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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:	What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:	ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI

Created:	Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:	Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1327
Total number of notes:	28298

87.0. "Exploring a new relashionship BEFORE breakingup?" by TONTO::EARLY (Bob_the_hiker :^) ) Mon Oct 06 1986 15:29

    PLEASE NOTE 
    I tried 'extra' hard to leave out any refences to sexist/feminist
    practices to maintain  a non_discriminatory attutude, and I hope
    you all will continue to do the same, as it seems to me this
    be a potentially explosive type subject.
    Bob (the old one)
    
    
    While there are several aspects of relationships and divorce
    herein, one somewhat "delicate" topic hasn't appeared (actually
    several) but at least not this one, per se.
    
    Leaving !
    
    Leaving ?
    
    Hmm yes, leaving a "somewhat" satisfactory relationship to try
    to find a "better" one (more fulfilling, better compatibility,
    greater utility value, an enlarged perspective, or perhaps even
    one to 'share' a living space with or <whatever is perceived as
    being 'better'>).
    
    Uh perhaps not exactly leaving, either; as that is simpler, but,
    "Exploring" the possibility of another relationship, or perhaps
    considering giving up a "temporary" 'arrangement' in the hopes of the 
    possibility a "more reasonable one with the possibility of serious 
    committment" might be found. The .. uh .. exploring would be done
    "before" leving the existing relationship.
    
    In some cases (as in married or committed) it might be called
    'cheating',if sex were involved.
    
    I 'think' this is 'delicate' because *some* people would find such an 
    'exploratory' foray (especially by "THEIR" SO) to be violently against 
    their personal lifestyles, beliefs, and their own practice (under
    normal conditions).
    
    To define TEMPORARY: A temporary arrangement is one in which two
    (or more) persons share each others 'space' (mental, emotional,physical
    needs, etc) only for as long as it is comfortable for both of them.
    In short, a relationship in which there is no 'committment', but
    is a 'convenience' for the participants.
    
    To define PERMANENT: A relationship would be one in which, by its
    nature, is expected to be long term, and mutual committal statements 
    are given by both parties, eithert to just each other, or to each other
    in front of witnesses (as in a wedding ceremony).
    
