Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Flip a coin.
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    Barring any really significant reasons (like, "If we go past the
    paper mill my allergies will act up"), I'd say whoever's doing the
    driving gets to decide.
    
    Now, if that turns into an argument over who sits behind the wheel, well,
    back to square one!
    
    Actually, these nit-picky things are often the hardest arguments to
    settle. Just because it's so trivial, each person thinks the other
    ought to be able to give in. If either party doesn't feel that it's
    his/her turn to give in this time, that may be pointing to some other
    unresolved conflicts.
    
    Minimal case: Each party should state how bad they would feel if their
    route was not chosen vs. how good they would feel if it was, plus any
    incentives they may offer ("If we take my route, I'll do most of the
    driving," or "You can choose the radio station," or "I'll buy lunch" or
    "You can choose the route next time").
    
    If _that_ doesn't turn up a resolution, maybe you'd better find
    somewhere else to go...
    
    -b

      Go for the senic route, My so and I had the exact arguement on our
    weekend get away. I wanted highway to get there faster and he wanted
    the SLOWER route to unwind. 
      Today I am grateful for the senic route 3 hours longer than the
    highway but the sights we, I, saw made it worth my time, and made
    memories that the highway could've neever made.
    
    lisa

	 so, what's the big deal?  you have to get home again, right?
	 Take route A there and route B back!  Or vice versa!  That
	 way you can both be satified (and if that doesn't do the
	 trick, you're not arguing about what route to take, you're
	 arguing about something much deeper!)

	 kath

    I'm with Barb (? - .2) on this one: the driver gets to decide; if
    choosing a driver is a point of contention, let one drive "to"
    and the other drive back.  In having this discussion, I found that
    factors which weren't important to me (but were to her) were 
    time of day (she didn't like night driving) and road layout between 
    A and B (she didn't care for rotaries, I like 'em).  Taking the
    "scenic" route would, in many cases, make me noodgie; unless I've
    planned to do some rubber-necking, I usually just want to get to
    the destination.
    
    Steve

    How about...?
    
    
    LIGHTEN UP, BOOPSIES, THE STARS DON'T CARE...
    

Personally, I couldn't care less, but since I was reading this in
the family room, with my Supreme Command watching the weather report
right next to me, I gave her the whole spiel and posed this question
to her. 

She said: "Personally, I couldn't care less.".    

-- Ron

    Go one route this time, the other next time.
    
    This really isn't serious enough to argue about.  IMHO -
    if arguments are happening over things like this then
    there are some serious power issues that need to be 
    dealt with in the relationship.  (BTW - my opinion comes
    from having been in a relationship where these kinds of
    arguments happened almost daily.)
    
    Nanci
    

    Get at the hidden agendas. If both routes are essetially equall
    all things considered, then have each of you try and think honestly
    about why their particular route is so important to them.
    
    and if there isn't any deep or hidden reason, then think about
    why the two of you are caught up in this kind of power play.
    
    Bonnie

    
    
    	The solution is easy in my eyes..... Say "ok. Let's go your
    way!!!!"
    
    		Life it too short to argue over trivialities. People
    should just give a little.
    
    And then enjoy the trip.
    me
    

            Thanks for the replies and the sanity check.  What I read
       from this was "make some sort of compromise/deal" that both
       people agree to, which does not necessarily mean both people
       "like" the compromise.  Avoid power plays.
            As the writer of the base note I should explain that this
       example was intentionally trivial to avoid dealing with the
       specifics of a problem, but rather, how the solution could be
       obtained.
            This debate was probably the last civilized discussion I had
       with my wife before I filed for divorce.  My solution was, "we
       don't go anywhere until we both say it's OK", her solution was,
       "if I'm driving, we are going my way, regardless of how you
       feel."  Considering we had already been through two marriage
       counselors, and three years of serious difficulties, I figured
       _that_about_does_it_.

