| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 601.1 | not me | CSC32::DELKER | | Wed Oct 05 1988 19:10 | 13 |
| After 8 years of marriage, I asked my now-ex to move out. It took
2-3 months to decide Yes, I really wanted a divorce. And that was
that. No, we wouldn't have worked things out if he had stayed,
but the marriage hadn't been much of a marriage for years. I doubt
that my intent was to really work things out, though, so this probably
doesn't help much.
If I were in your wife's shoes, I'd probably have the same fear
- that once gone you wouldn't come back.
Good luck to you.
Paula
|
| 601.2 | 4 for 5...not bad... | SALEM::SAWYER | Alien. On MY planet we reason! | Wed Oct 05 1988 19:44 | 52 |
|
i've had many!
first, my ex-wife...she tried real hard to be a jerk but i
kept at her until, finally, deciding i was just to reasonable
and nice to be upset with, she went away forevr...
oh well.
then my first real lover...
spent 3 great years together and then it slipped away...
so we split up but continued to maintain contact for about a year
until even that slipped away....but we were never angry at each
other.
then my next s.o.
spent 2 great years together...had to end it because she wanted
more of a commitment than i wanted to give...
we still see each other once a year or so....
then, my next s.o. ( a fellow noter, by the way) we had a wonderful
relationship for 2 years....it died...but we still send mail
weekly and call on occasion and get together once in awhile..
she's still my best friend! i tell her everything....and i do
mean everything...and i believe she reciprocates....
then i met this woman that became crazy over (heck, i was crazy
over each of them) and we had a great 3 months!...
then the proverbial defacation hit the windmill....
and she told me to get out of her life...!
i was crushed...
but i knew that things would get better...perhaps i'd meet some
one else...or perhaps she would change her mind...
so i kinda hung around, though i didn't pester her, and called
her once a week and continued to ask her out every few weeks or
so..
finally, after about 3 months of this, she told me that her crisis
period was over and that she wanted to try to establish a relationship
again.
during that three months i did not accuse or abuse her.
i did not plead or beg or pester her.
i just helped her when she needed it...like talking or crying
or moving furniture...
i let her make most of the moves...
and she appreciated the fact that i didn't bug her with pleas
of love and devotion...
it was a very trying time for me but i feel i grew a lot..
i think she did, too.
|
| 601.3 | think hard | PARITY::SMITH | Penny Smith, TWO/B5, 247-2203 | Wed Oct 05 1988 19:52 | 6 |
| ... trouble is, that if you are the one to decide to leave and separate,
and then YOU decide you want back in, you might not find 'open arms' awaiting
upon your return... you might just find someone who doesn't trust you, or
is afraid to go forward.. thinking you might just 'leave again'...
Penny
|
| 601.4 | WHAT DO YOU *REALLY* WANT? | CGVAX2::MICHAELS | | Wed Oct 05 1988 20:02 | 18 |
| If you and your wife have the intent of continuing the marriage,
I think moving out is a mistake. When the waters are rough, any
change that is significantly different, *seems* better, and becomes
easy to like.
However, if you're just "going through the motions" and inwardly
want to discontinue the marriage, moving is a good first step. You
can always tell your friends and relatives *and yourselves* that
you were going through a "trial separation".
If you really don't know if you want your marriage to continue or
not, stay put, listen to each other, try not to crowd each other
emotionally. Biggest point: Don't play games. They're too destructive!
Best of luck to you.
Susan
|
| 601.5 | | CADSE::GLIDEWELL | Peel me a grape, Tarzan | Thu Oct 06 1988 01:58 | 24 |
| Two thoughts. Of the four *real* trial separations I know well,
none got back together.
o In two cases, he moved out, she wept for five or six months,
then found someone else. Both cases, he waited too long.
o In one case, he moved out, she wept for four weeks, then
discovered life without him was much more pleasant.
o In one case, they've married three times and divorced twice.
One things bothers me about your note:
> ... my councilor says that a separation may be in order.
Is your councilor supporting your feelings or leading them?
I'd feel better if you'd phrased it "I say that a separation ...
and the councilor agrees."
If you're using the councilor as a "reason" in your own mind, it may
be a sign that you don't feel quite up to sticking up for yourself,
maybe one reason you've come to this point? One can get real tired of
being downtrodden. (Believe me, I'm not criticising you -- I'm
recognizing some of my own behavior here.) Meigs
|
| 601.9 | Think twice & then again | TPVAX1::WHITEWAY | | Thu Oct 06 1988 15:19 | 25 |
| My wife (Oops ! ex wife) left me at a time when she was not
sure about anything. She (after leaving) said she needed time.
I waited. I was there for her if she needed to talk, etc. By
the time she got her life back together again, it was too late.
Too much had happened. Then again, too little happened.
We eventually attempted becoming one again. It didn't work.
There were too many feelings (guilt,emotions, etc.) in the way.
I guess I just want to say this..... If you have problems with
your marriage, then work on it. Seek professional help. Do not just
walk away from something because you are unsure of what you have,
or that you need space. You may regret it for the rest of your life.
People sometimes take the easy way out, and end up hurting more.
Before taking the chance of ruining all you have, do something
positive.These are my feelings only...... Those that made a commitment
to another, whether it be marriage or other, owe it to yourself
and the other to try to work it out.
If you have tried all you can to resolve it, then walkk away,
but I feel only after you have tried everything.
