Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I'd guess she's one of those people who doesn't think about going out
    of her way to see you.  I have friends in Boston and elsewhere who
    don't come out and see me, though I go in and see them.  I call them,
    they don't call me.  Of course, on the flip side of the coin, there are
    people *I* should be visiting who I just never seem to get around to
    visiting (often these are two-way lapses though).  
    
    Currently my car is acting flaky so I'm not traveling any more than I
    need to.  Could that be a consideration in her case?  Or has her car
    got so much mileage that it's not really a valid option for her?  I
    suggest you invite her out for dinner somewhere near where you live,
    for the gift exchange, and if she flusters and frets "well it's so far"
    point out its just as far from your direction.  I mean, it can't be
    wrong for you to want to share YOUR home with her (or your area, or
    your restaurant, or whatever), can it?  Don't ask these questions with
    baited breath - and don't sound like you expect her to back out - be
    sincere.  There are roads and dates I don't feel comfortable driving
    because of accidents in the past, or traffic, or whatever.  Maybe she's
    got night-blindneses and doesn't feel comfortable driving without lots
    of streetlights at night in the countrified areas.  I mean, it could be
    just plain unthinking inertia, but it could also be other things.
    
    Offer her your home or offer her a dinner with you, near where you
    live, and see what happens.  But be prepared for any repsonse from a
    "wow I never thought of that - sure" to a "no thank you, it's too far".  
    
    -Jody
    

    
    I've run into the same problem living in VT and dating women from Mass.
    Its a long drive to see these people, and they usu. act like its no
    big deal 'til I mention, them/her coming to see me. It would be nice
    to just have a little understanding as to how far it really is.
    
    You can try to be nice and act like its nothing , but you'll
    probably feel like its its all to her convenience. 
    
    My advice is stick to your own attitude, and let her know exactly
    how you feel about it. See if she will make any kind of effort
    to come and see you, if she claims to be a feminist it should'nt be
    a major effort to meet half way. But, if she cops the attitude, "If you
    see me so bad, YOU come here". Then, I'd say there is absolutely no depth
    to your relationship, and you should start looking for somebody else.
    
    If you let somebody walk all over you, they will!
    
    Good luck,
    
    Al

    It sounds as if it's never really occured to her to "go the other way"
    (from your description) I would suggest a subtle hint first such as
    Jody suggested to see how the idea seats with her.  I could very well
    be any number of reasons and by making a casual remark like.
    
    "Say, how about you come up to my place for dinner and exchanging
    gifts this time" you may learn the reason from her reaction...
    
    Don't be afraid to question her once she answers especially if she says 
    something like "Oh it's too far" or "I just don't have the time"  These
    aren't very good excuses.  But if she says "I don't like to drive at 
    night" or "I'm afraid to drive {name of road here}" then you have some 
    understanding that she has a legitamate reason for not driving up to 
    see you.
    
    Then you can decide what to do from there.
    
    Skip

    Gee, this sounds pretty familiar.  I had a friend like that once -
    I say "had", because that's what I finally did about the situation:
    I stopped calling her, and told her to give me a call when she had
    the time to come out to where *I* live.  She said no, that's ridiculous,
    that's much too far and I'm *so* out in the sticks.  I got the point,
    and although I'll visit friends who live 15 minutes further away than
    she does, she now lives "too far away" for me.  The difference?  The
    other friends are willing to come to where I live, or meet somewhere
    halfway.

    On the other hand, your friend may think that you like to drive or that 
    you're looking for excuses to go to Boston, so I think you should at 
    least mention it to her.  You could start by inviting her to a party 
    at your house or suggesting a restaraunt near you that you'd like to 
    try.  If she refuses because of the distance, you have two choices: put 
    up with the inequity, or find other friends who are more interested in 
    seeing you.

	Sharon

    This doesn't have a whole lot to do with cars and commuting. I'd say it
    has more to do with give and take and compromise (or lack there of).

    It took me a long time to figure this one out in a relationship I was
    involved in. It was always to far for him to travel the 60 miles to my
    house. Silly me I just kept making the trip justifying it somehow in my
    mind. It was really about his selfishness. 
    
