He hasn't made any
contact with the youngest for the past eight years. She has grown
up reasonably normal for a teenager (now 19), is very well adjusted,
intelligent, etc.
Again, this may sound cold, but just cut jr out of your lives for
a while and get on with your own. Unless he seeks help himself,
there really isn't anything you can do. I look at my problem as
the oldest just hasn't learnt the lessons we all learn as we're
growing, it may take her another five years before she sees the
light. There has been progress, but boy, its slow.
The youngest doesn't want to know about, or see her sister, she
finds it real hard to forgive her.
As for your husband, the only way I grew, was to get on with my life,
you don't forget, but you stop dwelling. The longer you relive
those feelings, the worse it gets. You have a life too.
I hope this helps.
...dale
|
| 855.5 | Tough Love | SSDEVO::CHAMPION | Letting Go: The Ultimate Adventure | Thu Oct 05 1989 23:48 | 10 |
| I'll add my support to all the other replies.
You might look into a group/philosophy called "Tough Love".
Drastic action calls for drastic measures.
Hang in there!
Carol
|
| 855.6 | | XANADU::DOUCETTE | | Fri Oct 06 1989 13:18 | 33 |
| Just a few thoughts...
I agree that David seems deeply upset about things. And without
talking to him, I guess it could be about anything. But one
possibility is that he is having difficulty in coping with the
absence of his mother. From other children that I have seen in
similar situations, it doesn't matter how great a homelife is
being provided, that loss still can hurt (even when the absent
parent has absolutely nothing to offer), and some kids can
cope while others cannot.
Do you suppose, perhaps without even knowing it, David is trying
to get the attention of his mother? If this is a possibility,
maybe he should have a chance to get together with her, even live
with her. He may find out that he's not missing what he thinks,
and appreciate the family he has. He may actually get along with
her. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine's son (also at 16).
As far as his behavior, I feel very strongly that he has no right
acting rude in his grandparent's home either. I found with my son
(also 16) that while he thought that his grandparent's and uncle would
harbor him from all the "injustices" of my discipline, he gave me a
hard time. But, I soon let my parents and brother know that, under no
circumstances would they undermine my attempts to discipline my
son. As soon as he knew that we all (parents, grandparents, and
uncle) were united and had the same rules, he cut it out, but fast.
They all have been a help in supporting him, but now make it perfectly
clear to him that they also do not intend to condone poor behavior.
Take care,
Beth
(interpretted - he must behave and treat the rest of the family
with respect).
|
| 855.7 | Sounds familiar? Thanks!! | BOBBY::RANKIN | | Fri Oct 06 1989 13:23 | 31 |
| Thanks to ALL for your thoughts/comments.
I thought I'd better clarify an assumption.
Jr. does NOT live with his grandparents. David would not allow it.
Probably more for his mom's sake then anyone elses. Shes as soft as
melted butter and easily manipulated by most people, so would
have been putty in the hands of this 'street-wise' young man. David's
father is not longer living and his mom would NOT be able to cope with
the hassle of a live-in grandson. Jr. visits her regularly and it's
at these times we 'bump' into him.
In reply to:
.1 Involvement of #1 son would gain us no insight what-so-ever as
he is a non-communicator. Jr. DOES put him up on a pedestal but #1
has his own set of problems and for the most part does NOT involve us.
.4 Cutting Jr. out of our lives is vertually what weve done. YES the
remainder of the family have benefited from it. The remaining boy
(15 years old) no longer has to put up with the bully-boy tactics as
before and has come out of HIS shell. He accepts and occassionally
rejects my love as do MOST teenagers with there 'mom'. David and I
often think that Jr. may have desperately been looking for a mother's
love when I came upon the scene, but was unable to cope with my 'style'
of mothering. I'm definately NOT a soft-touch. (I can see the girls
noding there heads now).
Once again, thanks for your input. Any other thoughts will be welcome.
Vivian
|
| 855.8 | Just to add to the confusion! | BOBBY::RANKIN | | Fri Oct 06 1989 13:42 | 11 |
|
In reply to:
.6 Jr's mother lives in the same neighborhood as granny. She has made
it perfectly clear to the boys she wants NOTHING to do with them.
As I said in the base note, it REALLY is a long complicated story.
The boys have vertually had NO mother since the youngest was a year
old! That is until I came along.
Vivian
|
| 855.9 | Ditto | HENRYY::HASLAM_BA | Creativity Unlimited | Mon Oct 09 1989 20:56 | 9 |
| I must agree with two previous noters who suggested counseling and
Tough Love. I've had to use both in the past with various children.
In my case, one of the children turned out beautifully, and the
others are living elsewhere. Those of us who are left, have a happy,
healthy life. If you want to write me at SLOVAX::HASLAM, I'd be
happy to talk with you further about this.
Best Wishes for you and your family,
Barb
|