| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 1049.1 | time | PARITY::R_ELWELL | Dirty old men need love, too. | Tue Jul 31 1990 12:39 | 15 |
| There is an old saying, that "Before you meet your handsome prince you
have to kiss a lot of toads". You have to give the situation some
time, otherwise you have no chance at all of meeting someone. My wife
has a cousin who never met the girl of his dreams until he was over 30.
And I don't think he was urgently searching for someone, he was just
open for the opportunity when it came along. Give it some time, be open
to the possibilities, and don't wait till you find the "perfect"
person, because nobody is perfect. Be able to tolerate other people's
faults. This obviously doesn't mean consider everybody. There
definitely a lot of real jerks out there, too.
But just keep hoping..........8-)
....Bob
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| 1049.2 | ... so little time. | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | Don't panic -- yet. | Tue Jul 31 1990 15:11 | 7 |
| There are over 5,000,000,000 people in the world. Over 2,000,000,000
of them are men. Even if you restrict yourself to the United
States of America, there are over 100,000,000 men.
Some of them are bound to be more than suitable!
Ann B.
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| 1049.3 | All good things are worth waiting for !! | BOOZER::OCOY | No Scotoma's here | Tue Jul 31 1990 15:12 | 15 |
| Ditto 1.
These things just happen, and I'm afraid the more you search, the more
disappointments come along. My husband didn't meet me until he was
29/30, although he'd been engaged for 7 years (thank goodness he took
his time (;^).
My sister has been searching for Mr Right for a long time now (she's
37), and I sometimes wonder if perhaps - her expectations are a bit ..
out of reach. My advice to my sister is: don't be too critical, we all
have our faults.
Best wishes to your friend.
Sarah
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| 1049.5 | | BPOV04::BRIOSO | | Tue Jul 31 1990 17:12 | 4 |
| Re: 4
Another myth continues
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| 1049.6 | | QUARK::LIONEL | Free advice is worth every cent | Tue Jul 31 1990 17:12 | 13 |
| Yes, but how many men are there in Germany, where Carina, and presumeably
her friend, are from?
A lot of people hold tightly onto the myth that there is a Mr. (or Miss)
Right. In reality, there are thousands of potential lifetime partners out
there with whom you would be perfectly happy. It's just a case of keeping
your eyes and heart open enough to find that initial match. And you may
even find several over time. But being frantic because you don't think
you've found "the perfect soulmate" yet is a sure way to keep yourself
miserable.
Steve
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| 1049.7 | Are you sure, Steve? These are statisitics, they don't lie :-) :-) | RTL::PELLEGRINO | Bob Pellegrino | Tue Jul 31 1990 18:07 | 55 |
| Let's see, if there are 100,000,000 men in the U.S., how many are actually
reasonable to choose from...
Let's split the age ranges first into thirds. 0-20, 20-40, 40-60. Presume that
for any given woman, it is only reasonable to marry someone in one of these
three ranges (ignore May-December marriages). So we're down to 33,000,000 men.
Figure about half are married. 16,500,000.
About a quarter of them are physically unattractive to you. 12,375,000.
About a quarter of them are unattracted to you. 9,281,250.
About 3 quarters are geographically unavailable to you. 2,320,312.
About half are seeing someone else. 1,160,156.
About a quarter of them are jerks (just ask any woman). 870,117
About a quarter of them are financially unattractive. 609,082.
About half of them are intellectually unattractive. 304,541.
Your parents will approve of about a quarter of them. 76,135.
About a quarter of them will share your interests and values. 19,033.
About a third of them can be faithful to you. 6,281.
About a quarter of them are sexually compatible with you. 1,570.
About a tenth of them are gay. 1,413.
About half of them are emotionally mature enough for love and marriage. 706.
About half of them are not too tall or too short. 353.
About 2 percent are priests or felons serving time. 346.
About two thirds speak your language. 228.
About 5 percent have obnoxious pets. 217
About half are religiously compatible (priests don't count). 108.
About 5 percent have some sort of communicable disease. 103.
About half of these will call you back when they say they will. 51.
About half of these you'll *want* to call you back! 25.
So that's it-- 25 men, 100,000,000 women. Makes me look better and better,
eh ladies? :-) :-) (Actually, I think I was eliminated somewhere around
the obnoxious pets category!)
