Conference quark::human_relations-v1

	Seems to me what you described goes on continuously in life....
    
    	It is called depression............. Ha !
    But seriously, when one goes into depression they tend to experience
    each one of the things you described as wanting to experience. I
    think I would rather not experience that, but try getting control
    over myself in such a way that I can deal with what is going on.

    One day, one step, one moment at a time.
    
    Focus on what you can do, what is within your reach, what time permits.
    Talk with friends (who can be found in the most unexpected places
    ;)
    
    Sometimes I have to think to myself "this, too, shall pass".  There
    are obstacles in life, and many people ascribe them to divine testing,
    or character improvement....whatever the reason they are there.
    
    Have patience with yourself, reflect in on yourself and work through
    the surfaces of what you are dealing with.  If there are large
    quantities of difficulty inside you, take them a little at a time.
    You will find you have inflated some problems, and underestimated
    others.  Care for yourself, and always remember you're not alone.
    Call on your friends, call on your inner sense of calm (yes, it's
    in there).  Remember you are a fully capable human being - but this
    does not mean you are perfect - you are not a superbeing - you are
    going to have limitations.  Try and work within them, and if an
    explanation is required, at the very least explain you cannot talk
    about it now, it is too consuming or painful or debilitating to
    frame with words....hopefully they will understand.
    
    *hugs*
    
    -Jody
    

    	Sounds familiar - I have operated in that mode for nearly 50
    yrs., and now that I know what I've missed out on, I wouldn't wish
    it on anyone. 
    
    	Life is to be lived, not watched - living entails positives
    and negatives, and both must be dealt with.
    
    	I have, in my recovery program, found two (2) sources of help
    which you might consider pursuing.
    
    	1. Emotions Anonymous - a supportive self-help group, modeled
    after A.A. for people who need help dealing with their emotions
    - the program is very heplful, and the people are super.
    
    	2. Getting in touch with one's spirituality - I do not mean
    Religion - Church etc., but rather a very personal awareness of
    one's relationship with a Higher Power - doesn't have to be GOD
    if one is uncomfortable with it. To be whole, one must view one's
    self as a tri-dimensional being - Physical,Emotional, Spiritual,
    if any one dimension is unhealthy, the whole is unhealthy.
    
    	Best wishes ...
    
    		Guy B.
    
    

    .1> It is called depression............. Ha !

    All Ha's aside, it *IS* called depression.  And remember, Depression
    is nothing but Anger Turned Inward.  I don't think you deserve that
    kind of treatment!  Try being your own best friend, ESPECIALLY when
    things are not going well for you.  Use your family, your friends,
    work associates, and (if necessary) a Counselor.  But Live;  Don't
    put your life on hold.
    
    There are many people who are plugging for you.  I KNOW you will
    make it!
    
    Jack

    re 4.        
    
    	When I wrote "it is called depression...........Ha!"
    I was not making a joke..... I think I was attempting to not
    make a big deal over the statement.
    	I will never laugh at depression.. I have seen what it can do..
    If anyone is feeling symptoms such as .0 expressed, I would suggest
    trying to work with it,... Do not let yourself slide too far in.
    All depressions can be reversed if caught early enough... It is
    those that do not see the warnings that get caught........Add a
    little humor in your life... Learn to laugh at things that you normally
    took seriously. It can make a difference........
    	The advice the in these past replies are solid. They can apply
    not only to the base noter, but to all of us that are not feeling
    "up to par". Try to deal with it, and keep the faith.
    
    	re.0 Hows it going? I am not going to attempt to determine how
    you feel, but I want to say this. If you are depressed, there are
    many sources you can use to get back on track.... One of them is
    within your fingers reach... Use the note files...*Those that reside
    here and in other files can give some of the best support and advice.*
    And if you ever need to talk try Tplvax::whiteway I'll do what I
    can.      
    

    
    	Normality is an interesting concept, because it is really
    undefined. It's undefined because it's subjective; what is "normal"
    for one extreme's perception is completely different than that of 
    another extreme's.
    
    	Chances are, you're being - just as you are - very "normal"
    for a human being that happens to work for a large computer company
    in eastern Massachusetts! I mean, it's such a broad concept; to
    shoot for "being normal" as a "goal" or whatever is something you
    really cant miss. You already are, by definition.
    
    	Even is you *feel* you're "not normal", well, that feeling is
    part 'n parcel of *being* a normal person - at least around here :')
    
    	Perhaps the time to be really concerned about it is when you feel 
    *perfectly* "normal" - in all ways.
    
    	Joe
                                       

    How are things going...to be truthful I really do want to veg out.
    I won't and expressing that need seems to elicit in my friends the
    same responses I got in this note.  I appreciate your thoughts and
    your willingness to provide support.  
    
    I almost lost my Mother last week...I wasn't ready to let her go.
    She is getting better and I am very grateful.  But I am exhausted
    physically and mentally.  Not by what I feel I *should* or *have*
    to do.  But by what I want to do...
    
    I killed a squirrel on Sunday...I thought to myself if I went off
    the deep end everyone would understand but I didn't...
    
