Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Hmmm..where to start.  
    
    It is almost easier to define what qualities I do NOT want.  And
    maybe that was the first step. 
    
    After ruling out the following (i.e. please do not let them be
    intolerant, dishonest, unfaithful, unable to commit beyond who gets
    the first shower in the morning....)
    
    I would hope that the person has not only an inquisitive mind, curious
    about the world outside themselves, but that they are able to do
    something 18 month old children master, but adults forget:  parellel
    play,   allow us to be together but yet not constantly be in each
    others way, understand the need for mental and creative stimulation,
    and expect to change, grow.  
    
    If this was a prayer, I would continue with: please be honest with
    yourself so that you may be honest with me.  Challenge me to be
    my best, allow me to challenge you as well, yet remember we are
    on the same team. 
    
    Of course in the strict sense, maybe these aren't psychological
    traits so much as values we should share? 
    
    Temper, Temper, Temper.   Yes, I have one.  Generally it is supressed.
    You probably have one too.  Please don't wait 10 years to tell me
    that the way I squeeze the toothpaste is driving you bonkers.  If
    my habits are annoying, lets talk - some things are negotiable,
    some are not.  We won't know if we don't ask!!
    
    Try not to walk on eggshells.  No-one has much fun.  
    
    Whew.....I hadn't thought about this one in awhile.  But since it
    is near vacation time and I try not to waste time on the beach sulking
    and wishing, thank you for helping me think this through !!!
    
    Irene
    
    (who must be single cause she really doesn't mind a bit!)

    
    I know as soon as I Control Z out of this I'll think of all
    kinds of things I should have said but I'll make a stab at it
    anyway.  
    
    First and foremost, I look for integrity with ones own values and
    morals.  Of necessity this includes honesty with self and others.
    I find that if I'm not being honest with others, I can't be honest
    with myself.  I know that it's impossible to ALWAYS be in integrity
    and ALWAYS be honest but I'm attracted to the person who is mindful
    of keeping himself aligned with these qualities.
    
    Next I'd have to say that I look for someone I can laugh with. 
    (And someone who can laugh at himself.)  
    
    After that comes someone who can nurture as well as be nurtured,
    someone who is willing to be supportive when support is needed.
    Someone who is willing to lean on me but who CAN stand on his own.
    I look for someone who's just a little naive - who still looks at
    a rainbow or a sunset in wonder and perhaps an occasional tear.
    
    I look for someone who is independent enough to want his own space
    and understanding enough to allow me mine when I need it.  I look
    for someone who is willing to talk about ANYTHING.  Communication
    and the trust that is takes to keep the lines of communication open
    are the glue that binds a relationship together.  I look for someone
    who challenges me to grow (in whatever direction I need to go at
    the time) and someone who is actively growing himself and isn't
    afraid to have me challenge him.
    
    Sometimes I have doubts that I'll ever find this ideal person. 
    However, the eternal optimist in me keeps looking.
    
    Nanci

    This may seem to basic but here goes...
    
    Height:  5' 7"
    Weight  110 lbs
    Hair    Dark Brown or Black
    Eyes    Brown
    Identifiable marks: tatoo's are o.k.
    
    Interest : Same as mine with a couple of her own..
    Mind: Somewhat crazy and completly independent both mentally and 
          financially.
    Morals: Some "Honesty would help"
    
    

    Personally, I never "look" for any special traits.  Don't get me
    wrong.... I do have certain qualities that will have to be met...
    eventually, but I don't go shopping with the list.
    
    On the surface, you know nothing about others.  But for me, as I "get"
    to know someone, if they do or say something that I admire, it
    registers, and I think, hmmmm.  I like that!  And it's a gradual
    thing that just happens.  I "may" on the other hand run into a trait
    that I know I can't tolerate.  If that happens, I know it's time
    to press on.
    
    Thompson, in the last reply, basically hit in on the head, in that
    we will tend to look for others with common interest.  Only natural,
    huh?  No real surprises.
    
    And if those interests change, and many times they do, we often
    press on... as in divorce or an ending to a present relationship.
    May not seem fair, but that's people for you.
    
    Dwight
                                                 

    
    	Re .4- 
    
    	Exactly.
    
    	Look for? I'm to busy watching what I'm shown...
    
    	Joe Jas

    
    	to find some one who will accept me for who and what I am,
    	some one who will allow me to keep growing and changing,
    	and encourge growth and change, someone who is a warm, 
    	compasionate, loving person..and..has a sense of humor,
    	so we can laugh..that would be really nice to find some
     	one like that.
    
