Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    
    I look for good conversation on a first date.  If you can't talk well
    together then not much is going to happen.
    
    I guess this is where the having things in common comes into play. 
    I've noticed that girls are really impressed when you can talk with
    them about something that they love.
    
    Nick
    
    

have you looked in STARCH::SINGLES much? There are a couple of notes on
topics like this... sorry I can't remember the exact note numbers.

Back to the subject...

Why are the questions asymetric for women/men? (Q3, Q5)

1. Attitude: somewhat sarcastic
   Style: anything but a cow-girl
   Conversation: Yes, it's always a good start.
   Dress: that depends on where we are.


2. I don't know, but it doesn't look like I've got much of it... :-)

3.

5. I hope that I don't WANT anything. I'm really happy if I end up with the
   feeling that both of us want to go on another 'date'.

4.

I'm not really big on dates. I find that I do better with someone if we're
forced to spend time together. (cliche alert) I tend to grow on people. Maybe
it's more that my confidence grows slowly, so that after a while I feel
comfortable around them; on a 'date' I usually feel under pressure to impress;
or under pressure to not do anything which may put them off wanting to get to
know me better (is there a contradiction in this?)


Trev

    Re-1 
    
    >Anything but a cow girl...
    
    You don't know what you're missing pal!
    
    Now to the question at hand.  
    
    I have a short little mental checklist I used to go through during and 
    at the end of a date with a woman.  It wasn't much, but it helped me 
    a lot.
    
    1) Is/was she dressed appropriate for the date?  You can tell a lot
    about a girls mind set by the way she dresses for a date.  And right 
    off you can tell if she has any commen sense (who wears an expensive 
    dress for a hike in the woods? Or a pair of wholey Levi's to an
    expensive dinner.)  
    
    2) Did I feel comfortable during the date?  How often did I feel I may
    have said/done something inappropriate unproper?  Was she the reason
    for these feelings (that is did she give me a strange glance, make a 
    comment?) Or did I catch myself doing it?  
    
    3) Did she seem comfortable talking with me? (making allowences for the 
    fact that it is the first or second date of course).  Did she attempt
    to make me feel comfortable during the conversation?
    
    These sound like small little things and hardly significant or worth 
    mentioning at first, but when you look beyond them you can tell if the 
    person is sensitive, warm, fun loving, if they enjoyed your company, 
    felt ill at ease with you, need more time to get to know you.  All
    kinds of things.  
    
    Now as to what I expect... not much more then a heartfelt thank you if 
    I pay for dinner.  Hopefully a second/third date if I enjoyed myself...
    and (I know shame on me) with any luck, and if she had a good time,
    some kind of indication that she's like a kiss goodnight...
    
    Otherwise, I tend to make a stumbling fool of myself trying to figure
    out if I should or shouldn't kiss her good night.  
    
    Skip

>	1. What do men (in-general) look for from a woman, in the way of
>		 atttuide, style, conversation, dress, etc...


    	I can't speak for "in-general", but for myself style and dress
    don't usually come into play that much, unless it's at some extreme.
    The kind of attitude I look for is someone who's comfortable and happy
    with herself and where she's at.  Someone who's easy to be with, and
    fun to be with.  Someone who likes to have a good time and in general
    has a good outlook on things.


    	Conversation?  I think a previous note hit it on the head, a lot of
    it depends on how much you have in common.  The first few dates are
    where you find out -- if both parties act according to their true
    natures -- if you have gross incompatibilities.  I say this because
    there have been times that I'd date someone for a while, and then all
    of a sudden they'd change, and I'm left wondering what's going on.
    When I asked, I was told that they were simply "hooking" me.  Not good!
    The truth will come out sooner or later.  Sure, there's nothing wrong
    with putting your best foot forward, but that's simply trying to show
    your best parts first, as opposed to showing something that's not
    really you.


>	2. What does a woman (in-general) look for from a man (see # 1)...


    	I think this is one of life's best kept secrets.  ;-)

	
>	3. For the Women: How do "YOU" act , what are you REALLY thinking 
>			before, during, and after the date ? 
>	4. Any other REAL thoughts and information ?


    	Same answer as #2.


>	5. For the Men: What do you want from your evening out ?
>				(no stupid jokes please...)
		

    	Just to have had a good time and spent a little time getting to
    know that other person.  Even if you see right away that it's not
    right, in my opinion you might as well make the best of it and try to
    have a good time anyway.  Otherwise, it really *will* be a waste of an
    evening.


    Brian

    Re- What does a woman look for in a man?
    
    I hear it's tight buns... but who knows... like the previous reply
    said, it's one of life's best kept secrets.
    
