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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1306.0. "At the end of my rope" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Thu Sep 24 1992 17:05

    The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
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				Steve





     I'm having one of the most difficult times of my life. I'm living
    with a man that is making my life pure hell. I can't seem to make him
    leave. He keeps telling me he's leaving. I'm just trying to give him
    enough time to take care of unfinished business.
    
    I, had a diamond on my finger and we were planning to marry. I was in
    the middle of buying a house when he  wrecked my car and when the 
    insurance money came in - he wanted to put the car in both our names. 
    I trusted him and we would be getting married soon so I said ok. He
    didn't go in with me to buy the house because his credit was  no good -
    he told me something about the ex wrecking it. It was all my money
    going on the house so I really wanted to be with him for a few years
    till I put the house in his name. (He wanted the house on his name from
    the start) I would just tell him that once he got straightned out then
    we could buy a house together.
    
    This all started when my 17 yr old daughter became pregnant. Mike (not
    his real name) told me to get rid of her. If she was going to do
    something like that he didn't want her around.  I told him that if I
    abandoned her, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror. I let her move
    in the apt upstairs (I own the house) Well Mike threw the WORST fit I
    have ever seen anyone throw. It's been two years and he still isn't
    done. He has behaved in a way that is unhealthy and unacceptable. Well
    when the baby came I couldn't take the baby in the car. I couldn't take
    my daughter in the car.  In other words he started to take my freedom
    and he began to isolate me.
    
    He wouldn't go to the dumps - well it's YOUR house. He wouldn't do any
    work outside - well it's YOUR house. Any time utility bills came in I
    would have to make him give me money. Always with a comment - I
    shouldn't have to pay this I only have a fourth of it - you and the
    kids use the electrity. They  always leave the lights on etc. etc. His
    refusal to buy food like milk, cearal etc. - well they're NOT MY kids.
    He would buy food like candy, peanut butter and HIDE it so me or the
    kids couldn't eat it.  He is also verbally abusive to me and the kids.
    
    He bought a Kirby vac and traded my vac in. He would lock the vac up so
    that we couldn't touch it. He was the only person that could vac. He
    would vac ONLY when he FELT like it. He didn't vac like I would so
    needless to say my home hasn't had a good vacuming in 2 years.
    
    His latest thing is laundry soap. If he buys it - he keeps it on his
    side of the bed and nobody can TOUCH it. He stays home during the day
    and he has been doing everyone's laundry. That way he can keep the
    washer busy and my daughter won't be able to use it.
    
    A year ago I told him I wanted him to get OUT. Well the next day my car
    blew the engine. (everyone in the house thinks he did something to it) 
    
    He took the TFSO in the end on June. He knew for a long time this was
    going to happen. He had been in contact with another company and told
    me he was going to move to another state when he left DEC.  I told him
    I would not sell my house and move with him.
    
    He took ALL of the TFSO money and spent it the next day on a brand new
    1992 car. He didn't leave himself enough money to cover his insurance
    expenses or anything else. He didn't get the job out of state he
    expected to get. He didn't get his unemployment checks.
    
    He did sign his other car over to me so I have a car now.
    
    He has been home - turning on ALL the lights - doing everything he can
    to run up the costs. If I buy ceareal he will eat a BIG mixing bowl
    full - so he can get his share. 
    
    I've been trying EVERYTHING I can do to make him leave. He has packed a
    box to two. He appealed the unemployment and is waiting for the answer.
    
    He doesn't really want to leave. He keeps telling me he will leave but
    only WHEN HE is ready. My friends think I should go to the police.
    
    Thanks for listening - I'm at the end of my rope I can't take anymore.
    
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
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1306.1If "GO" isn't enough, you need helpTLE::JBISHOPThu Sep 24 1992 17:284
    Go to a lawyer.  This has gotten past the point that some magic
    phrase will get him out.  And when he does leave, change the locks.
    
    	-John Bishop
1306.2CALS::DESELMSReachin' for that High CThu Sep 24 1992 17:419
    Don't wait for him to leave on his own, because it's not going to happen.
    Get him out of there and get your life back together.

    Listen to your friends. If he doesn't own the house and you tell
    him to leave and he refuses to go, that's trespassing, right? By all means,
    notify the police! If he causes trouble, I'd say try for a restraining
    order while you're at it.

    - Jim
1306.3ASAP2CRAZY::FLATHERSRooting for the underdog.Thu Sep 24 1992 18:355
    
    GET A RESTRAINING ORDER NOW !   I never heard of such selfishness
    in my life !
    
      
1306.4MCIS5::WOOLNERYour dinner is in the supermarketThu Sep 24 1992 19:1119
    You have the house in your name--GOOD FOR YOU!  I'm sure at the time it
    *felt* paranoid to do so, but it sure is a good thing you listened to
    your instincts.
    