    	

    Nobody's perfect (least of all me!) and everyone has different traits
    so I guess I'm not one to judge.  But there are a few standard things
    I look for during the course of a relationship.  You cannot find
    these things in a person by rushing.  It takes some time to truly
    learn what makes a person tick, and even when you live with someone,
    they surprise you sometimes!
    
    OK, here's *my* laundry list:
    
    I'm quite independent, and I look for someone who will allow me
    to maintain my own identity and space if I so choose.  This is not
    to say I want to exclude them from my life, but sometimes people
    need to break away from the person they spend so much time with
    and take up their own interests, which may or may not be the *same*
    interests as their partner.
    
    I'm pretty warm and caring, and I look for these same things in
    the person I'm interested in.  I always "go for the underdog". 
    I like to joke around, so a sense of humour is essential.  Also,
    I adore children, and I hope to have *lots* so they must like kids.
    
    The key to any good relationship (family ties, friendships, business
    relationship, lovers etc.) is honesty.  If I cannot trust the person
    I am with, then all is lost.  Lack of trust causes many problems
    which lead to the breakdown of relationships.  Another essential
    is communication.  If I cannot communicate freely with the people
    in my life, then frustration builds up and leads to breakdown as
    well.
    
    I'm a romantic at heart, and I tend to look for people who are
    sensitive to my needs (because I'm sensitive to theirs, as well)
    and romance is something I'd like to always stay in my life!  Also,
    even though I'm really domestic and like to stay home sometimes,
    I am very active on the weekends, I like to drive all over the place
    and see and do new things.  Definitely *not* a couch potato!  Life
    is an adventure which should be lived to the fullest!  So I like
    active men....
    
    OK, I'm sure there are many more things that I could conjure up
    here, but as I mentioned above, no one is perfect, and there is
    no "ideal" person.  You just have to try and hook up with someone
    close to what your ideals are!
    
    I'm STILL trying!
    
    
    Tammi
    

    First: A sense of who they are and what they stand for.  
    
    Second: If they cannot be honest with themselves, they cannot be
    honest with me.
    
    Third: I cannot bear secretive people--they must be willing to trust
    and to have faith in me.  As I must be able to have faith in them.
    
    Fourth: They must love at least most of themselves.  If they cannot
    love and care for their own imperfect self, how can they love and
    care for imperfect me?

    Sense of humor.  Sense of the ridiculous.  Sense of adventure.
    
    I had a fellow like that once--for 30 years--and it was really great.
    
    M

    
    
    	What do I look for??  Hmmmm...
    
    	Well, I guess the first thing would be a brain.  If the
    	guy is a total moron, keep walking.  And a person who 
    	is financially independent would be nice.  In other words,
    	if something were to happen to me, would he be making 
    	enough to support the family on his own?!
    
    	Trust plays a big part, but it's something that I feel
    	needs to be worked at; not something that's already there.
    	It takes me a LONG time to get to trust someone, and all
    	that time of working to trust someone can be blown out the
    	window by the least thing.  (that's just me)
    
    	Other than that, I like 5'11, hazel eyes, blond hair, good
    	kissing, and that cute bum of my boyfriend!!  (8
    
    	Tigga~~~ 
        
    	

    	What do I look for/hope to find?

    	Someone who is honest (very important!), feels good about who 
    he is and what he's doing with his life, is willing to talk (and 
    easy to talk to), has a good sense of humor and loves to laugh, 
    has a sense of adventure, shares at least some common interests,  
    is somewhat of a romantic (hey, I'd hate for my gestures to go 
    unappreciated! :-) ).  It would be great if he were warm, caring
    and supportive - and not afraid to show it.  Those are the things
    I can think of now...

    	Physically, there really aren't specific things I look for...
    looks are so subjective anyway...someone I may find attractive may
    not be so to someone else.  In general, if he keeps himself in shape, 
    and makes the most of what he's got, that's a plus.  None of us are 
    perfect (well, I've seen some that look like they're close! :^) ), 
    the key is to accept and like what we are.

    	At a wedding I went to Sunday, the JP talked a bit before the
    vows, and said that marriage is a committment to communicate, to
    grow together as a couple, and to let the other person grow as an
    individual as well.  There was more, but I thought those points 
    were so important, and I believe they apply not only to marriages, 
    but to all relationships.  I certainly would like them in my
    relationships!

    	Amy

I don't have a shopping list.

A lot of people seem to all be looking for the same thing...

Yet... How many people do you strike out without ever getting to really know?

We all *think* we are looking for the same thing, but our experiences are
all different.


Jim.

     A sense of humor , trust,respect,avid baseball fan,non-materialistic
     and a GREAT keyster !!!
    
