Conference quark::human_relations-v1

I remember when I moved up here from Texas, I kind of went into a shell ( I
was 13 at the time ).  The people up here are _so_ different ( not better or
worse, just different ) and I wasn't sure how to approach most of them.
After a year or two of this, I realized I was missing out on lots of stuff.
So I made a conscious effort to go from being shy to outgoing.  It is NOT
easy; changing something about your personality never is, I think.  It took
months and months of conscious effort, but I think I did pretty well.  Mostly,
it was a realization that its ok to blunder at time, and to screw up -- because
everyone else does at times too!  I think one of the big secrets in life is
that you can't take things _TOO_ seriously -- especially yourself!  ;-)

It can be done -- it just depends on if you want it badly enough.


Brian

    
    	OK, a couple of things -
    
    "Normal", whatever that is, is what you're most comfortable with.
    If it happens to be being alone right now, well, that's perfectly
    OK. Comparing yourself to the kid next door is irrelevant. Using
    *me* as an example, I'm an only child and as such will always tend
    to feel "normal" around one or two people - or by myself. The kid
    next door who had 4 brothers and 2 sisters may tend to feel "weird"
    *not* being around anyone! See why? 
    
    I dont even like the word "change" because it subtly implies there's
    something wrong: woooooooeeeeeeoooo - "Change that behavior son -
    before it gets ya!" There's nothing *wrong* with being shy. What you
    might want to do is to *add in* a realization of all the wonderful
    people there are to meet and possibly become friends with! I think
    that's a real good motivator to start on. I can think of *so many*
    great friends who I would have never known had I never, er, spoken up; 
    "I know about/can do/have heard of/can play/can fix/wanna help with/ect
    ...that!                        
    
    You can even keep your "quiet alone times" too. This is because
    you've added to - not changed - the "spaces" where you feel alright.
    You may gradually find yourself *replacing* some of the quiet alone
    times with time spent with a friend or friends. But you wont replace
    it *all* - no one does. Your still really the same as far as "change"
    goes - you've simply become more!  
    
    	Joe Jas      
    

    I wouldn't worry too much about being shy; you're not the only one!
    And I wouldn't consider 'normal' to be anything other. You are what
    you feel comfortable with.
    
    It depends if you want to 'change', or experience different things.
    You can't necessarily do that if you're shy.
    
    I'm 27, I've just moved into a flat on my own within the last eight
    months, and I faced either being *totally* alone (which I found
    distinctly uncomfortable!), or taking a few steps and meeting other
    people.
    
    It gets easier once you get going.
    
    Pete.

    If you "want" to be more out going/sociable... I would suggest
    2 things
    
    	Dale Carneige course   public speaking & human relations
    
        Toastmasters           public speaking
    
    I have few regrets in my life but if I had to do it all over again.
    I would definitly have gotten involved in both of them sooner in
    life.

    Dito the comment of Joe Jas!!  I was very shy at 17 (and 16 and
    15, etc).  Now I'm fairly outgoing (only shy in certain situations).
    
    And know what?  I'm normal now -- I was normal then, too.  And I,
    too, still enjoy my private time.  I enjoy going for a drive or a long
    walk; finding a large rock by a river and sitting for hours just
    enjoying being me.  I have many hobbies and interests and enjoy
    persuing them alone, most of the time.  I also enjoy the company
    of friends.
    
    Don't try to mold yourself into what 'looks' normal, I assure you
    that you are normal as you stand (or sit or type... ;-) rather develop
    what comes naturally.  As a starter, should you feel the desire to
    share the company of friends, I might suggest joining the FRIENDS
    notes file (I can't recall the location --*help*) and plan on attending
    one of their 'friends' parties, after making some friends over the
    net.

    I should also like to comment that your asking your question was
    a very open approach to something that is important to you.  This
    is a first step in overcomming shyness (or finding out that you
    *really* aren't *that* shy).  Note that this has nothing to do with
    being a loner or not.  A lonely person is often alone, even in the
    company of others, a loner isn't alone, even when by him/her self.
    
