Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I'll start...
    
    	I've found that my "holiday blues" usually result from
    my over-expectations of what the season should be.  Nothing
    should have changed since I was a child, etc.  
    
    	I try to have a stern talk with myself and say "here now,
    you're older now and Christmas is a time of sharing and love...
    the format changes, but the spirit is the same."  Sometimes
    it works, sometimes nostalgia takes over and it doesn't.
    
    Marge
    

    I usually try to take time out from all the holiday goingasfastasyoucan
    to sit and remember why we have this season.  To remember the REAL
    reason behind the whole season, and reflect on what that means to
    me...
    
    It also helps to resort to "some" childrens song, to help bring
    back the real reason.... One of the ones I like is by Ernie Rettina,
    and Debby Kerner, Called:
    
    			CHRISTMAS IS A TIME TO LOVE
    
		Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time
    		Christmas is a time to love
    		Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time
    		Christmas is a time to love
    
    		We often start to worry
		and people get upset 
		If things don't go right on
		       Christmas day
    		What we should remember
    		In all that push and shove
    		Is Christmas is a time to love
    
    		Maybe things don't sound right
		Or look the way they should
  		And maybe not they're not perfectly
    			in tune
    		It really doesn't matter
    		Lets keep our eyes above
    		Because Christmas is a time to love
    
 
    Anyway, I try to just stop, slow down, and remember... its also
    nice to go out at night, and look at all the houses and lights,
    maybe share it with a small child...If you don't have one of your
    own, or know of one, call Big Brothers or Big Sisters, and "adopt"
    one for a weekend for a month, (what nicer present can there
    be to a child?)...
    
    If all else fails, I go home! [which I'm doing this month :-)]...
    
    Usually stopping and realizing why we have the season helps for
    me though...
    
    Seasons Greetings to you all...
    
    Gale


    

    work

         Since I have no good friends, am not close to my family and
    have not had someone special in years, I go into hiding around
    Thanksgiving, and don't come out until after New Years. I avoid
    watching any of the TV network holiday drivel or anything that
    reminds me that I'm a loser at holiday time. Also stock up on
    lotsa booze. 
    
    Bah Humbug
    

    
    You know this is one of the saddest notes I've seen!
    
    Cal.
    

    Christmas has never been the same since my first year in college.
    All the students are worrying over finals and then have to buy gifts
    at the same time.
    
    It's the Christmas spirit that really counts.  Although I will never
    feel the same as I did when I was a child, I find joy in all the
    little things I see people do to keep the spirit alive such as putting
    up decorations, being extra cheerful, and giving to the needy. 
    In this time and society of violence and discord for about a month
    it's nice to see other people thinking of others.
    
    				--Dave

|< Note 169.6 by FDCV13::CALCAGNI "A.F.F.A." >
|    
|    You know this is one of the saddest notes I've seen!
    
Why, Cal? 
 What is sad (to me) is that convention (society, if you will) demands that
people get into "the holiday spirit" and "have a good time". If you can't
(for whatever reason) then you are viewed as a failure and are often 
castigated by those around you as being "Scroogelike". 
 Certainly, I have a problem with the forced gaiety at this time of year,
especially when viewed in the context of the misery that abounds for the 
rest of the year.

 As how I cope. One thing I never do (if I'm feeling at all 'down') is watch
TV Christmas Specials. It's like drowning in warm syrup to watch all these 
people having a better time than you'll ever know. It's occasionally worth
checking in, just to see how Perry Como looks this year(!).

		Nigel

    
    I get together with my friends and we have a great time.
    
    That usually makes me feel better.
    
    PC

    RE .4 concur
    
    I feel the holidays of this time of year are a time to be 
    close to those that are special to you. Be it your SO, kids 
    or family. I currently have none of these (have family but they
    are scattered six different ways and we were never close to begin
    with). Since it becomes depressing to see all the happy people
    (when there is no one special Iam with) I generally tend to avoid
    holiday stuff so I dont get reminded. You treat them as another
    day sept you dont have to get up to go to work.
    
    Ya Cal this is a sad note , as a reflection I spent Christmas
    67 on a tin can off the coast of Nam and we didn't even have a
    bottle of huch to ease the loneliness. Depressing to say the least.
    
    If and when someone brings the light of caring into my life Ill
    probably make the transition such as Scrooge at the end of the 
    story, but in the meanwhile its Bah Humbug
    
                                 Bob B      

    Cal is right, this is such a sad note and holiday season shouldn't
    be sad.  
    
