Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Diana,
    
    I have had the same type of experiences in my life. I tend to be
    the more activist in keeping old friendships alive. For a while
    I was quite distressed about this. I came to the conclusion however,
    that different people have different gifts and energy levels. There
    are those that are relationship gardners and there are those who
    are more apt to be the garden. I decided not to mind being the gardner
    because as a result I had the joy of keeping some long term
    relationships alive.
    
    Bonnie

    To some extent, I have the same "problem" too.  The way I handle
    it is those who write I will write to - but I tend to write only
    slightly more frequently than they write.  I don't think it's a
    matter of energy level, rather its a matter of priorities.  In the
    case of two of my friends, I haven't seen them in several years,
    and over the last year one's been sick & so hasn't written much
    (actually, I'm wondering if she's still alive - I don't really have
    any way of finding out) and the other sort-of petered out after
    he got married.
        
    There are also several friends I hear from about once a year.  In
    each case, it's a matter of what events are occurring.  One
    I hear from only at Xmas.  Another, a college friend, I hear from
    around the end of each (theoretical) school year.
    
    The same applies to telephone relationships.  If the relationship
    isn't two-way, I don't maintain it.  
    
    

    .2--well said.
    
    I love to write letters myself, but I really don't care for the
    telephone.  I tend to write much more than I call, but that's me.
    I have a dear friend that I grew up with;  she and I live quite
    far apart now.  For years I would write to her, and get no replies,
    BUT we would usually get together at Christmas.  Over the years
    I stopped writing, thinking that 'if she doesn't care about this
    friendship, then neither do I'.  But when I got married, I had sent
    her an invitation for old times' sake.  She came to my wedding.
    I was unbelievably touched that she would come all that distance
    for me.  I realized then how wrong I had been to assume that she
    didn't care.
    
    Different people have different ways of maintaining a friendship.
    Please don't feel that if friends don't stay in touch as you would
    that they still don't love  and care about you.
    
    Do as YOU feel is right.  You never know what your letters or
    phonecalls may mean to someone who perhaps can't articulate.
    
    Best of luck,
    
    Jane

    I think that it really depends on who the person is, and how much
    that friendship means to me.  I have friends that I write to, and
    never hear a reply, but if they are important to me, I just keep
    writing....it's more that I want to share what's going on in my
    life...by the same notion, I have one friend in particular who lives
    not 5 minutes from me, and no matter how much I call, I don't get
    a response....still a good friend, but I've given up trying to be
    the one to keep the conversation going....I've stopped calling.
     He doesn't seem to care, and I'm reaching that point too.
    
    I really do believe that it depends on the person...some people
    are just not the effort-makers - like Bonnie said so wisely, some
    are the gardeners, some the garden....I guess I'm a gardener too!
    
    JayCee
    

I **always** respond to letters, if not due to friendship, then due 
to simple etiquette; Not only to letters, but even to casual EMAIL
'Helloes'. 

Over the years, I've had terminal-pals (or whatever the
corresponding 'pen-pal' expression is), some of which I have never
met. With some, I still carry on a regular exchange; with some, we
keep in touch from  time to time; with some, the contact somehow
has dwindled into nothing. 

When I get nothing in return for a message, (with my immense
popularity  :-) , I know it's unbelievable, but, yes, my friends, it
**has** happened...), I attribute it to the other person being too
busy, too lazy or just plain not interested in continuing the
conversation. Personally, I never leave a message unanswered. If I
want to drop a regular letter exchange, I prefer to come right out
and say so. 

-- Ron 

	 To me, a friendship is not based on how much you write/talk
	 to the other person.  I have wonderful friends that I have
	 not seen in years, but I still know that they will be there
	 for me and I for them when we need each other.

	 My friendships are not based on the quantity of the
	 communication but the quality.  I have a hard time
	 writing/talking to people just for the sake of "keeping in
	 touch."  I don't feel that my friends and I need to "keep in
	 touch" because we already ARE in touch...they are in my
	 thoughts and in my heart as I am in theirs.

	 A lot of my friends and I live separate lives....Our lives
	 get hectic and busy, we don't always have time for idle
	 chatter about day-to-day things that don't affect us.  But we
	 will always share our thoughts and hopes and dreams and
	 sorrows.

	 We also understand that the quality is what matters and not
	 the quantity.  I would much rather have one phone call in a
	 year from/to my friends than 20 letters that were written out
	 of a feeling of obligation to "keep in touch."



