Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Jean,
    
    It was a shock hearing about what happened to Melissa Beniot, the thing
    is you can't trust anyone basically...look that was Beniot's neighbor
    that killed the poor girl for no reason.  As my mother always said to
    me "you have to keep your eyes on your children at all times, never let
    them out of your sight (young and pre-teen age) and I agree with her
    100%, she might have been extra cautious with me, and now that I am
    grown up I can see her point one hundred percent.
    
    
    
    Lynne

    
    Lynne,
    
    	Do you have children?  It's awfully difficult to keep them in your
    sight 100% of the time when you're working.  They go to school. 
    Melissa was in her own yard at the time of her abduction.  
    
    	Does that mean I shouldn't even trust my child care provider?  How
    can I leave my children there if I can't trust her?
    
    	
    jean

    Jean,
    
    I dont have children.....yet ;-) but when I was growing up mom did not
    work, she was always there.  I know that is how she kept an eye on my
    brother and i.  It is scarey though, especially with working moms, you
    do have to trust your children and hope for the best.  With day care I
    guess it is a risk you take, you can get the most fantastic sitter or
    you can get a kook.  I know Melissa was in her own yard with the
    abuduction took place, that is the scary thing, the NEIGHBOR did it,
    someone that was trusted in the neighbor hood, someone that Melissas
    mother trusted.  It is a shock, it hard to explain why it happened. 
    It is just sad thats all........
    
    
    Lynne

    
      It is possible to trust people.  I rely to a point on my own
    instincts and ability to read people.  I will usually listen to
    my own feelings before I will listen to somebody else saying
    "Don't trust him/her".  My daughter is only a year old and I have
    encouraged her to be receptive to people she does not know becuase
    thats the way I am myself.  As she grows older I will begin to teach
    her to be carefull about who she talks to and how she talks to them.
    One thing that I absolutly refuse to do is bring my child up in
    fear!  There is a time and a place for fear and it is an intelligent
    recaction to many situations,  But you cannot let it govern your
    life or your childs life.  Don't be afraid to trust.  But be
    intelligent about it.  Trust only to a degree and teach your children
    the same.  But please do not live in or bring your children up on
    fear where it is not needed.
    
    John C.
    

    First there was the Charles Stuart case,
    then the case where the Hampton Falls (?) woman killed her husband
    Now this.
    
    It really shakes my faith in people when I hear about "model"
    citizens doing such awful things.  Who can you trust now?
    
    kath

    The people who aren't models.
    
    	Jon

    Unfortunately, the world is still a somewhat dangerous place (as it has
    always been).  We just hear more about them these days with TV's and all
    that.
    
    I am a very independent person; however, I also think it is an
    illusion to believe that we can survive without trusting someone. 
    Therefore, I think the healthest attitute towards life is the "It won't
    happen to me" attitute.  Well, maybe "Trust but verify", or some
    Russian proverb like that...
    
    Eugene

    Jean, it is a sad and shocking thing to have happen to you. Even just
    living in the neighborhood it seems to hit closer to home. I don't live
    there, but I feel horrified. The point is that you do have to have some
    trust in the people around you. Workers, friends, relatives neighbors. 
    Don't put blind faith in these people. Get to know them. Most people I
    know are fairly good judges of character. You can't always know for
    sure and that's my point. You can't let that stop you from having faith
    in people. 99% of the people you meet in life will be trustworthy to
    the degree that you need to have to deal with them.
    
    One of the hardest things I ever did was put my 15 year old daughter on
    a plane to Europe last year. I met the chaperone for the trip. Amy's
    French teacher, We parents had several meetings with him and still I
    couldn't be 100% sure. I still had enough faith in her to let her go
    and enough faith in him to allow her to accompany him. I survived with
    a few more grey hairs and she, thank the Creator, also survived and had
    the time of her life. 
    
    You gotta trust.
    
    Phil

    
    
    re the Mellissa Benoit murder.  Yes the neighbor was charged with
    he murder.  However, the body has not been identified.  How come he
    was charged and not his wife?  How could his wife not have know that
    there was a body buried in the basement of her house?  The details
    of this case are yet to be released.  I am not saying that this man
    is not the one who did it, but I am not saying that he is either.
    This is just to strange to believe yet.  
    
    re trust.  It is something that has been lost in today's society.
    No longer do children grow up with extended families.  No longer
    do the neighboorhood parent's have the "authority" they once had.
    When I was growing up, all of the parent's on our street could
    discipline anyones child.  And you bet we listened to them when
    they did so.  If someone's mom or dad were late coming home from
    work that child would be taken into another neighbor's house until
    such time that the parent arrived.  This just does not exist anymore
    in today's society.  It truly is sad.  
    
