Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Try getting rid of the anger by acting out your vengeance in your
    mind.  Visualize what you'd like to do, feel it and then let it go.
    
    Another means is write the individual a letter, let everything out
    on the page and then tear it up.
    
    By the time you have used these and/or other methods, you will
    probably have thought the situation through and realized the
    intensity of the situation has decreased.  Also, in the meantime
    you may have become a bit more relaxed and more objective.
    
    
    Liz

      I agree with .1 - acting out the "he said, then I said" in your
      mind helps a lot. I also write long letters pouring out my
      feelings then leave it for a few days. When I look at it again I
      am able to delete it and let the anger go.

      I have had moments when I surprise myself at how totally and
      viciously I can hate someone (I tend to be a bit on the passionate
      and emotional side) for a brief period of time. Then it's over and
      I can be a normal human being again and feel a bit silly over how
      I was feeling.

      NEVER let yourself confront the object of your passion while in
      this state. You can NEVER unsay something you've blurted out in a
      moment of hot rage. There is a saying "revenge is a dish best
      eaten cold" which, I suppose, means you can be more deadly once
      you've had time to think about it - In my case just waiting till
      the initial rage wears off usually means I no longer feel the need
      for revenge and can deal with the situation on a more rational
      level. liesl

    I usually go to my Health Club and let off ***steam*** with a good
    workout and aerobics. That ususally gives me time to cool off and think
    alot more clearly. I've learned from experence never to say anything
    while mad because it can be something you may regret saying when you've
    had time to "cool off".
    
    There have been times when I've really been stepped on and usually I
    never trust the person again even though I might still be on freindly
    terms. I'm really not the vengeful type. But....I really love it when
    a person who is always hurting others get a taste of their own
    medicine.

If you can afford the consequences, punching the person in the nose 
is very effective. I stopped doing that a very long time ago :-).

Just as good is breaking something - preferably, producing the most
noise combined with the least expense. This, BTW, is so much fun one
needn't limit it to rage dispersal incidents - it's just as
satisfying on its own. 

Another ruse is to lock oneself in the family room and turn the
stereo volume WAY up, playing something bombastic. 1st movement of
Tchaikovsky's Symphony #6 is good. Also, try the overture to Verdi's
'Force of Destiny'. 

-- Ron 

    
    Used to be a time that I'd go to the gun club and start in on 
    skeet (clay birds) after the third box of shells in a 12 guage
    the pain in the shoulder usualy won out over the rage.  My average
    was 18 out of 25, when really pissed 24 out of 25.  it certainly
    meets the requirements the author or .4 suggests loud, violent,
    action, and something gets it!!!
    
    Another saying:  
    He who serves revenge digs two graves.  This is can't win thinking.
    
    My preference: 
    Don't get revenge, get ahead!
    
    john
    
    

    The way I deal with bad feelings is to go to karate class and kick
    and punch and punch and kick and yell and basically go nuts until
    I realize that there are people on this planet who wish that they
    had the ability to work out at a gym. 
    
    Then I get kinda mellow.
    
    That usually lasts a couple of hours followed by "Oh yeah, she'll
    never find anybody as {you fill in the blanks} as me." I usually
    have that thought process running through my head immediately after
    a break-up and that fuels me on to new heights in professional and
    personal development. 
    
    Then I look at myself in the mirror, don't like the look in my eyes
    and tell myself to grow up.
    
    This didn't happen to me recently....nah :-)
    
    Jeff

	For me, anger usually disquises Fear... so to start with I write
	out the fears behind the anger/resentment...  something usually like 
	this:

	"I am resentful at Mr X because he did not say hello to me today.
	I have fear that Mr X doesn't like me; I have done something 
	wrong; he doesn't value me; i'm a bad person; he will leave me
	and i will be alone...."

	And on and on until all the feelings are out on paper - no matter
	how silly it sounds.  And believe me some of what I feel is really 
	silly, but I feel it so it's real for me.  This makes me aware of 
	what I am really feeling behind the resentment.

	Then I stop the replays in my mind.  Actually won't let myself
	think the thought over and over, like how i'll get 'em and what
	i'll say.  I can keep myself up all night rethinking these 
	thoughts.  Usually this is easy after the writing exercise.

