Conference quark::human_relations-v1

It'd take alot of the pressure off...
Some guys worry alot about how someone feels about them; they may not be 
getting obvious feedback from someone they really care about so this would
let them now where they stand.

If I was dating someone and she said it first, then I'd feel good because she
cared enough to say it.  I sure wouldn't be scared away from that.

B.

    My current relationship I said it first... my previous relationship,
    She said it first.
    
    So I guess it's 50/50 for me
    
    

    are only heterosexuals allowed to reply to this topic?

    I welcome anyone to reply.  
    
    thanks

    I said it first in all but one case.
    
    -Jody

    I don't remember who said it first the first time around.  During
    the second relationship, he said it first and frequently, and during
    the current relationship, I said it first.  I think it may depend
    on the person who loves the most being the first one to say it.
        
    Barb

    I might argue that Barb... I think it is the person least secure in the 
    relationship that says it first to find out how the other person feels.
    
    

    Lucky me, I was 17 when "told"! and answered same right back...
    27 years later we STILL say the same WORD to the same PERSON...

I think it's not so interesting who said it first.

I'm more interested in whether it is said, and feelings about that.

I've been seeing someone for a few months, and several times she's said
"I love you", but I don't say it.  We've talked about it some.

I tell her I care about her, and she's important to me, and other such things.

But for me, this relationship isn't one where I feel "infatuated", nor do
I feel I have a "crush", nor am I "obsessed", or "in love" or "gonzo" etc. etc.

In the past, when I've had a crush-type relationship it's been easy to say
"I love you" when perhaps it wasn't love at all.

But this one is just a steady relationship, and I think she might be someone
I could have a permanent committment with (I won't say marriage yet, because
I had one of those that didn't work out so I'm shy about that word right now).

Sometimes I hear co-workers speaking with the spouse on the phone, and they
end the conversation with

	'love you babe

or

	love ya hon

or just

	I love you

or

	I love you too

With such regularity it makes me wonder if they're expressing love at all,
or if it's just an "expected icing on a cake of questionable freshness".

I guess for me, I'd rather not say "I love you" until it feels totally right
to say it.

How about you ?

/Eric

    Eric,
    
    Good question.  What spurred this whole conversation with my friend
    and this note, is that I am in a relationship where I have felt like
    telling the person I love him, to the point where I almost say it
    involuntarily at various different times, but catch myself and refrain.
    I guess I am afraid of either a lack of response or of scaring that
    person away.  In black and white it sounds silly, but when the feeling
    hits me it feels very valid.  for me, I would feel extremely vulnerable
    expressing this feeling, altho I *do* feel like saying it, I guess I 
    am not ready to acknowledge it yet.
    
    Kim

    In my last two relationships, the men told me they loved me first.
    
    I have made the mistake in the past (in my early 20's) of telling men
    I loved them first and they let me know that I was becoming to serious 
    to fast.  "I was in a rush" according to them...
    
    I consider myself a woman of the '90's, but today, I would never
    tell a man I loved him first.  Rather obvious, why I won't!!!
    
    Carol
    
    

    .10
    
    say it if you feel like it....then it will be said with feeling....
    
    words come to easily for some people , but you can tell when it's not
    meant...if this person is meant for you he won't be scared away !
    
    don't miss out on a chance such as this...meaning being able to feel
    for someone...I am jealous very jealous...I miss deeply having a
    realtionship though i do enjoy sometimes being single , I would love to
    be in your shoes !
    
    Tracie.

    I don't really remember who's said "I love you" first.  I guess it's
    gone both ways.  I usually say it when I feel genuinely moved to say
    it.  And it has always been received well, as I can recall.
    
    I think it is unfortunate that some people will be scared by "I love
    you", and some will claim that you're moving too fast.  Since when
    does experiencing a loving feeling for someone and saying so have to 
    equate with moving too fast? 
    
    I feel if you have a good relationship with yourself and love yourself,
    it is easy to love other people -- and tell them so, and if it's a
    relationship with another person that has been built on honesty and trust,
    then you can deal with the reactions together - positive and negative.
    Granted, that takes a *whole* lot of courage!  But for me, it's always 
    worth the chance, one I've never regretted taking.
    
    Karen 

    In my current relationship, I said "I Love You" first.  I can really
    relate to a previous reply to this note in terms of wanting to so
    badly at times and just not able to get it out.  I finally came to
    the comfortable realization that this love was nothing to hide (from
    myself or him), that because I felt good about myself (both in and
    out of the relationship) to be able to handle his reaction either
    way, and finally, if I 'bit it on Route 3 tomorrow', I didn't want
    to 'go' thinking he'd never know how I felt!
    