    Skip

	re.-1
    
>>    I hear it's tight buns... but who knows... like the previous reply
>>    said, it's one of life's best kept secrets.
    
	Skipper - no secret

	Everyone has different things that appeals to them.  I personally
	like broad shoulders and brains -  with long hair (of course)
	but a sense of humor is a must!

	hey, I couldn't care less for tight buns but some gals do...
	our uniqueness makes the world go round and life fun.


	enjoy your replies alot.

	Mikki

>	2. What does a woman (in-general) look for from a man (see # 1)...
>		 atttuide, style, conversation, dress, etc...
    
    He should dress comfortably.  We should do something that has no
    pressure, take in a movie, share dinner.  Nothing stilted, awkward, or
    forced.  Attitude is friendly, warm, accepting.  Style is relaxed.  The
    key is no expectations - and then it can just happen.  Expectations
    force people to act awkwardly, and they are often disappointed because
    the other person didn't read their mind. 
    
	
>	3. For the Women: How do "YOU" act , what are you REALLY thinking 
>			before, during, and after the date ? 
    
    I act a little outgoing.  If I don't really know the person, I may act
    a little quieter or pensive than I normally am as I think twice about
    saying certain things that leap to mind (often silly things I'm afraid
    someone might think I was stupid or a fluffhead for saying).  Before,
    I'll think about what we're going to do.  I'll think about what they
    enjoy and what I know about them and try to gear the conversation into
    those areas they're comfortable if the discussion lags too badly
    (facilitating, as it were).  During the date I just try to relax (I
    haven't really dated much in my life, I've only gotten into
    relationships).  Emphasis is on friendship with some light flirting,
    nothing heavy, no serious romance, no pressure.   
    Later on I wonder what they thought of me and usually kick myself a bit
    inwardly about saying something stupid, or doing something stupid, but
    hey, I'm human.  If he understood, he'll be in touch.
    
    

  Hey,, 

		I actually got some neat responses....
	
		I have another interesting question...

			Ok lets do a role play....

			Press of a button and **POOF***

			you've just changed roles and gender...



			Would you change any of your answers ?

    
    I add the following, which sounds cliche but it's what I would do,
    knowing what I know about how I think as a woman, and knowing how men
    I've spent time with have acted.
    
    As a man, I'd agree to meet her in a public place and spend the evening
    out with her.  I'd make sure to ask about her about her interests and
    learn about what makes her tick.
    
    I would never pressure her to go home with me, or to let me in for a
    "cup of coffee".  In fact, if I was at all uncertain, even if she invited
    me, I might wait until a second or third date for that.  There's plenty
    of time, but comfort can never be regained once you've run over someone
    else's safety/comfort boundaries.
    
    -Jody

    Mikki, Purple hair?  Really?!?!?!?!  Gee and I just dyed mine red... 
    hmmm where's that blue hi-liter at?  ;-).
    
    Actually... I tend to play on the "mysteries of females" mythos more
    then I should... but then again, who can ever be sure of what they do 
    or don't know about the opposite sex.  I once (out of curiousity) read 
    one of those "Everything you need to know about men" articles in Cosmo
    and laughed so hard at it I nearly passed out.  These are supposed to 
    be on typical males but to be honest, I never met one that worked the
    way they claimed in the article... So what I guess I'm saying is in 
    reality I tend to agree with you... It isn't really a mystery... it's
    just a matter of understanding a UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL. 
    
    Jody, (Gee havn't talked to you for a while) As a guy who has suddenly
    been turned into a girl (;-)).  I must admit that what you say makes
    good sense for a lot of varied reasons.  And would probably add them to 
    my list of things as a female.  I'd be much more at ease in a public 
    place like a resturant then "his" house for dinner on the first date.
    And would be appreciative of a chance to "think about it" before being 
    pressured to invite "him" in.  
    
    
    
    
    Skip
    

    
    Re: "tight-buns".......
    
    Gee, I was only looking for brains (ha, ha).
    
    -Lynn
    

    re.Note 1180.9  
    GNUVAX::BOBBITT 
     
    >There's plenty
    >of time, but comfort can never be regained once you've run over someone
    >else's safety/comfort boundaries.
    
    >-Jody
    
    I think it depends if someone accidentally steps over the line or
    runs over it roughshod without considering that there _is_ such a
    thing as a comfort zone/level/boundary. The first is excusable
    clumsiness, the second is inexcusable (choose your own word.)
    
    Then again, it depends on your hierarchy of values. To me 'trust'
    is more important than most other things in a relationship. I'm
    far less likely to regain trust, once lost, than 'comfort'. And
    far less likely to excuse even unintentional violations of my trust.
    Your mileage may vary.
    
    Dana