Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    
    I took the plunge two years ago and to another State no less
    and boy, it was the best thing I ever did. The feelings that 
    you mentioned were exactly the same as mine. I did'nt move
    out on my own because I had to, I just felt like I wanted
    to learn how to be a little more independant and being a 
    single female, I was quite nervous at first. When I finally
    found a place which felt and looked like I could make it a 
    home, I settled in with my few necessities and of course my
    life long stuffed animals. I bought myself a bottle of almost
    cheap wine, and toasted myself and my new home.
    It wont be easy at first especially if you are going to live
    alone, but it wont be long until things start fitting in to
    your new life style.
    
    good luck
    
    sue
    

Gail,

I took the plunge when I was 26 and moved out of "his" place and bought a
place of my own.  That was in England and 6 years ago.  

Since that time I've realised there are huge advantages of living on your
own (independance, a sense of control over your own life, freedom to make
a mess with no-one telling you you're a slob, your own space etc etc).
You really can be as selfish as you like without it affecting anyone else.
And you can make your own nest and feel a sense of pride that you've 
achieved it all on your own.

However, I have known others who have become very insular an ended up being
couch spuds .... make sure you keep contact with friends and retain a healthy
social life outside of home ... otherwise you end up being alone.

Living alone taught me independance to the extent I left my home country and
moved here (Holland), which has in turn broadened my experience of life
tremendously .... one day I might even cross the pond and see how it is
over there !

Good luck, an enjoy it !!

Wendy

    One can get these feeling just making any change from the norm. Your
    comfortable with a routine, certain faces, and attitutes that suport
    it. Now comes a change, "FEAR OF THE FUTURE"! And this flick doesn't
    star Mike Fox, or Revern Jim and some wild car. Change is always a
    scary thing. Fear of failure also sets in, there is nothing to fail
    that you gotta report in to, execpt yourself. Happy Trails To You!
    
    George

    Ummm.... before I get to far,  Wendy,  'gail lives in England, if
    you crossed the pond you'd be going back.  I'm not trying to be
    a smart--- or anything, just thought you would be able to share
    more insight with her knowing she lives in your home land.
    
    'gail... I moved out at 16 after living with 2 sisters and a Brother.
    several hundred different pets... and the change was like culture
    shock.  Evenings were boring and I started to fall into the trap
    of watching the Telly then a friend of mine started getting invovled
    (she took the situation in hand and FORCED me to go out and do things).
    She was a very special friend and I'll always remember her for that.
    
    The point is that when you first start living alone you can very
    easily start feeling lonely, there isn't anyone around to talk to
    at night except yourself.  You start developing your hobbies and
    socializing more with your friends. Or you turn on the tube and
    "veg" out.  
    
    It's an all new experience and it isn't easy to just say you being
    ridiculous when you feel frightened because you're alone.  Eventually
    though you shack it off and start learning more about yourself...
    It is easy to fall under the shadow of a roomate (regardless the
    relationship).  Especially if you are shy or quiet, but once you
    are on your own... you eventually start to develope qualities in
    yourself and learn more about being independent.   You learn to
    hand situations that you would normally have called your 'mate'
    for and gradually become more self assured at your own abilities.
    
    When I lived at home, if I had a car problem, I told my Dad, he
    told me how to fix it and stood over me as I turned the wrench and
    corrected the problem, guiding me step by step.  It got to the point
    where I couldn't fix a car unless my father was standing over my
    shoulder watching me to make sure I didn't do something wrong. 
    When I moved out, that remained with me... I had gotten so used
    to having his help, that the first time I blew a head gasket I was
    too afraid of screwing up the job and took it to a mechanic.  The
    expense was hard on my pocket.  Eventually, having a mechanic work
    on my car was just too expensive.  With the encouragement of my
    friend I started working on my own trusting that I knew and had
    learned enough from my experience with my Dad to do the job right
    wasn't easy.  But the first few jobs turned out okay and eventually
    I built up my confidence and started saying "No Problem"  After
    a very short time I was doing work on other people's cars and making
    extra money doing it.  (Which came in handy...I was in High School
    back then and working a part time job money was tight and I nearly
    had to move back home a couple of times but managed to take on extra
    jobs at the last moment to cover my bills).  
    
