Conference quark::human_relations-v1

re. -1

     Geez, society has really done a number on us hasn't it? 

     Why is it that when a relationship ends in divorce it has to be a 
'failure'?  Why can't it be a beautiful loving relationship that ended!
Yes, dear one, I have been married twice, first for 10 years with child.
and the sencond for 7 yrs with no children.  They *both* ended and they
were both very different.  We parted as friends and still are. You can 
survive and go on to love someone else.  It just takes time.  Yes, I did
look inward.....and discovered there is a wonderful loving person in there.
You will also.

     God bless you and please be more gentle to yourself.

     Meredith/Mikki

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like either of 0.'s relationships were
all that great.  the first one was boring, the second one it's working out.

Maybe you *are* doing something wrong? Maybe you are choosing mates who are
wrong for you?  Maybe you are choosing mates who will not work out. (two
different things)  Maybe your style of relating to your mate isn't the best? 
Maybe your mates' style wasn't great.

If your relationship isn't working out, you should give some thought (a *lot* of
thought to what the problem is).  It kind of sounds like .0 avoided thinking
about this the first time and is reluctantly admitting the possibility now.
Almost certain you made at *least* one mistake, even if it was picking your
mate. :-)  That doesn't mean that you can't figure out what the mistake was and
stop doing it.

Jim.

    sounds like time for a family (or individual) counselor ... notes files
    have their limitations...
    
    Marge

    
    
    My question is, what is it you're looking for in a marriage?  Maybe
    things aren't "working out" because you and your spouse aren't working
    *AT* it.  Marriage is not an easy arrangement...  
    
    Maybe you should look inward at what you want from a relationship.
    
    But remembr, it takes 2 people to make a marriage, and it takes
    2 people to break one up too...  

Thanks for these replies to my base note.  They are interesting.
Unfortunately, with the exception of .1, none of them addressed
my original question.

My question was NOT "Why is it that I keep getting divorced?"
That's an important question that I will try to answer for
myself.

Instead, my question was "How did YOU react to YOUR multiple divorces?".

I realize that there are probably relatively few multiple-divorcees
out there, but I was hoping to hear from some of them.  Note .1
was exactly what I was interested in hearing about.

re.-1

   I was very surprised to find that more people out there were multiply 
divorced persons than I thought.   But than how is that different than multiply 
relationships that have ended????  Hopefully, people do have multiply relation-
ships, not at the same time of course,...;^) or maybe at the same time.  What I 
am trying to say here, is- 
   Everybody has a story of some kind (heartbreak/divorce) and life does go on
infact it has been *better* for me than ever.

Best of luck to you, too

Meredith/mikki

    I've never been married, and have obviously never been divorced, but
    I've been through lots of failed relationships that are very similar. 
    I don't think I've invested any less time and energy into my
    relationships than if they were marriages.  
    
    Each one ended with my own personal feeling of lacking self worth, like
    I did something wrong, like I wasn't good enough, like I would never be
    able to find "the right one."  After each bout of depression, I would
    take a good look at myself and my memories and say "well, there was my
    mistake, and I'll know not to make that one again."
    
    I actually got my self to a point where my self worth was as close to
    nil as I could possibly imagine and I did finally have to go through 
    some heavy duty counselling to rebuild my self esteem.   It worked, I'm
    happy to say.
    
    I'm still not married, but I'm a lot happier with who I am and who I
    can ultimately be.  
    
    Both you and I WILL find that special someone, eventually.  The key is
    to not lose faith in yourself!
    
    Carol
    

    
    I think the ending of the first marriage hurt more and felt like more
    of a failure than the second one did because it was unexpected.  My
    first husband just decided he wasn't ready to be married (a little
    late) and that he was missing too much being married (all his friends
    except two were still single).  I came home from work and found him
    gone and a note.
    
