[Search for users] [Overall Top Noters] [List of all Conferences] [Download this site]

Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1116.0. "Anon: Regaining + Feelings over Insensitive Comments" by ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI (This time forever!) Tue Dec 04 1990 12:49

	The following topic is being posted anonymously. You may contact the
author by mail, by sending your communication to me and I'll be glad to forward 
it on. Your message will be forwarded with your name attached, unless you 
request otherwise.

	Joe
				*	*	*

I almost wish I didn't bring up the subject of cosmetic surgery with 
my co-workers, some of whom I can say are my friends; others who 
are acquaintances. 

You see, I'm going to have some procedures done that will improve 
my appearance. 

While some people have been really supportive of what I'm doing, 
others have made comments that are really inappropriate and 
insensitive. I wish I didn't even tell them I was having this 
work done on myself; I guess I didn't think they would react the
way they did (making jokes, telling me how painful it would be
"because they'd been through it"). 

The reason I've been telling some of my coworkers about the procedures
is that in the coming weeks, my appearance will change. I figured
that I'd tell them to take some of the burden off me of having
to explain it each time. 

I just wish they wouldn't say anything about what I'm doing, unless
it's supportive. I already have sweaty palms anticipating the 
medical procedures, when before I told them I didn't have much 
fear at all about the procedures. 

I really regret having brought it up. What do I do now to regain 
the positive feelings I had, BEFORE I talked with these people?
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
1116.1ESIS::GALLUPCan you say #1?! I knew you could!Tue Dec 04 1990 13:2820
    
    
    
    People get nervous about things that they don't understand and
    sometimes they make insensitive comments.
    
    If I were in your position, I would think that it would make me feel a
    lot better to confront the insensitive people and to just let them know
    that their comments hurt and that they weren't appreciated.
    
    You have the right to do anything you want with your body and I think
    if it's what you want to do, then that's great!  Don't let some
    insensitive, rude people get ya down. After all, THEY are the ones with 
    the problems, not you......
    
    8-)
    
    Hugs.
    
    kath
1116.2More Thoughts...HENRYY::HASLAM_BACreativity UnlimitedTue Dec 04 1990 13:4317
    Take a moment and think about why you are getting this surgery done
    in the first place.  Think about how much better you're going to
    feel about yourself and how much better you will feel about other
    people seeing you as your new self.  Now hold onto those feelings
    and try to keep others from jading your inner visions of yourself.
    Chances are that the people who make cracks now will be the
    same people who are impressed at the "new" you and say they *knew*
    it was the right thing for you to do.
                         
    A final note...If these individuals who are making comments about
    your upcoming surgery have had it themselves, you may want to ask
    them how they felt when others teased them and how they felt after
    the surgery.         
                         
    Best Wishes for a happier future,
    Barb                 
                         
1116.3You're the only one that mattersMR4DEC::DONCHINTue Dec 04 1990 14:2029
    As one who has undergone such surgery, plus suffered through years of
    orthodontia and dermatology work, I can understand how you feel about
    this subject. After all, your surgery will change the most visible
    part of you, and the route there won't be easy. Still, I
    think that the people who are making the rude and insensitive
    remarks *THINK* they are helping you by giving you all the
    "information" that you really don't need--I don't believe their remarks
    are meant to hurt you (intentionally) in any way. One other thought is
    the fairly common view, despite years of studies that say otherwise, 
    that cosmetic surgery is "frivolous." I've found that few people
    understand the emotional and psychological benefits, not to mention the
    physical benefits, that cosmetic surgery offers. And many of those
    people that don't understand are the ones who behave as your co-workers
    are doing.
    
    In my case, I had a horrible nose, as my father and aunt and
    grandfather etc. did. I hated my appearance and couldn't think of going
    through life with that beak. Well, I had the surgery (as my father did
    after an accident). And my aunt--who never had the surgery--told me
    that she always regretted never having the surgery done herself, even
    though she was over 50 at that time.
    
    I say hold your head up high, think positive, and don't even
    acknowledge a rude or insensitive remark. If this surgery is the right
    thing for you, no one else really matters.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Nancy-
1116.4to h___ with 'emPARITY::ELWELLDirty old men need love, too.Tue Dec 04 1990 14:5212
    I agree with .1 
    
    I also don't believe that they are intentionally being rude, I just
    think they're insensitive boors. Tell them it hurts. If they care,
    they'll stop. If not, just ignore them. Maybe they're jealous because
    they wish they could have something done, and it's you instead. 
    
    At any rate, just do what is within your capabilities to help you feel
    good about yourself, and let the rest go. You're not doing it to please
    them.......
    
    ....Bob
1116.6Base noter replies.ELESYS::JASNIEWSKIThis time forever!Tue Dec 04 1990 15:5228
	The following reply is being posted anonymously, by the base note 
author -

	Joe
				*	*	*

I'd like to thank everyone for their great reply!

.3, you are right. "Cosmetic" surgery is not so frivilous as it would 
seem. Unfortunately, many people do judge others and treat them 
according to their outward appearance. Who wants to be known as 
the "guy with the nose" or the "woman with the crooked teeth"? 
Few people are comfortable with that, and if medical science
can help you change it, yes, go for it!