    Today, I just recently rebuilt the motor for my Van, am doing some
    body work on it and plan to "put it in the garage" to start doing
    some custom painting and bodywork (interior and exterior) to turn
    it into something special, possibly (although I'm still debating)
    a show vehicle.
    
    But it all goes back to being on my own and building up my own 
    self confidence because of it.  
    
    Skip
    

    Before I relate my experience with living alone, let me say that I
    TRULY believe EVERYONE (male or female) should live alone for a while
    especially before one gets married or lives with one's SO.
    
    In my younger days, this was not looked upon too kindly by society.
    Women generally went from their parents to their husbands.  I remember
    when I even suggested living with my girlfriend in our own apartment
    while going to a local college, my father thought that everyone would
    wonder what was wrong with our home that I would want to leave it to
    live with a girlfriend.  Good Grief!!!  So, I did the traditional thing
    and lived at home until I married and even after the divorce, I lived
    with my 2 sons so I was NEVER really alone until my sons decided that 
    they wanted to live with their father.  That was 7 years ago and I
    lived alone for 5.  I was PETRIFIED to say the least.  I was one of
    these women who after my divorce would sleep with all the lights on
    and literally blockade the doors!!!  The first night alone in my apart-
    ment I woke up to a HUGE agreement outside my bedroom window and I
    though for sure someone was going to get killed!  I could go on, but
    you get the point.
    
    Well, to make a long story short, I wound up LOVING living alone.  My
    oldest son moved back in with me a few years ago and that was quite the
    adjustment for both of us.  I really hated giving up my private space,
    but I would never turn my own son away.  It has worked out fabulously,
    but I still do miss living alone.  We both now live with my SO and his
    son.  We all get along GREAT, but there are times I still miss living
    alone.  So, in conclusion, learn to LOVE it and you will learn a lot
    about yourself and get confidence you would never be able to get any
    other way.  Also, after a women lives alone, I believe that she enters
    into relationships that are good for her and because she wants too NOT
    because she needs too--BIG difference!
    
        

>>    and literally blockade the doors!!!  The first night alone in my apart-
>>    ment I woke up to a HUGE agreement outside my bedroom window and I
>>    though for sure someone was going to get killed!  I could go on, but
>>    you get the point.
    
    I know you meant "argument", but it struck me as funny because
    I can remember having discussions in my family where everyone
    was agreeing, but because everyone was talking loudly and at the
    same time, it sounded like a huge argument.
    
    My $0.01 to this discussion is that it's better to live alone and feel
    lonely sometimes than to live with someone you can't stand or simply
    have difficulties living with.  Not exactly easy when you're married
    or have kids, but I have yet to fall into that situation.
    
       - Larry

    Gail:
    
    Relish your complete freedom.  After having had roomies for 9 years, I
    moved to a nice condo here in Washington, DC.  I'm a twin as well, and
    not used to being alone.  I found it to be really nice, having a place
    all my own.  I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and had no set
    schedule or rules.  I miss it terribly!  Then my sweetheart moved in
    and after 6 months, he passed away from brain cancer.  Getting used to
    being alone again after having lived with the love of my life was
    *really* tough.  I packed up the cat he gave me as a gift (even the cat
    couldn't make up for the loss of Rick ...!) and moved in with my sister
    and her husband until I found a place closer to work and with roomies
    (again!).  I simply couldn't afford my own place any longer, not with
    tons of medical bills.  OK, so now I have roomies again and miss the
    complete freedom of living alone.  I'd move into my own place in a
    heartbeat if I could afford it again.  
    
    One thing I noticed about having my own place -- I got to call "the
    shots" a lot more in my relationship when I lived alone.  Don't know
    why, but it seemed like I had more of an "upper hand" or something.  It
    made me a whole lot more independent, that's for sure!
    
    Best of luck to you ... you're going to love it, I'm sure!
    
    Tammi

    PS:
    
    I forgot to add that I agree with everyone who responded about the
    couch potato bit.  At first when I moved here, I just sat at home and
    watch TV or visited my sis and her hubby.  Finally, I *forced* myself
    to find new friends and go out and do lots of interesting and fun
    things.  I was overweight when I moved down here by about 25 pounds. 
    The minute I moved into my own place, I lost 30 pounds and gained lots
    of confidence (not just because of the weight loss) and tons of
    independence!
    
    For the first time in my life, if I felt like going out, I had no one
    to really fall back on so I forced myself to make new friends and if no
    one was available, made myself go out alone and I really had a blast!
    
