Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	IMHO, I think that "you" have to take control of your life. Your 
    allowing this person (I'll be kind) to ruin your life. Personally I
    think it's a bad idea to let him assume your mortgage. I think he
    know's exactly what buttons to push to get you to agree with anything
    he wants or needs. You may want to talk to a lawyer or legal council
    and discuss the harassment. Don't feel GUILTY, live your life. I'd give
    him an ultimatum, if he bothers you again you'll seek legal recourse.
    As for you new SO, he could be getting sick of the whole mess or you
    may be giving him signals that your still involved with someone else.
    	This is all conjecture but based on your inputs I'd say the guy is
    creep. If you don't want him in your life you must tell him point
    blank. If he still bothers you get a restraining order. He'll survive.
    	Good luck, I hope you can resolve the situation and be happy again.
    

    You remind me of someone trying to give up a highly addictive drug.
    Part of you wants to but another part doesn't. 

    Should you get offered the package I would suggest that you very
    quietly accept it, let him assume your mortgage and when all the bills
    are paid slip off to Florida and omit to leave a forwarding address.
    Get a post office box there which *ALL* your mail is directed, forget to
    install a telephone and start your life over again.

    Should you not get the package try to break all contacts with him.
    Encourage your family and friends to hang up on him if he calls. We
    just had a relative's boyfriend calling us up pleading with us to make
    her "see sense". He got three calls then he was told not to bother
    calling us, it took two hang ups to convince him.

    Basically you and you alone must make the break, I would advise you to
    be totally ruthless and ignore all blackmail threats of suicide.

    Jamie.                                             

    Take the package if it is offered to you, pick up your belongings and
    move ffar away as possible, make that break, you dont need to live your
    one and only life in misery. Get an unlisted number, and forward all
    mail to a PO box. I know it will be difficult but you have to start all
    over again. Do some volunteer work, you might meet someone that will
    sweep you off of your feet. The more you stay in that unhealthy
    situation the more sick you are going to get and it will effect your
    health in the form of ulcer or something else. Find a hobby to get your
    mind in a positive light and to get your mind off of it. BLOCK all of
    the past out of your head, when you start thinking about it, make your
    self STOP. That man sounds very dangerous and I would get away from him
    ASAP. Give him the mortgage of the house and say Adios Amigos...have a
    nice life.  You dont need that type of stress, and once you break away
    and start anew you will feel like a new person.  
    
    
    Best of Luck!
    
    
    Lynne

    
    1.  get some counseling, get some peace of mind for YOU.
    
    2.  get out of his life (as the other folks say).  I lived with a
    suicidal emotional sponge for several years, and it really takes
    everything out of you.  You are CORRECT in wanting your OWN life.
    
    3.  if you feel for some reason you  keep going back to him or keep
    allowing him in your life, maybe get to some CODA meetings
    (codependents anonymous).  Sounds like there may be some codependency
    going on that isn't healthy.
    
    4.  You deserve to live your life for YOU.  And no one else.
    
    -Jody
    
    

    Hi Jody!
    
    
    I second that emotion!
    
    
    She does not need that emotional baggage.
    
    
    Lynne

    
    
    basically i agree with everything else that has been said.  I would
    like to ask why you are allowing him to assume the mortgage on 
    your house?  
    
    I lived with someone like this for much too long.  It has been six
    months since our breakup and he is happily involved with ruining
    someone elses life.  This "child" for lack of a better word is 
    running your life.  Why are you letting him do this?  
    
    Remove himself from your situation and take an inventory of You
    and Your accomplishments.  Detach yourself from him physically
    first, then work on detaching yourself from him emotionally.
    Take some time out and figure out what  YOU want for YOU.  
    
    As for the house issue, I wouldnt allow him to take from you
    what you worked hard to get.  He is using you and by taking
    your house will continue to have a reason to be linked to you.
    Get out of his life or make sure he will get out of yours.
    I would suggest getting a restraining order on him as you have
    indicated a threat of violence.  Take care of  you!!!!

