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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:	What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:	Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:	ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI

Created:	Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:	Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1327
Total number of notes:	28298

1200.0. "Affairs, Lies, & Friends" by MORO::BEELER_JE (Hit hard, hit fast, hit often) Wed Sep 25 1991 05:42

Let's talk about "affairs".  Specifically, sexual affairs.

First, the scenario and boundary conditions.  I made up this scenario
so if you have further questions about the situation - ask me.
    
Sue and Bill are married.  Assume for the sake of discussion that they
have been married for 10 years.  They have two children, ages 6 and 8.

For all practical purposes and external appearances they have a "Ozzie
and  Harriet"  type  of  marriage.   Financially stable, nice home, no
problems with the kids ..  basically, everything's commin' up roses.

You've known Bill since high school - you graduated together  and  are
best  friends.   You're  both 33 years old.  You've known his wife for
about 12 years - a fine woman who dearly loves her husband  and  their
marriage.   You  all attend the local Methodist Church.  Active in the
PTA, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, volunteer for charity work.

Bill and his family are literally the pillar of the community  -  fine
people.  No doubt about it.

One night, after a few too many brews Bill confides in  you.   He  has
been  having  sexual  liaisons with other women.  He's been doing this
for 8 years.  He insists that he loves his wife, but,  he  just  likes
*sex*  and  the variety thereof - it really adds to the "spice" of his
sex life at home.  He knows that there's a scourge on the streets  and
he "plays" absolutely, positively, resolutely "safely" - no exceptions
- ever.  He doesn't visit prostitutes.  His encounters are with  women
he's  become  met  at  work  (he  works for a large company) and their
friends.

Do you still remain the best of friends?  Do you keep your mouth shut?
Do  you  "lecture"  him?  Do you tell him to stop?  Do you threaten to
tell his wife?  How do you react?  Does anything basically change with
respect to the relationship you've had with Bill?

Suppose he told you that he was really bisexual (or gay) and  that  he
was  having sex with other guys.  He loves the family life and doesn't
want to change it just because of his sexual preference.   Would  your
response be the same or different from the above scenario where he was
having sex exclusively with women?

Finally,  S T R I C T L Y  for our esteemed female contributors -   if
you were Sue ... would you *really* want to know the 'truth' in either
case.  Don't forget - you have a truly wonderful life in  your  future
if you just leave things "status quo".  Bill truly loves you and will
never in a million years leave you for another woman ... or man.
    
Bubba

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1200.1	NO, I wouldn't want to be told	HAMPS::HAWKINS_B		`Wed Sep 25 1991 07:07`	14
	17 years ago I was married to a man who was having 'affairs'. I didn't know for a while, so was quite happy in my ignorance, however, once I suspected, I couldn't ignore the symptoms and found out myself who it was etc., etc. My marriage lasted 2 years after that.Once I was divorced, some friends admitted that they had know what had been going on and had said nothing - how did I feel towards them - well, they are still my friends and I really believe that if they had tried to tell me what was going on, I would not have believed them at the time and I suspect we would no longer be friends. Also, remember some wives do know what is going on and choose to ignore it. My honest opinion is - keep out of his marriage - talk to him maybe but not his wife - whether you stay friends with him is down to you, I know
1200.2	Anonymous reply	QUARK::MODERATOR		`Wed Sep 25 1991 14:50`	30
	The following reply has been contributed by a member of our community who wishes to remain anonymous. If you wish to contact the author by mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with your name attached unless you request otherwise. Steve Well, here is what I have to add to this subject. Several years ago, my husband passed away pretty suddenly. Well, a year or so after that I ran into this woman (and I use that word very loosely here) in a restaurant ladies room. I kind of knew who she was and she proceeded to tell me she had had an affair with my husband 15 years ago. It completely devastated me, I felt like smashing her one. After she told me, she just said oh, I thought you knew. Later on, I was talking to a friend about it and I found out just about all our friends knew but me...it only had lasted a short time but I often wonder what she got out of it by telling me then. My advice would not be to tell the wife, but do tell him the implications of what could happen and ask him how he would feel if she did find out or if it were the other way around. Would I remain friends, probably but I would think a lot less of him. Been there...as it's hurts like hell
1200.3		XCUSME::HOGGE	Dragon Slaying...No Waiting!	`Wed Sep 25 1991 14:51`	11
	I tend to agree with .1. It's good advice. And from what I've seen, sooner or later the wife (or husband) will find out if the other spouse continues to hae liasons with others. Heck, even the advice experts such as Ann Landers tend to say the same thing. If you know about it, it's okay to talk to the person doing it, but keep your mouth shut to the spouse. As far as continued friendship, it depends a lot on how the news effects you. That's a choice for you to make. Personnally it would depend a lot on the type of person we are discussing and the type of friendship we have as to if I'd stay their friend or not. SKip
1200.4	why did he want to talk about it?	AIAG::WISNER	Paul Wisner, dtn: 296-5452 (recently changed)	`Wed Sep 25 1991 16:39`	16
	Since, in your scenario, both the husband and wife are friends, I would wish that the friend hadn't told me and go into a deep state of denial. In fact, I try to make it known that I prefer not to be told "secrets" in cases where "keeping the secret" would hurt someone as much as "spilling the beans". In the aftermath, I'd much rather be "in the dark" with the wife (no pun). However, I suppose in this case, my friend felt he needed to talk to someone about this situation he's gotten himself into. Maybe .0 could tell us why he felt like talking about it. Does he want another point of view? Does he need acceptance (of his behavior)? Is he bragging?
1200.5	See if this helps ..	MORO::BEELER_JE	Hit hard, hit fast, hit often	`Thu Sep 26 1991 00:03`	23
	.4> Does he want another point of view? .4> Does he need acceptance (of his behavior)? .4> Is he bragging? Understand that Bill and I are as close as brothers - with everything in life we've confided in each other. We trust each other. This actually happened .. oh ... five years or more ago. I still consider Bill to be my best friend, but, we've really "drifted" since I left Texas (Texas to Cow Hampshire to California all in less than three years) and lost contact.... Basically, we were sitting in a bar commenting on the ladies, we were drinking (well, we were actually stone cold stinkin' drunk) but later that morning when we sobered up ... I questioned him as to whether or not it was the liquor talking or him talking. He basically said that we've shared nearly everything since high school and he didn't feel as though this was any different ... he just didn't know how I would react .. Hope that helps. Bubba
1200.6		XCUSME::QUAYLE	i.e. Ann	`Fri Oct 04 1991 16:23`	8
	I would really want to know. You say that Sue would "have a truly wonderful life in her future" if she leaves things as they are. You don't know that. Nobody knows that. I question how long one can have a "truly wonderful life" built on false premises, perception rather than reality. aq
1200.7	There is no honor amoung theives.	MJBOOT::TEMPSEC		`Wed Apr 29 1992 20:00`	6
	To Whom It May Concern: . . . You shall know the truth, it shall set you free. The present filled with pain is always preferrable to the future filled with deceit.