    And it gets back to that comment....I want to appear normal...I
    don't want friends and family to worry about me...I just want to
    live in another world for awhile to refresh my mind and my body.
    

    	I can understand fully your desire to appear normal - don't
    want people fussing over you, or worrying about you - it came sort
    of naturally for me - from childhood, I observed others and learned
    to behave in an elusive manner.
    
    	You can more or less withdraw without attracting attention if
    you employ meditation - with practice, you can reach a point where
    you can escape to the seashore, mountains, etc... without leaving
    your seat, and without attracting attention. Used to refresh the
    mind and soul, rather than to hide from life, you may find it very
    valuable to you, and there is no cost involved.
    
    	If you have noexperience, and want a "tutorial" feel free to
    contact me by VAXMAIL - it's not that difficult.
    
    	In the meantime, I'm glad to see that you are finding support
    and help from Notes - some great people for sure.
    
    	Best wishes ...
    
    		Guy B.
    
    

    re: .7
    While working on my own problems i've learned to observe simple
    things.
    
    Your friends want to worry about you, your someone who is important
    to them.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Besides helping someone
    else with their problem helps with your own problems.  Its another 
    way of gainning a perspective and maybe solutions.  Toughing it out
    alone is a sure way to miss what life does offer.
    
    On being normal, somewhere else in this conference a description
    exists that said, normal is what society can and does accept.  
    That allows for considerable variation in behavior and life style.
    It's not a narrow description, it does allow for some to exist
    nearer to the edges.
    
    Think about this;  It snowed last night, and the tulips are up.
    Do we grieve for the flowers in the snow or enjoy the contrasts
    of the yellows, reds, and green against the white.  I now see the
    contrasts and color, look for it, its there. 
    
    -john

    re.7
    
    	I think at times we all feel the need to "pull" away. It is
    a natural response to pressure and stress. 
    	I remember feeling as you do. I was tired of seeing my freinds
    and family making a fuss over me. I wanted them to get on with their
    life and stop worrying about me. So, I did pull away... (Or maybe
    it was 'running' away) 
    	I learned from that time in my life that no matter what I did,
    they would still fuss over me. My pulling away only concerned them
    more.... So I changed myself... I started taking an active concern
    for others.... I realised in a way <i was feeling sorry for myself.
    
    	With that I started forcing myself to laugh. I forced myself
    to be happy with those around me. It was at this point that my family
    and freinds realised I was on my feet once again. Then I realised
    that they were showing their concern only because they cared....
    I thanked a lot of people at that point.....After I stopped fighting
    them, they all made the difference.
    	So, if they are concerned, instead of running from it, show
    them you are ok. Show them you have the spirit to pull yourself
    above that which you are going through.... Laugh a lot and find
    a way of feeling good about yourself and your surroundings.....
    	If the pressure gets to much talk to freinds, family, therapists,
    or noters, but talk..... grow from where you are (In the passive
    mode) to a more active role.          
    
    
    re.7
    	I am happy your mother is getting better....

    
    Joyce, I hope your mom is doing alright. I hope you are too.
    I've thought long and hard about this topic, wondering about
    what I might say (write) that could help at this most difficult 
    time for you.  And I'll be damned if I know what to offer cause
    to tell you the truth, I seem to have all I can do to keep my
    own life under control sometimes, let alone offering
    advice to someone else on how to do things. I asked my wife Lynn
    what she thought. She said I ought to tell you what I just did.
    
    For me, and a few times I might add, I have kinda withdrawn
    and not appeared too "normal" as you put it. I've been moody
    and none too sociable. But I'd come out of it. Perhaps it's how
    we heal inside, I'm not sure...
    
    One "saying" that pops into my mind when I'm at my lowest
    ebb is something like....
    If you don't experience all of your emotions, then you don't
    know what it's like to truly live.
    So, when I bottom out, I'll remember that, and generally sarcastically
    think to myself, Hell, I must really be living now. 
    
    								Hank
    

    At approximately 10:15 this morning the depression lifted.  It happened
    because of some good news.  Mother has been accepted at Spaulding
    Rehab.  She will go through various therapies and be allowed to
    return to the congregate housing in Concord.
    
    I liked the advice that Guy gave around meditation.  I think I will
    take a course in it now...before I 'really' need it again.
    
    But I was immobile for several weeks and that is scary.  I spent
    the time trying to appear normal....and felt inside that I was ready
    to jump.
    
    Thanks for your concern...and thoughts...they helped.
    
    And I thank my God for this opportunity.  To have more time with
    Mother and to learn more about myself.
    
    Joyce

    Joyce, I believe Spaulding is where Janice's mother was accepted
    after her anyurism (sp?).  She then went to a nursing home for a
    short time and eventually went to live with her son.  She led a
    happy and productive life for another three years.
    
    I'm glad you're feeling more like yourself and you've been in my
    thoughts.
    
    P.
    

This is as good a place as any to post this note.  This is kind of long
winded, but I'm not sure how to cut it down so that you'd still understand.
So, here goes.

