Conference quark::human_relations-v1

>>	Do we forget the good too quickly and remember the bad too long?

	 yes.....	


	 Good times are expected in a relationship....but when
	 something bad comes up...its not expected.  If you think
	 about it....in a relationship most of the things that happen
	 between two people are good....the bad things don't happen so
	 often and therefore tend to stand out, I think.  Bad things
	 put you on the defense....while good things make you open up
	 more... When a person opens up to someone and something bad
	 happens, it tends to hurt more than the initial blow... Once
	 on the defense a person stays on the defense...whether they
	 were right or wrong...

	 Let me ask a question....if you were taking a long walk
	 through a beautiful garden..enjoying it immensely...and
	 stepped on a rake and the handle sprung up in your face and
	 hit you...what would you remember about that day?
	 Enjoying the garden...or the rake... Most people would
	 remember the nasty bump from the rake.

	 Things that are least expected are what tend to linger in our
         minds. Now the real question...how to you forget the bad and
	 remember the good...? I don't know... I guess it just happens
	 with me...the bitterness fades away and the good memories
	 (that were always there but where crowded to the back of my
	 mind) stay...

	 Anger is a much stronger...more forceful emotion...but also
	 fades quicker if you let it...

	 kathy

    re: .0
    
    How does that old saying go..."Do something correct, no one remembers.
    			           Make a mistake, no one forgets."

    I agree with Kathy...it's easy to kick yourself and remember the
    bad things, but that's what makes special people in our
    lives...special! They have the uncanny ability of making us forget
    our troubles (for a while anyway) and make us SMILE!
    
       - Larry

    excellent topic.
    
    i remember once my father told me that staying angry with someone
    hurts no one but yourself.  it didn't take too many years for me
    to learn myself that he was right.  
    
    being angry consumes a *lot* of energy.  i find it a difficult thing
    to do...and usually give up quickly.  and, forgiving, and forgetting
    (really...putting it out of your mind, TOTALLY) is, to me, a much
    more rewarding thing to do.
    
    i much prefer to view things (relationships, events) with a positive
    eye.  life is so much nicer that way.
    
    tony

    
    i just broke off a relationship with a woman when she said "the
    bad times are starting to outweigh the good".  wanting to remain
    friends, i moved out.  now i think she regrets the things we said
    to each other in anger (as i do to).  we did not argue much, nor
    did we argue over "important" issues.  the arguements lasted only
    a few minutes.  the rest of the time was great.
    
    unfortunately, we human beings have a hard time putting things in
    perspective.  we sometimes go into relationships with (subconscience)
    preconceived notions of what the relationship will be depending
    on what we would like it to be (all hearts and flowers). when
    differences develop, which always do, the differences do not fit
    into the precinceived notions of what the relationship was SUPPOSED
    TO BE LIKE.
    
    in order for a relationship to work, i think we should:
    
            a.  maintain an open mind, from the beginning.
    
            b.  no "great expectations".
    
            c.  not just be willing to accept differences but focus
                on then and make then a positive part of the relationship.
                in that way we can learn.
    
            d.  be willing to accept the fact that none of us are perfect
                and, by default, no relationship is perfect.
    
            e.  but, fortunately, there is hope for all of us if we
                are willing to learn from our mistakes.     
           
     

    Although the pound of good is heavier, the ounce of bad has a strong
    tendency to "taint" the flavor of the good times.  
    
    Earlier this year, I had a friend of over 5 years suddenly turn
    on me with no apparent reason why.  She became a total viper, and
    it hurt very deeply.  When I went, quite confused, to ask her what
    the problem was, she claimed I had "betrayed a trust" that I had
    not.  She refused to have anything to do with me, and began bad
    mouthing me to other friends.  It was extremely painful; however,
    I kept trying to remain friendly and helpful, and she eventually
    returned to making friendly gestures and ovetures.  The problem   
    with this is that I just can't seem to trust her again.  I still  
    like her, but I am extremely wary of being friends with her again.
    In this case, all those years of warmth, caring, and support are,
    for me, gone.  I won't let her get close again, for reasons of 
    self-preservation.
    
    I am far more willing to "try" again with immediate family than
    I am with friends.
    
    Barb                                            

It's a question of impact. Unfortunately, the oz. of bad impacts us 
a lot more than the lb. of good.

In other words, an oz. of black paint will be enough to smear a 
fairly large area of clean white.

-- Ron

    I think that the time factor weighs in here as well.  For
    example, how often have we heard folks reminiscing about the
    "good old days"?  I've often heard the lament and, upon poking
    at it a little bit, found that those "good old days" included
    things like the Depression, WWII, the Korean conflict, and so
    on.  And it works in relationships as well.  I've known people
    whose relationships were virtually one long arguement, yet when
    one died, all the other could remember was the good times. . .
    
    I certainly don't mean this to diminish in the least the the
    thoughts people have shared so far; I've had the same experience
    myself too often to do that.  I was just struck by the way the
    mind can play with us over time - how sometimes we seem to be
    able to remember only the good, other times, only the bad.
    
    Steve
    
    P.S.  t'anx, rik, for a nifty little topic; I'd be lying if I
          said there wasn't a lesson in your story for me. . .
    

    Let's not forget work......I'm sure there is lots of people out
    there who have done wonderfully in their jobs and only catch any
    feedback when they botch something....... I know that is how it
    works around here...
    
    
    Bill
    

    If you want to have something put in perspective, just think what
    life would be like if that person(s) were taken away.  Puts things
    in perspective real fast.
    
    Mike