    I can remember spending summers on the Cape.  Every person on that
    beach knew who I was and I knew who they were.  We could go to the
    beach by ourselves because there was always a parent present.  It
    did not necessarily have to be one of mine.  
    
    The economy of today practically requires both parent's to work.  No
    longer is there mom out at the park with the kids.  Now it is the
    daycare provider out at the park with a group of kids who are not
    related by blood.  
    
    The breakdown of the family unit really has caused alot of
    confusion.  The kids don't trust the grownups due to this.  Society
    is still afraid of the single parent family, especially if it is
    headed by a father.  Society is still afraid of gay and lesbian
    parents and their kids.  The norms of 20 years ago no longer exist.
    All of this has caused great confusion.  More and more women are
    having careers instead of families.  With all of this confusion
    comes the need to protect what one sees as familiar.  
    
    I also feel that most of the trust has been lost due to the high
    level of violence that has been allowed to continue at the public's
    expense.  We are taught as children not to talk to strangers, not
    to get in anyone's cars that we do not know, not to accept any food
    from anyone we do not know.  We are taught to mistrust people from
    the very beginning.  Our legal system also discourages trust.  It
    does not work.  If you see someone getting beat up, walk away, do
    not get involved.  Is is right?  Or is it worth being sued?  If you
    see someone will the perpetrators come after you??  American's
    are SUE happy.  If you are choking and someone helps you, but you
    are damaged from their actions, they can sue you.  So it is much
    easier to stay away than get involved.  The worst part about this is
    that the legal system allows the abusers to get away with the violence.
    If it worked as it was set up to do so, we would be in a much more
    peaceful place.
    
      
    
    

    
    Having two children, this is an issue that does bother me.  I have one
    who is about as outgoing and naive as they come.  And it does scare me.
    
    I remember one line from the Adam Walsh movie.  The father was talking
    about how he had taught his son to respect his elders, to be good, to
    be kind, had tried to teach him all the good things.  Then the line
    that sticks with me "But I never taught him how to scream".
    
    After seeing that movie, I sat both my boys down and told them that if
    someone was doing something to them they didn't like that they were to
    scream, yell, kick, bite, whatever.
    
    This morning, when the news I watch gave this story, the story just
    before it was about a 5-year old boy that had foiled an abduction
    attempt by biting the person in the face.
    
    I just don't know.  I guess it boils down to trusting whoever you
    believe in as your higher power.
    

    You can't even trust parents not to abuse children... 
    
    all you can do is provide them with enough knowledge to give them
    the confidence to "Say NO to strangers", to scream etc and to tell you
    when they have been frightened or abused...
    
    but not so much knowledge that they are scared...
    
    
    
    Xtine

    My reply would be to trust everyone, but double-check. And if 
    there's a nagging little voice at the back of your head, check
    ASAP.

    
    About the screaming part...
    
    a lot of people hear screaming children all the time.  That's part
    of their play routine.  I've told my children that if they feel
    threatned by someone who is trying to either take them into a car or
    trying to touch them in any way, to SCREAM "FIRE"!!!  Usually, when
    people hear someone, even a child, screaming fire, they'll come
    running.  At least I heard this and thought it made sense so that's
    what I've told them.
    
    As for the Melissa Benoit case... now the police have gotten a warrant
    to dig up the yard.  I guess it's believed there may be another body.
    
    And, I believe that yes, they have positively identified Melissa, but
    they haven't released any information on the cause of death.  Which may
    mean that the body was so bad, it's not possible to determine.
    
    And this guy who has been arrested, has pleaded "innocent" and says he
    "doesn't remember anything."
    
    I still believe you can't trust everyone.  However, I'd like to believe
    you can trust most people, but how do you KNOW which is the one you
    can't?????  Instinct, maybe, but that's a long shot.  It's just so
    scarey.
    
    Sometimes I really believe that TV is demoralizing our society and
    actually numbing it.  Is it really necessary to have those stupid
    slasher type movies around?  And the kids think they're so neat.  
    Don't you think that sometimes reality mimics tv?
    
    Sorry, I'm still confused and torn about this thing.  I don't quite
    know why it's hit me so hard.
    
    
    jean  

    More sad news when I woke up this morning.  Another body was found in
    that horrible man's home.  And they are sure the first body found was
    Melissas. 

    Just as sad, think of this man's family and what cruelty they may
    have to bear because of his alleged actions.  They, too, will be
    victims of the crimes he may have committed.  The big difference
    is that they will bear the scars for a long time after the public
    has forgotten about the incident.
    