    

Another noter recently remarked in Email that all those wonderful
opportunities occur to us when we are NOT looking for them. How
true! 

So, sitting on the Olympus as one who is not looking, it is very
easy for me to see what I would be looking for, had I been looking
at all... I would be looking for someone I like, want and love. 

No other qualities at all. There would be no prerequisites, no
entrance exams, no application fees. Anyone would have an equal
chance... 

I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted. It never came out
exactly that way. My physical ideal was a very tall, slim, voluptuous
female. I never actually dated someone like that (Farah was busy at
the time) and wound up with a 5'5"-5'6" wife. 

I wanted a technically inclined, mathematically astute, slide rule
(or calculator) in hand, female. Those who qualified, I dated to
discover, qualified for nothing else. I wound up with a wife that
doesn't know a partial differential from an integral. She
understands people and is a born psychologist - the exact opposite
of my dreams. 

All the things mentioned in previous replies are very important,
indeed. Ability and propensity to communicate are crucial. So are
integrity, honesty, openness and all that other good stuff. Add to
that peace, motherhood and apple pie at least once a week... But
what's really important is that the person be the right person for
you. And THAT is indefinable in words and unforseeable at this time.

-- Ron 

oh,,, someone that is FUN,
                      Has broad shoulders
                      and LONG hair (atleast in the back)
                      ouph!

    Oh, there are a few things that I look for.
    
    As far as physical charactoristics, there only a few.
    
    1) Taller than me (5'6").
    2) Medium build (There's got to be SOMETHING to hug!).
    3) takes care of himself.
    4) Neat.
    
    Other aspects are (Not all are required, but some would be nice):
    
    1) honest
    2) active
    3) At least somewhat intelligent (able to carry on a conversation).
    4) Independent
    5) an animal lover
    6) doesn't ride a motorcycle (this is a must!  Obviously why.)
    
    Holly
    

      Someone who would love me back. liesl

    	There are a number of qualities that I look for (most of them a
    result of failed relationships -- it *does* seem we learn more from our
    mistakes than from our successes).  Most important to me are openness
    (being able to talk about any thoughts or feelings, no matter how deep
    they may be -- ie, good communicator), honesty, a good sense of
    integrity, warm and caring, independent but unafraid to lean on people
    when she needs to (and we all need to at times), sensitive, good sense
    of humor (absolutely necessary with ME around!  ;-) ), a romantic,
    someone who is active (nice if she likes sports), some common
    interests, someone who loves/cares about herself, good sense of
    adventure, intelligence, and she must be willing to really give of
    herself to the relationship -- support me, as I will support her.
    Relationships are two way streets in *everything* (or they don't work).


    	One other is that she be able to accept people for who/what they
    are, without trying to change them to conform to *her* ideals.
    Physically, just that she take care of herself and do the best with
    what God gave her.  I like Anne McCaffrey's description of herself the
    best, where she gives a very general description and then says "... the
    rest is subject to change without notice"!  ;-)  ;-)


    	All in all, I look for someone who's got a lot in common with
    myself.  Also, the things listed above are what I look for -- they are
    not necessarily what I *expect*.  I always keep in mind what Ron said:
    what we *think* we need may not be what we *actually* need!  I think
    the most important thing someone can do is to always look at things
    with an open mind.  Going through life with blinders doesn't seem like
    a good way to go to me.


    Brian

    
    re .17
    
    I'd need to see it first...

    The 3 most important qualities that I look for in a man are:
    1. Smart
    2. Funny
    3. Good in bed
    
    Additional good points:
    liberal political views
    likes cats
    not fat
    not religious
    not too conservative looking - long hair/beards/moustaches a plus
    well-read
    reasonably kind, compassionate, understanding attitude towards others
    
    Added pluses:
    hates sports
    no obnoxious children from a previous spouse
    appreciation of art, music and literature
    
    
    In addition:
    must offer me eternal love and devotion until I'm sick of it :-)
    unless he doesn't feel like it
    
    Lorna
    

    re:22
    
    Flattery get you nowhere?
    Sez who?
    
    Saw an interview with Rob Lowe a couple months ago. The interviewer
    asked Rob what he looked for in a woman. Rob replied, "A pulse".
    
    -roger
    
    

    Actually I think Rob looks for an ID that states "MINOR"....
    
    or is it "GROUPIE".....
    