	 My friends and I are like this...we know the others care.
	 And we know that we don't need the day-to-day interactions to
	 keep our friendships strong.  But that's just how we are! 8^)

	 kathy

    I was pleasently surprized to see this hear.  Recently I have been
    having a simular problem.  It seems that I'm always the one calling
    friends and making plans and it also seems that I get responces
    like "If nothing comes up, sure but I'll let you know....".  Why
    gee thanks for making me your second choice in case you find something
    else to do.  I know that my working a full time job and full time
    school I have little time, and I'm very hard to get a hold of but
    it seems like my "friends" have given up on me.  Even though I am
    extreamly busy, I still make time for them.  My constant calling
    and making plans make me feel like I'm putting them out and being
    a pest. 
    
    Bill

    I still keep in touch with a friend I've known since second grade.
    We write to each other twice a year, Christmas and birthdays.  I
    know if anything important came up, she'd be right there.  Another
    friend I lived with, traveled with and shared deep dark secrets
    with, getting a letter out of her even once a year is like pulling
    teeth.  But if something really important came up, I know she'd
    be there.  
    
    I'm good at keeping in touch with old friends but I also understand 
    that writing letters is not everyones idea of a good time.  With 
    relatives (such as my younger brothers) I find it not so much a 
    problem of not wanting to write as a problem of not being able to 
    find a stamp.  In those cases I send a couple of self-addressed
    stamped envelopes every so often and voila, I start hearing from
    them.  Even my best friend who is an English Lit major and loves
    to write is never organized enough to ever have a stamp and envelope
    around when she needs it.  I'll never know how these people manage
    to pay their bills every month.
    

    Jodi-
    

    another possible solution..
    
    get your friend on 'the net'.  We never got mail from our
    son in college and we weren't so great at writing either..
    then he got an account at college that could reach Digital
    via the bitnet...so now I can sit at lunch or at home at night
    and write to my son...it is much easier :-) and the joy of
    finding mail from him in the am is incredible.
    
    Bonnie

    I got 'em on the net...and that is the only little contact I 
    have with them.  Working nights kills the college party scene 
    and I can only get in touch with the CS majors.  They are the only
    ones who are constantly on the computers.
    
    Bill
    

    	I agree that the kind of friendship you have depends on the
    friend.  I have several different types of friendships.  Some
    friends I see/hear from only a couple of times a year, but after
    we've caught up, it's like the time in between visits/calls never
    existed.  Other friends I'm in touch with every few weeks, usually
    by phone and we see each other a couple times a year.  Then there
    are the people I'm in touch with constantly...usually those that
    live/work fairly nearby.  I know that any of these friends would
    be there for me if I needed them, and would want to take part in
    special occasions in my life as well.

    	I have had occasions where I felt I was forcing the
    friendship.  I'd be the one doing the calling, suggesting the
    plans, sending the mail.  After a while of doing this, I'd 'test
    the waters' a bit, and try not initiating, or making it longer
    between contact.  If they didn't bother to get in touch with me, I
    felt that they didn't want to continue the friendship.  (This is
    different from the friendships I mentioned above, where we were
    only in touch a couple times a year.  There, I *knew* that the
    friendship existed and was solid.)  I definitely believe that 
    friendship (like any other relationship) is a two-way street.  It's 
    really hard for me to just give up on a friendship - I hate leaving 
    things unresolved.  And actually, this has only happened twice.  It 
    still bothers me that some people will say they do want to be your 
    friend, but they don't want to put any effort into it.


    	Amy

         Isn't this sort of like classifying all known types
         of snowflakes? They are all beautiful, but each is
         an entity in its own right?
         
         For instance....
         
         There are Claire and Bess. The three of us survived
         the horror years of high school together. I see them/
         hear from them perhaps once a year...if lucky. But
         it is like walking through a time warp...no gaps...the
         conversation continues from where it was.
         
         Then there's Fred and Kristin. A regular piece of my
         day. We eat, work, play, argue, together...loving
         every minute and each other...constant contact.
         
         Then there is George. Just back from the hospital
         who I constantly "bother" with hugs and support and
         pulse checks. He did the same for me once.
         
         Friends and friendships are nonpareils. Each is
         sufficient unto itself in its own way, and should
         be nurtured in a suitable manner. 
         
         And, as an aside, my Daddy once told me that the
         only way to keep a friend was to be one. I venture
         to guess he was right. 

RE: .11

>    I have had occasions where I felt I was forcing the
>    friendship.

Perhaps it's only semantics - I separate the people I know into two
very distinct groups, with a well defined demarcation line. There
are 'friends' and there are 'acquaintances'. 

'Friends' do not have to keep in touch, they'll still be friend. They
could walk all over me, they'd still be friend. They have earned
the right a long time ago and I can't imagine them ever losing that
right. They also feel the same way about me. 

