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Seems to me that "if it has left a scar on your relationship
(with him) that will last forever" you have not forgiven him, you
havent even expressed the anger you hold toward him yet. Expression
of any angry feelings is paramount and a pre-requisite to forgiveness.
If you're still angry with him, you have not, by any means, "forgiven
him".
I cant understand why action resulting from basic human needs
gets people so angry! Certainly a redirection of the action is in
order if it's "inappropriate", such as making a pass as someone
who they know damn well is "taken". But an angry response shows no
such understanding and probably has nothing to do with the action
itself, it was simply "touched off by it" from it's "hiding place".
Think about it.
Joe Jas
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| What options do you see, Kate, and, more importantly, how do
*you* feel about them? I can't say what you should or shouldn't
do; I've been in analogous situations, but what I did and didn't
do was based on how *I* felt about things and how I wanted them
to turn out. I'd be a bit wary of declarations that begin
"Well, Kate, I was in an identical situation and you should. . ."
I think the flaw in that suggestion is that the speaker *wasn't* in
an identical situation. . .(s)he wasn't you (nor living your life).
Maybe one good question to ask yourself, and talk over with your
husband is, "How would I like to see our relationships in the
future?" Offhand, it sounds to me as if part of your problem
here is that the situation feels unresolved; it sounds like you'd
like to do something but aren't sure which is the "right" something.
Talking it over might help clarify the issues and the alternative
resolutions.
Then too, I have a hunch that a few people in this conference can
offer some ideas and perspectives from the outside that might be
tough to see from the inside; these also may be good fodder for
thought and conversation with your husband.
From my own similar experiences, I'd offer this thought: your friend
does indeed sound lonely, but that's something over which you all
have very little control. What you *can* do (again, if it feels
like a fit to you) is let him know clearly what "friendship" means
to you - in the game model, you can let him know what your rules are
and what the consequences are when those rules are broken.
From your note, it sounds as if ignoring him isn't comfortable for
you (a least-desired outcome?); to ignore him is to leave the
wound unattended and it cannot close, heal, and, in time, have
the scar tissue become smaller. This suggests that some sort
of discussion with him would be a better direction, but just what
the exact path is ("civil", "heated", direct, indirect, alone,
with your husband) is something I cannot know for you.
Now, just to be self-contradictory, there is one thing I think
you "should" do. . .I think you should trust yourself - have
faith that you'll reach the right course of action. You care
enough about this to seek guidance and the experiences of others
in finding your "right" answer.
Steve
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| What should you do?
Seperate in your mind the different relationships involved: Your relationship
with your friend, Your relationship with your husband, your husband's
relationship with your friend.
Tell your friend how you feel about having a pass made at you (and the other
hidden agenda that you seem to have), and how you would want your relationship
to be. Either he will agree, or one or the other of you will stop seeing each
other.
Tell your husband how you feel about him going out all the time. Then it is his
responsibility to react how he feels about the situation. He might ignore you
and continue to go out, he might stop going out, he might talk about it. The
choice is up to him.
Jim.
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| RE:.3
Gail, The man is homely and unpopular. This is not judgement. It
is fact. It helps explain his feeling of low self-esteem. I am sor-
ry if you are angry. Excuuuuse me.
The man let me down when I needed him the most. Not by the verbal
pass. A way in which I would never get into in a notesfile.
I don't want to be friends with this man. I don't want to hurt him
either. As for my husband and myself, that's a different story.
My husband has the free will to do as he pleases. But, Gail, would
wou appreciate your best friend leading him down that path. For
example if your husband was an alcoholic wouldn't it hurt to see
your friend dangle beer cans in his face.
I think I will do what is stated in reply .4. Say how I feel and
what I expect with my husband there. Having someone come to my
house twice weekly for two years has made me feel out of touch in
my own home.
Thanks,
Kate
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| Re the "homely" comment: _My_ first reaction on reading it was that the
author of .0 was stating a reason why she did not accept his pass. In
that sense, it would be rather dubious thing to say, implying that if
he'd been better-looking she might have taken him up on it.
If, however, she was *not* describing his appearance by way of
justifying her refusal, but instead was mentioning it as a possible
explanation for why he might be lonely enough to proposition a friend's
wife, it doesn't seem quite so crude. (Whether he really *is* "homely
and unpopular" shouldn't be under discussion, I think, and isn't
relevant to the problem. The way the author of .0 percieves him is much
more relevant, and since she's met him and we haven't it seems a bit
rough to tell her she's being rude and unfair...)
As for the whole situation, I think the first couple of replies were
pretty sound advice. Sounds like more hostility here than one
provocative remark should generate...
-b
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