Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Sharing hobbies is nice but hardly vital.
    
    As long as the music nut doesn't bother the other person (i.e. uses
    headphones, doesn't turn on the radio in the other person's car), it's
    not likely to be a problem.  If one person wants the house saturated
    with sound and the other wants quiet, then it will be a problem, but
    not because of lack of sharing!
    
    		-John Bishop

    Ah, but the problem comes in when the partners have different
    expectations as to the degree of mutual involvement in hobbies and
    activities. If the classical buff insists that the partner learn to
    appreciate it, and feels hurt and angry if s/he won't... or if the
    non-classical (?) partner insists on tagging along to every concert and
    symphony even though it's obvious that s/he doesn't understand or enjoy
    a note of it... or if one partner wants the other to do all the
    learning, adjusting, etc. but refuses to take up an interest in the
    other partner's hobbies...
    
    This kind of miscommunication can be a very big problem indeed. And
    often it's the sort of thing people assume, so it may not be discussed
    early enough to avoid hurt feelings. "Why, if people are in love, of
    COURSE they'll want to become actively involved in their partner's
    interests!" thinks A, and is hurt when B shows no interest in
    bungee-jumping. And "If people are in love, they respect each other's
    interests and leave each other plenty of opportunities to pursue them,"
    says B, and is furious when A either requests that B skip the kayaking
    trip to go bungee-jumping, or take A along kayaking even though A is
    hopelessly inept, catches cold easily, and cannot swim.
    
    For heaven's sake, talk about expectations! [In case nobody's guessed,
    I've, um, run into a few of these little misunderstandings in my
    time... ;-)]
    
    -b

    re.2  makes some excellent points.
    
    My mate and I are quite opposite in personality and hobbies, however,
    I really appreciate or rather have come to enjoy, to some degree,
    taking part in his activities.  Since knowing him, I've learned
    to fish, hunt, field dress, get up early in the morinings, make
    more friends and cook.
    
    Our differences lie mainly in our personalities.  I'm very ambitious
    and hard working, and enjoy school.  I enjoy debates and hanging
    around very intelligent people.  He on the other hand can't stand
    to argue over issues, smokes like a chimney and loves beer, while
    playing Nintendo.
    
    After all these years and our divorce and reunion, we've finally
    come to some agreement on how to determine what's worth arguing
    and how, as well as, leaving each other alone to pursuit our hobbies.
     
    For instance, I'm very determined to finish college and earn a degree
    in Journalism and Film.  He's going to help by not complaining and
    take care of our 2 kids while I'm in school in the evenings.  I
    love to travel and I'm quite a dreamer.  Not him!  We argue quite
    often over our different interests and admit that we are really
    crazy people and don't know why we insist on sharing our lives to
    our hairs fall out.
    
    Anyway, after these years, I've found out that no matter how much
    I almost hate him at times, I just can't help myself in that I love
    him to death.
                       
    I guess you just have to talk things over right away in the beginning,
    'cause later it can get very complicated! indeed!
                    

    It's nice to have *a* hobby in common, but it is not necessary to
    have *every* hobby in common.
    
    						Ann B.

    How are we defining "hobby"?
    
    Seems to me if A *or* B does it, it's a hobby--
    But if A *and* B do it, it's a lifestyle.
    
    Leslie-who-doesn't-want-anybody-helping-her-knit

Stikes me that there is a quantum difference between 
having a hobby and embracing a profession.

Hobby                  Launching into new profession
------------------     --------------------------------------
a few hours a week     off at school and days/nights in class
                       and performing

minor money            loss or reduction of current income
                       money needed to support training ...

mostly private,        immersion in a new world
a few friends   

>    is it really important that those feelings can be understood
>    and shared and not just accepted ???
    
Might be helpful for such a couple to talk about the time and money 
that can be needed to change careers.  It's good to know before 
marriage that one's SO just happens to be thinking of med school. 
Does "acceptance" accept a time and money committment?
    

    Re .6: Weeeeelll... I know lots of people (including myself, at times)
    whose hobbies sound more like your "new profession" column. ;-) But my
    point - that differing expectations about such things can be VERY big
    bones of contention in a relationship - applies to both. I've certainly
    heard enough tales of woe from people who, as a long-term relationship
    breaks up, say (A: "We never spent any time together"; B: "But I was
    throwing myself into my work for YOU").
    
    Admittedly, it can be hard to discuss these things, since it often
    doesn't occur to people that something they consider an excellent
    opportunity or a rollicking good time might not seem that way to their
    nearest and dearest. So they deliver what they assume will be good
    news, from "I've quit my job and bought a farm; we're going to live off
    the fat of the land!" to "I've taken up electric guitar again. And
    guess what - I bought a drum set for you!" And they're so _surprised_
    when their partner doesn't go into transports of delight...
    
    -b

    My husband likes classic rock I like top 40 and dance. 
    
    He got used to top 40 and knows I like it so he does not gripe at all.
    I dont let it interfere with our relationship though, to me it is not
    important if he does not share the same musical tastes. I buy the CDs
    I like he buys the ones he does.
    
    Lynne

-b and Lynne raise some good points.  When my husband moved from
computing as an interest to computing as a way of life, I had no 
problems at all with the equipment and infinite number of
magazines and books that filled the house. 

If, however, he had decided to go into rock and roll -- and practice
at home for several hours a day -- I would move out.  Maybe buy the
house next door, but I could NOT live with loud music. By hour four I 
would be homicidal.   Same thing if he went into the kennel business.

Same thing, I guess, if he did something that rolled us into immense 
debt -- say he decided to collect Corvettes and pay for all ten of
them on time.   I wouldn't be part of it.

But ... if he wants to quit his job and run for politial office or
go back and get another degree, that would be OK. Maybe he wants to 
paint oils for five years. That's OK.  

Hmmm ... my philosophy appears to be "Dance all you like and whereever 
you like, just stay off My toes, thanks."   Meigs

    Real LOVE takes care of it... when in love you LOVE everything that
    comes from him or her! no need to adjust, you are in heaven with music
    or without it!
    Ana
    

    re.10
    
    The magic word "in love" is at the very beginning then as most things
    this love conquers all does slowly end.  Not to say love ends but
    the blinders do!  If there's something that you really enjoy and
    the person you love doesn't support you, you'll live to resent it.

    
    if the couple has music to fight over, it would soak up the hostility
    that would otherwize seek an outlet through fights over the credit card
    balance or the checking account balance.
    

    Good point, .12.
    
    Also, some people need alone time, and hobbies requiring a separate
    location (even opposite ends of the house or apartment!) can satisfy
    that get-outta-my-FACE! requirement.  Even brief absences can make the
    heart grow fonder.
    
    Leslie

    Re .12: In my experience, hostility doesn't get "soaked up" - if it's
    diverted instead of dealt with, it ferments and eventually explodes...
    
    Which is not to say that, for very mild levels of disagreement, it
    might not be more fun to argue about frivolous things than more serious
    ones. Seems (to me) that mild teasing about "that awful music you love"
    might sting less than "are you overdrawn _again_?", if only because the
    former deals with opinion and can be used by both sides, while the
    latter deals with one's shortcomings in a fundamental living skill [am
    I showing bias here? ;-)]. But even here, it's important to know what
    topics your partner's really sensitive about, and to avoid giving them
    the needle there...
    
    -b

    re .12
    
    An interesting theory.
    
    - M

    
    oh well, what do I know?
    
    not that I've any recent experience ;^