    I agree with everything everyone has said.  I also strongly encourage
    you to seek counseling and to go to some CODA meetings.  Also, pick up
    the book "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Letters from Women Who Love Too
    Much."  This man will continue to manipulate you until you find out why
    you allow this kind of behavior in your life.  I also agree with
    getting the restraining order.  Also, get an unlisted phone number and
    don't give it to him.
    
    Karen

.. seconding the previous stuff... 

It's a horrible situation, I think sadly there are too many of us who can only
too well imagine what it's like, who've been through varying degrees of the 
same, and still found out in the end however hard you try eventually you just 
have to get the ones who are like that out of your life.

Another book, don't know if it's available over there, is "Smart Women - 
Foolish Choices" or maybe "Men who hate women - and the Women who love them"
Both interesting and potentially very helpful.

It's horrible going through it but you might find you know and like yourself 
better after (makes it easier to give yourself the respect you deserve if 
you can honestly like yourself) and it's a hell of a way of finding out 
a really good friend...

Good Luck..  

Jo

    Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to listen and respond to my
    situation. Just entering that note has made me feel a great deal
    better.  Like I told someone who wrote to me off-line, I am a very
    private person, and have been keeping all this to myself. The only
    involvement other  people have in it, is when my ex contacts them. When
    they tell me about it, I just apologize but I don't talk about it. 
    
    I do not have any doubts or uncertainties about the decisions I have
    made. Especially breaking up with this guy. The only reason I have not
    broke all ties with him is because he is in the process of buying my
    house. I would  have changed my locks and my phone number, but the
    closing will be very soon, so I didn't bother. After the closing, I
    will definitely keep him away from me. 
    
    As for giving him my house, well I have no regrets about that either.
    Yes, I love my home because I put a lot into it, and it is a little
    scary to sell my home and not know where I am going to live, but that
    will all work out.  This is a tough market to sell a home, so if he
    wants it he can have it. I welcome the idea of being free so I can go
    anywhere I decide to go. The best part is that he won't know where I
    am!
    
    As for my knew relationship, the bad vibes I was feeling were from me.
    I still feel a little hesitant about getting involved with someone else
    at this time. My relationship with my ex has been over in my mind for a
    loooong time. The guy I'm seeing now, really doesn't know too much
    about what is going on with my ex. I don't talk to him about that. When
    I am with him, I am happy, and have a lot of energy. We have a great
    time together, so, the problems in my life are not bringing him down.
    We are however, very open with one another. I feel good about this
    relationship, and I am in no way dependent on it. If I do go to Florida
    with him, it won't be until the fall, so I'll have plenty of time
    before then to decide what I want to do.
    
    Thank you all for taking the time to listen. My problem isn't that I'm 
    unsure of what I'm doing, just that all these changes, and dealing with
    my ex began to really take a toll on me. I did take a half of day
    vacation yesterday, and I did go home and take a nap. I needed the
    sleep. I feel 100% better today. Thank you all for the support.
    

    Why would anyone sign over a house? If the low price paid was to avail,
    why not sell it on the market. Sounds like someone needs help, both of
    you. Someones on some serious substances and needs to get dried....
    Sorry, take no offence. But why not start out with a TRO, <temp
    restraining order>. Then get some help.....
    
    

    Note 1122 has more information on CoDA - esp entries 1122.9 and 1122.13
    
        Rick

    
    I agree with what has been said. Only YOU can take control of your life
    and get it in order. From what it sounds like, this is abuse, a form of
    mental abuse, that can get worse if you allow it to.
    
    No one deserves pain or frustration, if it is over, then it is over.
    It sounds to me that he is enjoying making your life unhappy and is
    trying to put you in a position that he can stay connected to you, I
    have certainly been in that boat before, until I just had enough
    because the person was using me and making me unhappy.
    
    It is good that you are not letting this affect your new relationship.
    Dragging you new friend into it could only complicate the matter.
    
    I'd am not sure about signing the house over, but it may be good to be
    out of there, and into a new environment where there won't be any
    memories of the past, and where you can find your own identity and get
    on with your life.
    