    Gail

I have several friends who travel up to my place, much more frequently than I
travel to theirs... so I guess I'm on the other side of the coin.


1. People from London

My friends from London often come up to my place for parties (I live about 
50 miles outside).  I hardly every go down there.  There are several reasons 
for this.  Firstly I hold more parties.  Secondly, I have more space.  Thirdly
I travel to London every day so I don't feel like doing it again at weekends.

2. A friend from Luton

This friend came to see me quite a lot at one point, and I always thought it 
took him about 20 minutes.  There's more to do where I live, and I extended the
invites so I guess thats why.  A few weeks ago I went to his for an evening and
boy is it a long way (about 30 miles)  it took me about 30 minutes and I drive
a much faster, newer car than he does.  In his case I don't think that he
likes me more than I like him, if anything the opposite.  I think the key 
factors in this are the facilities, the fact that I asked him, and that he
doesn't drink (I do so I always prefer not to drive).


At first I had a lot of problems persuading people from London to come out and
see me as they perceived it as being "in the sticks".  Now they come - cos I 
have GREAT parties (she says modestly).



Xtine

    re: .5 and .6
    
        I somewhat agree, although both sides have cooperated, so it
    can't be about blame.  
        Having just ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with a woman who
    lived 100 miles away, I have a strong (and probably biased and still
    angry) opinion here.  I have calculated that I have driven
    approximately 35,000 miles to be with her in that span.  In that same
    span, she visited me once (200 miles.)  She claimed she didn't like
    it down in the mountains where I live (she prefers the mountains where
    she lives) and with 2 kids and over a dozen animals, she couldn't
    be mobile enough.  I bought that (obviously.)  However, within a week
    of brutally ending her relationship with me, she proceeded to fly
    the 500 miles to where her "soul mate" lives.  And she has done this
    a couple of times now; additionally, she has driven the 100 mile
    round-trip to the airport to pick him up at least a couple of times.
        Do I blame her?  Yes, but only until I recognize my responsibility
    in this matter.  I "allowed" this to occur.  I did not insist on 
    doing it any other way.  Similarly, .0 needs to decide if it's okay
    with him or it isn't.  If it isn't, call the cards now.  If it is,
    then don't complain about it, accept it and continue.
    
    Frederick
      

    Interesting and very familiar situation. My wife calls it "The Boston
    Syndrom". During the ten years I lived in Westborough, I became quite
    familiar with it. Although it FEELS like selfishness, I have come
    round to the conclusion that it really isn't...it is just the way a
    lot of people inside/along the 128 beltway think.
    
    As mentioned previously, there isn't much else for you to do except to
    sound her out. Specifically invite her out to you "frontier cabin". At
    worst, her reply will be illuminating. 
    
    But keep in mind that, to many long time Boston residents, traveling
    beyond the 128 frontier is roughly akin to a journey to the moon.
    Though they "know" all about everywhere, they have never been anywhere
    (except maybe "the Cape"), and you may be surprised to discover what a
    frightening prospect it is to them.
    

    To piggy-back a bit on .9, it is also my experience that different
    people have different "comfort zones" - some are more adventurous than 
    others in terms of exploring the world around them.  For these people
    it is enjoyable and even exciting for them to travel what appears to be 
    far from their own stomping grounds.  Others just settle in to the 
    surroundings of a short radius around where they live and resist leaving 
    this little "cocoon" of comfort and familiarity that they've created.
    
    Like Fred said though, you must decide for yourself what value and
    meaning you place upon the friendships you make and given this, what 
    you wish to do under the circumstances.  
    
    If you feel like dropping the friendship though, please bear in
    mind your friend's reticence in visiting you may not be for purely 
    selfish motives, but due to her response in challenging her familiar
    "comfort zone."  If this is so, (which you may not ever be able to 
    tell for certain) it gives you the option to change your relationship 
    on a more positive and understanding note -- at least in your own 
    heart -- and ultimately, that's where it all really counts anyway.
    