	Then I share these thoughts with another person - that's to validate
	what I feel and what I have to say.  This is usually someone real
	close, cause can you imagine what a stranger would think?? ;-)
	During this process I find out that I am not unique in these 
	feelings, that wanting to kill someone for doing something is not
	just my feeling.

	Then I let it go - I personally do this through prayer, although
	there are probably other ways.  This one works for me.  I ask for
	help in forgiving the person and pray for good things for them.
	Sounds really wierd, but it works!

	And I do this for all the people in my life that I want to smash.
	I am always amazed at how the feelings are less afterwards.

	Just my way -

	Angeline

    Fill out a reader service card in THEIR name.....
    Rude as it seems I actually did it once to a person that I knew hated
    junk mail I only wish I could have been there.
    
    -j

    Recently I have been afflicted with emotions eminating from revenge.
    The first thing I did was exercise by bicycling several miles a day.
    Then, as alot of you have done, (which, by the way, is an excellent
    outlet) wrote down my feelings. I then proceeded to take what I had
    written, put it to music, went to a recording studio, produced a
    song and sent her a tape.
    
    Dennis 

    I have never gotten that angry but only twice in my life.  I usually
    have to be pushed really hard or something must be really wrong.
    
    But one of the two time I did get angry I did this;
    
    	The person jipped me out of $44.00.  I did NOTHING for at least
    3 years.  She was a dead beat.  Then I heard she was moving to
    California, I also noticed she was driving a BIG, BRAND, NEW CAR.
    I don't know how this happened but I also happen to know she financed
    her car through the bank my neighbor worked at.  She was a loan
    officer.  I told her about her going out to CA and cutting out on
    alot of people to whom she owed money.......The next day the bank
    took her car.  Apparently she was behind in payments.  Boy did I
    chuckle at that.  
    
    I didn't spend 3 years angry, I merely saw an opportuinity(sp) and
    merely took advantage of it.  However, I am a firm believer in 
    "every dog has it's day".  I have never met anyone who went around
    being hatefull and walking over people without paying some how.
    
    my .02 worth
    Elaine
    
    

    re .-1
    
    But, But But
    
    Gee I hope you let the gypper know why the car was "REPO"ed!!!
    

re .0

Yuck - I have to say that I've never had the emotion of experiencing "wanting 
revenge or hate" until this past year but I went through those emotions.  It's 
gotta, in my book, probably be the worst emotion to ever have to experience.
I'm better now but what did I do when I went through it?  I played out the 
revenge in my mind.  It helped quite a bit.  If you try and get revenge, you 
may bring yourself to "his/her" level - then in the end, you may feel real 
crummy.  Try and suck it up and remember that "what goes around comes around"
and some day, you'll smile about it.  Everything has a way of working out 
eventually.  8^)

    Fantasies work well for me.  When my (now ex) husband ran off with
    another woman I spent a lot of time fantasizing about various forms
    of revenge.  I'd really plan all of these to the nth detail.  Imagining
    their reactions was almost as good as actually doing it.
    
    In the long run I think that success is the best revenge.  But I
    also take comfort in my mother's words of wisdom, "Time wounds all
    heels".
    
    Nanci

    I think of the time I saw Martin Luther King, Sr., interviewed on
    television.  The reporter asked him how he managed to keep from
    being bitter and filled with hatred after losing both his son and
    his wife violently.  He said, "Don't ever let anybody make you
    hate.  Once you've let them make you hate, you've let them win."
    
    Life is too short to spend it consumed with feelings of hatred and
    revenge.  I admit I have briefly felt both hatred and desire for
    revenge but concentrating on these feelings makes me physically sick.
     I would prefer to try to get these feelings out of my system, without
    harming anyone else, as fast as possible so I won't waste too much
    time being miserable.  Things I have done to work out these feelings
    are to discuss the situation with a friend or friends telling them
    how wronged I felt, and, hopefully, having my friends verbally validate
    my feelings; read poetry and/or listen to music that seems to pertain
    to the situation.  Just knowing that other people have apparently
    had similar feelings and articulated them seems to help.
     
    Lorna
    

    
    
    
      "Living well is the best revenge."
    
    

    		"Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge."
    