'Acquaintances' do have to keep in touch and put some effort into
whatever relationship exists the same as I do (or do not). I also
expect common consideration and the rest of that good stuff. 

In time, and very slowly, some acquaintances become friends. Then,
it's OK not to call or write... 

-- Ron

    Well, I suppose that I'm one of those 'gardens'....  [and I feel guilty
    listening to you gardeners]
    
    I truly believe friends remain in your heart.  I think of my friends
    often; and when I finally write them and tell them so- I really mean
    it.  I think friends that are geographically close by should get my
    daily/trivial things (and I need these friends as an outlet--if some-
    thing funny happens to you, you gotta tell someone!) and my dear far
    away friends get more of my philosophical/emotional feelings as well
    as a few things that happened.  It's too hard to try to keep these
    far away friends up with what's happening and they don't understand
    the charactors or the plot.  But they are always in my heart and when
    I see them, time melts away.
    
    Unfortunately, I've "lost" friends because I have not written often
    enough (for them.)  I guess they feel that I didn't care enough.
    But part of being a friend is acknowledging and accepting differences.
    So to you gardeners out there, we care too but we express our caring
    differently.  Keep writing, if that's what you enjoy; if you're forced
    the friendship feels more like an obligation.
    
    2 weeks ago I met up with a friend that I hadn't heard from in 8 years;
    IT WAS GREAT!!!

    	Ron (.13),

    	Yes, I too often distinguish between friends and
    acquaintances.  In the situations I was referring to, I did
    consider these people 'friends'.  We were very close at one time, 
    and shared quite a bit.  I was told I was also considered a 
    'good friend'.  But over time, it became apparent that that had 
    changed.  Perhaps I was a bit naive in believing them, but I saw 
    no reason not to.  I gave it a chance...let some time go by, then 
    sent a quick note to say 'hi'.  When I got absolutely nothing back, 
    I knew it was time to let it go.  Luckily, this has only happened
    a couple of times.

    	Both friendships and 'acquaintance-ships' are important to me.
    My grandparents have a couple that they've been friends with for
    over 50 years, through hard times, distances, and good times.  I
    really respect and admire that.  I hope that I'm still in touch
    with some of my really close friends 50 years from now!!

    	Amy

    Gardeners or gardens, don't give up on a friendship too soon.  I
    am normally probably more of a gardener than a garden.  I've moved
    far away from my hometown and college, and my friends have moved
    as far, but in the opposite direction. 
    
    But there was a time in my life when the problems I was facing were 
    more than I could handle and were taking all my time and energies.  
    As a result I was the one who didn't respond to letters or Christmas 
    cards.  And a number of my friends from "olden days" dropped me from 
    their lists before all was done.  It took me four years to pull
    myself out of the pit I'd disappeared into, and then I renewed my
    efforts.  What a delight to hear from those friends again.  But
    I sometimes wonder if they would have ever tried again to reach
    me.  If not, I would miss them and the memories we share.
    
    Please, don't give up too soon.  Your friends may need you more
    than ever, and that could be why they're silent.
    
    Karen

    
.16>    Please, don't give up too soon.  Your friends may need you more
.16>    than ever, and that could be why they're silent.

	 sometimes friends are too afraid to ask for help when they
	 need it....they hide.....I know, I do it.....

	 k

    
    Ron (.13),
    
    Yes, I too make the same distinction between Friends and aquaintances.
    Friends are those people with which I've had a "soulness" - might
    have been immediate, might have been learned...but once it's happened
    they're too rare and precious to lose touch with (unless they want
    to lose touch with me!).
    
    But writing.....
    I must confess that I'm one of those who doesn't write letters.
    I hate writing. But that doesn't mean that I won't keep in touch - my
    natural medium is the phone, so if I get a letter from a Friend
    I'll usually call them immediately.
                  
    So although I feel that the medium for communication doesn't matter
    I do insist that it should be evenly two-way. If a Friend doesn't
    ever contact me first I'll usually bring it up in discussion and
    explain how it makes me feel i.e. not terrific. 
    *If* you've said to each other that you'll keep in touch then 
    both should take the time to phone or whatever. It's simple....
    don't commit to something you don't mean. If yo don't want to
    keep in touch, say so. 
    And if you change your mind about wanting to be in touch, be honest 
    and courteous enough to tell your Friend rather than let them go on 
    calling into a black hole.
    
    'gail
    

    	You may not write, but you're a helluva good typist and an
    	even better friend, Abbycat!  =8-)
    
    							Carla
    

    
    Carly,
    
    Was thinking of you when I wrote that one!
    
    Could you tell, my friend?
    (Of course you could - that's why you're my soul-net...)
    
    Abbycat