    I never felt like a failure when the second marriage ended because
    (here it comes, folks -- I'm going to get flames for this one...) *I*
    didn't do anything EXCEPT everything humanly possible to make the 
    marriage work.  He had/has a problem with alcohol and drugs that he
    couldn't (rather didn't want to) get under control.  So, after putting
    him through 9 treatment facilities, should I feel like a failure??? 
    No, not as far as I'm concerned.  BTW - We had a 1 yr. old boy.
    
    The divorce turned out to be the best thing I did.  I have been seeing
    someone now for about a year and a half - someone who my son loves and
    loves him in return.  Losing his wife and family has also shown my ex
    that as long as his problem goes untreated, he won't have true happiness. 
    So, he has sought help and is now finally learning to become a dad to
    his little boy.  We're better friends today than we ever were.  It's
    not uncommon for us to take a day trip together so our son can have a
    day out with mom *and* dad together (something we never had as husband
    and wife).
    
    I hope this is on the track of what you were looking for.  And, good
    luck to you.
    
    - Beckie

    
    re.1 meredith/mikki!
    you get my vote!
    well said and i agree!!
    rik

Hi..
I have also been married twice and have a child from each marrage.
It is easy to blame yourself for the failures. I do believe that 
I was responcable for a part of my relationships that have failed.
I like to think that it was my choise that was at fault as apposed to
any thing I did or didn't do while in the marrage.
Some things have helped me 'cope' with the guilt and anger and grief
for the loss of the relationships.
After my first divorce I attended a Growing Through Divorce
seminar at a local church.(I am not 'religious' nor advicating it The
seminar was something I saw as a helpful tool to manage/understand
my feelings while attempting to keep my head above depression)

I did learn some things that help me 'grow' from my experiance and will
try to share them and how they affected me.

The seminar validated my feelings. They let me know that what I was 
feeling was normal or typical and help me name some feelings that 
I didn't recognise. THey also descibed other feelings that I may
see in the near furture and decribed some that I had managed to
handle all by myself. They stressed that no two people always 
feel the same way in the same order of succsession. My feelings 
were O.K. 

They talked about situations that I may have found my self in with
my EX or my children. THey set up senarios and offered ways to 
handle them that can impart the least damage on every one involved.
Being open-minded about what is best for the children can lead to
some interesting child-cusody arrangements. THey offered ideas on 
how to share the things that the child should know and what really
wasn't the child's 'business' to know.

They had us write a letter to our ex-spouse and told us to address 
certain topics that have been left up in the air. Like  the
'I hate it when...' and 'I will always miss ....'
This was really helpful to me and I was not the only one crying while 
composing it. I was able to get a lot of things off my chest and 
it cleared the air in my life and allowed me to get on with living
and handleing the important stuff. No the letter was never sent....
It wasn't suppose to be It was the media to vent all the emotions and 
anger and sadness that I couldn't vent any other way.The stuff that I was 
stuffing inside to avoid getting to much to handle at once.

Once I handled the feelings I could get on with the preventative and
the seminar suggested lots of methods of evaluateing and seting up 
goals for MY own future. I looked at things that needed to be handled
and made alist of the things that I had put off doing because 'HE'
didn't or would't want to go or do.
I listed the things that I needed to do to 'handle stuff'.like
set up a bugjet or a shopping routine or a cleaning routine and 
stick to it.
THen I listed the Things I would like to do on a calender and made the
time and funds(if needed) available.

My children and I spent every week-end of Aug, Sep, and Oct in the 
Mountains that year. I looked up old friends and took them and thier kids 
or just their kids and mine to the park, for the jeep rides(Cripple Creek
has FREE jeep rides to the mines of the area during the time that the 
Aspens are turning colors),We drove up Pikes Peak, We hiked on some 
trails and Watched the Search and Resue 'Pretend' to save someone
as they practiced repelling down a gravel incline. We did a lot of 
stuff and in the doing I was able to talk to my children and let them
know they were loved by both of us and 'mommy and daddy' just dont 
get along. 'Why dont you get along?' Well that's between me and
Daddy and not any of your business.