Back in December, while I was home in Northern NH for Christmas with my
family, I got sick.  It felt like bronchitis again, since I've had it most
every winter for the past several years.  I ended up coming back to
Southern NH two days early because I felt so lousy.  I saw my doctor and
he, too, suspected it was bronchitis.  I was still sick a week later, with
no improvement.  Since I'd been out of work for several days, I went on
short-term disability.  Severe breathing difficulties on January 13th put
me in the local hospital.  It was then discovered that I have asthma.  It
didn't really surprise me since I had it as a kid.  Like others do, I
apparently 'out grew' it.  I'm 34 now and it seems strange that it would
come back with such a vengeance.  I ended up hospitalized for 4 days.  IVs
of Aminophylline and Prednisone plus several respiratory treatments blasted
open my lungs.  I'm now on several flavors of medication and carry an
inhalor everywhere.  It also brings back some memories of distress,
breathing-wise, when I was a kid.

Well, curiosity got the better of my doctor and I and we had a conversation
about causes of the recent flair up.  I also saw an allergist, since
allergies can be a trigger to asthma attacks.  We did scratch tests and
found that I'm only slightly allergic to mold spores.  We then discussed
stress.  Bingo; lots of things eating at me.  After 8 weeks I returned to
work.

Stress continued and I was put on Xanax to help 'take the edge off'.  It
helped, but it's certainly not a cure.  Work, long hours, feelings of being
unappreciated, late deliveries on a couple projects, etc. still ate at me
but I was coping; well, I thought I was.  Mid-April rolls around and I get
put on a 30-day verbal warning because my performance is going down the
toilet.  I end up talking to my Personnel rep and EAP to help me put a
handle on things going wrong.  On top of the items mentioned above, I'm
also feeling that some of what I'm working on is over my head, technically.
There is little time to learn new things to make me better at my job
because sometimes we have deadlines (and sometimes impossible deadlines, at
that).  I've been at DEC 2 1/2 years and I have 12 years of IBM experience
still locked away in my head.  Though I'm fairly comfortable with our
software, there is still much to learn.

April 24th comes, along with another severe asthma attack at 1:30 in the
a.m.  I take my meds and sit in my recliner until I fall back asleep around
7:00 a.m.  At 11:00 a.m., or thereabouts, I get another attack.  I make my
way to my doctor's office in a near panic.  After yet another respiratory
treatment, we get my breathing back to normal.  My doc and I have another
talk about what's bothering me.  We spend about an hour talking about stuff
and he's asking questions in the meantime.  The end result of the
discussion is that I'm suffering from a not-so-trivial depression.  Granted
I knew I was feeling kinda blue-sy, but I didn't think it was bad enough to
be depression.  But, all the signs are there.  One particular question
freaked me out:

     Doc:  Are you having thoughts of suicide?
     Me:   Uh, er, um.
     Doc:  Not that you want to do yourself physical harm but
           thoughts like "If I got hit by a truck today, I
	   wouldn't have to worry about this BS anymore"?

That one scared me because it's like he pulled that exact thought out of my
head.  Sleeping is poor at best, eating is a major task, feelings of being
'empty', etc...weird stuff but I guess it feels better once you can put a
name on what's been going on for several months.  Anxiety and stress have
brought on the depression, as well as a return of the asthma.

To add to the frustration, I decided that I'd been with my group long
enough (the whole time I've been with DEC).  I've been interviewing with
ISWS for a new job.  That got put on hold a couple weeks ago because IM&T
and ISWS are joining forces in a re-org.  Having just survived a re-org in
my current group, I know it's going to be a hassle for a few weeks to wait
until they finish.  It's not known yet if they'll now be able to hire me.

The 30-day verbal will likely pick up again whenever I return to work.  I'm
on short-term disability again for 4-6 weeks and have a new medication for
the depression.  It's called PROZAC.  Between that and some one-on-one's
with a counselor maybe I'll get back to 'normal' once again.  However, if
the 30-day verbal goes by without signs of improvement in my performance, I
get a 30-day written.  Termination is the next step.  This doesn't make me
happy, since I'm pretty convinced that a new job in another group will do
me a world of good.  The thought of going back to my current job makes me
feel more and more useless.  At the root of that problem is my title.  I'm
a Senior IS Specialist with an SRI code of 36.  The ISWS manager I've had
conversations with (he knows how I feel about my current job) was willing
to bring me as a Software Specialist 3 (or even 2) at a level 35.  He
thinks, and I agree, that I'm not the heavy-weight in my job that a level
36 implies.  Neither does my manager, but his course of action is to put me
on warning instead of helping me get the right fit within Digital.

Well, enough;  I guess I've blown off enough steam at the moment.  I guess
I'm not asking for anything really from you folks.  Thoughts, however, are
appreciated if you want to send mail.  At the moment, I'm just trying to
get through my days.  The meds take a while to work so I'm still feeling
bleh.  Haven't been out of my apartment in 3 whole days.  Seems all I feel
like doing is laying on the sofa listening to my stereo or listening to TV.
What a heck of a way to live/exist.  I repeat...bleh.

Wayne