            (IMO) A non-trivial example of the base note was something
       that happened last year.  It went like this:

       > You and your spouse/SO are in a car in front of your home in
       > town A.  You both want to go to town B.

           It's time to file the Federal Income Tax return.  I work for
           you know who, and my wife has just completed her second year
           of her own freelance writing business (office in the home).

           When the guy who always does our taxes (CPA friend) finished
           up, we owed Uncle Sam $125.  My wife had not had anything
           deducted/paid in advance toward tax time.
       
       > You wish to drive via route 1 and (s)he wishes to drive via
         route 2.

           I say write a check.  She says, she has a friend who says we
           should be able to deduct enough because of the office at home,
           to get money back.  
       
       > You and (s)he have debated the issue long enough and can not
         agree.
       
           I say, I don't want to do anything illegal.  She says maybe
           our friend just doesn't understand all of the deductions
           possible in a freelance writing business and its getting
           close to the filing deadline.


       > 1) Spouse/SO means you can not pick up your marbles and go home.
       >    You are home and this is your BEST FRIEND.

           We have to file a return, and separate returns would mean
           paying Uncle Sam more than is necessary.  A decision must
           be made.
       
       > 2) The reasons for using route 1 or route 2 are equally valid.
       >    It is not possible, at this point, to say that a specific
       >    route is right or wrong and there are significant consequences
       >    to either choice.

	    In 14+ years of marriage we never "fudged" the tax return.
	    We took everything we though was legal, a few times the IRS
	    argued with it (I won one and lost two audit debates).  Yes,
	    I understand people do "fudge" the tax return all the time
            and nothing happens, I accept that as true. 

       > What do you do?
	    
            She visits her friend, who finishes the return on April 15,
	    and my wife gives it to me to sign at 5:30 PM when I get
	    home from work (the deadline is 6:00 PM).  It says we get
            back $600+.  I say, "are any of these numbers _made_up_ or
            fudged?"  She says NO.  I ask about the difference, she says
	    things the old guy did one way the new person did another,
	    more beneficial way.  I signed, she signed and we realized
	    that there were a couple of 1099s missing.  So we filed an
	    extension and figured to add that stuff in tomorrow.

       > "if I'm driving, we are going my way, regardless of how you
         feel."

	    I took the 1099s back to my wife's friend, and went over the
	    tax return with her.  About 30 minutes into this, I find
	    out, "yes, these deductions are the max within the range
	    that the IRS will not check" for your income.  "Don't worry,
	    I do this all the time.  You don't need receipts, I've
	    explained it all to your wife. It will be OK"

       My personal conclusion:
            We didn't compromise.  The person in the driver's seat made
       the decision.  I just found out about it through luck.
           (IMO) This is NOT conflict resolution.


       Sorry for being so long winded :-), Thanks for listening.

                       Richard

    Richard, if I understand your .12, your (ex?)wife had better check
    into the necessity for filing quarterly estimated taxes as a
    self-employed writer.  Otherwise fudging a few figures will be only
    part of your JOINT problem.
    
    But then, it sounds like paying taxes is only the tip of this iceberg
    and the power play is the rest.
    
    Former free-lance writer-at-home who's glad to have someone else
    take care of the withholding.

.13> -< She hadn't paid in ANYTHING? >-
.13> 
.13> Richard, if I understand your .12, your (ex?)wife had better check
.13> into the necessity for filing quarterly estimated taxes as a
.13> self-employed writer.  Otherwise fudging a few figures will be only
.13> part of your JOINT problem.

       You are absolutley right!  This took place last April, and I told
       her she should start filing quarterly estimates because we
       wouldn't be filing joint returns anymore.  She didn't, but now it's
       that time of year again only this time it gets more complicated
       because we are in the process of getting divorced. (The temporary
       hearing was last December, child custody hearing is at the end of
       March)  And there is no way I'm going to put myself in that
       position again.


                       Richard