Each child was not with me every week-end as my son's father 
took time to be with him. My daughters father moved away and 
she had not seen him for 2 years(each time she has I have 
arranged it myself) SO each week-end we went to the mountains
with whoever was there at the time.

I eventually set-up in my mind a must list for a man I would
become serious with because I always wanted to be 'married'
and share my children and the experiences of life with someone 
other than my children. I figured that I had been impatient
and chose men that were not ready for relationships and familys.
Eventually they would be but my timing was off. I found some
commondenominators that could be avoided in the future and some
things unique to one or the other relationship that would be avoided 
at all costs.

I would avoid relationships with men who :
	1.Need contant mothering.
	2.Are not self supporting
	3.love me and not my children
	4.love my children but not me
	5.who believe that a womens place is in the home.

Some things that I looked for in men that I might enjoy getting to 
know better were:
	1.How does my dad treat him?
	2.How does he get along with his faimily(brothers,sisters,mom,dad)
	3.what kinds of friends does he have?
	4.How long have they known him?
	5.What do they say about him when he's not around?
	6.How does he treat my children?
	7.How do the children react to him?
	8.How well does he learn things?
          (like how to give a bath to a 9mt old)
	9.How well does he understand the important feelings
	  that I chose to share with him?
          THis was very important because I meet a man finally
	  who would take time to show that he understood my 
	  feelings or why I felt the way that I did.And then
	  help distract me by telling a joke, or suggesting
	  an activity(going for a drive was his favorite 
	  activity to suggest when I was feeling sad or depressed).
	10.Does he read childrens body language? Did he agree or 
	  dis agree about the needfor a step-child to learn to 
	  trust a new authority figure and hold back on the 
	  corpral punishment (another note maybe).
	11.Does he understand and agree with the timeout methods 
	  for behavior modifiaction and fit the conciquence to the 
	  crime.
	12.Are his house rules similar to mine. How do they 
	   differ does he see behavior he doent like. can he 
	   express it to the children. Does he have the do what I
	   say and not as I do mentality?

THe list went on and on. Did I trust right away.


No way......

The men did have to prove themselfs witch is what I think should 
happen befor any one gets married.

While time went on I developed a list of attitudes and vurtues that 
I admired in my friends and went about trying to change the things 
that I had always disliked about myself. Eventually I found more or 
those attitudes and vurtues finding a comfortable home in me(my being)
Like this was where they were supose to be allalong.(This is still
ongoing for me for the rest of my life) For me there is always something
new to learn about me or life or my children..ect....

I do believe that a form of love is a desition and has responcibillity
involved in it then there is the unconditional love that nomatter
what has happen will always be there.Yes I still love my ex's.
Love is like that. I have also learned that I love me and my children
enough to get out of a BAD situation and create a better one for us
because my responcibilities lie with my children and I know that love 
in one form oranother will be a part of my life. 

When I attemted to cut myself off from loving people I found myself
growing away from my oldest child(the one that was most difficult to
love because of her own experiences with my last marrage).
When I 'saw' this I HAD to keep in touch with people. There will be 
people around you who do understand or will want to try. Take the time 
to find them. THey may not be people you know yet but they are there.
You have time... so take it... dont cut yourself off from your children.
Use the most gental and loving voice and manners when you set up or make 
arrangements for custody or visitation. Eventually with contant reminders 
that you want what is best for everyone and expecitally the children.It
does sink in(after time... for me it was a year of beeing tested befor
he would trust me to keep my word about an  arrangement now if there is 
problem I do not hesitate to call about it. Last year I would go out of 
my way to be sure that every thing was ready on time the way he would 
expect it....He has learned to be more flexable and I have learned to 
be more structured) A friend I know took a year to iron out an agreement
    before they took it befor a judge.
    