I want to make a point here. I am doing this less for others
and mostly for myself. I want to improve myself. I don't think I'd
be having this work done on myself if it were only for others.
I have to live in this body, I want to make it better (eventually,
as good as it can be without driving myself crazy or setting
up false expectations). 

Thanks again for your replies. I would encourage anyone who has 
doubts about cosmetic surgery to go ahead with it, as long as 
you have doctor's approval and if you feel it would make you
feel better. If it contributes to your state of "mind wellness,"
do it!
1116.7Gopher it!!FSOA::LSIGELMy dog ate my briefcaseTue Dec 04 1990 19:2010
    To think positive again, just think of the outcome of the surgery, and
    how much better you are going to feel.  Some people dont realize what
    they are saing when they say it.  I dont think they want to hurt your
    feelings, one person might be fearful of surgury (which is not as bad
    as it is, I have had it done on my eyes to correct my lazy eye problem
    and it is nothing), and all they can think of is pain. Dont worry
    everything is going to go fine. Good Luck!
    
    
    Lynne
1116.8Anon member repliesELESYS::JASNIEWSKIThis time forever!Wed Dec 05 1990 12:2330
Feel free to post this as an anon reply -
    
The benefits of cosmetic surgery can only be fully appreciated by the person
having the proceedure. I just today finished having 12 of my teeth capped at
a personal expense of $6K ,sore gums for weeks on end, two visits to the 
dentist that had me in the chair 6+ hours straight and umpty dozen shots.
Some of the things that made it worth it for me were that I would finialy
have white teeth mine were discolored from large doses of tetracycline I
recieved as a child that left the old very grey. 
The old teeth were also very soft prone to cracking and cavitys inspite of 
diligent care the fillings were all different colors leaving them very ugly. 
As a result I now have beautiful white teeth that are nice and sharp I can bite 
thru the toughest steak without problems something I coulden't do before the 
old teeth were very dull from years of my grinding my teeth. I can also give
a big smile and show some teeth something I have NEVER been able to do I felt
ashamed to show them. I just got it done but I expect over time my self esteem
will also be improved.

BTW-Bonding is an option for some but it requires being redone every few years
nor will it straighten crooked or weak teeth.

Would I do it again YES!

As for the remarks I seriously doubt anyone meant to hurt you though some
may have been made in envy, most people have a part of their body they wish
looked better you simply may be fixing something they don't like about theirs.



-Smiley
1116.9PEKING::BAKERTToo HOT to handle,too COOL to be BLUEWed Dec 05 1990 20:387
    may I just say that when people tell storys of 'oh i've had that done'
    they sometimes exagerate , again not meaning to hurt
     just not pausing to think...some may even be jealous of your courage
    to go through with it....i say good on ya ! keep ya head up hi , you
    should be proud of yourself and the courage you have !
    
    tracie.
1116.10what procedure is being done ?HANNAH::OSMANsee HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240Fri Dec 07 1990 14:2719
What exactly is the surgery you're having done ?

I agree with many of the comments.  But I found myself wondering exactly
what the surgery was.

First I thought it not appropriate to ask, then I was glad when Mike
asked.

I can get real "heady" about the issue, thinking things like "none of
your business", "be sensitive to the subject at hand, the actual details
don't matter", etc. etc.

But then it occurred to me, sometimes acknowledging what's really there
can be valuable.  What's really there for me is feeling curious about
what the procedure under discussion actually is.  I also suspect many
other people are wondering too.

/Eric
1116.11you are courageous & an inspiration - thanks!CARTUN::BERGGRENThere is a shared center...Sun Dec 09 1990 14:5533
    Dear friend,
    
    I agree with many of the helpful comments given to you already as you face
    the weeks ahead and the cosmetic procedures you're about to undergo. 
    I'd like to add something I hope will be helpful.
    
    Putting the insensitivity of your co-workers aside for a moment, it 
    sounds as if an important issue is that the comments served to tap into 
    some nervousness that you already had, but had managed to put in the 
    back of your mind.
    
    > I already have sweaty palms anticipating the medical procedures, 
    > when before I told them I didn't have much fear at all about the 
    > procedures.
    
    I think it is only natural to feel nervous or even a bit fearful when
    considering any medical procedures.  Perhaps the comments of your
    co-workers can ultimately serve a positive purpose, that of bringing you
    more face to face with the "true you", the "whole you" as you get ready
    to embark on this new journey.  And this whole you apparently does have
    some fears about this.  That's okay.  You can just acknowledge that and
    oftentimes by so doing, they ease up a bit.
    
    I, for one, honor your fears as well as the joy and excitement you have
    about the coming new you.  For one good thing about fear is that 
    it is the best, (perhaps the only?) thing that can deepen and vitalize 
    our capacity for Courage -- the ability to move forward in the face of 
    fear.  So do not overlook the courage it takes on _many_ levels to do 
    what you are doing. 
    
    Best of luck.  You inspire me. :-)
    
    Karen                             
1116.12XCUSME::HOGGEDragon Slayer For Hire...Crispy!Mon Dec 10 1990 13:446
    Short and sweet...
    
    If it makes you comfortable with yourself... the heck with them and
    their comments... they are obviously insensitive louts with no class.
    
    SKip