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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:	What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:	ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI

Created:	Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:	Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1327
Total number of notes:	28298

1209.0. "Must in-laws be out-laws" by SRATGA::SCARBERRY_CI () Wed Oct 09 1991 21:23

    I'm interested in how other couples handle each others in-laws,
    especially when relations between the in-law and the spouse is not
    good.                                                      
    
    I keep my family and my mate separate.  Well, I mean I don't try
    to impress my mate on my mom and vice versa.  They do not exactly
    like each other.  Long story.
    
    Anyway, my philisophy is to keep any "not good" remarks about each
    others parents to ourselves.  While I don't particular care for his mom,
    I won't knock it.  She has some good merits.
    
    My sister was upset 'cause her husband wouldn't defend her against
    his mom.  They have gotten into some pretty bad arguements, which
    I feel aren't worth it.  I told her to not expect her husband to
    bad mouth either one of them.  And his best option is to do what
    he's doing, stay completely out of it.  So, she doesn't go to her
    in-laws home at all and he goes there alone.  They spend separate
    holidays at each others respective parents.
    
    I guess that's how it'll be for me too.  I told my mate not to expect
    me defending him.  If my mom has an ill with him, then she'll have
    to take it up with him and vice versa.  I want no part of it.
    
    Being that my mate is actually my reunited ex, I wonder how the forth coming
    holidays will turn out.  One thing we have in our favor is 2500
    miles between our families.  I believe that the distance is a benefit
    in keeping the in-laws' input out.   It's wierd though, I wonder
    if I should sign his name in the X-mas cards or if I should send my
    own X-mas cards to his family, being that I never did before.
    
    I don't want to appear like a hyprocrite.  We've had some pretty
    bad talks in the past 5 yrs. and to now send holiday cards and such
    is strange.
    
    So, anyway, how much or how far does the spouse go in supporting
    each other when up against each others' folks.  You know, we love
    them both.       I hate feeling like rubberband.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1209.1		ARRODS::CARTER	An anonymous cog...	`Thu Oct 10 1991 10:38`	36
	In all my relationships my other half has got on very well with my parents. In saying that, my mother has reservations about my current boyfriend, which he knows about, but she is very open and works on the basis that as long as I am happy then she accepts any decisions I make. My mother doesn't particularly like some aspects of my Brother-in-law's personality - neither do I for that matter - but my sister chose him as a husband so we respect that decision and try to find the good in him. His family wasn't very close - since becoming a member of ours he is getting more family oriented and so is "fitting in" better. When it comes down to it my mother is the one who insists that in any disagreement the daughters "should" stick by their husbands/boyfriends. However, we would never allow a disagreement to interfere with the mother/daughter relationship. I think the secret is to see people as individuals - for example, my mother liked my ex as a person, didn't necessarily think he was the right one for me, but never said anything. And while we were splitting up gave as much help to him as she did to me. I believe that given you have chosen your other half - presumably you like them, and therefore if you get on well with your parents there is a good chance they will as well. I have been involved in a couple of relationships were my other half didn't particularly get on with his parents and this seemed to rub off onto me. Probably because when he had a disagreement with them I would tend to take his side (even if only in the background). If someone's parents see you as being on their childs side then that makes you a natural adversary. So if there is any animosity between parent and child it is unlikely a "surrogate" child is going to get on any better... Xtine
1209.2		XCUSME::HOGGE	Dragon Slaying......No Waiting!	`Thu Oct 10 1991 12:06`	21
	It can't hurt to sign your name in the card along with your husbands. Unless of course you DON'T want to get along with the in-laws at all. It took my folks a while to get used to my first wife, she was American-chinese and they (I suspect) had a bit of predjudice about it. But eventually they came to love her and accept her as my wife. They at first whould point out the flaws in her. Trying to make me see things in a different light I guess, after a while I told them I really wasn't interested in the comments and if they had a problem, to take it up with her. Eventually it got through to them that I wasn't going to change my mind about her, and after a while either they accepted her, or decided to keep their mouths shut about it around me... I never really knew which one it was. I don't see anything hypocritical in signing the cards along with your husband IF the eventual goal is acceptence, if it isn't, well to each their own. ;-) SKip
1209.3	INDIVIDUALS	ULTRA::JEWETT		`Thu Oct 10 1991 13:26`	24
	Although I don't care to offer advice on Christmas card signing, I do think this is an interesting topic in general.... I guess I never could see (and hopefully for my daughter's sake) won't see my son-in-law as 'fitting into' my family/my home. My family/my home is mine, and if my daughter is happy with the person she chose, then I'm happy. People are who they are - just like we each we want to be accepted- we should accept others for who they are. I love my daughter more than anyone else in the world, and I want her to be happy. Her being happy doesn't mean my choosing her college/her husband/her life. She is an individual, and I wouldn't want his parents saying, "Oh my Ashley's mother doesn't have this or that" - what does that have to do with being a family? I feel I have been judged in my former marriage far beyond belief. I think the conflict occurs when you have people who have expectations of other people. I hope for everyone concerned that you can work things out, family is family, there is nothing like it!
1209.4	It will never end...	SQM::SAXENA		`Tue Oct 22 1991 16:37`	4
	For centuries, most women have cursed their mother-in-law and then themselves become mother-in-laws and got cursed at. God please help us humans! Please.