Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I can tell you that having a parent talk to the principal can
    sometimes make matters much worse (beatings instead of taunts).
    
    How about transferring him to another school, maybe a private
    school?

        Your nephew has some choices to make, he can either let the kids
pick on him, tell the principal or other adult of authority, or he can fight
which, depending on the opponents size, may not be a very good idea but that
can be a very effective tactic, showing that you're not afraid to fight for
what is right.

	I think another problem may be low self-esteem.  I suggest Boy Scouts
as it has helped me deal with my problems.  Activities should sky-rocket his
self-esteem.  He should also look for friends.  People with common intrests,
who understand his problems, and can help him deal with them.

	He could get involved in Tae-Kwon-Do, sports or in an existing
club, he could even start his owm little "posse".  
	
        As for the problem with his parents separating, and all the other
turmoil, it may be best for him to visit a close family member, someone who he
can talk to and they would listen.  (Please offer him my condolences, as I am
only 12 years old too and been through some similar situations as well as some
other undesirable confrontations.)

James


P.S.  If he would like, your nephew can write to me at:
James Wolbach-Smith
6955 Sagewood Court
Colorado Springs, CO 80918

	RE:  .2

	Hello James,

	Thank you very much for your suggestions - they are all excellent.
	I feel your inputs are especially valuable since you are the same
	age as my nephew.  

	During Easter he will be visiting my parents (his grandparents) 
	in Arizona - he's pretty close with his grandfather.  The purpose
	of the visit is exactly as you stated; an opportunity to be able
	to talk and be listened to.

	I will send him your address today - thank you for offering it.

	Dora

    RE:  .1
    
    Yes, I know sometimes having a parent involved can make the situation
    worse - I think it would be best if my nephew could handle it himself
    (knowing he has his parents' support, of course).
    
    I'm concerned that if he were transferred to another school, he might
    get the message that he should run away from problems, rather than
    deal with them... but it all depends on how severe the trauma is.
    Whatever happens, he needs to be part of the decision making process.
    
    I appreciate your suggestion; I will pass it along to him and his parents.  
    
    Thanks,
    
    Dora
    Dora

    re:.2
    
    Yup, standing up for yourself, even if you lose, can earn the respect of
    the bullies.

    He has to stand up for himself, even if he is small, he will get the
    respect even from the bullies.  Size does not mean much, I remember
    when I was that age, there were boys that were about 5' and were
    bullies!!  The more he walks away the more the kids are going to pick
    on him cause they know they can get away with it.  What he needs is
    self respect, and once he overcomes that, you will see the grades get
    better!  Be there for him, he needs someone to talk to, to reassure him
    and make him feel good about himself.

    I was thinking back to grade school and I remembered there was this
    one boy named Bernard (in my grade) who was always getting beat up
    by this big, older kid in school, named Eddie.
    
    One day Bernard kicked his butt in the schoolyard at lunch or maybe
    recess.
    
    Turned out his parents had sent him for boxing lessons for a year
    and he just uncorked it all one day, when he felt sure of himself.
    Bang!  Big bad bully dropped like a rock.  And his friends weren't
    interested in fighting anymore that day.
    
    Eddie and his friends left him alone after that.  I started hanging
    around with Bernard after that.  :^)

Dora,  

A few more thoughts for the heap. Your newphew's current adventures
remind me of my own kidhood. I had two problems. 

One, already mentioned here, was an almost total absense of
self-esteem.  Looking back, it seems that the ability to do a few 
things well gave me a small island of confidence in an ocean of
anxiety and awkwardness. I think he might benefit quite a bit if his
parents could configure the world so that his life regularly
includes something he likes and learns to do well. Boy scouts was
suggested... tennis lessons ... swimming, diving lessons, dancing
lessons (if he is up for it), horseback riding, acting, music lessons,
film making, self defence, gymnastics, drawing, cartooning, chess
club, juggling. Maybe even volunteer work to help him get a larger 
view of the universe.

Two, I was extremely nearsighted as a kid (20/400) but no one knew it.
Being so nearsighted made a great many things hard, awkward, or 
impossible. I thought I was *sooooo* dim because I never noticed 
things everyone else did.  I nearly fainted when I got glasses in the
5th grade and saw everything I had been missing. There is always the
chance your newphew could have a vision or hearing problem that has
not been noticed. It's harder to connect with the world when you can't 
quite hear it or see it.

Good luck to him. Kidhood can be extemely tough.  Meigs

    I am 5'2", weight under 100 lbs, I was always smaller then the average
    kid, but my folks always told me to stand up for myself. Which means
    when someone made a comment about my weight, they got their glasses
    broken or their finger bent back so far, that it was almost broken. And
    I stuck up for a freind once, cause she was getting made fun of, yes I
    kicked a boys butt! And my freind was at least 5'6"!!!
    
    Doent matter how big you are, it is getting respect from the other
    kids, and once you show them that you are not afraid, they will not be
    taking lunch money away, or throwing books in the mud or other cruelty
    that kids usually do to others!
    
    
    Lynne ;-)

    RE-.1
    Dynamite comes in small packages.
    
    -j
    
    

    Sure does !! ;-)