Conference quark::human_relations-v1

1204.0. "An uninvited guest" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Tue Oct 01 1991 10:57

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				Steve






    I would like some advice on how you would have handle this situation I was
    in.


    And it goes like this........   I moved to AZ and that's where I met my
    husband who was orginally was from NH.  So when we planned on getting
    married we decided it would be in Mass. So all our family and friends
    could attend. I was like any typical bride. I didn't want anything to
    upset me or go wrong on my special day.  In the reception line this
    girl approach me and introduce herself to me as a OLD friend of my
    husband.  My husband heard her and turned to me and said "She's no old
    friend I went to high school with her and she was a little snob".  O.K.
    so I let it blow over.  
	
    Then we were at the head table begining to eat and she approached him and
    said "Well are you surprised to see me".  I was so flabbergasted by
    everything going on I didn't pay much attention.  I did ask who she was
    and what was she doing at our wedding uninvited.  It turn out that my
    husband had invited one of his friends and she had asked his friend to
    take her along and all she did was start trouble. We had a get together at
    my parents house after and she showed up.  She grabbed  my husband's best
    man whose wife was in the other room and propositioned him to go over to
    her parent's house and lay out by the pool.  Then she asked this other
    guy's girlfriend if it was alright if she could have  their phone no. so
    she could call him on this party that was happening. By the end of the
    night I was getting real annoyed with this person.
    
    My mother-in-law knows her but not well, and my mother-in-law was
    feeling pretty good. This girl's name is Stacy.  She put her arm around
    my 17 yr. old brother-in-law and said to my mother-in-law "I think I'll
    marry Todd".  My mother-in-law said sure go right down the line. BOOM,
    BOOM, BOOM.  Meaning she been with the oldest, the middle and now her
    baby.  Well I'm burning up but did not want to cause any scenes or
    start any trouble.  I just couldn't wait for her to leave.  When she
    did she came up to me and my husband and gave us both a kiss and told
    my husband she would send him the pictures of Mexico.  
    
    Well on the way to the hotel it was 30 question time.  He told me when he
    was living in AZ with some other guys from NH. Before we even met.  She
    went down there for a visit.  My husband and this other guy were suppose
    to take her to Rocky point in Mexico right over the border.  This other
    guy and Stacy ended up getting in a big fight.  My husband already took
    time off from work so ended up taking her.  He swore up and down nothing
    ever happen between the both of them.  He said I could see whatever
    pictures and none were of the both of them.  It's hard for me to believe
    but I have trust in him.  It did happen before I even knew him. Just the
    fact she had to be at the wedding and mention all those things in front of
    me to make me so upset.  I would have rather not to know.
    
    So this summer it comes time for my husband's 10 yr. class reunion.
    Before I agreed to go I made sure she wasn't going to be there.  He
    reassured me she wouldn't.  She went to a private school from 9th grade
    on.  So we get to his parents house for the weekend and his mother says
    guess who stopped by. It was Stacy she invited his parents to a
    pre-reunion party the night before.  Well I went off the deep end and
    my husband knew how upset I was and just wanted me to go and have a
    good time regardless.  I did but I was not happy.  They had a outing a 
    park in the day time and a formal at night.  My husband and I and my 8
    month old son were at the park with his best friend who was also his
    best man at our wedding.  I ask his wife if she liked Stacy and she
    shook her head "NO".  Then I told her she was going to be there.  I
    guess her and her husband had big discussion about her and she wasn't
    going to attend either if this girl showed up.  I asked what she was
    going to do and she said grin and bear it.  I couldn't this time.  When
    she arrived and saw us she came up to us and kissed my husband and his 
    best friend and said hi to us.  She cooed over our baby for a minute.
    I looked at her and said "And who are You" and she said "Stacy the one
    that showed up at your wedding uninvited"  I said "Yes that's right"
    She said "Well actually your inlaws invited me".  My husband felt a 
    little embarrassed and ask how she was doing and what she was up to.
    I just stood in front of her and said come on honey were taking the 
    baby for a walk.  She stood there speechless and walked back to whoever
    she was with.  My husband thought that was rude, but it could have been
    worse.  He wasn't too upset with me.  Our friends thought it was pretty
    good.  
    
    That night of the dinner and dance she caught my husband when
    he was going to the Men's room.  She told him we were both pretty rude
    to her at the park.  She asked why?  and he said I guess my wife just
    doesn't like you.  She said "Was it something your mother said at the
    wedding" he said "I guess so" and she said well I just wanted to let 
    you know it was good to see you, and he said good to see you and 
    walked away.  Well now she gets my drift.  The only thing I want to 
    know is do you think I did the right thing??????   
    
    What do you think I should do if, god forbid, we come
    across her again?  I can't be nice anymore.  She really upsets me to no
    end.  Just thinking about it all over again.  This happened in July and 
    one thing I don't want to do is keep on harping on my husband about
    her.  So I haven't mentioned it to him and I don't intend to.

    Thanks for listening to this story. It was a long one but I didn't want
    to leave any details out.

    Sounds like you got your message across loud and clear.  I doubt you
    need to worry about it.  Even if she does turn up again, I'm sure she 
    has the idea that you don't like her and want nothing to do with her.
    
    To avoid any problems perhaps you should mention to your in-laws that
    you don't like Stacey and would appreciate it if they would not invite 
    her along to family functions in the future. 
    
    Skip
    
    

    I would say, show her who is number one to you, and that she can not 
    control you or your emotions.  Go places, even if you know she is going
    to attend, if she gets out of line let her know, and if she is starting
    with your husband it's hammer time.  You only live once, sometimes
    not even once, so don't hold back whats on your mind.
    
    Bigilo

    It seems to me that this girl is accomplishing exactly what she
    has set out to do, irritate the heck out of you.  Ignore her.  If
    your husband accepts her pleasantaries and accepts invitations from
    her, then I'd ask him what the heck was on his mind.  Otherwise,
    you just have a pest that enjoys it only as long as she can pest!

    Sounds to me like she is incredibly jealous of your situation. The fact
    she had to invite HERSELF to all of these functions is a clear sign.
    Try not to let this bother you, YOU have a husband and a child and
    should just rise above her and ignore her. Obviously she poses no
    threat to your husband and she shouldn't threaten you.

	I'm with the other noters and think you ought to do one of two
	things....

		(1) ignore her if/when she shows up
		(2) tell her to "buzz off" as you did (nice,
			indirect, I think "taking the baby for
			a walk" :-) ) if she does start to 
			interfere

	The one thing I would NOT do is go out of my way to avoid
	her.  As one noter said, she probably out to rile you in some
	way so you're just playing into her hands if you do this.  If
	your in-laws like her, you don't want to make them choose
	between you and her, and (sounds like I should put in "G*d
	forbid" here !!) she marries someone in the family after all,
	you won't be able to really avoid her altogether.

	All in all, I think you handled it fine.  Keep your cool and
	remember......he's YOUR husband and SHE can't change that -
	only you/he can !!!!!!!!!!!

	Good luck,
	Debbi J