    Oh yea!  Welcome to DEC, Notes Files, and Human Relations!!  Hope
    to *read* more of you!
    jim
    

    I agree with >.5 that the Dale Carnegie Course is excellent (of
    course I'm bias) but before you become involved in that course or
    any other speaking course remember this---
    
    		You are perfectly *normal* and that is OK to be just
    	like the way you are.
    
    Now if you wish and are ready to grow more and would like some guidance
    on how to accomplish this --- take a course on public speaking or
    human relations.
    
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You have already demonstrated that
    you are insightful, caring and certainly a human worth knowning.
    
    Time is one of your friends.
    
    Mary Ann

    Did you know that nine out of ten people describe themselves as
    "shy"?  So being shy is *overwhelmingly* normal.
    
    Joe Jas hinted at a solution I like:  Find someTHING you want to
    do, or have an interest in, and get involved with that.  The people
    you meet as you go along will become friends in the most natural way.
    
    For example, because I am interested in science fiction, I went
    to science fiction conventions, and have become deeply involved
    with the groups and especially the people who run them.  (And we
    are *very* shy people.  You just would never think that if you
    could observe us secretly.)
    
    The impulses of "I could help with that.", "I could learn to do
    that.", "I can do that.", and "I can do that better." should be
    followed through on; they'll lead you to a richer life full of
    friends.
    
    							Ann B.

    				WORDS::FRIENDS
    

        Thanks for all the tips (and the welcome!). I'm suprised there are
    that many other shy people out there. If any more readers have comments,
    please feel free to add them.

        By the way, I did add WORDS::FRIENDS to the Notebook. It has
    even more shy people in there!
    
        Thanks!                   
    
                                             Nate.

    I was kind of quiet in high school, social outcast that I was I
    didn't have too many people to talk to.  But...I went to a college
    where no one knew me.  That, in itself, did much more for me than
    anything else.  With the slate wiped clean, I could show these people
    who I really was, and none had prejudged me.
    
    I found friends quickly, and although life is never perfect, it
    certainly got much much better....
    
    Also, with college (I'm not sure if you're planning to go or not),
    I found there were a wider variety of "groups" to be with.  It wasn't
    all so preselected and pecking-order problematic.  I could kick
    back and not worry about being laughed at for whatever flaws they
    had found and/or dreamed up in high school.  It was a much more
    accepting place, and that helped me to come out of my shell.
    
    -jody
    

    re:. 0
    
    There's not much to add, except to eMPasize that if you wish to
    overcome the type of shyness that makes you feel uncomfortable around
    other people; then you need to get into situations (Toastmasters,
    discussion groups, etc) which provide a "friendly atmosphere" and
    a modicum of training in how to organize your thoughts into a 
    comprehensive dialogue.
    
    Sort of riding a bike or learing to dance: You learn "how" by "doing
    it" ....
    
    There's a  difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".
        
    You mention you enjoy "doing the computer". There are several computer
    clubs in the area where you can "share" what you know, and "learn"
    from others; and like most clubs there will also be opportunities
    to 'socialize'.

    Good Luck
    Bob
    

    Henry David Therio	was once asked what is it like to live alone?
    He replyed,'what is alone? Is not a lone tree in a medow alone?
    Or a pond? Who will hear the tree fall in the woods or the splash
    of the pond on its shore.' I cannot exactly quote, this is off the
    top of my head. I do remember being alone, like you in high school.
    I missed allot of fun and missed allot of headgames too. I  don't
    know if it was worth it all. I can say to you is to get out into
    the sun, life is just once around, no repete preformances and no
    make up exams. I would find some fun activites and have fun with
    it. If you do not get out and experience the pain and pleasures
    of it all, you may probably regret it when you get older. I wish
    to have no regrets when I go the big roundup. I hope that you will
    not either. Try looking for Therio and do some reading of his, then
    do as Mary Ann has suggested in the Dale Carnige Coures. 
    
    Live Long And Prosper
    George                  
    

    in re .13 that should be Henry David Thoreau

    Thanks, I tried to look up the correct spelling, I was in a hurry.
    Sorry for that.