Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Steve, while I understand what you are saying about feeling that
    it is taking a risk to "any existing relationships ... however strong
    or shakey they may be" to date some other, I think that relates
    somewhat to that other NOTE in here on "the green-eyed monster"
    and, especially in the case of a casual or just beginning relationship,
    I don't feel possibilities of other "dates" are a risk, rather I
    feel they are more like my preventing myself from "putting all (my)
    eggs in one basket" (to use a popular cliche) to explore other options
    until the present one either develops into a more serious one (which
    still does not necessarily preclude "other dates" if that's what
    both agree to), or doesn't work out, which then doesn't leave me
    starting again from "ground zero".  However, I feel this is digressing
    somewhat from the original entry in this note.
    
    Bob, I can relate very well to what you are saying about the different
    situations that can/do lead to that "first date" with someone. 
    In my case, I find that it is easier for me to ask a lady for that
    "first date" after I have gotten to know her somewhat via whatever
    means.  Some ladies I have asked out I have gotten to know via the
    singles clubs I belong to either from getting to know something
    about them at one or more of that clubs' discussion groups or other
    activities, or at singles dances, where an interest in dancing is
    the initial common interest you drew a parallel to in hiking.  Seeing
    them at several dances, talking and dancing, we get to know something
    about each other and if I feel there are enough commonalities, I
    do ask them for a "date" and usually find that they also feel we
    have several things in common and readily accept the "date".  I
    also find NOTES and the other means we have as DECcies also lets
    me get to know something about someone (and them me) so that some
    common grounds provide the interest and basis for getting to know
    each other more by going out on a date to the type of places that
    provide the opportunity to talk and have fun at the same time
    (that's in a different NOTE in this conference, I know).
    
    In terms of your questions about responding, I make it a point to
    ALWAYS respond to a lady who puts effort into getting to meet me.
    I do this in whatever way is appropriate - if I get MAIL from someone,
    I make a point of answering it.  If I am at a dance and a lady asks
    me to dance, I will accept the invitation.  When the reverse situation
    exists (they don't respond to me), I will usually make a second
    attempt (allowing for something other than "me" preventing a response)
    but if that second try doesn't get a response, then I usually feel
    that they are not interested and I direct my efforts elsewhere.
    
    You initiated a very good topic, Bob.  I will find other RELPLYs
    to it interesting, I am sure...
    
    					Joe

    
    
    I think women are often just as likely to be playing the field or
    dating more than one person at a time, just that they tend to be
    a little more discreet about it..  
    
    Eagle.. I think gals often use a shot gun too.. just one with a
    silencer on it that is all!!! ;-)
    
    later, gailann
                                          
    
    

    Earlier this summer, I got up the nerve to ask a female co-worker
    for a lunch date, figuring that that was the least threatening form
    of a "date".  She turned me down, but because she had a steady
    boyfriend which of course I didn't know.  She did it politely, and
    I didn't hesitate in continuing to ask women for dates.  Eventually
    I found someone who said yes!
    
    So my advice is to go ahead and ask - but pick a situation that
    is not threatening to the one you ask.  A lunch date, a movie, play,
    etc. are all safe.  An expensive night on the town is not.  If you
    get turned down gently, then just move on.  If the turn down is
    not gentle, then you're better off anyway!
    
    What burns me though is what you go through to get a SECOND date,
    and I think I'll bring that up in another topic.
    					Steve

    The whole process isn't intrinsicly hard; any difficulty comes
    from one's fear of the unknown or of rejection.
    
    Once I had learnt how to ask girls out (the first time was very
    uncomfortable), I had no problem--I remember one evening when I
    was in college when I asked ten women out in a row and got
    rejected by all ten of them.  There was a important lesson there
    for me: it's not serious--you're just out for a date for an evening,
    it's not your whole life on the line!
    
    				-John Bishop

Suzanne & all:
    
    	I doubt person you might be interested in is ever going
    to start wearing a sign that says "I'm open for invitations from
    any of the following people:..."
    
    	I was turned down recently for a dinner invitation (already
    involved) from someone I met casually at a party and decided to
    take a chance.  Being turned down is never pleasant, but I'm not
    going to slash my wrists over it either.
    
    	In high school, I had a crush on a girl in my class.  I wasn't
    anywhere  near as dashing and confident in those days as I am now 
    [ 8-| {Wide-eyed straight face!} ] and I got rejected time after time. 
    (It wasn't just me... she didn't date in high school and barely in
    college.) When I was home recently, my mother suggested I call her. I
    don't think I'm up to that yet...
    
    	I have no objection to spending a few bucks and a couple of
    hours of my time to meet a new person.  My first "dates" in the
    last three months have been  $20 - $60 and 2 - 5(?) hrs.  Usually
    dinner & drinks.
    
    	The alternative is waiting for someone to come to you... and
    if you're male, it doesn't happen very often...
    
    						--D
    	

    In sales, job interviews, research  and such sequential endeavors,
    all you need is one "Yes".  The customers who left, the job offers
    not given, the failed experiments--they're just the "No"s you collect
    along the way.
    
    Or so a salesman-type once told me.  I don't like the idea enough
    to ever want to be in sales, but I see the application: you should
    not invest a lot of emotional energy into preparing to ask someone
    out, nor should you wait a long time before doing so.  Then a "No"
    won't bother you, and a "Yes" won't lead to premature pressure for
    a "relationship".
    				-John Bishop

    From the "What Color is your Parachute" book (I can't find the exact
    quote): You will get a "yes" after a certain number of "no"s. After
    each "no" you are one more closer to the eventual "yes".

    
    Having gone to an all-boy high school and then enlisted in the Navy,
    I was in my early twenties before I started "dating".  Some of my
    earliest attempts were quite hilarious, but the good news is that
    I hadn't developed any bad habits.  Returning to the Boston area
    I became active in some of the local folk dance groups.  One night
    at a Christmas party, a girl with whom I'd danced occasionaly but
    did not know, was talking 'round the punchbowl about going to the
    Handel's Messiah sing in Lexington.  Being attracted to her, I allowed
    as how I would be very interested in going to that and we made plans
    to get together.  When the scheduled event came, a blizzard shut
    down the public transportation and since we couldn't go together
    on my bicycle we spent the evening at her apartment and I ended
    on the couch for the night.  This was the beginning of a long and
    close relationship but it wasn't until several months later that
    she discovered that not only had I never sung the Messiah, but I
    couldn't even read music.             

    
    

    
       First dates are something I haven't really worried about in quite
    a while but also something I have worried about in the past. My
    stance is that finding someone that is askable usually happens when
    you least expect it. So does being asked. I have never gone though
    alot of trouble trying to get that first date becuase basicly I
    don't have alot of free time and also I am quite a layed back person.
      If I'm going to ask someone for a first date, I want to know them
    a little first but that isn't a hard lined requirement.
    
      Before I ask I usually wait until I have a good idea that I'll
    get a Yes. Getting that idea is not hard either. I don't like No's
    but like someone else said, it's one step closer to a Yes. 
    
      I find that going out to a quiet place for a couple of drinks
    for the first date is usually the best way to meet and get to 
    relatively know someone. Where you go on the first has an indirect
    effect on getting a second.
    
      PC

Some delayed small change...

I find that after a positive first encounter, chances of getting that first
date increase if you suggest it to be as soon as possible, and for
maybe something not-so-complex, or threatening (like lunch, or drinks
after work).  Of course, you may not be able to haul out all the
works to impress the other person in a short period of time, but
at least you have the foot in the door.

If you have to wait to rearrange schedules, etc, you start wondering
if all the scheduling overhead is worth it...

					--Gary