    Hmmmm

    Intelligent
    Honest
    Trustworthy
    Warm
    Makes me laugh
    Witty
    Clever
    Lots of Common Sense
    Attractive (eyes, particularly)
    Shares many Interests with me (though not all)
    Affectionate
    Maintains "interpersonal chemistry" with me over the long-term
    	(generally can't be consciously done...but important nonetheless)
    Is at least as good with finances as I am
    Well-read
    Is at least as strong as I am
    Technically-oriented (preferably the hacker-type)
    Into music
    Long hair is a plus
    Very comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt or sweats
    Has a smile that lights up the world
    Is ingenious
    Allows a 50/50 relationship to develop
    

    Re .21, Steve, the only one you're right about is shooting Bambi.
     I admit I do not look for men who find pleasure in taking the lives
    of innocent animals, and that I could never fall in love with/nor
    have a long term meaningful relationship with a man who goes hunting.
     However, I don't particularly care if men own guns as long as they
    are sensible and careful about them, and as long as they don't have
    enough semi-automatics to supply an army :-).
    
    I would prefer that men spend the money they would have spent on
    guns, on tasteful art and antiques, books, musical instruments and
    nice, but casual clothes, and maybe some jewelry for themselves,
    or maybe a Persian cat.  It's never been a requirement that a man
    buy me a diamond ring :-).  As a matter of fact, it would scare
    me half to death!  I'd be afraid of what he might expect in return
    - it might be something awful such as cooking him supper every night,
    ironing his shirts, or promising fidelity!  Nah, I'd rather buy
    my own diamond and be free.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    	'Wish I knew what you were _looking for_ -
    
    	'Cause then I'd know what you might find...
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    
    	It's been awhile since I've had a chance to reply in here.
    
    	What do I look for?
    
    
    	Well since I have an SO already I'm not looking but what I
    	*do* want in a partner is...
    
    	Honesty.  Not that we have to tell each other about all the
    	skeletons in the closet or everthing that happens during our
    	day.  But no lies.
    
    	Personality.  Those of you that know me, know that I am the
    	fun loving type.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life
    	in front of the TV so I want someone that has a similar
    	personality to mine.  Likes to DO things.  
    
    	Active... see above  :-)
    
    	Attractive.  Not overly gorgeous.  Most of the guys that I've
    	some across like that are snobs...Not all, just most.  But 
    	someone that is clean and likes to look nice.  Not always in
    	jeans or sweats or whatever. 
    
    	Someone that knows what they want out of life and is willing
    	to give it their all to get there.
    
    	Cary and I have big dreams and we're working to get there.
    	It will take a while but I believe someday we will get there.
    
    	(I also LOVE men with long hair!! )  :-)
    
    
    	JJ
    

    I need someone who is sensitive and honest - those are two extremely
    important qualities.  Those two tie in with respect.  If someone is
    sensitive and honest, they will usually have respect for your thoughts
    and feelings.
    
    Also, I want my partner to be active and enjoy life - couch potatoes
    need not apply.....Of course, enjoying the same activities is a
    definite plus.
    
    Intelligence is also important.  I want us to be able to hold an
    intelligent conversation that won't erupt into a two sided arguement.
    
    The most important feature is that my partner cares about me as much as
    I care about him.
    
    	  	"Don't ask me what I love in you.
                 Instead, ask me what I do not love,
    		 Then I won't take a lifetime to answer."
    
    As for physical characteristics, I am a believer in chemistry ! 
    Sometimes you just meet someone and there is a definite spark.  For a
    relationship to work, that spark has to be burning in both people.  If
    not, then the relationship is one sided.
    
    Anyway, someday my mr. right will come along, and when he does, I'll
    know it.....
    

    
    They have to ski or be willing to learn...
    
    When I was younger, my dad screened my dates.  He used to ask the
    question, "What does your father do?".  Now when I bring someone home
    he asks, "Do you ski?".  That is probably my greatest love.  
    
    Looks aren't important.  Neatness counts more, for instance a man who
    irons his shirts gets bonus points.  
    
    Sense of humor, out going, caring, honest, positive attitude, sensitive, 
    and open are some of the things I like.
    
    mjf

    What I look for. (not neccissarily in this order)
    
    A psychic connection.  You know when you walk into a room and you
    are compelled to notice one person.  They stand out above everyone
    else.
    Sex appeal
    playfulness
    honesty
    affectionate
    funny
    not overly worldly (I like a little innocence)
    lets me do little things, like cook, and appreciates it
    I think for me the whole thing is on a more cosmic level.  Like
    destiny.  You just know when you meet someone whether or not you
    are going to share something special and you know how its going
    to end.
    Somebody who will compromise, try to be understanding, but will
    not let me walk all over him.
    I like a man that knows what he wants and has no problem saying
    it or doing it.  
    I like strength in a man.
    
    Its funny, but I've met someone and I don't know how its going to
    end.  I think it just might not.
    