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| 1049.9 | | WR1FOR::HOGGE_SK | Dragon Slaying...No Waiting! | Tue Jul 31 1990 19:37 | 29 |
| Tell her to relax and enjoy herself. Heck although I am currently
involved with someone there's still no way to tell if it will continue
on or eventually die off and fade away. When it comes to "affairs
of the heart" there are no sure things. I'm 34 now, I was married
widowed married and divorced I've been in love several times over
and had my heart broken, as well as breaking a few on the way.
I just now got to where I realized that if it's going to happen,
then it will. If not worrying about it or trying to make it happen
is not going to do anything except give me ulcers and nightmares.
So I enjoy what I have and if it works out in the future great...if
not, well... one thing I really have learned is that it may take
a while but eventually there is always someone else who comes along.
Oh as to the stats on available men... the majority fall in the
25 - 45 age range. After that... they either start getting married
or dieing off. So I figure I have 11 more years before I either
get "hitched" or struck by lightning....;-)
Meanwhile... I enjoy what I have and don't worry about it. All
this big deal I hear every once in a while about "biological clocks"
is a minor consideration if you ask me. And if that is her concern...
tell her that one of the gals who works here with me is 36, and
very pregnant. She already has two teenage daughters and now this
one. So far everything is going quiet well, and from what she's
said... there is a little more extra care on the part of the doctors
but so far she is perfectly healthy and the baby is developing nicely.
(She's 6.5 months along now)
Skip
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| 1049.10 | "A guide to beating Bob's odds" :-P | COBWEB::SWALKER | lean, green, and at the screen | Tue Jul 31 1990 19:51 | 51 |
| Ergo, if you want to increase your chances of meeting "Mr/Ms Right",
you could start by expanding the number of them out there, .7 style
(note that the statistics in .7 applied specifically to men, but hey,
if medical testers think that studies based on men can be applied
equally to women, then you can apply the statistics to either sex):
Base number supplied by .7: 25.
Quit worrying about what your parents might think (multiply by 4): 100.
Don't worry about their height (multiply by 2): 200.
Learn foreign languages (multiply by 1.5): 300.
Develop a tolerance for obnoxious pets (multiply by 1.053): 316.
Of course, eliminating these four factors would still put you in
competition for that pool of men generally considered "acceptable"
(Developing an attraction to convicted felons serving time, on the
other hand, would increase your chances of finding someone more that
.7 would indicate). But don't despair! You can increase your chances
still further without learning to lure men away from the priesthood if
you use the advanced technique of "defect pooling":
Axiom 1. If they can't stay faithful to you, they are almost always jerks.
Assuming that the categories in .7 were independent - i.e., that
1/4 of men are jerks regardless of how faithful they could be -
you can reverse the order of these without disturbing the validity
of the statistics. Now, the key here is to notice that more than
1/3 of the men you'd class as jerks would also probably not be
faithful, which means that .7 eliminated them twice. Figure that
about half the jerks cannot be faithful. Multiply by 1.125: 355.5.
Now, this is tough. What do you do about that half person? If the
bulk of your close male relatives (third cousin or closer) live in your
geographical region, round down. If not, round up.
Axiom 2. If they don't share your interests and values (that's an
_and_, not an _or_, right?), they are intellectually unattractive.
Multiply by 1.25: 444.
Axiom 3. If they're gay, they're not attracted to you. (Obviously,
this one assumes you are heterosexual). 483.
Axiom 4. If they're religiously incompatible, they don't share your
interests and values. 966.
Not so bleak after all, is it? And remember, if those 100 million women
are "all trying for" 25 (sure, *which* 25 varies, but all the women like
you will be trying for the same 25), you've got 941 to yourself.
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| 1049.11 | No more statistics, please! :^) | LDYBUG::GOLDMAN | Just open your heart & your mind | Wed Aug 01 1990 00:27 | 34 |
| Oh sure, I go to take a break from working on my statistics
homework and studying for my exam, and I open up to read .7! Gee,
thanks a bunch, Bob! ;^P (And we all know just how easy it is to
manipulate/interpret statistics, don't we?! :^) )
Seriously though, like Steve I don't believe there is *one*
"Mr/Ms Right" for each of us. I think we probably meet people all
the time that we could be quite happy with. Sometimes the timing
just isn't right (involved with someone else, just not ready to
commit to a relationship, whatever) and sometimes things seem like
they should be right but one thing or another is missing. And even
if someone does seem perfect, that's no guarantee they'll be perfect
forever. (Thus the many "right" people idea.) Hopefully, two people
can grow and develop together and stay "right" for each other for a
long time, but in truth, it just doesn't always work out that way.
