Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Sorry, forgot my name.
    
    Thanks,
    
    Linda

    Sounds like it is time to cool it and put some space between the two of
    you. You may have burned out the relationship too fast at the beginning
    by spending so much time together. Or, it is a situation where you
    can't be friends and date at the same time. I've never successfully
    dated a "good friend." Either they are a friend, or they are
    relationship. My suggestion: don't call, write, or contact him. Put
    some space between you. If he comes sniffing around then come right out
    and question his behavior before agreeing to seeing him again,
    otherwise you'll be caught in a yoyo pattern of hurt over and over
    again.

    It sounds to me like he wants out of the relationship and he wants
    you to be the one to initiate the break-up, so he's being nasty and
    just waiting for you to get fed up.

    RE.3
    Ditto.
    
    -j
    

    re: .3 and .4
    
    What they said.  
    
    Lynne
    

re: .2  and  .3 

I agree

Carla

    
    	He sounds pretty dis-functional to me. By that I mean he's acting
    out his true feelings about you, instead of simply telling you what 
    they are. Actions only speak louder than words for those who arent
    functional enough to use words, or "talk about it". If anything, he's 
    the one who's "wierd".
    
    	I dont buy the "GOOD friends" rap. It sounds to me like he just
    wants to keep you around, as part of his *stash* - a convenient "friend"
    for him to call or date whenever he happens to feel like it. I'd tell 
    him to take his "GOOD friends" offer and SHOVE it.
    
    	I'm sure you, like most anyone, would want a relationship with
    someone you can count on, who'll be there when they say they will
    and who is open and honest enough with themselves - and you - to be
    able to tell you how they feel. These are like, *minimum* requirements
    and ones you certainly deserve to have. They're ones we all deserve
    to have in a relationship. Without them, why even bother?
    
    	Joe

    I know how you are feeling.  I also know that you really want this 
    relationship to continue.  But, is really worth it?
    
    I was in a simiiar situation.  I got tired of trying to second guess
    the guy.  He never called when he said he would.  A couple times, he
    was suppose to stop by and never showed.  There was Excuse, after 
    Excuse, after Excuse.  The frosting on the cake was last Saturday, 
    when he stood me up on my Birthday.  I finally decided enough 
    is enough.
    
    If you should decide to continue in your relationship with this man, I
    would only suspect he will continue to play his games with you.  As .2
    said...have no contact with him unless on your terms.  If you allow him
    to treat you in this fashion, in reality you are telling him, his
    behavior towards you is o.k.  Move...on and look for another man who
    will treat you kindly and with the respect and dignity you deserve.
    
    Keep in mind, it is nothing you have done to cause this behavior in
    him.  If it wasn't you...it probably would have been another woman, he
    would have subjected to his nonsense.
    
    Be Strong and Good Luck.
    
    Carol
                                                                   

    
    
    His actions sound very immature. And I agree with others, sounds like
    he wants to break it but wants you to do it. Find someone who will
    treat you with more respect than this guy. He will play you at his
    convience and when it suits him, so why wait around for it? He does not
    sound worth the time or the heartache to continue with him much longer.
    
    Maybe he thinks this is cool that he can keep you around on his terms.
    
    Find someone who can bring you more happiness than this guy. They are
    out there, trust me, I did it.
    
    Mary
    

    He sounds like one rude dude, bail out, there are other fishies in the
    sea that will treat you like gold!!!

He either doesn't know what he wants, or he wants out and doesn't know it.  In
any case life is too short to spend it on emotional rollercoasters.  If he can't
sit down and communicate in an adult fashion the relationship is probably doomed
anyway.  I would cut my losses and run.  (I knew someone like this a few years
ago and vowed I would never put up with it again.)


Brian

Friends don't do that to friends, let alone GOOD friends.

-- Ron

    Thanks for all the input, I think I am beginning to see the light.
    