    Now then: what I would do... announce to "Mike" in a public place with
    friends (ideally, yours *and* his) that he _will_ move out on such-and-
    such a date (a month? 2 weeks?), and if he does not, his stuff will be
    on the sidewalk the next morning and the locks will be changed in any
    case.  Of course he will plead poverty, etc., but he has had a long
    time to prepare for this; he can get a job, a storage locker, and a
    life.
     
    Make the moving date something that is doable (not "tomorrow at noon")
    but not long enough or vague enough ("6 months") so that he can weasel
    it out longer or start selling *your* stuff, or so the friends forget 
    the agreement, etc.  You don't need this guy!  Find out how the police
    can help you!
    
    Leslie  
1306.5ELESYS::JASNIEWSKIWhy not ask why?Thu Sep 24 1992 19:5547
    Re .0-
        
    >have ever seen anyone throw. It's been two years and he still isn't
    >done. He has behaved in a way that is unhealthy and unacceptable. Well
    
    	It sounds like this guy is in need of some intense therapeutic
    intervention - that's, er, IMHO. He sounds like he's pretty
    dysfunctional and just chock full of resentments over God knows what...
    probably most of which have nothing to do with you! It's pretty sad 
    to see the behavioral levels someone's diseased thinking can take them 
    down to.
    
    Tell him his behavior - around the laundry soap, the cooking bowls of
    cereal, the vacuum, along with the verbal abuse - is all unhealthy and
    unacceptable. Then *you* have to make a stand. You can do this by firmly
    stating that this behavior which you find unhealthy and unacceptable
    must change in, say, 2 months, or *you* will make a change that will put
    him out of your home and your life for good. Do this with a supportive
    friend, someone definitely on *your* side, with you at the time. 
    
    	Now, I somehow have my doubts that after *two years* of handing
    out his abuses he's going to make a change in himself in a couple
    of months. However, doing it this way does two things which will
    be to your benefit; One, it doesnt turn someone into a homicidal 
    maniac in reaction to, as may be apparent from their perception,
    "being blindsided" by being kicked out with zero notice - and Two,
    it sets a *definite time* that's probably even reasonable to him and 
    his twisted thinking. It's probably also tolerable for you to live 
    with while he manages to...find a place to live elsewhere.
    
    Should the date *you* set pass, and it's clear that he has no
    intentions of taking action either on the idea of him getting help
    for himself and/or changing his behavior - or - physically moving
    out - *then* it's time to get the authorities involved, get a lawyer
    and a restraining order.
    
    	I've been in the space three times in my life when I had to
    get someone whom I had lived with for a time, out of my living space
    becaue I was "at the end of my rope I can't take anymore". I can 
    identify with one of the worst feelings in the world; that it just
    s*cks to go *home*.
    
    	Hope this helps,
    
    	Joe 

1306.6TRACTR::HOGGEI am the King of NothingThu Sep 24 1992 19:5720
    Call the police and start working on a restraining order NOW.
    Ask them how much notice you have to give a renter before evicting 
    him from the premises.  (Some states don't require any notice if he 
    is default in rent... which it sounds like he is).  Have the police 
    act as civil standby when he takes his things out, so as to make
    certain he isn't helping himself to things that aren't his.  
    
    The sooner this procedure is started, the less you are likely to lose 
    to him.  He sounds too selfish and self consumed, not to mention 
    abusive and self centered.  
    
    The house is yours and you have the legal right to have him evicted 
    from the property.  Be sure to get a restraining order against him.
    He sounds like the type who may want to give you a 'surprise visit'
    once he's out.  A restraining order will help to prevent that from 
    happeneing.  Also in the event that something unusual SHOULD happen
    the police will check him out more thoroughly as a likely suspect if 
    you have a restraining order placed against him.
    
    Skip
1306.7PIPPER::SHAMELWe all live in a yellow subroutineThu Sep 24 1992 20:4023
    If I were you, I'd take the end of my rope and hang him with it!  :^)
                                                                     ^^^^^
        > He has behaved in a way that is unhealthy and unacceptable. <

    You got it .....and from the sounds of it, he still is. I would
    confront him with this fact. It appears as if this guy sees you as
    a 'free ride'. He buys a new car for himself and *reluctantly*
    contributes 25% to the utility bill? - Sheesh! He is looking out for
    only himself! He appears to want all the CONTROL but none of the
    RESPONSIBILITY that goes with it.

    Why do you *let* him stay for so long? What do you get out of this
    relationship? What is the payoff for you? I toss these questions out
    as 'food for thought' - the answers are important only to you.

    If he has no money invested in the house (sounds like it) and, more
    importantly, if the deed/mortgage is in your name only, then it is
    *your* house. Don't ask him to move out; I would TELL him he is moving
    out by (insert date here). The only power he has over you is what you
    give to him. You hold all the cards. Claim your POWER! Nobody has
    the right to tell you how to run your life.