There's another saying when it comes to relationships that
goes something along the lines of "don't look and you shall find".
I honestly believe that. When you are busy making your own life,
involved in activities that you enjoy, getting out and having fun,
you are so much more likely to meet someone. And chances are they
are doing some of the same things you are, so you have things in
common. But you have to be relaxed about it, and not think "ooh...
is he/she *THE ONE*??" as soon as you meet someone. That puts too
much pressure on the relationship from the start.
My advice would be to just relax and enjoy life. Be open to
the possibility of a relationship, but don't make it an all-
consuming worry. Get to know people without focusing on the "is
this Mr Right?" idea. And don't let societal pressures to be
"coupled" get to you - it's really okay to be single!
:Amy
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| 1049.12 | Just a few new thoughts ... | RTOEU::TVANDIJCK | | Wed Aug 01 1990 08:56 | 53 |
|
Thank you very much for answering.
There are a lot of very good suggestions.
Another question:
Can anyone here imagine the following situation:
Just imagine one colleague who is at your age, slim
(you're not, but loosing weight through a diet) and has
already found her "husband" whom she will marry soon.
Can you imagine that a woman with a strong background,
that means with a relationship only being brother-sister-like
and many struggles (though being good companions now and still
living together but only as companions - this was n o t
intended at the beginning !!!!) feels very sad as the colleagues'
marriage comes near resp. is over. Everytime you hear her
speak about this wonderful husband, always smiling - always
happy and you think : Well, I just thought I have no illusions anymore
going to work, coming home, cleaning the appartment and sometimes
going to the cinema that's probably your life - don't expect
more and now after having made the experience with your colleague
you suddenly wake up and say - I am young, why should I feel
comfortable with this situation I have at the moment. I am
not less value than her why shouldn't I change my opinion
and try to change my life so that I can be as happy as
she is now ? So you get back to your romantic dreams, mixed
up with the experiences you made already and you try to
mix a new "cocktail" for your new life.
Can anyone imagine that a collegues' wedding changes so much
your life, that you suddenly begin to think :" That's not the
way you should continue your life ..." ???
C.
P.S. Forgot to mention that it is not easy to know that
you are commitment-minded and mature enough for
a real relationship but there is no one you can
live your life with, making him feel comfortable,
support and love him. Your good intentions are worth
nothing, because you just can not use them in reality.
Knowing there are a lot of people searching for s.o.
commitmend-minded, faithful etc. that's really paradox ...
You just have to believe in destiny, may be you'll
meet him (not Mr. Right, but at least Mr. Acceptable and
Mr. Caring) or you'll don't meet him ... It's like
a lottery. My mother plays since 30 years and
never won. But what is money comparing to a good
working relationship and marriage ...
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| 1049.13 | love yourself!!! | ASDS::BARLOW | | Wed Aug 01 1990 14:13 | 28 |
| Wow! I'm not sure I understand your english, but your friend sure
sounds depressed! I have several suggestions for you :
1. You're never to old to fall in love and get married. My neighbor
is a beautiful, slender, intelligent 39 year old woman. She was first
married when she was 22 and that lasted 6 months. After that she met
idiot after idiot. She finally decided to never get married. Then at
36, she met her husband. They got married when she was 37 and they're
a really happy, loving couple.
2. Perhaps what your friend should do is focus on herself. Get to
love herself. Spend time increasing her knowledge, building physical
stength; emotional strength... I think, that an attractive person is a
happy person who is pleased with themselves. If she feels overweight,
she'll look overweight; if she feels sexy, she'll look sexy. If
religion is important to her, join a church; politics, join a campaign;
fitness, join a club ... Whatever. Just keep active and mentally
stimulated. Don't give up on life because you don't have a man! A
husband is great but to me, my husband is two people in one : my lover
and my best friend. That can be replaced by two people. So cultivate
a friendship and that will fill much of the emotional need. And there
are many ways to solve the physical need. (working out alot is one
safe way!)
I hope I've helped. Good luck and think HAPPY!!!