    Whenever I feel blue, I think of people who really have a lot to
    be sad about...the terminally ill, the homeless....I thank my lucky
    stars that my problems are all little and can be resolved.
    
    So I think at this time of year we should try to think of the
    other person and not put so much emphasis on our small problems.
    Enjoy yourself NOW...I know it's an old cliche', but "things could
    be worse".  
    
    And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
    
               

    
    	I've been waiting for someone to say they don't have a 
    problem with "Holiday Blues" -- -- am I the only lucky one
    who doesn't experience a problem with lonliness at the 
    holidays??  
    
    	I spent Christmas alone several times and enjoyed going out
    to eat and the expressions on peoples faces as they felt "sorry"
    for a lady out eating on Christmas alone!  
    
    	To me, being lonely/depressed is a state brought on by 
    one's self and as Jim said there are plenty of things to do to 
    combat the lonliness.  I don't have close family other than my 
    daughters who will be in Texas this year (I'm in Georgia) but 
    I don't mind as their dad has his rights too!  
    
    	Myra  
    
    

    Hey Myra, read .12.  You aren't the only one who isn't sad or blue.
    
    Toodles,
    	-Dotti

    Holiday blues are as much a fact of life as post-partum blues
    are to new mothers...
    
    The question is how, constructively, to deal with them?
    
    Marge
    

Those of you who say that you have no one to share the holiday with...
Having/Finding someone to share the holiday with must be too difficult for you
to do, or is it that you're not willing to make the effort necesary? 

Even if I had no SO, I know that there are friends that I could go and spend the
holiday with, volunteer organizations who would be glad of my help. How about
playing Santa Claus, dressing up and walking around giving gifts to random
people?  

If you have noone, is it because you are not getting anything, or because you
have nothing to give?  Which is more important?

I do not choose to make a big commercial deal of Christmas, but I will not be a
humbug.  I celebrate Christmas in a quiet way, I will get to see my son, and I
will have fun!

In any case, if you are depressed, at Christmas, or other times, think of the
many things that you want in your life for happiness.  Then, do *something*
towards getting for yourself one of the things that you want.  Anything will do.
The important thing is to *do* *something*, and be open to recieving the things
that you wish.  Have a positive attitude, and a couple more things will
'fortuitously' come your way, by 'coincidence'.

I was quite depressed Tuesday, so I attempted to call a person I had been trying
for a long time to reach, and she was there, talked for a long time, felt much
better.  Went dancing that night, and had the best time, met a nice women and
arranged to see her again. etc...

All it takes is 1 positive action, and 1 positive attitude... 

Jim. 

    The only thing that gets to me at this time of year is the insistance,
    by some people/institutions, that you MUST celebrate SOME holiday
    in December.  If you don't, they try to convince you that you should
    because you are really missing something by "not being in the spirit"
    of the season.  If they can't convince you, they either pity you or
    can't deal with you.  Christmas doesn't depress me, it leaves me
    neutral.  I've never celebrated it, and probably never will.  However
    I DO get a few days off, which is quite nice, and the lights are
    sure pretty.
    
    --Louise

    re. 19
    
    Sorry, Marge, but I beg to differ.  I don't have holiday blues,
    yet I did have post-partum blues!
    
    Toodles,
    	-Dotti.

Re .21 and others,

	Give me a break. The question is how best to deal with 
the holidays blues. Telling somebody they should be up when they
are down is not going to change things. I personally don't get excited
about the holidays. I enjoy the time spent with family but other than 
that my feeling is that a holiday is just another day. Things will never
be the same as they were when I was a kid. There are thousands of people
that get depressed at the holidays. Perhaps it's because they remember
the times that used to be, and times that will never be again. If holidays
make you happy then that's great but don't get down on people if they
don't feel the same way.
	As for how I deal with it, I treat holidays like any other day. I
try to ignore the goings on and avoid holiday (yuck) tv shows. The only
difference is that you don't get mail and the stores are closed.

Bahama Mama
    

    
    
    	I spend some money (that I really don't have.. :-)) on myself.
    
    	Actually, this holiday season is the exception. New Years Eve
    	I have my choice of over 3 different places to be that I can
    	enjoy the company of friends. Christmas will be over Moms
    	(seeing as how I'm gonna be living there starting next week)
    	and the rest of the weekend will probably be whatever I feel
    	like doing.. I suspect this to be the best Christmas in a while.
    	(The best was 1982. That was the last one we had before my Dad
    	died. It was sooooo special..)  I've had my share of shitty
    	holidays.. Screw it, I'm enjoying myself this year even if
    	it kills me!!
    