You know It really is bad for your body and emotional growth to internalize
your feelings about the divorces for any lenght of time...OK for a while
but not for the long run. I learned to control things while my children
where around. And blow-up, cry, scream or write when the children where
away(they would visit Grandma and Grandpa every once and a while or 
spend the night with a friend)

Some times feelings are so overwhelming about something...i.e.


I was real sensitive about my new space. I would not invite my ex into 
my home. I would drop off my son or have him picked up a daycare on
Friday and dropped off at daycare on monday. I am not nearly as sensitive
now even though we still use the Daycare as the 'nuetral zone'.
We were able to do this because of a very sensitive Provider. She 
remains the advocote of the best interests for my son and will 
not take anyones side but his. With this 'third party' we have 
managed to avoid lots of angry confruntations...We did agree to 
agree that we both love our son and truly want what is best for him.
Altenating week long visitations became every other week-end and 
and one day a week when It looked like my son was not adjusting well.
Soon he may start the every other week long visits again. He seems 
more secure now.

Getting back to being sensitive I just explained that right now I 
felt this way about this problem.

I have learned to define what I really want in words.
I have learned to communicate what I want in a loving way.(always loving
no matter who you are talking to).
I will stand up for what I believe is best for my child.
I learned what my rights were and I listened to my child as we
met people and found out how they felt about them.

Hold up your head because you have everything to be proud of.
Mistakes are just mistakes the only failure is not learning
from them and you can always learn something from them.
How much you chose to learn is a choise and not a failure.
I repeat  NOT A FAILURE. 

I would like to share my happiness..I am getting married Sept
16 to a very understanding man who has managed to 'pass the test'
Because he choose me to spent the rest of his life with I guess I 
passed the test too. If you find you would like reading material
on Growing Though Divorce or a listening and understanding ear
Give me a message on the tube. I do hope my experience does
help you see the light at the end of the tunnel..

I just remembered ....DONT HESETATE TO GET PROFFESSIONAL HELP.....

I was realy depressed
 	1.Post-pardem depression(stopped nursing when I moved us out
	  and my son was 6 mts old.
	2.My mother had been diognosed with a genetic disease just
	  one month after I moved out.
	3.I realy wanted to make the marrage work and he 'never
	  realy loved' me.
	4.I was having problems getting along with people at work
	  and was trying to change that around.
A friend suggested that I go see someone.... I listened and was very glad
I did. Sometimes our friends see stuff we can't. I didn't realise that I 
was depressed(crying every day after work befor I picked up the kids was
no hint to me) The counselor verified that I was depressed and we worked 
together to handle that so I could handle the other things I wanted/nedded
to. In hind sight I could have gone down a short path to distruction I was
very close to the edge. In the long run if you trust them then try to 
checkout what they tell you with a professial. If they are wrong you are
only out the time it takes to go to the EAP. If they are right then you
are looking at an easier path to recovery.(when you are depressed then it 
is only more difficult to recover NOT impossible. Recovering is always 
difficult and it is ALWAYS possible)


     janet

re.-9   Well, thanks Rik, I appreciate that.  

        I have to admit there are some of your replies I have definetly
enjoyed as well.  They seem to 'wake-me right up' as I am strolling thru
notes...:^)

       Meredith or Mikki or mermik...8^)

    You have, perhaps unwittingly, revealed in your base note what
    could/should be your source of strength and good feelings if/when
    you end this marriage.  You said you married "against your better
    judgement".  Let this marriage teach you that you shouldn't do anything
    against your better judgement ever again.  To thine own self be
    true.  Learn that and you will be far ahead of many people who spend
    all their lives doing things for all the wrong reasons - someone
    else's reasons.  I think you're in a much better position here than
    someone who married fully freely, expecting total happiness.  Going
    into the marriage as you did, the dissolution can seem more or less
    inevitable rather than a "failure".  If you "failed" at all, you
    did so in the beginning and not in the end.

