Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Your pain does not belong in the background.
    
    	If you're entertaining the idea of having/taking on a foster
    kid to fill a void in your life, or to have something to take your
    focus off your own pain, please stop now and take a different cut
    at it.
    
    	That your pain is "unbearable" is understandable. But to use
    another person for the purpose of your own relief (>if I have someone
    to watch over and love, the pain will go into the background...)
    NO MATTER HOW WELL RATIONALIZED ("But we'd each stand to gain") is going
    to actually be...abusive to that person.
    
    	Your own pain belongs to you wholly and it's your responsibility
    to deal with it in a healthy manner. Talk to someone, find a support
    group for the kind of pain you're experiencing, instead of looking
    for some way to brush it aside. And never, ever look to "use" another
    person by establishing a relationship with them, for the purpose
    of filling a void within you or diverting your own pain.
    
	I've known two women in my life who have done this very thing.
    One of them was my mother. Another was a past girlfriend, who just
    wanted a baby like sooooo bad. In either case, the pain does not
    and did not go away. Even though it was never said, on some level
    I always knew that my very existance was not for "me" - it was for
    her. If you think it's tough dealing with your own painful feelings,
    picture yourself as a child trying to take them on, make it all
    better, be good enough so that mommy feels okay...
    
    	Joe

    
    
    I would suggest working as a volunteer with abused children before
    making the step to be a foster parent.  These kids take a long time
    to reach.  It would not be like having a nonabused child around who
    is happy and well adjusted.  Do it part time and see if it is something
    that not only benefits you but also benefits the children involved.
    
    Your note indicates you need something to fill a void.  Don't do it
    with a child.  Search inside yourself to find the reason for the void
    and work on that first.  My boyfriend's ex got pregnant on purpose
    because she wanted someone to love and to love her back.  Now this
    kid is shuffled back and forth between mom and dad and getting severly
    screwed up in the process.  And to top it all off this woman is still
    as miserable today as she was before she pulled this stunt.  She 
    refuses to work on her problems and prefers to blame others for them.
    
    A child is a precious gift.  If you choose to take responsibility for
    one do it for the child and not for yourself.
    
    Michele

I just re-read my first message and didn't realize that that was the way it
sounded.  I didn't express myself the way I meant to.  (I had 2 minutes before
I was going home)  

My first and last thought would be for the kids.  ALWAYS...I lost a brother
to cancer and he had 3 kids...if they ever had to be separated (we would take
them of course) it would kill them.  I would want to take in kids that don't
want to be separated from their siblings, that need love and support.  I came
from a very loving family.  every kid should...I want to give them the security
and love they need,even if it is just for the short time they'd be with me.

Now, I asked for some experiences that foster parents have had or if any have
been foster children.  Is there anyone out there that have dealt with foster
parenting or that were foster children?  This is what I meant in my first 
message though I did express my thoughts badly.  Sorry about that.

any help will be appreciated...I'm still in the thinking stage but I feel like
it's what I should be doing.

    This is a big step just like getting married.  If you never worked with
    troubled children start volunteering.  I know you are doing good with
    your intentions but dont forget some of this kids came from abusive
    homes or are mentally disturbed.  It would be a rude awakening for you
    if you did not do some research and work with them to see if you can
    handle a trouble child.  I personally think it is a wonderful idea, and
    if you can handle that sort of child, and if you can put up with all
    that comes with one, then give it a shot!
    
    Good Luck!
    
    Lynne

    I have always wanting to be a foster parent, but I don't have the
    time or the room.  I believe you have the right motive, to give
    and share your love.  I know someone who after having foster kids
    (two brothers) for about a year, recently had to return them. The
    sad part was not how attach she became and seeing them go, but that
    the father got custody again.  You see he was the abuser and the 
    mother's whereabouts are unknown.  So that's another problem you 
    might consider.  You don't have control of what the state or county
    will do.  And then knowing these kids are sent right back to the 
    the people that hurt them.  This is the part I probaly couldn't 
    handle.  But maybe you got the right stuff.  Good luck and I hope
    you do decide to do it.  This world is in such a mess that we need
    more people like you.                       
                                            
       

    Did you ever think of adopting an infant?  I dont know what the laws
    are for letting single folks adopt, but you would be raising that baby
    from birth, and it will be like it was your own.
    
    
    Lynne

    Lynne,
    
    Sorry but that is a 'hot button' for me... 'it will be like it was your
    own'.. as the mother of 4 adopted kids and one home grown kid, they
    are *all* my *own*.
    
    Bonnie