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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1244.0. "Remarried, still loves ex-husband" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Wed Mar 11 1992 17:32

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				Steve






    How is this?  I find myself being very melancholy and wondering if
    maybe I made the right decision.  
    
    You see, I have remarried.  I love my new husband desperately but am
    sure that I am still in love with my ex.  
    
    Anytime my new husband and I have an argument I consider if I should
    end it and try to reconcile with my ex.
    
    My ex and I are still in contact frequently.  My new husband finds this
    no threat.  
    
    I have a child with my new husband, none with my ex.
    
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1244.1SA1794::CHARBONNDme and the chimpanzee agreeWed Mar 11 1992 19:1526
re.0 
    
    >  You see, I have remarried.  I love my new husband desperately but am
                                                       ===========
    >  sure that I am still in love with my ex.  
    
    That one word speaks volumes. Are you 'desperately in love' with him, 
    or are you desperate _to be_ in love with him? Consider your next lines - 
    
    > Anytime my new husband and I have an argument I consider if I should
    > end it and try to reconcile with my ex.
    
    > My ex and I are still in contact frequently.  My new husband finds this
    > no threat.  
    
    Is there a strong reason why you're still in contact? Have you both
    really 'let go'?
    
    > I have a child with my new husband, none with my ex.
    
    What would you do if you didn't have a child with your current husband?
    
    Everybody has second thoughts about big decisions, it's perfectly
    normal, but at some point you either have to accept the decisions you've 
    made, or make an all-out effort to undo them. Sitting on the fence 
    forever is not a good option.
1244.2HEYYOU::ZARLENGAexsqueeze me?Thu Mar 12 1992 22:5310
    re:.0
    
    Reexamine why you broke up with your ex in the first place.
    
    It's very easy to remember the good times and to forget or downplay
    the bad times.  That fact is, you and your ex had reasons for breaking
    up.
    
    If those reasons are still valid, then you'd only end up apart again
    and the realization of that might be enough to end your wondering.
1244.3.0SLEDGE::RAUHI survived the Cruel SpaFri Mar 13 1992 14:4418
    Sounds like you were on the run from one marriage to another. Sounds
    like a normal reaction. Many people 1 year or so after the divorce wish
    that they could have worked on the marriage to make it better. But such
    is life. I know that I periodically grieve. I know that sometimes I get
    a call from the ex but because of her pride she will not speak to me on
    the phone. Just answer the dead silence please. 

    Most of us don't understand, sometimes, that marriage/relationships/etc
    are like the swing of a pendulum clock. The swing between, "I love you
    madly!" to "I hate your guts and I am leaving". So long as the swing
    pass's over dead center more than one side or the other you consider
    yourself luck, happy, normal. But, because of our disposable society,
    disposable marriages and commitments...... We throw out part of
    ourselves that really meant something. Those good times, like the bad
    times are experiences of life. Like a fine bottle of wine to be opened
    years later and savored more than to drink.
     
    So much for the rambling....
1244.4Monday morning Quarterback?CFSCTC::GLIDEWELLWow! It's The Abyss!Tue Mar 17 1992 23:5515
It might be interesting to consider how often you play Monday morning
quarterback on yourself.

A lot of people (me, for instance, damn it) seem to wonder "what-if"
more than is benefical.  Did I go to the best school for me, should 
I have entered a different profession, maybe I should have bought the
other house, and so on.

If you find you do this on a number of issues, I would guess that the
feelings about your current and ex have more to do with yourself than
your relationships. However, if you have these feelings only or
primarily in relation to your marriage, the feelings probably reflect
something about the relationships. 

Just a thought. Meigs
1244.5EVMS::NORDLINGERTo read the unreachable STAR::Mon Apr 27 1992 00:256
    Give your new marriage a fair chance - break off from your ex - 
    if only for your piece of mind and for the kid. 
    
    my opinion, 
    
    JOhn
1244.6Get Help for YourselfCSSE::PPARKERTue May 12 1992 18:1819
    I think this is a very sad situation for all of you.  You are cheating
    everyone, especially yourself.  Going through a divorce is like a death
    and as such, you have to allow yourself time to mourn the death of the
    marriage before you can get on with your life.  It is a painful but
    healing process after which you are ready for a healthy non addictive
    relationship hopefully.  (I have been divorced twice)  It sounds like
    you skipped this process and maybe have to do it now.  Keeping your
    options open with your ex is just going to confuse everyone including
    yourself.  I find it hard to believe your present husband doesn't feel
    threatened by this continued relationship which is usually put to rest.
    
    You will never have peace of mind unless you can make a decision and
    let go and put all your focus on what it is you want.  Counseling or
    even one of the 12 step programs for co-dependent addictive
    relationships may help.  I know its not easy, I've been there.
    
    I wish you the best of luck.
    
    Pat