    Tuesday night we were supposed to go out and he called and said that he
    had to work late, which I am sure is the truth as sometimes he works
    real late.  He asked for a raincheck for Thursday (tonight) and I told
    him to call me and I would let him know.  
    
    I was also talking to a female friend of his and she told me that he
    and I dated longer than he has dated anyone in the past 5 years,  Gee I
    must be real special or something.  She also told me that one time when
    I went to a friends house and he was there as was she, that my presence
    was very unwelcome because I was not invited.  The ironic part is when
    I got up to leave that night HE told me to stay with him so that we
    could leave together...
    
    Thanks for all the help I really appreciate it.
    
    Linda

.13> Gee I must be real special or something. 
    
    Even given the treatment you described in .0???

    Mike,
    
    Actually that was meant to be very sarcastic.  
    
    I spoke with him on Friday night, we played a game of pool, had a few
    beers and then I went my way and he went his.  He said he still wanted
    to date me and I told him that we would see but I wouldn't count on me
    being around too much.
    
    Linda

    
    Linda;
    
    This struck me as odd - why did this woman tell you that you
    were "very unwelcome" at a party?  I can see no constructive 
    reason to tell you this, unless it was to show how much he 
    wanted you to stay.  I wouldn't completely trust this woman.
    
    And this guy sounds strange.  I think you're doing the right thing
    distancing yourself from him.  Even just friends should never blow
    you off.
    
    Rachael
    

    re:.15
    
    [blush]
    
    I thought you were serious!

    That's o.k. Mike!
    
    Well, here is the update.  
    
    I find that I am doing well without seeing him.  I am not as upset as I
    suspected that I would be.  The only time I have a hard time is when I
    see him.  He has been looking for me lately, I guess avoiding him has
    worked.  I know that I don't want to start back in the same
    relationship that we had before, alls that I really want is to be abel
    to get along civilly with him in social situations that we will most
    likely end up at.  I just wish I could stop the attraction that I feel
    for him every time that I see him.  The thing that really gets me is
    that he is not my type at all...at least what I thought was.
    
    ~Linda~
    

    re-.1
    Have you taken a look at why you are so attracted to him even
    though you admit he's not your type? 
    
    -j

    
    I'm not sure. Maybe it is cuz he is so hard to get?!  
    
    The other night a very nice man presented me with flowers and I got
    scared. I was overwhelmed by the whole thing.  Although I AM going to
    go out on date with him.
    
    Now, because of seeing that this other guy is being very attentive of
    me, asking me to spend time with him before he goes away for 3 weeks.
    Doesn't want me when he can have me and now wants me cuz someone else
    does.
    
    ~Linda~
    
    

    
    Then what would you do if you DID get him? You probably wouldn't be
    happy once you did.
    
    If someone else is more apprecitive and attentive of you, then that is
    worth it.
    
    This guy sounds like he is playing games. And after a while, that gets
    old.
    
    Mary
    

    
    Linda,
    
    You have the right to be picky - as the saying goes...."there's alot
    of other fish in the sea".  If your not treated the way you want to
    be treated and deserve to be treated - look elsewhere.
    
    I have just finished with a relationship that should have never taken
    place from the start.
    
    I started seeing an Engineer of whom I thought was really someone
    special.  After a few months of an intimate relationship, he suddenly
    decides were "just friends" - no explanation, no nothing - just
    friends.  At the time I was separated from my ex husband and was filing
    for a divorce.  His fears were in that I may go back to my husband and
    he was afraid of getting hurt.  I understand his feelings and fears, I
    just wish he would've told me that from the start. Of course this
    ended the relationship and I walked away feeling hurt and used.
    