    Tammi

    RE:       <<< Note 1090.9 by HEYYOU::ZARLENGA "Michael" >>>
    
         Don't forget that basic human freedom to leave one's athletic
    supporter on the ceiling fan blade.
    
                                    ---
    
         But seriously, having separate residences at certain stages of 
    a relationship can be a good idea.  It can give you an escape when you
    are questioning your situation.  Some find that valuable.
    
                                    Greg
                                       

    I have two house cats for roomies. They run the place. I can't wait to
    get a place of my own.......

   Re: Note 1090.5 by WMOIS::JETTE 

   I agree with you.  I wish that I had lived on my own before I got
   married.  I married when I was 17 and I moved from my parents' house to
   my husband's house.  When I left him after five years of an abusive
   marriage, I was very excited about choosing my own apartment, choosing my
   own furniture, dishes, everything!

   Due to my nature and the way our marriage was, (I had to be with him
   *all* the time!), I was VERY happy to be alone for a while.  There were
   and are times when I have been lonely, but I've also greatly relished the
   space and time to be myself.

   I still value my "alone" time; I have two children who live with me part
   of the time and I'm in a new relationship, and now I'm learning the value
   of being myself with others as well.


   							Terza

    Re:6 I just reread my note and got a chuckle out of my typo too!  As
    you stated, an agreement can sound like an argument.  An argument in
    this case was putting it mildly!  
    
    Re:7 Tammi, I am so sorry about the loss of your loved-one.  Reading
    your note gave me goosebumps.  I hope you find another love and will
    be very happy.
    
    Re:12 I hope all works out well in your new relationship.  I'm glad you
    found the strength to leave an abusive situation.  
    
    In a previous note, someone mentioned being lonely even when you live
    with someone.  I sometimes felt lonely living alone, but that makes
    sense.  The same time I was living alone, I was in a turbulent rela-
    tionship and I would feel soooooo alone and lonely--NO comparison. 
    Also the point about being able to leave and go home to your own place
    is well taken.  
    
    As I mentioned before, I am now in a GREAT relationship and we all get
    along just fine, but there still is a big difference.  When you leave
    your own place, you know that when you come home, it's going to look
    EXACTLY the same as you left it.  Not so when you live with someone
    else.  That is what I still find exasperating at times.  Also, when I
    lived alone, I would stop and visit friends on my way home from work or
    go shopping or meet friends for a drink or go to the library, whatever,
    and  not get home until 8:00-9:00 at night and then would fix
    myself something to eat.  Now, I can still do that, but I certainly
    wouldn't do it every night of the week!  I also miss being able to come
    home and just shut the whole world out if I wanted too as soon as my
    front door closed behind me.  If I wanted to talk, I could pick up the
    phone and if I didn't, I could just sit and enjoy the quiet.  You can
    run around the house/apartment naked, sing (WAY off-key as in my case),
    play the stereo as loud or as softly as you want, not have to share the
    remote control (this is a BIGGY!), not buy a lot of groceries if you
    don't want too, stay out all night, have pets, not have pets, the list
    is ENDLESS.  Needless to say, I am soooooo happy that I had the chance
    to have the experience of living alone.  If I have nothing else to
    thank my ex boyfriend for, I would thank him for not wanting me to
    move in with him!!!! 
      

    
    Hi Gail,
    
    My advice follows along the same lines as everyone elses.  Do it
    and enjoy it!  Too many people think living alone means being
    lonely: only if the person choses to be.
    
    I also firmly agree with another noter in that *everyone* should
    live alone before they consider a serious relationship.
    
    
    
                                    L.J.

I live alone and love it almost too much it scares me when I think some day
I might get married and have someone around ALL the time.

-j 

   On the other hand, after you've had some experience living alone and
   learned to appreciate it, it is interesting to "schedule" your own time
   and space just for yourself when you are living with someone.  My
   "timespace" is very important to me and is an important part of my
   relationship.


   							Terza

    
    Thanks for all your responses - they've given me food for thought in
    my quiet evenings!
    
    An update....
    I don't feel so scared and stuff any more. I moved all my things, and I
    feel sort of flat, which I wasn't expecting. It feels almost *normal*
    so quickly!
    