Good luck, and I hope all works out.
relationships can be hard, but not impossible.
|
| 601.10 | Get in touch with YOU! | SALEM::JWILSON | | Thu Oct 06 1988 17:52 | 34 |
| John,
I am not sure why you are asking the H_R community to decide for
you whether or not you should (temporarily??) separate from you
wife. In your initial message, you are telling us that YOU feel
the need to go off and think. Shouldn't that be enough? Are you
feeling pressured because your wife is against the move? Are you
feeling guilty because you believe you are abandoning the family?
I am sure you are having lots of mixed feelings right now, and only
you can decide whether or not to leave.
When I left my wife of 19 years, I had already experienced many
feelings of guilt, and doubt, and sadness of loss, and many other
emotions I couldn't even put a finger on. We had "tried" to make
things work, including counseling. But I firmly believe that "Love
is a Decision." Once you realize that you can no longer make that
decision, you should start giving serious consideration to leaving
the situation. So when I left, it was forever. (Fortunately for
both of us, things ended well, despite much pain and heartache getting
there.)
But before you've done Anything - TALK to your wife. Share your
feelings and concerns and issues with her, not judgmentally, but
as you would with your best friend. Try to eliminate the "Me vs
You" mentality that usually dominates the end of a relationship.
See if there is any way that the relationship can (not survive,
but Grow and Flourish). Then, if you can't work things out, work
out how you can separate with the interests of all concerned being
considered.
All the very best to you, your wife, and your family,
Jack
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| 601.11 | 1+1=1 or 1/2*1/2=1/4? | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Our common crisis | Thu Oct 06 1988 19:51 | 17 |
|
Often it may be necessary to "take a vacation" from the family
or spouse, to get in touch with one's self. It's called
differentiation. When one spends a lot of time considering the self
and the family or the relationship as one, one can lose their
boundaries conceptually and become enmeshed - you dont know where
you end and the relationship or family begins.
Differentiation and defined boundaries are a healthy thing to
have. We get confused when we cannot see ourselves other than in
the context of the relationship or family, because we *never* get
a break or vacation from "each other". The chance to step back and
see the forest from the trees, so to speak, is a very healthy thing.
It's very unrealistic to expect someone to always consider themselves
"1/2 of a whole" or whatever -
Joe Jas
|
| 601.12 | One successful separation | SALEM::GINGRAS | | Fri Oct 07 1988 13:32 | 26 |
| Your question is one asking about successful serarations. My wife
and I separated, and fortunately ended the separation successfully.
It was however the biggest mistake of my life. Looking back, I
can now see that once separated there was not a DEDICATED commitment
to make things work. It became to easy to start looking away from
the relationship. We were involved in counseling at the time and
the counselor totally advises AGAINST separating. I fully understand
why, now. I believe that if you have a counselor who is advocating
a separation, you should find another counselor.
The healing really starts when you, and your wife, can be totally
honest with each other and TALK to/with each other. There is a
need for a combined commitment to make a marriage work.
You state that after 18 years you need some time alone. Souds like
you have allready made up your mind. My marriage worked out. We
have been married for 17 years. We were separated 4 years ago for
4 months. I made a terrible mistake by looking for a separation
and through the grace of God, was given a second chance.
If you have any thoughts al all of making your marriage work, a
separation is not the answer.
I wish you the best,
Dave
|
| 601.13 | Check your legal rights | CIMNET::LUISI | | Thu Oct 20 1988 17:34 | 18 |
|
Although your intentions may be just a trial separation; be sure
you understand your legal rights under your domicile state's divorse
laws. After a period of time.... I think its 30 days; your spouse
could change the locks on your home and not allow you to enter.
If you have children there's the A and D words. Abandonment and
Desertion. And if you own a home you may just find yourself not
entitled to it either.
Didn't mean to scare you. But people can get pretty strange when
it comes to this stuff; especially AFTER contacting a lawyer.
Unless you trust your SO will not do this I'd be the one contacting
a lawyer. Unless of course your just taking off for the weekend
or a few weeks.
Good luck
|
| 601.14 | Unsuccessful seperation | GENRAL::WOOLF | Ken Woolf | Mon Oct 24 1988 15:39 | 27 |
| What is really important within your question is, what do you and
your spouse want to do? Your counselor ought to bring that out
for both of you and help you come to an honest decision.
My former wife of 19 years felt that she wanted to go off and think
be by herself for a while. I protested for several weeks telling
her that the best thing is for us to work out the problems within
the relationship not run off and hide somewhere. She persisted and
I gave in. She went off to her Parents in Oregon for a couple weeks.
I tried to give her all the freedom I felt she wanted but called
a couple times to let her know that I still loved her and cared
for her.
When she returned to Colorado I had an evening planned just to
spend some time together. It was a disaster. We were divorced about
a year later.
To sum all this up. If you and your spouse can get together and
make a committment to start working together for the betterment
of your relationship then do it. The counselor can give you advise
but for the most part leave him out of it. It`s not his life or
his marriage that is at stake. There are some things only you and
your spouse can decide. The big question you need to be honest about
is what do you want. I think from your question in the first place
you have already made the decision. If you choose to leave the
relationship without the effort to work things out, you are missing
out on a great opportunity for personal growth. You can also grow
as an individual but the greatest growth will occur if the two of
you can develope the honesty and committment to grow together.
I wish the best for both of you in the struggle that lies ahead.
|
| 601.15 | Does he say what he means | GYPSC::BINGER | beethoven was dutch | Fri Nov 11 1988 07:56 | 10 |
| Trial separation...
trial ... means practice, try out,
separation... means apart, divided.
No first hand experience but many phrases mean what they say. You
usually try something out to see if you like and want to keep it.
Trial marriage, Trial period.. with a car, house etc.
If that is what your councillor is saying??
Regards
|