    	I hope this helps change the bummer attitude in this topic..
    	Talking depression breeds depression. Talking positive
    	attitude breeds a positive attitude..
    
    							mike

    
    
    How do you deal with the holiday blues?
    
    You get on a plane and go see the person that means so much to you!
    I'm gonna and I'm gonna have a super holiday!!
    
    later, gailann
    
    

    re:  .27
    
    So sorry, Marge, almost wish I did have the holiday blues.
    
    But I was speaking for MYSELF, and MY being happy this holiday season.
    
    So there...
    
    :) Dotti :)
    

    
    I think a big step toward beating the holiday blues is trying
    to forget it's the holidays.
    
    Admittedly, this is not an easy task.  Between the media barrage,
    the efforts of merchants, and all those around you going around
    with "Season's Greetings" on their lips, it can be almost impossible
    to forget about.
    
    It also helps if you know your adversary a little.  Is there a
    particular reason for being down in the dumps?  People don't get
    depressed on the holecause the Earth passes through some weird
    radiation at this time every year.
    
    Also, you might try doing something that pleases you, even if it
    isn't in the festive spirit, or something one normally does in this
    season.
    
    I wish I could be more help, Marge, but I sort of have to guess,
    here.  Maybe if you see something in the above you might pursue
    it further.
    
    DFW

Foo!

If you say that the holidays will never be the same again, then they never
*will* be the same again!  I disagree!  You *can* make the holidays "as good as
the old days"; if not for yourself, then for someone else, and enjoy their joy!

I think everyone with kids knows this.  Even if you are 'too old for Christmas',
you get to enjoy your kids enjoyment of Christmas!

Jim. 

    Re .31:
    
    Not everyone with kids gets to enjoy their kids' enjoyment of
    Christmas.  I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that I
    won't be with my son on Christmas morning, doing the traditional
    gift opening that we've done in years past.  Sure, I'll see him
    on another day and we'll pretend it's the same, but is it really?
    
    This year I'll be starting over - the traditions from the past
    ten years irreparably broken.  It may take a few years before I
    get back into the holidays.
    					Steve

    re: .31
    
    Even if not for the kids, some of us have aging parents who no longer
    can do for the crowds; so we can do for our parents; sister(s) ..
    whatever. Sometimes a few organizations can use a little help
    (My Fathers House, Rosies Place, Salvation Army, 'other' Churches,
   the Soup Kitchen, etc.).
    
    For still others,its going to be bummer, and there's no sense in
    pretending it won't be.
    
    I'll have the Christmas "I never had before", for the second year
    in a row.
    
    Christmas tree, dinner at my house, a fire in the fireplace, squalling
    people, gift wrappings, and friends. With a little luck, maybe even
    some fresh snow for that 'final touch'.

    Bob
    

         <<< QUARK::DISK$MISC:[NOTES$LIBRARY]HUMAN_RELATIONS.NOTE;1 >>>
                         -< Humanity - what a concept >-
================================================================================
Note 175.0                        May I help?                         No replies
USMRW3::THOMSON                                      22 lines  11-DEC-1986 15:55
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oooopppssss
    
    Hi Marge, and everybody:
    
      I sure can relate to this topic. This year I'm going to meet my
      depression about holidays head on. So here goes...I am willing
      send all of you good cheer and electronic hugs as necessary. If
      a personal hug is needed or wanted and you don't live or work
      to far from me I'll come and give you a hug...and maybe a 
      cookie. Hugs always help me cope...
    
      I would also like to go sledding this year...so I any of you are
      interested let me know..By the way...I live in Fitchburg Mass,
      and work in Westboro... Just send me mail if you want electronic
      hug or one delivered in person in the immediate area of home or
      work...If interested in sledding..let me know
    
      We can fight the blues togeather if necessary so call me if you
      want some help...
    
                                                      Maggie
    
                                                      DTN:268-3484 or
                                                          292-2225

    the very concept of holiday blues is a business development program
    for people that sell things that "cure" them.

Steve,

Right now, I don't know that I will be seeing my son Christmas morning or not,
but I know I will see him, and we will enjoy being together.  For that I am
extremely gratefull.  Thank God for what you *do* have... 

Sledding/Tobogganing sounds like loads of fun!  I will not be here for Christmas
weekend itself, but otherwise it would be lots of fun...

Jim. 