    And so I said it.  And he didn't say anything back!  And I said to
    myself, 'well, you asked for it (the possible rejection)'.  But it
    was ok - that is, I was ok.  I really felt much better - relieved
    I guess because I hate not saying what I feel.
    
    And time went on; not very long from what I can remember; and Jeff
    finally said ILY too.  Me, being the blunt person that I am, asked
    him what took him so long!  And I never would have guessed his reply:
    He said that he was ready to tell me he loved me within the first
    month (I took 3 months) but was afraid he'd blow me away, I'd think
    he was 'crazy', that he was having a hard time getting use to the
    feeling himself...
    
    Well, it been over a year now, and we're planning on getting engaged
    this spring, but still taking a day at a time in terms of knowing and
    growing together.  So, bottom line is that I think the most important
    thing when saying ILY to someone is not doing so until you feel strong
    enough in your love of self - and that special person - that no matter
    what the response, you'll feel that solid feeling in your heart from
    knowing you can love and are 'worthy' of being loved in return.  

      Hmmm,this is an interesting topic.I've only been in love once,and
    that is with the person I'm with now.Up to that point I had thought
    taht I had been in love many times,even to the point of getting
    married.That was not love.It was the need to be secure.Real,true
    love with another person is something rare indeed.
    
      But back to the topic.For years I bounced from relationship to
    relationship in search of someone to take care of me,believing that
    I wasn't complete unless I was part of a couple.I always said ILY first
    in every instance,sometimes after a week,mistaking the euphoria of
    a new mutual attraction for love.Then one day last year I just said ENOUGH!
    I fell in love with the one person that I should have in the first
    place.MYSELF.Nope,this is not a conceited joke.Once I realized that I
    had to rely on myself for happiness,I saw the world a whole different
    way.
    
      I guess what I'm trying to say is;If you feel it,say it.Don't worry
    about what the reaction will be.I know some of you are saying that's
    easy for me to say,but it works.If you love yourself than you can say
    I love you to someone and mean it.If the other person feels the same
    way then you now both can start building a relationship.If they don't,
    to borrow from another topic,SO WHAT!Yes,it hurts but at least you
    didn't spend many sleepless nights worrying about it,and can get on
    with your life!
    
      I hope my rambling made sense to someone!8^)
    
    
     Kevin

>>      I hope my rambling made sense to someone!8^)
    
    
	It made sense to me Kevin!   Alot of sense...

	thank you very much.

	Mikki

    You are very welcome,Mikki!!
    
    KC

    I usually say, "I think I'm falling for you", and see what kind of
    response I get from that.  That is usually the truth, because it is
    when I think I'm falling in love, but not quite there yet.  But, most
    of the time the guy usually says it first anyway, because I usually
    like to get to know someone for a while before I even let my feelings
    get involved.  
    
    If a guy told me he loved me too fast (after only one or two months),
    it would scare me away.  Even when I see people liking me too much too
    fast, it scares me away.  In my experience, it's always took me about 3
    months to really get to know someone....alot of times it takes that
    long before I usually find something out that I don't like and end up
    breaking off the relationship.  So if I see someone getting too
    involved with me too fast, I would usually break it off because I would
    be afraid of really hurting them in the long run.  
    
    Therese

RE: .18

I've got a question.  If you break off with someone because they get involved
with you too fast, isn't there the possibility that sometime you might wonder
what would have happened if you had continued the relationship?  (I'm just 
talking about this one reason for breaking up).

Some people like being in love and enjoying all the feelings that come with it.
Others are more cautious.  That tells me that alot of people don't click on
at the same time.  Maybe those "faster" people just need to be told to slow
down?  Maybe they don't know that they're rushing things?

B.

    
    I know I am simple sometimes....[grin]
    
    If the phrase "I love you" results from feelings that you have for
    someone...then it seems to me to be irrelevant who says what first or if
    there is a responding "I love you, too."
    
    The fact that I love someone is not predicated on them loving me; it is
    based on how _I_ feel about them. I love all sorts of people who
    probably do not love me 'back' in the same way. That doesn't stop me 
    from loving them....why should it?
    
    Seems to me there is a distinct difference between 'loving' someone and
    wanting love 'from' someone in return for love given. 
    
    In my [admittedly biased and relatively parochial] experience....the
    former works...love is something you give away...you don't barter it
    for consideration in return. And the latter almost always sets one up
    for a big let down....expectations are such tricky things.
    
    Sooo...based on that somewhat skewed outlook on life...I tell people
    that I love them when I discover I do....immediately....just in case I
    don't see them again.
    
    hugs
    
    Melinda

    
    Re .19
    
    Good point.
    