    Katrina 

    
    re .0: a couple of year's ago I'd have written a long and fairly
    rambling reply to this topic. I had my personal "check list" and
    I'd have sworn on a stack of Bibles that my future bride would have
    certain characteristics: certainly a British background similar
    to my own, similar social class, and professional employment, and
    IQ comparable to my own (I was a MENSA bigot back then :-)) would
    have been on the list.
    
    As it was I met and fell head over heels in love with a woman who
    couldn't have been less like my mental paragon (OK she scores on
    the IQ front..., and she's a professional, but I had in mind something
    like computers, law or medicine, and she's actually a chef)
    
    So now I am inclined to think that the list is fairly meaningless.
    
    Perhaps a "negative list" (of things your future partner wouldn't
    be or do) would be better, but then again...
    
    /. Ian .\
    
    PS: For those who don't know me, or my wife, she is Thai, not British,
    was a Buddhist, not a Christian, spoke little English, and had neither
    visitted, nor wished to visit, Britain. She is however university
    educated, a qualified and practicing chef, and spoke several languages
    (Thai, Lao, Vietnamese, Mandarin, Cantonese, and now English...)
    
     

    Takes care of himself physically, mentally and spiritually
    High Self-Esteem (not EGO)
    Loves children
    Not afraid to be vulnerable
    Knows how to express his emotions in an appropriate way
    Dis-likes televised sports
    Hates politics/scandal/gossip
    Likes his mother
    Loves the person he is becoming
    Loves me unconditionally
    
    If you know anyone like that, hold on to him (or else give him my phone
    number).
    
    Cathy

    Sorry Cathy,
    
    I'm already taken.  ;-)
    
    Skip

Gee, Skip, do you love Cathy unconditionally?  If not, you don't meet the
criteria. 

		Steve (who is also "already taken")

    Hmmm... missed that one... ooops!
    
    But I do meet all of the rest of the criteria.... hehehehe
    
    Skip

    
    " ..and if you are looking for kindness (etc..) first become one yourself.."

    The 3 most important qualities that I look for in a woman are:
    1. Smart
    2. Funny
    3. Good in bed
    
    Additional good points:
    wears black
    similar taste in music
    looks good in black
    knows what to do when encountering a cat
    well-read (Akira, Watchmen, Beautiful Stories...)
    reasonably kind, compassionate, understanding attitude towards others
    BUT can hide it well......
    
    Added plusses:
    doesn't really care about sports
    'different' taste in art, music and literature
    tolerant of people on soapboxes
    firm grip on reality, but enjoys flights of fancy
    
    In addition:
    must offer me eternal youth until I'm sick of it :-)
    

Gee, Jonathan, in my role as an armchair matchmaker, I think I've found
someone for you...

    RE: .41
    
    Gee.... Sharon, thats *my* job :-)
    
    Gale_who_is_personnally_responsible_for_three_DEC_marriages

    re: .41, .42
    
    well, i told you the format of my reply was stolen.
    
    although i guess it would be called plagiary (sp?) seeing
    as i didn't credit the original artist.
    
    but i do have to add something else to the list.........
    
    maybe make this number 4 absolute requirement......
    
    gives good back!
    
    

    RE: jonathan

    hahahaha......should I feel offended?


    kat    

    
    Is the fifth requirement that they have to appreciate Gregory?
    
    Lisa

    RE: <<< Note 770.45 by CAESAR::GASSAWAY "Insert clever personal name here" >>>
        
    >Is the fifth requirement that they have to appreciate Gregory?
    
         ...but of COURSE!
    
                                    Gregory

    re .40, Jonathan, you flatter me by stealing my lines, wise-guy! :-)
    
    re .41, sorry, Sharon & Gale, he's cute but he's 15 yrs. my junior. 
    You wouldn't want me to rob the cradle would you? ;^)
    
    Besides, I look like hell in black and I'm not into science fiction or
    comic books (although I do satisfy the first 3 requirements if I do say
    so myself! well, okay, I'm not *that* smart)
    
    Lorna
    

Just be careful how you find out about criterion number 3!

			Steve

    
    well now...what have i stirred up here?
    
    re: .44 .....no.
    
    re: .45 .....maybe.
    
    re: .46 .....actually, we have a different gregory in mind.
    		unless you happen to wear a size 3 straightjacket,
    		and have a friend named herman vermin.
    
    re: .47 .....nobody looks like hell in black.  but some people
    		do feel more comfortable in it, i suppose.
    
    hmmm.........the first three (oops, four!) are requirements, but
    all the other things are just icing on the cake.  or perhaps
    icecream sitting next to the cake.  preferably ben&jerrys.
    vanilla chocolate chunk.
    
    come to think of it....who needs cake?