    A few months later, I moved out of state to pursue a career
    opportunity.  I wrote him a letter a month or so after arriving in
    Houston in hopes of at least being able to be friends.  Well this
    sparked him - the career opportunity did not work out and I was able
    to get back on board with DEC.  He and I communicated alot more once
    I was back at DEC and he decided he wanted to pursue a long term
    relationship with me - I still had alot of feelings for him and wanted
    this very much too - so we decided to carry on with an LDR.  I did
    however, try to tell him that an LDR is hard to keep up with, but he
    insisted that this was what he wanted as I was planning on moving back
    home in the near future.  I had flown back to visit him a few times and
    things were going great.  Shortly after my last visit with him (this
    past February), he contacted me and told me a close female friend was
    going to move in with him as she was having marital problems and was
    separating from her husband - he also proceeded to tell me that they
    might be roomates for a year or more and share rent (he used to date
    this woman) - under the circumstances I felt very uncomfortable about
    this and tried to break things off a few times with him - I must admit
    I put us both on an emotional rollercoaster ride which was not good,
    however because of my feelings for him - I couldn't seem to let go.
    He did assure me that he understood my feelings and the roomate
    situation would be temporary (6-8 weeks) - she moved in at the end of
    February and she moved out a week ago due to him having to fight a
    custody battle for his child, otherwise - she'd probably still be
    there.
    
    He started becoming very distant shortly after his roomate moved in,
    of which I'm sure it had to do with my objections to the situation -
    I did accept the situation and agreed to trusting in his better
    judgement though.
    
    Then a few months ago he started having alot of personal problems and
    suddenly me and the relationship had to disappear and reappear when
    he did and didn't need me.  I have been going through some fairly 
    serious health problems and have been in need of a shoulder, but every
    time I try to talk to him - he's either busy, doesn't have time, is
    too tired, etc... and I have really been wanting to keep up the 
    communication and keep the relationship going - but he has stated to
    me that he can't have any "deviations" right now and I am apparently
    one of those "deviations".  I feel like I'm the only one keeping up
    the relationship.  I've even tried to break things off recently and
    seeing someone else who has a definite interest in me - but am too
    hurt to get involved with anyone now.  He say's he loves me, but in
    my eyes - his way is not love - he seems to feel that his needs have
    to be met and to Hell with my needs.
    
    I've given him 2 chances and have been let down both times - I'll not
    give him a third.  It's time to move on.
    
    Don't let someone else slow you down Linda - I did and it's a painful
    ride - believe me.
    
    LG
    

    Thanks LG,
    
    Thank you for sharing that with me, I'm sure it was hard reliving all
    that.  I have given him his last chance.  He wants to see me tomorrow
    night as he is going away for a while.  I told him that I did not think
    that it was a wise choice.  It is going to be hard...it is very hard to
    walk away from someone that you care about.  I do know that it is the
    smartest thing that I can do under the circumstances.
    
    I hurt other people because of him, people that I am sure had only my
    best interest at heart.  I regret that and only hope that they will
    find it in their hearts to forgive me.
    
    Thank you again and I hope things work out for you.
    
    ~Linda~

    
    Well, like you - I've hurt others because of him.
    
    When I first moved to Houston - I attended my ex-brother in law's
    wedding.  His best man and I seemed to hit it off pretty well that
    weekend, unfortunately he was going through a shaky relationship
    himself and my divorce was just becoming final and the timing
    was not right - I was not into getting involved and he was wanting
    to get"uninvolved" (ha, ha), but we remained friends.  He came back
    out here a week ago - unattached :^) and now I'm really starting to
    feel stupid.  This guy is good looking, very successful, has a 
    warm heart, terrific personality, alot of fun to be around and seems
    to care alot about me - how come I can't seem to find the interest
    to start seeing this guy, he's made it apparent of his interests in
    me.......I guess time heals all wounds and it's gonna take some time.
    
    LG
    

    
    
    Re: -1
    
    Thanks for the advice - I've already done so.  We talked alot about
    both of our feelings - I was honest and upfront with him in letting
    him know that right now he'd be "catching me on the rebound" and
    that I really need some time to let wounds heal from the previous
    relationship and that I as well need to just be myself for awhile.
    
    He was very understanding.....and feels that he is willing to wait
    until I have had my time to myself.
    
    As for the future.....who knows.
    
    Thanks again,
    
    -LG