    Another angle - maybe those who fall in love first *aren't* "rushing".
    They just have their own inner timescale for this, and it happens to
    be different from their partners'...
    
    In this situation recently, I (rather defensively) said:-"You can't
    "love" me - you haven't known me for long enough".
    
    The response? "So who said that falling in love had to be slow?
    You'll catch up with me :-)"
                                  
    I liked this attitude a lot - and I hope he's right!
    'gail

Not to rehash some very good points. I can remember sometime saying it first 
and sometimes not. I have a personal rule that has been mentioned here. I say it
when I feel it. That goes for later in the relationship. I say the words when I
feel the feeling, which may be quite often and sometimes not very often at all. 
Our lives vary and change so the "real" feeling is there at differing times.
This brings up a valid point. So many people, most people, feel like if I say 
I love you then the mate must respond and if they don't then there is something
wrong. Are they really asking "Do you love me?", or just making sure the mate
know how one generally feels. "My love for you is very strong" might be a better
wording in the latter case unless you are feeling the "feeling".

I will tell someone when I love them and not feel threatned by a non return of
the same. Maybe they don't feel quite that way yet or maybe they are not sure of
thier feelings yet. I never regret telling anyone, mate or otherwise. That is 
how I feel. If they don't seem to handle it well then it is time for a frank
discussion of the meaning for each of you and the degrees of love. Too often, we
seem to act like love is binary, that is it is eighter there ot not. Love is
really not like that. Search within yourself for that answer. Also ahow may can
say that they really know what love is. I know that my father loves me, but I am
not convinced he really knows what the feeling is and so has never told me 
directly. Even though the "old ways" are felling many of us are trained to be
tough and not show weakness. A truly healthy, human individual can balance this,
but others are still having trouble. Be patient. "I love you" can be many things
ranging from total devotion to "I was out shopping and picked up some things 
that I know you have been needing".

I am just glad that my relationships and friends know that I love them.

Brett 

    Melinda makes a good point.
    
    I have come to realize that some folks say "I love you" just to hear
    something back.  They want so badly to be loved, or accepted, or needed
    or whatever that they will say I love you just to hear the words back. 
    It is quite sad.
    
    I told Ken first, one  month after we started dating (it went something
    like 'You know, I think I am falling in love with you'.  His response
    was so cute 'i don't think I am falling in love with you, I know I am
    falling in love with you').  Two months later we married (and just
    celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary this Christmas).

    
    No matter who say's it first it's the words that counts. People have a
    way of holding back and things happen and you never tell the other
    person how you feel and then they are gone and you are sitting there
    trying to figure out why you didn't tell them.
    
    RE:7 
    
    Its not the fact of feeling insecure.  Let go of your feelings be open
    to yourself as well as other. If they take it and run with it or can't
    accept it it is not your fault you are just expressing how you feel if
    they can't accept it does that stop you from continuing your love.  If
    so the one that said it did not mean it.  
    
    Yes it can scare you at times but you will never know what could happen
    if you never say the words.  Saying I Love You is beautiful and it can
    be the start of your life with a great person.  Its not fare to guess
    where you stand with a person.  Just tell them.
    
    V. Marie
    

        V. Marie, I don't think it is so much the words that count.  I
        agree that guessing too much about how the other person feels
        can be detrimental to a relationship.  Open and honest
        communication is the way to go.  But why necessarily with those
        three words?  I know that when I say them too often, they start
        to lose their value, to sound meaningless.

        This is why I strongly believe that one can sometimes better
        show how they feel about someone by sharing themselves with
        that person, by laughing and crying with that person,
        supporting and being supported by that person.  The words "I
        love you" do have their place, but most often actions can speak
        louder than words

        As the writer of .23 suggested, some people say "I love you"
        just to hear it said back to them, because they want so badly
        to be loved.  I was in a relationship with a man who falls in
        this category.  He said "I love you" and was very hurt when I
        did not respond similarly.  It's not that I didn't care for him
        as much as he did for me.  I just wasn't ready.  He pushed and
        pushed, and I eventually told him I loved him, even though when
        I look back, I can see I wasn't ready to say it.  He must have
        sensed it, since he began to debate with me about the meaning
        of "love", to the point that for some time those words would no
        longer come out of my mouth.  Did I care for him less?  No. I
        just found it mind boggling that he couldn't see that I cared
        deeply for him, based on what we shared with each other; that he
        wanted just to hear those three words.  The whole experience
        was a very painful one for me.  To this day, I still think
        twice when I say "I love you" to *anyone*.

        Many replies to this note have stressed that we all deal with
        this topic differently.  I think this is very true and
        important to remember.  I would vote that we shouldn't make an
        issue of saying or not saying "I love you", either way.