    					-- Gauguin
    

"Revenge is not the way of the Jedi"

		Yoda

    "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
    
    --- jerry

    
    	Way to go, Lorna! (Seriously...great reply!)
    
    	There really is no need for a personal effort at "revenge". You
    see, in the grand scheme of things, that's basically taken care
    of *for* you, by a power much greater than yourself - if you know
    what I mean. These people with whom you wish to "even up the score
    with" or whatever will get their deserts, in an appropriate time...
    I wouldnt worry_yourself about it.
    
    	Joe Jas     
    
    	

    re .12  I never said a word......I only watched as the bank emptied
    her car and drove it off...very satisfying.  by the way she was
    already behind in payments.  (my parents were her neighbors)
    
    I do completely agree that fate takes care of all those creepy people
    who harm another. (emotionally/physcally(I can't spell for beans))
    What goes around comes around.  He who liveth by the sword shall
    perish by the sword.  Who needs revenge, life in all it's mystries
    takes care of it.
    
    Elaine

    
    Lots of neat replies here...I liked 'em.
    
    "Hate" to me is a waste of my time....why spend energy
    on someone you don't like?
    
    "Planning revenge" is also a waste...for much the same reasons.
    
    However, me being who I am.....I have a marvelous memory. And when
    the time comes around...I'll be there, smiling in the doorway.
    
    There was a man who [figuratively] "screwed" me in a job I had once.
    He even gloated over it in front of me. I kept right on smiling
    and being polite....it made him a bit nervous.
    
    About three months later, he got the news he was being replaced.
    I sent him a congratulations card in the mail....didn't sign it,
    but I am dead sure he knew who sent it.
    
    M_

    
    All these replies are very well and good BUT...... Hate is a human
    emotion and although we may not want to feel that way sometimes
    we just can't help it.  Being a highly emotional person, I ahve
    experienced the feeling quite often.  I have even wanted to destroy
    things and hurt people.  I have gone so far as to fantasize and
    plot how to get rid of people.  Then after thinking the most disgusting
    vengeful thoughts I could ever imagine I stop and think, "What am
    I doing?  I'm not that type of person at all."  Then I go let off
    some steam at the gym, and I write hate mail (and read it from time
    to time til my feelings pass), then I sit and think reasonably and
    it comes down to something my mother said.  "Always be a friend
    to your enemies.  Either they will become your friends or they will
    detest you more."  What jerks they would look like if they hated
    this person that was being really nice to them.  
    
    Katrina

    
    I have always disagreed with the saying,
    	"Don't get mad, get even."
    
    I, myself, prefer, "Don't get mad, don't get even, stick it to 
    'em twice as hard."
    
    Gene~

	The greatest story (possibly at the urban myth level, but I've only
heard it from one source) about revenge I ever heard was someone at Dartmouth
who constructed a "rat bomb".

Equipment:

	Rat (larger, the better)
	thermal gloves
	container of liquid nitrogen (or other suitable gas in liquid form)


Instructions:

	1] Obtain access to victim's dorm room.
	2] wearing gloves, dip rat in liquid nitrogen, freezing rat solid
	3] throw rat against wall, where it will shatter, and later thaw!
	4] leave in haste.


	Needless to say, I wouldn't encourage this, but it sure is a good one
to feed your fantasies of revenge...


							--D

    Well you were pretty close Katrina, it went something like this
    and it was your father who said it, "Love your enemies, it will
    drive them crazy."  
    
    The feeling of revenge is so destructive and hinders your personal
    growth.  I have read all different replies in this file and found
    that prayer was not mentioned or if it was I missed it.  To find
    strength and forgiveness through prayer and for others meditation
    is like getting that "monkey" or excess baggage off your back. 
    A coping mechanism that I have used in the past whether it be revenge
    or being on the receiving end of an irate personality is to step
    outside of the situation.  I picture myself as on the outside looking
    in and that it is happening to someone else and not to me.  It has
    worked wonders.

    
    
    "Driving in the spikes"...Harlan Ellison
    
    Pure sadistic pleasure about revenge....Hmmmm
    
    Melinda

    I had a manager an an X-job (pre-DEC) who was a total SOB. After
    another shafting, he suspected I'd do something, so I just let him
    believe that and smiled a lot (Norman Bates kind of smiles). Never did
    a thing but drove him crazy!
    