    
I finally found the book and one handout from the Divorce Recovery Workshop
(I had the name wrong). The book is called 'Growing Through Divorce'
and is written by Jim Smoke. I could not find all the handouts but I am
glad I found these(last Saturday I hauled THREE truck loads of 'STUFF'
to my newly rented storage room and this stuff could have easily been in
storage not to be looked at till after the wedding).

I will list the chapters titles and the subject subtitles.For the lists 
that could be of interest to the casual reader I will make them as complete
as possible.I also have a list of other reading material that
is available on this subject. I will put this in as a separate note.

I realize that this book could be considered offensive to some due to it
leaning heavily towards Christianity. I still highly recommend the book
because I looked over its references to 'putting Christ in your life'
and found the book still had valuable information about handling feelings 
and situations and talking to your children.

Reprinted without permission.
Growing Through Divorce

	1.  Is This Really Happening to Me?
		Shock - Stage One
		What About Hope?
		Adjustment - Stage Two
		Positive Mourning
		Negative Mourning
		Assembling the Pieces
		Growth - Stage Three

	2.  Letting Go
		Mental
		Social
		Physical
		Spiritual
		A New Identity
		Keys to Accepting A New Identity
		How Long Does It Take?

	3.  Getting the Ex-Spouse in Focus
		Seven Basic Causes of Divorce
		Growth Guidelines for Getting Ex-Spouse in Focus
		1.Take the detachment one day at a time
		2.Try to make the break as clean a possible
		3.Quit accepting responsibility for the ex-spouse
		4.Don't let your children intimidate you.
		5.Don't get trapped in your "child" state.

	4.  Assuming Responsibilities for Myself
		'Will someone out there please make me happy?'
		1.I assume responsibility for my part of the failure
		  of my marriage.
		2.I assume responsibility for my present situation.
		3.I assume responsibility for my future.
		4.I assume responsibility for Myself.

	5.  Assuming Responsibilities for my Children
		Single Parent Problems
		 'Where are you when I need you'
		 'I don't get any respect'
		 'Help, I'm a prisoner'
		Guidelines for successful Single Parenting
		 1.Don't try to be both parents to your children
	 	 2.Don't force your children into playing the role of the
		   departed parent.
		 3.Be the parent you are.
		 4.Be honest with your children.
		 5.Don't put your ex-spouse down in front of your children.
		 6.Don't make your children undercover agents who report
		   on the other parent's current activities.
		 7.The children of divorce need both a mother and a father.
		 8.Don't become a "Disneyland Daddy" or a "Magic Mountain
		   Mommy"
		 9.Share your dating life and social interests with your 
		   children.
		10.Help your children keep the good memories of your past
		   marriage alive.
		11.Work out a management and existence structure for your 
		   children with your ex-spouse.
		12.If possible, Try not to disrupt the many areas in your
		   children's lives that offer them safety and security.
		13.If your child does not resume normal development and 
		   growth in his life within a year of the divorce, he may
		   need the special care and help of a professional counselor.

	6.  Assuming Responsibility for my Future
	 	Plan Ahead....you have to live there!
		YES You Have a Future
		You Can Fly But That Cocoon Has To Go!
		Setting Realistic Goals For Yourself
		1.Evaluate present Situation
		2.Explore New and Potential Situations
		3.Establish Short Term and Long Term Goals.
		4.Don't Be Afraid of Commitments
		5.Trust God With Your Future

	7.  Finding a Family
		Having a family means you belong to someone
		The Family you were born into
		The Family That you married into
		God's Family

	8.  Finding and Experiencing Forgiveness
		"I'm not perfect, just forgiven"
		Forgiveness Gets The Hate Out
		God Forgives Me
		I Forgive Me
		I Forgive My Ex-Spouse
		My Ex-Spouse Forgives Me
		Forgiving and Forgetting