    I don't have a T.V. - I always wanted to try living without one.
    I fixed my own radio-cassette when it got stuck last night.
    I was scared of being alone so I've booked my diary out every night
    this week and now I'm too busy to enjoy my solitude - serious
    overreaction! I will remedy this next week.
    
    Pleasures....
    NOT eating! Only buying stuff that *I* want and then not eating that
    if I don't want to.
    Showering in the middle of the night.
    Unplugging the phone. 
    Choosing flowers that I like for my room.
    Cleaning! To my amazement, I enjoy doing it for myself.
    
    I don't have an athletic support to hang from the fan, but I guess
    leaving panties draped over chairs is similar....:-)
    And if I lose 30lbs I'll be delighted!
    
    Hanging in there (upside down if I feel like it - I can be a bat in
    the privacy of my own home!),
    
    'gail
    
    
    
    

'gail,

I lived for two years without a TV ... it's surprising how you don't miss
it when it's not there.

However, that *was* in England where it's easier to establish a social life.

I must admit I couldn't do without a tele now - the natives of *this* fine
and glorious land aren't too hot on going out much unless you book up with
them a month in advance (whatever happened to spontaneity ??).

Glad it's working out !

Wendy

    Gail,
    
    I too am living alone after 14 years - never lived alone before.
    At first, it is very depressing but, you must think positively that
    everthing will get better.  Put on a happy face.  
    
    I recently read a note conference RE:  Walking Singles - in the Singles
    notesfile, I think I'll check it out.
    
    One difference is that I need a roommate to help pay the mortgage,
     because of the Persian Gulf Crisis and my ex my mortgage is higher
    than the market value of my house.  So I must rely on money from my ex
    -roommate/friend/co-owner of the house.
    So I can't make the break completly - but, believe me I would be
    better off if I could afford to.  
    
    I have recently started reading 
    the notes conferences and haven't learned how to write my own note
    yet.  I have jokely talked about writing a mini-series of
    my situation, and making money on it.  Because no one can believe it -
    sometimes I think that it is all a bad dream - but it's not.  Life
    goes on and we need to learn to look out for number one. 
    
         

    
Re .18
    
>However, that *was* in England where it's easier to establish a social life.
    
    
    Tell me about this! I'm intrigued....
    
    ....I *am* in England!!
    
    :-)         
    'gail (who's very flattered to be taken for an honorary American;-)

Sorry 'gail,

I thought you were a Merry Can living in England !  Ad set me straight.

My point was that a TV is not such a necessity in England because (despite
the early pub closing times) it's much easier to develop and maintain a
social life there.  

Here (Holland), the general trend seems to be to stay at home, drink coffee,
watch TV and go to bed.  What a waste !  The bars stay open until at least
2 am !  Getting the locals to go out entails a month of persuasion that nothing
"deep" is implied by your invitation, a month of readustments to the diary and
an explanation of how spontinaity *can* be fun after all.

... one tends to resort to the TV !

Wendy

    About the only time I'd spent on my own was back at University whilst
    staying in Halls of Residence; even then I wasn't truly alone, since I
    was surrounded by people of my age, studying, in the same boat as it
    were.
    
    About four years ago, I felt the need to leave my parent's home, strike
    out on my own. Living in a box room felt too cramped, so I sorted
    things out and bought myself a flat in Reading.
    
    I hated it. Coming home to an empty flat felt like entering a tomb.
    Socialising was the only way out, then I met someone and things took
    off. I ended up buying a house jointly, but the relationship died.
    
    Now I'm heading back to being on my own, although my house has lodgers
    in. It's fun getting back to doing what I want, when I want, as I want.
    Also there's the knowledge that I can go out when I want to, and no
    more pressure I used to feel ("but we must go out..."). I think I
    prefer to have room-mates.
    
    Since I'm in a house rather than flats now, I've got a pet puddy-tat -
    something I've always had around, though never one I looked after
    before.
    
    I used to think I wasn't really a very social person - took a while to
    realise I was in the shadow of someone else; now at parties I feel more
    myself, more relaxed.
    
    Pete.

I'm in exactly the same situation...


I used to have a flat on my own and hated it... just as I was about to give up
I met someone... we have now split up leaving me with a large house and 3 
lodgers... there's pros and cons to this, but for me the company is all 
important...

I also run a branch of the IVC social club... which is a club purely for meeting
new friends, and helping to expand and organise your social life.


All in all 1991 is looking better...




Xtine