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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1194.0. "Man-woman "chem-mystery"." by VINO::MACNEIL () Wed Aug 28 1991 12:23

	What is man-woman chemistry?  Before you answer,  read the following
	scenario:

	Your single.  Your out looking around.  You meet someone, who I'll 
	call Pat.  After several dates,  you find you're getting to know 
	Pat.  You run down your mental checklist of what you're looking for 
	and you find that Pat is just the person.  Pat has the qualities 
	that are important to you.  The next time you talk with Pat on the 
	phone, and expect to make plans to get together on the weekend.  But 
	Pat is busy.  When you hang up,  you're surprised that you feel 
	relieved.

	So you go out on the weekend by yourself.  You meet Chris.  
	Talking with Chris, you find that Chris is OK but not exactly what 
	you're looking for. Then you find yourself asking Chris about 
	getting together again and you make a date.  The next weekend 
	comes and you have a good time with Chris but you become all the 
	more aware that Chris and you don't match up very well.  When 
	you compare Chris with the personal qualities you're looking for,  
	there are as many disconnections as there are connections.

	Home by yourself,  you look in the mirror and see confusion.  
	You had a year of chemistry in high school and again in college 
	but you still don't understand.  Why are you more attracted to 
	Chris than Pat?  

	I'd like to hear if you've ever experienced this mystery and, if 
	so, how you've dealt with it or what you've learned about it.
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1194.1One theoryELESYS::JASNIEWSKIThis time forever!Wed Aug 28 1991 12:4717
    
    	.0 -
    
    	I'm more attracted to Chris because, _on a subconscious level_,
    I pick up on distinct and specific qualities that are also shared by
    my mother. Having not ever resolved the impact of these personality
    traits of my mother during my relationship with her, my subconscious
    sees any relationship with Chris as an opportunity to re-enact
    certain scenarios...in the hopes of releasing long frozen emotions,
    and resolving past experiences.

    	It doesnt make any sense to my conscious; the check list didnt
    check, yet, the attraction is definite...illogical...emotional.
    
    	This is only one theory.

    	Joe
1194.2GNUVAX::BOBBITTand cool conversationWed Aug 28 1991 13:1713
    
    I have NO ideas.  I think a type appears that you tend to "imprint"
    (not sure how, but I know I am attracted to a certain type of person).  
    
    When someone falls into my "type" and enters my range of
    acquaintances/friends, I know in an instant there's chemistry.
    
    Many's the time I've been attracted to someone, or they've been
    attracted to me, when it was not mutual.  Sometimes I even wished it
    were mutual, but the facts didn't bear that out.
    
    -Jody
    
1194.3PAT as threatDEBUG::SCHULDTI'm Occupant!Wed Aug 28 1991 13:436
    Maybe Chris is "safe"... no chance for serious emotional involvement,
    no committment, no (dare I say it?) possibilty of eventual marriage.
    
    Pat could be seen (conciously or sub conciously) as a threat to
    freedom, someone to tie you down and take your money...
    
1194.4Chemistry Wins!!!SONATA::ARDINIWed Aug 28 1991 15:1015
    	Chemistry is very important IMHO.  Allthe woman I have had
    chemistry with in my life I find I still have it.  It seems to me to be
    something more than just 'sexual' attraction.  It's a subconscious
    comfort level with that person, a natural trust, a magnetic attraction
    that defies logic.  
    
    	When your single and open to a relationship you may try to be
    logical and all grown up about who would be a good mate for you but if
    someone comes along with the right chemistry they blow away the
    competition.  Their is a danger in committing to someone who fits all
    the criteria but who doesn't provide the chemistry.  Later if someone
    does come along with the chemistry, they will far outshine that logical
    choice.
    
    						George
1194.5MR4DEC::MAHONEYWed Aug 28 1991 17:4214
    When I meet someone I INSTANTLY know if I like that person or not, it
    may turn out to be totally different to me but still I like that person
    and respect his or her personality.  To be atracted to a person is just
    human nature but from that to really love that person takes a lot more
    than be atracted to his/her. I cannot explain what love is because it
    it measured very differently by different people... for me means a
    lifelong committment (for others a lot less) so I won't get into depth
    on that.  I believe in chemistry and more so, in my instint to identify
    real feelings from not so real within a person... it has served me well
    so far.  I committed only once and my instint did not failed me... I
    have a very happy 27 yr marriage to prove it, (which in these times it is
    not small deal) IMHO...
    Chemistry works? I guess it does.
    
1194.6opposites attract ???FDCV07::CONTIThu Aug 29 1991 18:397
    
    
    
    what about the old adage:
    
                 Opposites Attract
    
1194.7XCUSME::HOGGEDragon Slaying...No Waiting!Tue Sep 03 1991 14:2031
    I've developed my own theories on this, it's kind of interesting
    actually.  People live for diversity.  Something different.  New,
    Unusual, A different view point.... so on.  
    
    When we meet the 'ideal' person, they tend to conform to us.  They
    'FIT'  The better the fit the less the diversity.  The less the
    diversity, the greater the boredom.  Finding someone with SOME
    interests, dreams, desires, is great because it gives you both a common
    ground to work from.  But you also need the differences.  The uncommon
    grounds.  These provide the interest.  You develope a love for the
    person, you learn about there interests that are different from yours,
    some of them, you will find, will aid in developing you, changing you,
    creating new interests and avenues for you to explore and look at.  
    
    We need to change and develope, after all, we are always doing it,
    physically, mentally, and even spiritually.  Our outlooks today are 
    different from those we had yesterday, and willl be different from
    those we have tomorrow.  Finding someone who can have different
    intersts and desires that can be blended with yours even though they
    are different, makes for 'good chemestry'.  Finding someone who dreams
    and desires are the same as you have who blends in so well with your
    own that there is only a little or now difference takes away the
    potential for growth and change, and creates "bad chemestry." 
    
    I don't beleive that 'opposites' attract, but rather that disimular
    simularities attract.  These create highs and lows in the relationship
    and without the lows, you just can't appreciate the highs.  
    
    It works for me....
    
    Skip
1194.8a jungian view??GRANPA::BREDDENbob redden @DWO DTN 372-5317Tue Sep 03 1991 14:245
    The jungian model of opposites attracting suggests that we are really
    attracted to a projection of our (repressed) opposite gender selves
    rather the other person.  We can only get to know the other person
    after we have integrated our projection back into our selves.