	9.  Thirty-Seven Going On Seventeen
		"I resent ....having to act, think and date like
		 a seventeen year old again."
		Building a New Relationship... The Fears
		1.Can I be sure it will last this time?
		2.Can I ever trust another man or woman again?
		3.Will I make the same mistakes again?
		4.Can I be happy if I marry again?
		5.What if I don't find someone?
		6.Will I feel confident and sure enough to begin dating?
		Building A New Relationship... The Cautions
		1.Have I learned Anything about ME through me divorce?
		2.Has enough time elapsed to let the dust settle?
		3.Am I building healthy relationships?
		4.How much of my past marriage am I dragging into my new 
		  relationship?
		Building a New Relationship... The Trusts
		1.With my trust in God and with his help,I can begin again?
		2.With the help of God, I can learn to love and trust in new
		  ways.
		3.I will trust that God is doing a new work in my life and
		  will continue to do it. If and when I remarry, it will be 
		  the richest experience of my life.**I really believe in
		  positive thinking.**

       10.  Remarriage-Yours, Mine and Maybe Our Families
		Post Remarriage Considerations
		Who Should You Be Loyal To?
		How To Win With Stepchildren
		How To Adjust To Different Life-Styles
		How To Treat Your Spouse's Ex-Mate
		How To Relate to in-laws, Outlaws and Other Friends
		How To Grow Together

       11.  How I've Grown Thru My Divorce
		Personal Experiences

       12.  How I've Grown in My Remarriage
		Personal Experiences

       13.  How to Keep the Scales of Justice from Tilting
   		Why DO I Need An Attorney
		Where Do You Find A Good Attorney?
		Some Helpful Hints From an Attorney** the author, Jim Smoke
		consulted an attorney and he provided the following list:**

		1.Exhaust all reasonable joint efforts in seeking
		  competent family counseling before seeking divorce
		  a)Singular efforts of one spouse seldom results in 
		    joint insight into the problems and solutions that 
		    can keep a marriage together.
		  b)Carefully select a counselor through trusted sources of 
		    referral or recommendation.
		  c)Approach all counseling with an open mind. At worst
		    you might get a new look at "the real you"

		2.If there is a basis to believe one party will abscond with
		  or dissipate liquid assets(joint band accounts, ect.),
		  freeze these assets(by removal to singular bank accounts,ect.)
		  a) This is not considered improper.  Such action simply 
		     preserves the estate for future disposition(payment of
	             depts, equal division of community property, attorney
		     fees,ect.)
		  b) No unfair advantage is gained. The court can require you
		     to account for these assets at a later date, which you
		     you should be able and willing to do.

		3.Avoid the "Do It Yourself" divorce(now called dissolution in
		  California)unless there is little or no assets and no issues
		  of child or spousal support(alimony)

		4.Discussions of settlements with your spouse's attorney
		  may be acceptable, but NEVER enter into any final agreement
		  until you at least consult with counsel of your own choosing
		  a)Conserving Attorney's fees is commendable but not at the
		    cost of your unending regret.
		  b)Do not be lulled into the belief that one attorney can
		    represent both parties. If in doubt, ask the attorney
		    who his client really is.

		5.If litigations ensues, select your attorney carefully.
		  a)Again, seek your attorney through a trusted source of
		    referral. Changing horsed in mid-stream can be expensive.

		6.Personally evaluate your attorney(Oh yes you can!)
		  a)Ask him/her pointed question(evaluate the directness and 
		    logic of his answers):
		     -length of time in practice
		     -experience in the field of domestic relations
		     -Anticipated fees and costs
		     -How s/he intends to approach his/her task
		  b)Do not always expect concrete definitive answers at the
		    first conference as they are seldom possible. In fact, be
  		    wary of "guarantees."
		  c)Have a firm understanding with him? Do you feel you 
		    have a rapport?

		7.Have a firm understanding with your attorney as to his fees
		  from the outset.
		  a)It is your right to know. (When was the last time you made
		    a major purchase without first asking the price?)
		  b)Beware the attorney that is resentful to questions about
		    his fees. (You can't afford him in more ways that you
	            know.)