    Mary
    

    W-O-W, and I thought *I* was having a rough year! Since I have always 
    rented (a quick and easy escape) I cannot comment on the house, other
    than, I hope he doesn't drag out this buyout just to keep you around
    him.
    
    My concern is over the new boyfriend. There are a lot of issues here,
    first, he was a friend for 8 years. Once you get involved, and if
    things don't work out, is it worth ruining a wonderful friendship?
    Second, you are on the rebound. Right now anyone who is kind and unlike
    boyfriend #1 will seem terrific. What happens once the stardust
    settles? and you find yourself in a new state alone? you are going
    throgh  A LOT of stressful changes in your life. Sometimes it is easier
    to cope by handling one stress at a time. Can you temporarily move in
    with a family member? or a friend before moving down south? Have you
    explored the lifestyle down there? will it be easy to find a new job?
    
    Can you go to personnel and tell them you are thinking of leaving the
    state and you need to know if a package will be offered to you? 
    I always find it a lot easier to make a list of everything going on in
    my life and then to prioritize them. If you deal with one stress at a
    time it is a lot easier to look at the whole picture and deal with it.
    Can you have a lawyer (or third party) deal with the house closing with
    your ex so you won't have to confront him anymore? can you afford a 
    one-week vacation in Florida to check it out before you make a
    committment to move down permanently? can you look for another job
    within DEC now? before you move to this new site?
    
    Just some things to think about...good luck!

	Dear A,

	I am most sympathetic with your plight.  You ask about how to
	deal with stress when a lot of changes are happening.

	I'm going through a lot of changes myself -- a divorce, moving
	from a house in the suburbs to an apartment in the city, and
	looking at a change in careers.  I'm happier than I've ever
	been in my life, when a year ago I was as miserable as I've
	ever been in my life.

	Looking back, here's what I've done about stress:

	o  Don't go through changes.  Instead,  change.  Take control
	   of the change.  Decide to change.
	o  Realize that you are changing stuff because you were
	   unhappy.  Any outcome of the change will be better than
	   the past.  There is no possibility of failure, only
	   success -- life will either be better or Much Better.
	o  Trust your instincts.   Every choice you've made so far
	   has resulted in you being you, and you are wonderful.
	o  Laugh in the face of peril.
	o  Try not to listen to your friends' advice.  You'll hear
	   lots of different good advice and become confused.   (Actually, 
	   my friends have been wonderful in listening to me vent without
	   trying to tell me what to do).
	o  If you drink, drag your friends along.
	o  Think about yourself first.  You're no good to anyone unless you're
	   in good mental condition.

	Off the soapbox,

	-Jim

    RE: .0
    
    I've been through something similar, and alot worse, which I'm not
    going to get into...however...I was just curious about something.  Do 
    you ever think before you do things?  I don't mean that as a slam, 
    believe me...it just sounds like you act on impulse rather than
    thinking things through.  My great aunt used to say 2 things. The first
    is "Sometimes the best decision is no decision." and "When you burn
    your a$$, you gotta sit on the blisters."  Those two came to mind as I
    read your note.
    
    In my experience, whenever someone says they're going to kill
    themselves, it's usually only to get attention, to make you feel guilty
    and make you do something you really don't want to do.  Last year I
    went through someone telling me that he couldn't live without me, and
    that if I broke up with him, he'd kill himself.  It's too long a story
    to go into, but I wound up telling him that if he thinks so little of
    himself that he's willing to end his life, then he's got nothing to
    offer me, and I will not be responsible for his happiness...in other
    words, either do it or shut up.  He's still alive.
    
    You said you're giving up the home you love.  In my opinion, if you did 
    it to make *him* happy and make *his* life easier, then you truely are a 
    sucker.  If you were afraid of him, I can understand the pressure you
    were under.  I've been there, but enough is enough.  If you're happy
    with this guy in Florida - then kiss the home goodbye and go for it.
    AND MAKE SURE this guy doesn't know where you are or how to reach you.
    
    Good luck and remember - this too shall pass.