Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	I think the bit of wisdom you're looking for is captured in
    a number of songs and poems.
    
    	One says something like "Love is like a butterfly; you must
    let it go for it to live. If it comes back to you, you'll know
    you have it. If it doesnt, you know you never did."
    
    	Another says "Love is a rose but you better not pick it - it
    only grows when it's on the vine."
    
    	I admit it's a pretty tought concept to get; this idea that
    you have to let something go in order to have it. It's...just the
    way it is. You seem to be doing just fine so far and you'll probably
    do best to take the next 4 weeks one day at a time. Instead of
    agonizing each day over what the outcome may be, live your own life
    by doing your own things in the mean time. Doesnt have to have anything
    to do with dating others, either. 
    
    	Best of luck!
    
    	Joe

    
    I'm not sure I can understand the term, "put the relationship on hold."
    
    I suppose it's a figure of speech for, "hey... we're getting too
    involved here.  Let's quit seeing each other and date other people."
    
    Is this what you meant by her needing her freedom at camp to do
    whatever she wants?
    
    Sounds like she is having a fun summer.  Maybe this was a one-sided
    relationship, eh?  You're young.  Have you had many relationships?  Or
    are you jumping in deep with one of the first?
    
    Curious.

    
Hi John, are you a Co-op/Summer Hire?
    
    Anyway,
    
    >>but she needs her freedom at camp to do whatever she wants 
    
    
    I've gotten this line before.  This is not a good line.  Protect your
    feelings!
    
    Nick
    

    Since she is the one who initiated the "give me some space" it sounds
    like she may have met someone at camp that she would like to get to
    know better (i.e., date). There isn't much you can do since you are
    here and she is there. Sometimes it is best to let the other person
    experiment or go out with others to REALLY appreciate you!
    
    The important thing right now is to *not* dwell on this or constantly
    put yourself in a bad mood by thinking about what she is doing or could
    be doing.  Try not to let your imagination run away with you. I know it
    is really hard to let go, but you have to or this summer will be one of
    your worst ever. Try writing her a letter or just ignoring her (by
    phone or mail) until she returns. Start preparing yourself now for what
    may happen when she does return.
    
    Yes, you are 20 and have a whole life of relationships ahead of you.
    Try to keep this in mind even though right now in your heart you feel
    that this is the one and only.  Read books, read this notes file, talk
    to friends, but most importantly, DON'T dwell on this and beat yourself
    up emotionally.  This accomplishes nothing.

    THis is the third time I've tried to reply to this note, you comments
    remind me so much of my first REAL love, the one that taught me what
    love was, and how it felt.  Not the High School infatuations nor the 
    hormonal desires of youth, but the first gut wrenching tear jerking,
    I'd be willing to die for love of my life.  
    
    It hurt like hell when it was over with her... it really did and I
    don't think anyone ever really gets over that first real honest to God 
    love tht falls apart... some may be fortunate enough to be able to hold 
    and have that first love... some aren't.
    
    My advice... to this day, I really think that if I had just kept my
    mouth shut, listened to what she was saying without trying to read
    things into her words, and done as she asked as far as giving her some
    space, relaxing and taking things easy... not trying to "cram" so much
    into so little time whenever I was around her, things just might have 
    worked out.  IN retrospect I realized that I was very selfish in that 
    relationship, trying to get her to fulfill my needs, and wants and
    ignoring her's  (space, a chance to breath a little).  Well, live and 
    learn... I do that now with my current girlfriend... we have both said 
    "I Love You" and I've learned that in a relationship, patience is a
    vertue... and if the love is there, you have all the time in the world 
    to relax and enjoy it.    If it isn't there, then don't try to
    convience her or yourself that it is, because it will just leave you
    with that much more heartache when she finally has taken all she will
    and tells you to take a hike.  (Maybe in nicer words, but eventually
    that's what it will amount to... she won't want to see you anymore.)
    
    In other words... if she says she wants some space, GIVE IT TO HER...
    control yourself and keep in mind that if it's meant to be, you'll have
    the rest of your life to tell her how much you need her, to share
    things together with and to grow with each other.  
    
    If it isn't meant to be then you can have some wonderful memories to
    look back on with pride, if you don't push things on her!
    
    So much for advice... I hope things work out for you.
    
    Skip

.5 is exactly right.  But in your early twenties its hard to muster the
patience and intestinal fortitude to do it right.  This spring I discovered
an old friend was single, we started going out.  She needed some time to
sort out loose ends.  Told her to do what she needed and that I'd want
her back.  Walked away.  Now we both know that we choose to be together.
No games, hesitation, or what-ifs.  But it was a hard thing to do, and 15
years ago I don't know if I could have done it right.  Brings to mind something
from a Travis Magee novel - Meyer's Law is that "The right thing to do is
the hard thing to do."

Good luck.

    
    
              Hi it's me again, I want to thank everyone for
    
           the advice, and you are all invited to look in this 
    
           note on Aug. 19 to see how it all worked out.  Thanks 
    
           again, your advice has helped me realize that a little
    
           space is not the end of the relationship.
    
    
    
                                                    Talk to you in four 
                                                           weeks
    
                                                             John
    

    A girl's point of view:
    
    Hi, I'm Alice Turner, new here, and I'm 20 too, and, yes, in love with
    a man I'm going to marry. I have to say I agree with .5. But there's a
    but. You MUST say to your girlfriend exactly - I mean EXACTLY - what
    you feel about it. In other words, say to her "Yes, you can have the
    space you want, but first listen to what I feel about it: I want you to
    understand my viewpoint." In my relationship, the worst thing is to
    feel confident about something, and then find out later that I had
    really misunderstood his view: MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU FEEL. But I
    do agree that for you to give her space would result in greater respect
    for you on her part (and respect for yourself) than if you had laid
    down rules about who to see and that sort of thing, if you had rejected
    the notion of her "freedom".
    
    Anyway, best of luck! In a couple of weeks, I'll be in the same boat.
    
    Alice T.

    Joe,
    
    No you are not too young, I met my husband when I was 21 (and he was
    too). There was times when I wanted to go party with the gals (space)
    but after a while you learn to comprimise for the other person. Getting
    started is tough but if you love her enough, you can get through
    anything!
    
    Lynne ;-)