		8.Feel free at all times to frankly discuss the problems and 
		  to ask questions of your attorney.
	          a)Don't complain about not getting answers if you never
		    asked.
		  b)Never lie to your attorney(of Doctor or Minister).
		  c)Listen and act on his advise. That's what you are paying
	            for.

		9.Communicate your fears and desires to your attorney.
		  a)Although results cannot be quaranteed, it is only in 
		    this fashion that your attorney can attempt to get the 
		    desired results in the end.

	       10.Live with the results. Vindictiveness leads to destruction.
		  Learn from yesterday and prepare for tomorrow.

		**The Author(Jim Smoke) has some additional practical things to 
		  add to the list.**
		
		1.Remember that legal proceedings take time. Courts have
		great backlogs of cases. Yours is not he only one before
		them. Many divorce proceedings can go on for several years,
		depending upon the involvements.

		2.Don't call your lawyer every day about the irrelevelant
		and mundane things that you are going through. His work is
		legal. A good counselor of therapist can help you in the 
		non-legal things.

		3.DON'T sign any papers or make any agreements with an
		ex_spouse without consulting your lawyer.

		4.Let your lawyer speak for you in legal matters.

		5.Remember that in the heat of the personal emotional
		conflict in divorce, the coolest head on your side may be
		your attorney. Listen to his wisdom and clear thinking.

		6.Divorce laws is our country are changing rapidly. They 
		vary from state to state.Don't assume that something you
		heard from another state is true in yours.

		7.Don't take legal advice from your friends who have gone 
		through a divorce. Every situation is unique in itself and
		there are too many variable to assume that you can do what 
		someone else did or that your end results will be the same
		as theirs

       14.  How to Help Others Grow Through Divorce
		Don't Judge
		Listen With Love And Understanding
		Be Supportive in Any Way You Can
		Give Direction Where You Can
		Refer People To Available Resources

       15.  Growing Though Divorce-A Summary

		A SUMMARY
	YOU CAN GO THROUGH IT .......OR GROW THROUGH IT!

	This is the thought that we have been sharing with you
	throughout this book. You can become a battered, bruised and
	bitter statistic like so many thousands of divorced persons
	today, or you can let your divorce be a growth producing 
	experience in your life. You can use it to build a better
	YOU and a better life for you.
	
	We have not intimated anywhere in this book that divorce is
	an easy process and to be treated lightly. It is a hard,cold
	emotion wrenching experience that can devastate a human
	being. It is probably one of the least understood and most 
	ignored social problems of our time. Little understanding and
	less help is available to those caught in divorce.
	
	We have shared in these pages some practical insights and 
	quidelines that can help you turn your divorce into a growth
	experience. We have offered not easy solutions, not magical
	cures, not philosophizing. We have said that divorce hurts and 
	it does. It takes time and hard work to heal the hurts. There
	will be some days when you will feel so low that you will have 
	to reach up to touch bottom. There will be other days when you
	will feel the battle is won. You will have good days and bad 
	days.

	**Well this concludes the exerpts from the book "Growing 
	Through Divorce"
	

    
    
These are tittles of other books on divorce(not a complete list by
any means).


Addeo, Edmond and Burger, Robert.  'Inside Divorce',Chilton,1975

Baer, Jean. 'The Second Wife',Doubleday

Becker, Russell J. 'When Marriage Ends',Fortress Press,1971

Bernard, Jesse. 'Remarriage: A Study of Marriage',Russell & Russell,
1956

Bohannon, Paul. 'Divorce and After',Doubleday

Champagne, Marian. 'Facing Life Alone',Bobbs Merril

Edwards, Marie and Hoover,Eleanor. 'The Challenge of Being Single',
Hawthorne-Tarch,1974

Egleson, Janet and Jim, 'Parents Without Partners',E.O.Dutton,1961

Epstein, Joseph. 'Divorced in America',E.P.Dutton,1974

Fisher,Esther. 'Divorce, The New Freedom', Harper & Row

Gardner, Richard A. 'The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce',
Bantam,1970