    Eric

    I recently read a very interesting and funny novel about revenge
    called "The Life and Loves of a She-Devil" by British author, Fay
    Weldon.  This book is about a "woman scorned" who sets out to seek
    revenge on both her husband and "the other woman."  Believe me,
    by the end of the book nobody would want to be the other woman!
    
    One interesting aspect of the book is that I started out feeling
    sorry for the main character (the woman seeking revenge), and I
    wound up feeling sorry for the other woman.  At some point in time
    the woman scorned surpassed the punishment I would have thought of
    as sufficient to get back at her husband and the other woman, and
    then the woman scorned seemed like a meaner person than the two
    who hurt her originally!!  I thought as I read the book that it
    was definitely interesting to imagine carrying revenge to an extreme
    but that it wasn't for me because it is too easy for the person
    carrying out the revenge to eventually become as evil as the person
    who originally caused the harm.
    
    BTW, I recently heard that this book has been made into a movie
    with Meryl Streep as the other woman, and *Roseanne Barr* as the
    woman scorned!!  I can't wait to see it.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    re: -1
    
    Yea, and if distancing yourself can't give you a new perspective
    then "shutting it out" is another way to drive the other person
    up the wall.
    Its cruel to say but watching the other person get more frustrated
    is kind of fun.  Makes you stop and think, "I hope I don't look/act
    like that".
    
    Sorry 'bout the misquote, Mum.
    
    Katrina

    Re .30, am I talking to you?  No, I'm talking to everybody.
    
    We all have our own ideas of fun! :-)
    
    Lorna
    

    It is already a TV series, probably made by BBC.  It was shown on
    cable (Arts & Entertainment) TV couple of years ago.
    
    - Vikas

    
    Sorry.  I was replying to #26.
    
    Katrina

    .26
 >>   I picture myself on the outside looking in.
   
    I also did this.  Not just for revenge but also love, friendship,
    and anything else that made me feel vunerable.  You don't get hurt
    as bad if things don't go right, but you also don't experience as
    much love or as much friendship when looking in from the outside.
    I know that you mentioned just looking in from the outside when
    it came to revenge, but I don't think this type of attitude is
    something you can just turn on or off.  There are those of us who
    look in from the outside, we are the less emotional types versus
    those who are on the front lines feeling emotional pain or emotional
    enjoyment to the fullest.  I'm trying to be the latter.  But it
    takes time.  If you want to feel something emotionally great then
    you've got to take a risk which means being on the front lines,
    not just looking in from the outside.  You mentioned that you were
    a very emotional person in another note.  Are you really the type
    that looks in from the outside?  I hope not.

    For the  ultimate revenge story, read "The Cask of Amontillado" by
    Edgar Allan Poe.

    The best  revenge  I  ever saw was in the country, where my friend
    had  an outhouse whose door faced downhill. Ocasionally a bunch of
    kids  would come running down the hill and knock the outhouse over
    (on  its  door,  with  someone  inside it.) One night we moved the
    outhouse  10  feet down the hill. Later that (halloween) night the
    kids  came  running  down  the hill to knock over the outhouse and
    fell  in  the  hole  containing  several years worth of sh*t. They
    sounded remarkably upset.

--David

    
    -1
    
    That will make you think.
    
    Katrina

RE: .35

Poetic Justice, that's what it is.

-- Ron

I very seldom think of revenge...  I usually can see why the person did what
they did from some part of their background, or even if I don't know the reason,
I know there is a reason for them to be the way they are.

I occasionally try to help them 'learn a lesson', but usually I just leave them
to their misguided life.

On the rare occasion where I've thought of revenge, I'd rather end my own life
then do damage to someone else.  Revenge puts you down at their level.  They may
be misguided, but I know better and I won't allow myself to be that way.

Jim 

.38: There's revenge and then there's revenge.  Or maybe, as the previous reply
said, "that wasn't revenge, it was 'poetic justice'."

Revenge can be deliberate direct harm to another... they do something to you and
you go out to do something to them in return.  While it can be mightily tempting
at times, I agree that this "puts you down at their level".