    Peace,
    Karen
    

    
    
    	My first feeling was that she's afraid to drive out to
    	see you. Maybe she's afraid of getting lost (even with 
    	directions), or going `that far' away from home...some
    	people are like this...I HATE having to go somewhere I've
    	never been before, by myself, even when I have directions,
    	I get nervous...IF she says that is her problem, and IF she
    	is willing to work on it, I would suggest you go pick her
    	up and bring her to your place - once - then ask her to come
    	out alone next time. That is, if you want to put that much
    	into it...Good luck.
    

    This is my first time responding in this forum, but I felt I have to.
    
    I agree with .11 entirely.  I have a real fear of driving long
    distances alone.  Getting on the highway and going is a very scarey
    thing for me, though second nature to others.  As .11 stated, even with
    good directions, I get very nervous and panicky.
    
    Those who know me understand and we either meet somewhere where I am
    comfortable or they come to me.  After all, they have certain fears and
    anxieties too that don't faze me and we work together on them, giving
    and taking for one another.
    
    I always feel silly admitting this fear to others, but in an effort to
    be honest in my relationships (both friendships and back when I was
    dating; I'm married now) I would rather "tell all" than send mixed
    messages.
    
    
    --Roberta
    

    Well, I read all of your replies. Thanks for your input; I think you
    gave me sound advice on this issue. 
    
    Just before Christmas, I called her and during our discussion I brought
    up  the issue of her driving out my way. I was straightforward, and
    told her that I'd like her to come out to where I live. 
    
    She agreed that she would like to, but she also mentioned that "she
    would come over as a friend" and "some guys assume something if you
    go over to their place." 
    
    Ah! Now we were getting somewhere...but where we were going was 
    someplace I wasn't sure I wanted to arrive. 
    
    I guess I can understand her apprehension, yet I feel odd that she 
    would even think I'd "make a move" on her. I mean, sure she's 
    attractive, but we have an understanding that we're friends. Hmm...
    
    Anyway, I'm not sure she'll come over after all is said and done.
    
    I will keep in mind to give her explicit directions, maybe even
    meet her somewhere if that makes things easier. And the first 
    visit will be a daylight trip as well (if it happens). 
    
    This past weekend I was driving around and noticing all of the 
    great things to do where I live. There's a huge Xmas tree on 
    the common of my town, some good restaurants, quaint little
    shops, orchard stores and rustic country shops...she doesn't
    know what she's missing!
    
    Stay tuned...
    

    Re:  .0


    	I dated someone like that some time ago.  After a while it just
    seemed like I was doing way more than my share of the work to keep the
    relationship going.  I brought the issue up, but the honest truth was
    that she simply didn't see it the same way I did.  No matter how
    specific I tried to be to plead my case, she really felt she was doing
    her part.  I haven't talked to her in some time.  I've learned my
    lesson, I know now that I can't make the relationship go on my own --
    I'll end up feeling angry and burnt out.  Better to cut my losses and
    find someone else who *can* pull her weight (or push it, I'm not picky
    ;-)).  (BTW, this is *not* to say that I keep tallies on things!)



    Brian

    I'm firmly convinced that people who live in Boston believe that
    California is the next 'town' over from Worcester.
    
    I live in Acton and think nothing of driving into Boston. But I've
    talked to several Bostonites who give you the impression that Route 128
    marks the circumference of the world.
    
    So given the above I wouldn't be at all surprised if the lack of
    wanting to drive out your way was just due to not being used to driving
    far. Let us know what the reason actually turns out to be.
    
    Dave

    Dave,
    
    I know what you mean. We live a good ways *west* of Worcester, and
    my friends from eastern Mass joke about needing a passport, or
    maps and a compass to go to our house!
    
    Bonnie

Re: .16

No, Bonnie, we don't need a passport, but sled dogs sure come in handy!

			Steve

    yeah, Steve, especially at this time of the year!
    
    :-)
    
    Bonnie

    ...but you'd better watch out for the *bears*!
    
    E Grace

    E Grace, you and Mike made it out okay! :-)
    
    How's Mike by the way?
    
    grin
    
    Bonnie

    interviewing.
    
    E Grace

    fingers are crossed!
    
    BJ

    Bonnie,
    
    Mike who?  :-)
    
    -- Mike

    --Mike
    
    I dunno, some geeky guy that E Grace seems to like!
    
    
    
    
    hugs Mike and good luck
    
    Bonnie