Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    This one I have personally experienced and I can assure you it is no
    easy task. So with the benefit of hindsight I would recommend the
    following.

    Inform them that the docs are a bit puzzled and  want to do some more
    tests. There is no point getting everyone all upset in case it is
    nothing.

    If the tests prove that you are going to be OK then no harm has been
    done.

    On the other hand if things do not look good you must carefully quiz
    your doctor on what your prognosis is. I would advise the use of the
    word prognosis as it tends to elicit more detailed responses from the
    doctors. Replies like "80% after 5 years" means that 2 in ten will die
    within the first 5 years, and "The quality of your life will slowly
    degrade", means you are going to die. 

    Next read all that you can about your condition. Large bookshops will
    let you sit in their medical section for ages reading without you
    having to buy anything. If any of your personal friends are doctors
    pick their brains without mercy.

    When you have the all facts, then is it time to start telling people.

    Now no matter how carefully you choose your words some will totally
    misinterpret what you said. 

    In my case I spent nearly an hour on the phone telling my mother that I
    was going to have a heart transplant operation and the survival rate
    from this was good, but less than 100%. I had a suspicion that she had
    not taken it in and had a doctor friend phone her back a day later. She
    was totally convinced that I was going to die and had given up the will
    to live!

    Actually at first your impulse will be to avoid telling people, after a
    while this will fade and you will not mind talking about it. Be
    prepared for some people to shun you, this is embarrassment on their
    part as they do not know how to deal with death.

    If your problem was along the lines of mine, I gradually wasted a way
    until I was a living skeleton, then be prepared for anyone that has not
    seen you for some time to have a bad shock. It will be your job to
    comfort them.

    Apart from that play it by ear.

    I most sincerely hope that your diagnosis is a good one and wish you
    luck. Should you wish to contact me by Email, my address currently
    resides on the top left of your screen, please feel free to use it.

    Jamie.

    I would feel obliged to tell my wife that additional tests are
    necessary.
    
    				herb

    
    Personally, I think I'd share completely with those closest to me
    because I'D need THEIR support (yes, I'd need to comfort them too, but
    primarily I'd probably be going crazy with worry and fear myself!)
    
    And I feel relationships are richest when we are fully present to one
    another (with nothing hidden).  Complete relationships are not
    necessarily the smoothest, but they're the most whole.  It's hard to
    really be with someone you love if there's something big you're not
    telling them.
    
    note, I've never been in this situation before.
    
    -Jody
    

   Re:  .0
   
The right thing is going to depend on the relative strengths of
the people involved, how much uncertainty they can bear, and how
much support the "patient" needs.  

My principles would tell me not to burden my wife with the gory
details of the worst case analysis.  I definitely would tell her
I have a problem and that the doctor needs more tests before
making any diagnosis.

Since my eldest son is pretty tough, I might use him as a
sounding board about how much to tell my wife and my younger son
and my parents.

It is a very good question.

Dick

from personal experience with both my mom and dad, I'd say share at least
the basic known info with those close to you - let them know that there
is *something* wrong, but the doctor is unclear what until further test-
results are in.  If the doctor told you any things of "might be XXX or again
it may be YYY", I'd also read up *personally* on those things so that I could
be aware of what they might mean and prepare myself to ask the doctor specific
questions based on the results of the testing.  I probably *wouldn't* go thru
these things with others though, especially if there are extremes unless I
felt that they wouldn't "go off the deep end" with the extremes (by extremes,
I guess I'm trying to say one possibility says "3 month life expectancy", the
other says "easily treatable and rarely reoccurs" or something like that).

One very heart-felt request from me, basenoter - if you ARE going to tell
anyone anything, either before or after the results are in, PLEASE be
prepared to talk with them and listen to them and let them help you.  The
hardest years of my life were knowing my mother was dying and being told we
couldn't talk to her about it because she "didn't want us to know".  If you're
not willing to talk about it, don't tell !

Best of luck - I sincerely hope the results come back with minimal impact to
you and those you love/care about.

Debbi J

    I was once in the same situation. Doctors believed that I had a brain
    tumour. We did not yet know the results of the tests and had to wait for
    them for 2 weeks. In the meantime I told my husband, not quite straight
    away but a few days later when I could deal myself with the problem, 
    I suppose I wanted him to be prepared and he is also my best friend. 
    I did not tell anyone else and certainly not my parents, they would have 
    worried too much and it would not have been of any help to me. 
    During the 2 weeks I was waiting for the results, I thought of the 
    consequences quite often but I avoided talking about them, it was no point. 
    I did not feel nervous and was not over worried. I was fortunate enough, 
    the results were negative. I'm now partly deaf and doctors still do not 
    know the reason. I only told my friends and relations when everything 
    was over. I believe it was the best solution in my case.
    
    Take care and try to get your mind occupied with the other things.
    
    Valie.
                       

    Deciding who you should tell at this moment should mainly be judged on
    the person that you are going to tell. Some are much more able to deal
    with things like this than others. I would strongly advise against
    telling a "born worrier" at this uncertain stage.

    Jamie.

    I would wait till the tests are done before you tell your family, if
    they are positive then you have nothing to worry about.
    
    Good Luck!
    
    
    Lynne

    'before you tell your family'
    
    if by family you are including spouse...
    
    My wife would be furious with me for not telling her. Furthermore,
    after 25 years of marriage she would know SOMETHING was wrong. I would
    not be able to keep from her some sense of the anxiety I would be
    feeling.
    
    				herb

    I've been there. When and what to tell to whom depends totally on where
    you're at in relation to them and, more importantly, with yourself.
    
    Like others here my first reaction was not to tell anyone outside the
    family and I was quite annoyed when my wife broke the news. I needed
    time to integrate my feelings. Recognise that what was happening to me
    was the greatest gift I could receive. That was seven years ago. Please
    send me mail off line if you wish to talk about it further. I'm in all
    this week but sometimes don't have access to the network for some time
    so please be patient.
    
    Brian