	Every year I go thru a list of people I haven't seen or 
	heard from for a while and call them on the phone.  Old 
	pals from college, friends who moved away, relatives, etc.  
	Even if its "their turn" to call you or has been "their turn" 
	the last 3 times. It's still the next best thing to being 
	there (until DEC develops the Digital 3-Dimensional Projector 
	Phone)....

	Happy holidays,	
	Mike

    	I think the only REAL cure for "Holiday Blues" is January
    	2nd.

    Holiday Blues are a figment of imagination!!!!
    
    Don't beleive it my friend. Since my father died seven years ago
    I get the blues every Christmas season. It is *** N O T *** a 
    commercial gimick. It is the real thing.....
    
    
    tony bogacki
    

    Wow, this note has blown my mind!  I can't IMAGINE feeling blue
    at Christmas time.  I've had some Christmases when I COULD have
    succumbed to that feeling, but never once have I been depressed
    on Christmas.
    
    When I was growing up, there was never any doubt that in our family
    Christmas was the most special time of year.  My mother was like
    a little kid, shaking packages, putting up decorations, shopping,
    all the usual stuff.  No one enjoyed it more than she.  There were
    no harsh words in our household at Christmas, even with three kids
    and a dog in a small house -- the spirit was unspoken but understood.
    The family traditions my mother started will be with me to my grave,
    and will always be symbolic of happy times.
    
    My marriage ended in August of 1981 after 10 happy Christmases in my
    own household.  I spent the following Christmas with my parents, and
    the love and caring and sensitivity they provided me was enough to make
    Scrooge himself feel warm and loved and happy that year.  Blue?  No way.
    
    Mother died the next November 1.  That was the toughest.  But as
    the oldest kid, I felt an obligation to have a Christmas for my family
    as close as I could to what Mother would have wanted.  So I did.
    And we all sat around and remembered happy times, and oh the most
    wonderful memories.  And that year the closeness of my family again
    warded off any blues that might have been lurking around a corner.
    
    Now I'm alone for all practical purposes.  For the last few years
    I've put up my own tree, alone.  When I moved to Alabama and left
    my close friends behind, Christmas became sort of a lonely time.
    But even now I can remember the warm, loving atmosphere that IS
    Christmas to me, and feel good inside.  I still keep the traditions,
    even alone.  They are very much a part of me.
    
    So ... Holiday blues?  Not on your life!  Christmas is a very special
    time of year, a time to love and be loved, and to fondly and warmly
    remember those who loved you so very much a long time ago. 
    
    						Pat

    I buy presents for people and watch them open them.  I like
    that.  If I've taken the care in picking out gifts for my 
    friends that I usually do, the facial expressions are reward
    enough for me.  Getting something extra-special for a friend
    that tells them what they mean to you, is one of the biggest
    thrills for me at Christmas.  It gets me through the rest.
    
    Of course, getting gifts isn't half-bad either! ;-)
    
    Mary-Michael

    The one thing that occasionally makes me blue as the holidays approach
    is when I stop to think about all of the people who I care about
    that I won't get a chance to see...  my sister who lives too far away
    to fly their family of 4 (and sometimes 6 when the step-kids are
    there) 'home' to mom and dad's, or old friends who have drifted
    away.
    
    But geez!  The good outweighs the bad by so much that I barely have
    time to be depressed!  I know that my sister will have a great
    Christmas, and I CAN'T WAIT to get back home next Tuesday!  I moved
    to Massachusettes from Nevada, live by myself, and was one of the
    first people I know to get my Christmas tree up.  I even invited
    a few friends over to help decorate while we listened to the Chipmunks
    sing Christmas Carols.
    
    I might get bummed if I couldn't go home for Christmas - but I didn't
    make it home for Thanksgiving (which means as much to me) and I
    spent that with three of the best people in the world.  I'm sure
    that I could have found Christmas things to do too.
    
    But!!!  I don't have to!!!  I've got ooodles of sisters, brothers,
    neices and nephews at home.  I don't even care about the presents.
    I just want to spend time with them again - watch the Smurfs on
    Saturday morning - get as much of the family together as possible
    and watch "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life" - sit around
    in the evening and just visit.  
    
    See!!!  I'm getting all warm and fuzzy inside again just thinking
    about it!!!
    
    I do understand the blues.  I've certainly had my share of ups and
    downs since moving 3000 miles away from home for the DEC experience.
    But, there are so many nice people around here.  It seems like either
    you don't want to do much for Christmas except spend time alone
    being either happy or sad (and I don't mind being sad sometimes,
    it makes happy even better) or if you really DO want to be with
    people, there are LOADS of them around here.
  