Gettlemen, Susan & Markowitz, Janet. 'The Courage to Divorce',
Ballantine,1974

Hallett, Kathryn. 'People in Crisis',Celestial Arts,1974

Hope, Carol and Young, Nancy. 'Momma:The Sourcebook for Single
Mothers',Plume Books,1976

Hosier, Helen. 'The Other Side of Divorce', Hawthorne, 1975

Hudson, R.Loften. 'Till Divorce Do Us Part',Nelson Press, 1973

Drantzler, Mel. 'Creative Divorce',M. Evan & Co.,1973

Maddox, Brenda. 'The Half Parent, M. Evans & Co.,1975

Small, Dwight. 'The Right To Remarry,Revel,1975

Weiss, Robert S. 'Loneliness',M.I.T.Press,1973

Weiss, Robert S. 'Marital Separation',Basic Books,1976

I also saw a list somewere that has lots of books listed about 
Divorce that are directed at telling children about divorce in a 
gental, loving and direct way. You may be able to get a list from 
the library or the closest Childrens educational Toy Store.
In Colorado Springs that Would be The Learning Ladder or
The Clever Camel.
I have found that the books are good starting points for
discussions with my kids.

This is the worksheet that was provided the sixth Week of Workshop 
mentioned in a previous note. I found it in my Journal I guess I wasn't
finished writing it yet.
In writing the list I have found that They stressed certain words. What I 
remember happening was all the chairs in the room were spread apart, to give 
as much privacy as possible in a room with 150 people. (Yes this workshop
is very popular expecialy with Divorce people who want to meet other 
singles...Is a lot safer that Bar Hopping) Then a woman with a soft
voise, like the ones on the meditations tapes I have listened to, gently
and slowly gave direction about how to write the letter pausing after each
direction(she read the worksheet below) The way she stressed the words that 
will be Caps in the text was with a 'dramatic pause' not with a shout.
The title is Caps because that's the way they wrote it. 


Reprinted without permission
*******************************************************************************


						Week 6


		DIVORCE RECOVERY WORKSHOP      
	      Directed Letter To Ex-Spouse

Greet your ex-spouse

Tell him/her what you are feeling at this moment
	-how you feel about even writing this letter.

Remembering that this is an opportunity for you to be totally open
and honest about your thoughts, feelings, etc., with your ex-spouse, 
tell him/her about:

	-What some of the POSITIVE MEMORIES are of him/her, your marriage,
	 your family, befor the divorce

	-If thier are none, tell him/her about this and how you feel
	 about that

	-Now tell him/her some of the NEGATIVE MEMORIES you have....and
	 how you FELT about those

	-What you MISS THE MOST about his/her not being there anymore.

	-What PAINFUL PARTS of your relationship you are glad are not 
	 a part of you life anymore.

	-What you are ANGRY about concerning him/her

	-What fears you have as a result of this divorce
	
	-What you admit to not as your fault -- you responsibility
	 in the break down of the relationship (guilt)

	-If you have accepted the fact that your marriage is over, and this
 	 divorce is final.  If not, what's keeping you from doing so?

	-What you find so very hard to "let go of" concerning your
	 ex-spouse(love,sex,financial security, emotional dependence,
	 fear of the future....)

	-What you wish he/she would do to make this transition easier for you,
	 your children

	-What DICISIONS you are going to have to make on HOW you're going to 
	 live apart from him/her
	
	-What you know you need to be able to DO  now to go on living
	 (to choose LIFE).

	-If you are ready to forgive your ex-spouse or ask for forgiveness
	 for your part in the marrage failure, please do so now.

	-If not, what are you waiting for?


Obviously this is only a partial outline of issues you may wish to address 
with your ex-spouse.  You fill in the rest as appropriate!
*******************************************************************************