Rachael
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| 1049.14 | | LEAF::C_MILLER | | Wed Aug 01 1990 14:31 | 24 |
| I think the colleague's impending marriage is making your friend
realize for the first time EXACTLY what she wants...to be planning a
wedding too. If it upsets her enough, then this should be a good
incentive for her to get on with her life and do something about it.
Instead of being depressed that it isn't HER up at the alter, she
should channel this negative energy into doing something about it
constructively.
If her past relationship with a S.O. went on for a long time (more than
a year) than it is VERY hard to jump back into dating without
incredibe expectations. I think it is natural she got depressed after
her first match up with the marriage broker. Who wants to "look
around" when you've already had something steady and didn't have to
work for it.
As everyone else has mentioned, she has to change the way she thinks
about herself, for only then will she project a positive self-image and
men will be drawn to her. Joining a club, taking up a hobby, even
seeking out a support group where there will be no rejection/pressure
placed on her single status will help incredibly.
Just my 2 cents...
C
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| 1049.15 | echo | PARITY::R_ELWELL | Dirty old men need love, too. | Wed Aug 01 1990 16:35 | 4 |
| Actually, along with my own .1, #'s .6, .9, .11, & .13 echo the same
kind of things said in different ways.
....Bob
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| 1049.16 | Lies, Damned Lies, Statistics | ERIS::CALLAS | You can use your head if you want to | Wed Aug 01 1990 20:11 | 6 |
| re .11:
Then Amy, why don't you take a break from your stat homework by
exposing the fallacies in .7?
Jon
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| 1049.17 | Ya know how the ol' saying goes! | FSHQA2::LSIGEL | My dog ate my briefcase | Fri Aug 03 1990 16:50 | 7 |
| There is someone for everyone!
Keep the faith!
Lynne
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| 1049.18 | :-) | BIGRED::GALE | Ditto | Fri Aug 03 1990 17:44 | 5 |
| RE: .7
Hey Bob, how many of that number is in each state, and each city?
Gale - who wonders if any of those single men are in Texas?
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| 1049.19 | | WR1FOR::HOGGE_SK | Dragon Slaying...No Waiting! | Fri Aug 03 1990 19:28 | 5 |
| Gale... I gotta a lot of single male cousins in Texas...
Some of em' are even intelligent!
Interested?
Skip
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| 1049.20 | | QUARK::LIONEL | Free advice is worth every cent | Fri Aug 03 1990 19:33 | 3 |
| But they're all named Bubba, right, Skip?
Steve
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| 1049.21 | re .20 | SA1794::CHARBONND | in the dark the innocent can't see | Fri Aug 03 1990 20:50 | 1 |
| No, there's Slim, and Tex, and Hombre, and Podner...
|
| 1049.22 | | WR1FOR::HOGGE_SK | Dragon Slaying...No Waiting! | Fri Aug 03 1990 23:02 | 5 |
| He you guys must know them huh?
;-)
Skip
|
| 1049.23 | | SX4GTO::HOLT | Robert Holt ISVG West | Sun Aug 05 1990 20:34 | 2 |
|
Tell her to get a dog.... much more rewarding...
|
| 1049.24 | my $.02 | AIMHI::RAUH | Home of The Cruel Spa | Tue Aug 07 1990 22:00 | 24 |
| Sometimes one can be over critical about what they want in an S.O.
They ponder and pine away the hours to make up their mind that
the men/women around them are nothing to write home about. Well what
maybe the problem here is that your girlfriend maybe sending out the
wrong signals. Bad vibs, bad arroa what ever. Not a good PMA. Then
life becomes like the programers slang, garbage in garbage out.
So have your girlfriend take a look at her attitude. I see alot of
this wish list crud in the singles files with folks making up things
about themselves that are either under sold or over sold about
themselves. Its tough, nothing you can do about it. Life stinks
sometimes. But if you look for that someone who views themselves as
an average person, a #5 in life looks and attudes you mayfind that
this maybe the best match. For these folks are stable individuals
who go to work every day, pay the bills and put a roof over their
heads. This doesn't sound exciting but in the long run, your going
to do much better. You never find Mr. Right, the night in shining
armor. They exist in utopia, gotta settle for the folks in life that
your not doing some emotional supressions to exist with. No such
thing as the perfect match. And when you meet people who seem that
way, remember still waters run very deep, and they maybe putting
on the worlds biggest front. Guess thats the best. Like the dog
idea, execpt you can't take them to watch a good baseball game.
George
|