    I actually love being alone.  Those are the times that I can just
    think - either about happy things - or sad things.  And during this
    time of the year, I can't help but always think about the great
    memories of both Christmas and Thanksgiving with a household of
    people when I was growing up.                    
    
    -peg

    This note is being posted anonymously by a moderator.
    
    
    
	Christmas, like many things, is what you make of it.

	If you are fully determined to be unhappy or annoyed, yes, you will 
	probably succeed.  If you're REALLY good at it, you can probably help 
	pull down some other people who might otherwise have managed to enjoy 
	things.  (If it's hypocritical to want to be happy now in the face of 
	the misery the rest of the year, is it really any better to be 
	miserable ALL year?)

	Yes, Christmas blues are real.  They often involve expecting everything
	to stay the way it was back when you were <fill in the timeframe>.
	Unfortunately, people change, and time alters family ties even without
	divorce.  Sometimes these changes are irreversible (death or divorce 
	of those important to that good old days scenario); sometimes it's
	just distance or politics that keeps the family apart.

	There may be no "solution", only ways of coping.  

	You can, as suggested, redefine the "family" you miss to be a different 
	group of people (friends, perhaps) who CAN be together.  Or "adopt" a
	child, an older person, or just a friend who is also having a rough 
	time, and try to make their Christmas better.  

	You can celebrate on a different day.  One friend, from a large family, 
	told me that they have always celebrated this way, to avoid causing the 
	older married ones the hassle of deciding whose folks they spent 
	Christmas with!  It's only "not the same" if you insist that Christmas
	includes specific times on December 25.  You can even choose another of
	the seasonal "holidays" - winter solstice, St Nicholas Day, Feast of 
	the Epiphany/Twelfth day of Christmas.  

	You can avoid concentrating on the idea that "this is Christmas
	and I'm supposed to be happy and I'm not...." by avoiding the seasonal
	promotion - the way some of us avoid all the trappings of baseball
	or some other all-important sports season. :-) 

	Or, if nothing else, you can consider the fact that a lot of the
	people who DO enjoy Christmas will be hit by POST-holiday blues -
	and you won't.
    

There is also the Oh_God_another_years_gone_by_what_have_I_accomplished?
depression...

Sometimes there are so many things that you want to do that you can't do all of
them, and you're depressed because you feel you missed out...  Cheer up!
Christmas comes *every* year!  Only 365 days untill Christmas!  What doesn't go
right this year, you will have a chance to do again next year... *If* you want
to.

Jim. 

    
    College cured me of the what-have-I-accomplished blues, having been
    sufficiently hairy to make waking up to another day an accomplishment.
             
    Now, having lived on my own for a while, I have a different set,
    the I-can't-stand-to-be-with-these-relatives blues.  My parents
    included.  It's really awful of me to feel this way, I realize,
    but I'm just not wedded to the same set of standards and beliefs
    that they are any more.
    
    DFW

    
    
    It's January 2nd . . . now don't you feel betta?
    

    
    No.  1987 bites.  It is January 6th, and not one mediocre
    day yet!  Ugh. 
    
    Isn't 1987 over yet??????

    
    Ok, now it's January 9th...only 356 days left to 1987 !!!
    
    Actually, I think it's up to each individual to make the best of
    each day.  That's all you can do and it's also the best way to handle
    it.  Just for today....  If I spent every day thinking about the
    past and what *could* happen in the future, I don't know how long
    I'd want to hang around.  I don't know if I can be happy or feel
    good for a year or whatever, but I CAN try to make it just today.
    You'd be surprised how the "today's" can add up....
    
    

    I have a poster in my office that has a sailboat, a setting sun,
    and one sentence:
    
    Live one day at a time and make it a masterpiece
    
    

>There is also the Oh_God_another_years_gone_by_what_have_I_accomplished?
>depression...

My approach is, "Gee! Another year has passed and nothing awful has happened!"
I think most of us are aware of the terrible things that happen to people, both
by reading about it in the news, or by knowing the victims.  I have been close
enough to tragedy to understand that it is real, but have so far been spared
of too much personal involvement in it.  For that, I am thankful every year.

But I still heave a sigh of relief when the holiday season ends, not because 
it depresses me, but because it is too complicated, too expensive, and too
long.  I think many people expect the end of the year to make up for the rest
of the year, and the pressure to have a good time is too much.