    Barb

RE:< Note 1077.13 by MLCSSE::LANDRY "just passen' by...and goin' nowhere" >


    
 >    Sometimes I really believe that TV is demoralizing our society and
 >   actually numbing it.  Is it really necessary to have those stupid
 >   slasher type movies around?  And the kids think they're so neat.  
 >   Don't you think that sometimes reality mimics tv?
  
   I've felt for a long time that TV and movies are indeed numbing some
   people in our society.  I know we can't "ban" these movies or TV programs
   and it would seem that the only way to discourage them from making them
   would be for people to stop seeing them.  Unfortunately they are the big
   money makers so I doubt the producers will stop on their own.  I won't take
   my kids to see them, and they won't watch them on my TV, but my ex and I
   have differing opinions on the impact of television on the kids..so now I'm
   trying to channel their interests elsewhere.

  
   > Sorry, I'm still confused and torn about this thing.  I don't quite
   > know why it's hit me so hard.
    
    
   I first heard of this guy's arrest and the discovery of the body while driv-
   ing home night before last.  I was shocked to the point that I almost pulled 
   off the road.  The first pain I felt was for the mother, who a year ago lost
   her husband, and who had seemed so hopeful of finding her alive, then I felt
   the anguish that she must have felt that while all the searching was going on
   she was laying dead right next door.  And then I thought about the horror 
   the victim must have gone through at the hands of a neighbor whom she might
   have liked and trusted.  And then I thought of my own young sons, 14 and 7.
   The 14 year old who trusts everybody,and the 7 year who loves life so much.
   And the fact that they live in a rural setting, get off the school bus and
   walk home on a street where most people work during the day, and most homes
   are far enough off of the street that anything taking place on the street is
   likely to not be seen.  And I've been worried about them constantly since 
   this came out.


   I guess we have to teach them to trust, that all people they come in contact
   with are not molesters and murderers.  But everyday you read about more and
   more "trusted" people doing horrible things to our kids..

   
Jim

    On my way to work this morning the news said that when police called to
    notify that they would search the house, the wife said "you'd better
    bring a shovel", also that he had been investigated years ago for
    allegedly molesting his own daughter, but that no charges were pressed!
    
    If she didn't know, she certainly must have had a strong suspicion!
    
    Besides, buried in the cellar for a week, wouldn't there have been
    an odor....GROSS!!!! 

    It was only a few years ago now, that the youth minister in the
    church I was brought up in was caught molesting some young
    girls in the church.  Certainly this caused some real confusion in
    the minds of these young girls... he was a person to be respected
    and trusted {in theory at least}
    
    The church's solution was to move him to the midwest... he had
    begged their forgiveness and promised it would never happen again.
    Turns out later, this was neither the first nor second incident 
    involving him, his wife was 13 when he molested her and she became
    pregnant... the church forced his hand into marrying her.
    
    I will live with this one on my mind for the rest of my life, because
    when I was ready to pursue getting him dealt with, I let the
    elders in the church convince me they would handle it properly.
    To them properly was just getting him out of sight to somewhere else.
    I worry about what he has gone on to do... sigh.

    
    The night before last an 11 year old girl was raped whilst in a
    hospital here in the UK.
    
    The newspaper coverage that I read said that one of the most shocking
    things about this was that hospitals are one of the few places that
    parents feel that it is categorically safe to leave their children.
    
    I am still so shocked that I find it hard to articulate a 
    personal opinion about this. 
    
    'gail
    

 Re.18>>..was a person to be respected and trusted {in theory at least}..
   
 A friend of mine who moved to the west coast about six days ago from a 
 new england town told me a shocking thing just before she left.
 One night we were talking while she was packing and she said..
      " xyz is a ****ing child molester.." 
 So I asked her why she said that and she went "I know becuase that person
 sexually molested me.." 
    She was adopted when she was an infant from a south-american nation by
 a very "waspish new england family." As matter of fact I was told that one of
 the adoptive parents is a university professor, the other is a professional 
 of some sort. The family seems very normal from the outside. Besides the
 professor one family member is an MD, another was someone who volunteered 
 for social work in an overseas nation, another is a college grad etc..
 She was sexually molested when she was a child growing up within what
 she thought was an ideal family setting in comparison to the family she was
 adopted from. I met her a few months before she moved and she told me
 about the molestation just a few days before her departure from new england. 
 She is only 19 and her psyche seems to have been damaged beyond repair(?) by
 the experience she described. She never told me but I'm pretty sure she will
 have some difficulties around the issue of trust in her future relationships
 with other people. But I hope I'm wrong.  
  
  FaZari.