But revenge can also be like Aikido... you provide a situation such that if they
are fully committed to doing you harm, they will cause their own downfall.  At
most, you merely guide them on their way... and the most devestating Aikido
move is to simply get out of the way at the exactly correct instant. I think the
"outhouse incident" is an example of this.  Nothing was done to the attackers...
but by charging blindly down the hill in the dark with complete lack of caution,
they got themselves "real good".  Note that if they had seen the error of their
ways and passed up the opportunity for another attack, nothing would have
happened to them.  If they'd even had the marginal intelligence to look where
they were going, they'd have passed the trap.  They freely chose their own path.

	/dave

    Old saying: What goes round, comes round.
    
    I have had some things done to me that, when I think over all my
    sins of omission and commission, I must in all honesty figure I
    "finally got mine".  And strangely enough, when this is true, I
    know it in my heart and my hurt and anger is tempered with sad
    resignation.  
    
    Getting revenge is really a cheap shot deal, but halos are a pain
    in the tush to keep shined up, so cheap shots sometimes are too
    good to turn away from.
    
    I *never* say anything in anger that I have not already said in
    my head and in my heart.  It doesn't have to be the truth *as the
    truth* it only has to seem the truth to me.  And I *never* go back
    on what I said; I accept the responsibility of what I said or did.
    
    Age has mellowed me out a lot; and revenge is wasted on petty things
    and should be retained and used only on the largest issues of life.
    And sometimes my revenge is to "kill them with kindness".  One of
    my oldest friends was once my adversary.  I have forgotten why.....
    
    M  
    
    
     

    I once wanted revenge on someone. But I consoled 
    myself with thinking that the situation she put 
    herself in would get her hurt plenty. It did. And 
    when it happened, I found that seeing her hurt was 
    *not* what I wanted at all. What I really wanted was
    to protect her from that situation, and I was mad 
    because she ignored my advice. 

    The best revenge is to have them expect it, but never actually do
    anything.   Let 'em squirm!
    
    The Joker

    
    
    	First, I remember a saying.
    
    	"Never contribute to malice, what can be explained by stupidity."
    
    	I forgive an awful lot of people this way.
    
    	And I ignore the rest. Sooner or later, a good person always
        rises above the rest. THEN, get them.
    

    re .43:
    
    	It's "Never attribute to malice what can be explained
    	by stupidity".
        
    	Attribute = "regard as resulting from something"
    
    	On the other hand, "Never contribute to malice" is a
    	good saying, too, and it's a kind of stupidity of its
    	own!
    			-John Bishop

    If it feels good, and makes you happy, then GO FOR IT!
    
    I mean you may really want to do something, yet other people will
    say NO, thats crazy, or NO, what is it going to solve... forgot
    that!  Go with YOUR own feelings.  I have a friend that thought
    that being nice is the only way to go, a year and a half later,
    she is still Misserable (at times), and he is "living" it up!  She
    may not 'gain' anything by it, but she also has nothing to lose
    either, and if it will make her happy for a change, and in her own
    mind, consider the score even, then what the hell?

    re .45
    
    > If it feels good, and makes you happy, then GO FOR IT.
    
    I totally disagree with this philosophy. Just because someone else
    is a jerk is no excuse for another person to be a jerk too.
    There is something called moral development which is supposed to
    prevent that kinda stuff.
    
    People who feel that self-centered that they are only caring about what
    makes them happy and feeling good should reflect upon the reasons
    why the relationship didn't last. People should strive to be
    considerate to others and find considerate lovers. It works better
    that way because when someone does something for you it feels better
    then when you do it for yourself. An example is buying a leather
    coat. If your girlfriend buys you one, you don't have to feel guilty
    about spending the money. And vice versa. Of course, this physical
    example holds on emotional levels as well.
    
    Revenge energy should be channeled in a way that is productive and
    ypeople should let the jerk go off and livetheir own misguided life.
    
    Jeff

    re .46
    
    
    I wish we could all be as 'in control' as you.  Have you ever thought
    of running for President?  I mean that is just such a wonderful
    attitude to have in life, 'just walk away', or is it called 'turn the
    other cheek'?  I still say "if it makes you happy, then GO FOR IT",
    everyone has different ways of handling this, and if you like to walk
    away, then do so, but I for one, would like to fight fire with fire.
    
    
    Kelly