        Rick
1306.8Yikes!DELNI::SUMNERThu Sep 24 1992 21:0641
    I don't usually "follow the crowd" but if you have the means:
    
    	- Talk to a lawyer and do whatever you can through the legal system
    	- Make sure the police know if you have any type of restraining
    	  order. There have been some nasty situations here in MA because
    	  the courts failed to notify the local police of arrest warrants.
    	- Make arrangements with a locksmith to lock him out NO MATTER
    	  WHAT ELSE you can do. Don't trust him for a second to hand over
    	  the keys. My guess is that he has already hidden a copy away
    	  "just in case". Locksmiths are expensive but not very expensive
    	  compared to the other things he could take.
    	- See if there are any local private security companies around that
    	  will keep an eye on you and your house when the you_know_what
          hits the fan.
    	- Make sure your freinds and familiy know what's going on so they can 
    	  keep an eye out for you and so that he doesn't trick them into
    	  helping him "do something".
        - And maybe even let him know how many people know what's going on
    	  so if he does *anything* he will be the first suspect. This could
    	  be a tricky one so be careful.
    	  
    	 I don't know the guy personally but I kow the type. I wouldn't
    	trust him for a second. You can't treat him gently because everytime
    	you say or do something that you think will make him leave, he will
    	escalate the situation and do you one better. You'll have to make
    	sure he get's a very loud and clear message that you want him out
    	*NOW* and if he doesn't go on his own you will have somebody carry
    	him out.
    
    	 Re: 1 or 2 back, I'm no lawyer but... I doubt the rentor/eviction 
    	laws would apply in this situation since the relationship was not 
    	kept as an arms length business relationship and it doesn't sound
    	like there is a lease. If he hasn't made any substatial contributions 
    	to the property then he has no claim to the property itself.
    
    	Good luck...
    
    	Glenn
    
    	p.s. It sure would be interesting to find out why he has an "ex"
    	     in the first place.
1306.9Re enact the burning bed!ADNERB::MAHONFri Sep 25 1992 14:358
    Get a restraining order, call the police, and have them be there
    while he removes his belongings.  Then, change the locks,  and 
    get a nice ATTACK dog. 
    
    People like that (male/female) are unpredictable.  Play it safe.
    
    Good luck
    
1306.10boot him out and change the locksEARRTH::MACKINNONFri Sep 25 1992 16:357
    
    
    Why don't you just pack up his stuff, put it out on the lawn,
    and change the locks?  He has no right to live in your home
    unless he's got his name on legal document to occupy the 
    premises.  Boot him out and get a restraining order against
    him to keep him away from the house and your family.   
1306.11"Get rid of him pronto!"MR4DEC::MAHONEYMon Sep 28 1992 13:5217
    He can only bother you IF YOU ALLOW HIM to do it. 
    
    YOU own YOUR HOUSE, YOU OWE him NOTHING! you're not married, there is
    no contract, no vows, nothing... So, it is very simple; get his
    stuff out, notify the police where his belonging is being left and
    change the locks. Do write HIM OFF YOUR LIFE! the sooner the better!
    
    There are too many nice, good people in the world to worry and
    waste your time with such a "jewel" as the one you're dealing with
    now...he should have been "on the street" and out of your life a 
    looooong time ago. 
    
    Do go to the police to protect yourself... he sounds real sick in the
    head... I just wouldn't trust him ONE BIT.
    
    Good luck. Ana
    
1306.12Stand up for yourself!PEKING::SMITHS2The Pink Pedaller!Mon Sep 28 1992 14:2023
    
    I have to agree with the previous replies.  Don't ask him to leave -
    *tell* him he's leaving.  Life is too short to waste on someone like
    this.  If you don't want to have the police there, is there a male
    friend you could ask to come round while he moves out?  Chucking his
    things out on the street could cause a nasty scene, but if it's the
    only way of getting rid of him you'll have to resort to it.
    
    It sounds like you're being too soft on him (IMO) and he feels alot of
    power over you.  Telling you he'll leave when he feels like it show
    very little respect for you.  Be more assertive and let him know you
    mean business this time.  Don't give him two months to change - if you
    must try this tack two weeks would be quite long enough.  And make sure
    he knows that you've involved the police.
    
    If you're not naturally an assertive person the advice you're being
    given here probably seems very scary, however you'll have to take the
    bull by the horns if your life's going to get any better.
    
    Take care, and let us know how you get on.
    
    Sam
    
1306.13Reply from anonymous author of base noteQUARK::MODERATORSat Nov 07 1992 19:0817
Thank you to everyone who replied. You helped me a great deal through
this. Some of your replies helped me to understand and also to confirm
my feelings.

The deed is done. He left yesterday. I told him last tues that if he
didn't leave by the end of the week - I would have him removed.

He left on his own. I called into work and I stayed home and helped 
him pack. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I know it was necessary and I know it was the right thing to do.

I'm hurting now. I miss him - even though I try to remind myself of
all the things that happened. There was still some good things.
He has left the state and I know he won't be back. He called me last
night to tell me he was in PA. He wants me to move and be with him
once he gets settled and gets a job and a place. I know that I won't
ever be moving in with him. How come it's soooo hard to say good bye?