	Bob

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
87.1	If it were that easy..	USFSHQ::LMARTEL		`Mon Oct 06 1986 15:50`	23
	Bob, it is easy to say that it could easily happen, but to actually handle it when this does arise - is another thing. I hope that if the two individuals were honest with each other, and admitted that they did want to pursue the possibility of another more promising fullfilling relationship - the SO would be understanding and open to the suggestion/idea. Again, it is easy to say that now, but I am not so sure if I would handle it as well as I would like to. I guess the deciding factor would be the type of relationship and love for one another. Isn't there an old saying? = If you let it go - and it doesn't return, it was never yours in the first place, if it returns......... If it's a relationship for convienence, it could work out for both.
87.2		REGENT::KIMBROUGH	gailann, maynard, ma...	`Mon Oct 06 1986 15:55`	23
	sorry but I see this as just another cop out for CHEATING.. let me say that sometimes I know that when involved in a relationship another person comes into your life and you know that this is really something that makes you happy and you would like to explore this as a possible relationship.. then you have to decide if the one you are currently involved in is something you can give up.. if not than you have no right to explore the new one.. if you do decide you can part with the old than do so before embarking on the new one... of course I apply this to relationships that are commited.. this is not of course applicable to relationships where both parties have decided in advance that the door is always open.. maybe I am old-fashioned.. but I believe that in a committed relationship you don't go out exploring new back yards till you have cleaned up yer old one!! gailann
87.3	Gotta Look In the Mirror	ZENSNI::TAVARES	John--Stay low, keep moving	`Mon Oct 06 1986 20:45`	16
	I interpreted this topic to raise the question: if its inevitable that you WILL break up, is it acceptable to stick with the old relationship while cultivating a new one. If that's the topic, I'd like to put in 2 cents. When faced with an unhappy marriage, I thought about that one. I mean, why not make it easy on myself? I came to the conclusion that it would be because I couldn't face myself in the mirror. I separate this from cheating. If I cheated, that is, have an affair while in an on-going relationship, I would not feel that I am wrong. But if I am unhappy in a relationship, and am such a weak person that I have to find another comfort before I leave the old one, I deem myself unworthy of being called a man. In my case, I made sure that when I left my ex, I walked into a cold world. Strange, or morals; making one thing right, and another wrong.
87.4		WFOVX3::KLEINBERGER	Gale Kleinberger	`Tue Oct 07 1986 21:50`	19
	Another twist to the question might be... If you are happy in a relationship, but see it going nowhere in terms of committment, how long do you stay in it??? If you someday want to get married, and s/he doesn't, how long to you stay hoping "the other" will change their mind??? If you enjoy being with the other person but know s/he is not the one for you, that you really aren't compatible, when do you make the break??? If you both are happy with the status quo, do you leave it as it is, and hope it will get better, or do you make the break, and hope that something better might come along??? That is how I read 87.0... was I close???? GLK
87.5	That hits the nail on the head!	CSC32::WOLBACH		`Thu Oct 09 1986 18:31`	6
	Good heavens!! Quick, everyone, answer ALL of the questions in .4!! I seem to be in that exact position and could sure use some input, guidance (sympathy?), whatever!! Deb.
87.6	It's gut spilling time....	HERMES::CLOUD	I am your `density'	`Fri Oct 10 1986 04:11`	18
	Well, I think I'm answering the question regarding considering marriage, but then again...I may be missing the point completely. Anyway, my ex-girlfriend was in the "I must get married before I turn 27" mode, and I knew it. I, being not ready for the ultimate commitment, kept dodging the issue. She patiently put up with my reluctancy. Until, at some point in in our relationship, she could stand it no more. Now, understand that I work second shift and she worked first, so we couldn't see each other as much as we would have liked...this also, must have rubbed her the wrong way. So, she started looking outside the relationship for companionship. Well, she found someone else who could occupy her time more readily than I could, and she decided to call it quits with me. So, my opinion of that type of situation is that sometimes it's good for the relationship (only if it is mutually agreed upon). In my case, it wasn't but, then again...her's seemed to be the ultimate vote. Phil
87.8	thoughts, not advise...	YODA::BARANSKI	Lead, Follow, or Get Out Of The Way!	`Fri Oct 10 1986 15:45`	31
	RE: .5 "If you are happy in a relationship, but see it going nowhere in terms of committment, how long do you stay in it???" "If you someday want to get married, and s/he doesn't, how long to you stay hoping "the other" will change their mind???" "If you enjoy being with the other person but know s/he is not the one for you, that you really aren't compatible, when do you make the break???" "If you both are happy with the status quo, do you leave it as it is, and hope it will get better, or do you make the break, and hope that something better might come along???" If committment is important to you, then stay untill you recieve the committment, be it in this relationship or another one. I would ask myself if/why committment was so important before changing anything, though. Can you be committed to one who is not committed to you though? I would not fault one who wanted committment for leaving one who could never give it. If you want something better, then work for something better, either in that relationship or in another. Leaving it as it is and hoping it will get better is a pretty sure way to fail. Jim. 'I will not give you advise. I will share my thoughts with your heart. Then let your heart do what it wills...'
87.9	Another question on the same line	NOBLE::DISIP		`Sun Oct 26 1986 17:52`	14
	Help... What does one do when they are unsure of a relationship? There are some days when the relationship seems to be going great, and then other days, you think it is going to end before the night is over... How do you deal with the insecurities??? I don't WANT to go looking for another, I'm quite happy where I'm at... except when all the insecurities creep in,and then I don't know what to do... Has anybody else gone through this??/ Help!
87.10	Turn around and she's gone	NANOOK::SCOTT	Looking towards the sun	`Mon Oct 27 1986 02:23`	27
	Seems to me, I was in somewhat of the same situation but never did have the chance to resolve it as she left for another state before I knew what had happened. No real insecurities but just knew from a gut feeling, the relation was not destined to be. One day I arrived home and found her gone. Only left a note in her wake and never did heard from her since. Not even after 7 months. It was something I would liked to have understood. I know there wasn't a truly bonding relation but good friendship for three months. Not even a ghost now. Kind of strange as I would have never expected it. Looking back, I still can't see any telltale signs. I guess "nothing" is forever and "nothing" is secure. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her though I don't have any desire to see her again. I doubt there is a good answer to how you deal with insecurities, Each situation is probably an individual case where one answer may not even come close to another. The only thing I can think of is communication. If you feel insecure, talk about it with him/her and let your feelings be known. Maybe, you might find there is no foundation for them, but then again. Sometimes all you can say is "farm out man"